Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

20th August 2019

I can see so many people wrote things, and I haven't read them all yet, but I will do so - it's just that if I read them now, I know I'll get very tearful.  But that's something that will be good for me, as I know it's been cleansing and helpful to write things. 

I thought to myself that the reason I couldn't or didn't feel able to take the information about my 'bathroom experiences' and the nighttime experience I wrote about above to the CSA part of the forum, was that I wasn't sure if it was an accurate thing.  It shocked me so much at the time, almost to the core of my being - but now I've written about it, and put it here in this journal, I realise I couldn't take it to the CSA place, because it might not have been what happened.  (There's other things telling me that it is a possibility though)

When I think about my nighttime terrors that I've had in the past, I know that some of those things could never have actually happened - e.g. when I had armed men in the room trying to kill me - I feel absolutely sure that nothing like that has ever actually happened to me - I've only seen things like that on TV or films, or sadly in the news.  So the fact I saw something upsetting and felt such a strong reaction in my body, it doesn't mean that it actually happened to me.  (But it could have done).

I told my partner that I'd admitted that I am only doing voluntary work rather than paid work, and he said that was a little thing - and I shouldn't really have worried about it.  He spoke of how people's professional lives can be such a great part of their identity, and he thought that was probably also true for me - so the fact I lost my professional life and am now trying to do other things - it's tough to adjust. 

I didn't think I would be so affected by it, but the truth is that I am.

I want to thank everyone who has said something inbetween my last entry and this one - I hope to read what you wrote later, but right now, I'm trying to sort out some things, and focus my day. 

to everyone.
I appreciate your replies and thank you.
Hope 

[Tee]

  Hope from my experience when you have somatic memories like you did.  Those usually are you bodies way of trying to make you remember.  I've had bruises over my body from nightmares/flashbacks.  They suck but they are from things that happened.  I hope that you are able to rest and find peace in this, but trust yourself and you're body.  You don't have to delve into it and find the root memory to bring it to the for front of your mind but it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  Hugs.  :hug:I hope you have a good day.

[Hope67]

Hi Tee,
Thank you - what you said makes sense, and I appreciate it. I have been resting and trying to trust myself and my body - and it's been helpful.    to you Tee.

***********
23rd August
I felt as if I was more of an adult when I woke today, as if I was more adult-like than I've felt in a long time.  I felt more capable and competent and thought that I can handle some things and get things done. 

I felt a bit of a fraud for a few days, because I'd lied about my employment - made out I had a paid job when I am doing voluntary work - and wondering why I needed to do that - but I think it was to protect my ego, because my ego has been bruised by experiences and I guess I wanted to feel valued.  But when I think about it, doing voluntary work is something similarly valued, and there's nothing to be ashamed about.  I guess I was also ashamed that I'd resorted to lying, because lying is something I don't like, but which I've had to do from a small child, as adults told me lies, and wanted me to perpetuate the lies.  I did - telling people I was an only child, when I knew that I had a sister, but at the same time sometimes wondering whether I made her up, and even wondering if she actually ever existed.  But I know she did - she is alive and well - but sadly we are estranged. 

Anyway, the good thing is that I feel more like an adult self today - but with a much better grip on knowing who my inner children and smaller parts are, and I am so grateful that they communicate with me - although the level and intensity of that communication this past few weeks has been over-whelming.

I was so over-whelmed, and I literally thought I was going under in terms of my well-being - I reached out to a few people, including here - and also to some friends, but mostly I leaned on my partner - and I feared that I had dragged him down and worried him too much, and that scared me a lot.  But the great thing is that our relationship feels stronger for having communicated about things, and we have got through this, and things are better than they were before.  I believe that.

Three Roses quoted something recently from Bessel van der Kolk about how communication is the opposite of trauma - I've probably mis-quoted by repeating this - but it helped me, as I have been beginning to fully communicate, or at least expand what I share and how much I say - in real life to real life relationships.  I don't mean to demean the relationships I experience here in this forum by saying that, as I value them incredibly, but I know I'm more able to say things here - to people I've not met in physical space, than I am to share things with people I know in my social and personal sphere.  Strange but true.

My experience this past few weeks, and months and last couple of years, is that I've been gradually opening up and sharing things - and that the effect on my friends has been that they've reciprocated and shared things that I never knew before about them, and it's been very positive.  This sounds like it's all been easy - it hasn't been - I'm just sharing that I think being more open and less fearful has been good for me, and also for my relationships in real life.

I have felt better able to 'feel' things this past few weeks, although the intensity of those things has been frightening at times, and I've been shocked by it in some respects, but at the same time, I like being able to feel some happiness and excitement about life.  I find it harder to tolerate the feelings of anger that I'm having - because I feel as if my angry teen self is with me on a daily basis at the moment, and sometimes she has acted out making me do things I wouldn't normally do - and that's been tough, but actually also amusing at some levels as well.  I can't think of an example just now.

I can think of some examples of how my little Hopes have been acting out - because that has been a bit embarrassing in some social situations, and I don't want to repeat those things here, because I feel convinced that someone reading this might actually recognise seeing an adult woman behaving that way - and will know exactly who I am and what I was doing that day - so I guess I feel embarrassed about that, but honestly, if I told you what Little Hope encouraged me to do do, I think you'd laugh and say it was cute that she got her way in that situation, and that there was no harm in what she did.

I know I'm being enigmatic (skirting around what it was) but I am too embarrassed to say what it is.

I've made some strides in terms of sorting out some of the issues that were going on in my work (I'll continue to say work, even though it's voluntary), but there were numerous arguments and issues, and it wasn't very nice.  I have talked to some supervisors in the organisation about it, and they have been trying to sort things out.  It has got a bit better, and I've agreed to carry on working - but I'm reducing the time I spend, and therefore I'm looking to fill that time with things that might actually make me some income!  I have some ideas in mind, but I'm currently thinking that I need to perhaps do some courses and re-train and then I can focus on things I'd like to accomplish.  I'm relatively old though, but my view is that people can work through their golden years, if it's something that they enjoy - and I'd like to find that thing, and I have some ideas - and I have hopes and expectations now that I can fulfill some aspirations.

I think there's a bit of a grandiose self with me today, as I write, and she tends to make me think I can accomplish things, and do things, and I guess she makes me feel more adult, and less childlike, so maybe she is writing this - although I appreciate that 'I' am writing this, I am a whole person, but I do think that I blend with my fragmented selves from time to time, and that one or more of them drive my behaviour and my responses etc.  But I am always in control of myself - at least as long as I stay away from alcohol - I am not in control of myself whenever I drink too much - I've realised that over the years, and whilst I've never had a drink problem - I recognise that I need to stay away from alcohol - I restrict myself to just 1 drink and I don't have it very often.

I think there's something triggering about alcohol, I've had ex boyfriends who have drunk a lot, and that's been difficult for me.   My sister told me that she also has issues around alcohol too - and I wonder if that's relating to our FOO, or to our experiences as we've grown up.  That's something I wonder about.

I'll stop writing for now, but I'm glad to have written this today.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

You sound in a much better place, Hope. 

[Blueberry]

Wow, Hope! I hear and sense so much progress in there It also really does sound as if you're more in your Adult self too.

Maybe some time you'll feel able to tell us what Little Hope inspired you to do. I do feel intrigued. But your feeling of safety is paramount. My Littles have helped me on occasion too

[Three Roses]

You do sound like you feel better, and I'm glad for it. 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, Blueberry and Three Roses,
Thank you all 
I am relieved to be out of the massive EF's that I seemed to find myself in over the past few days - it's like I've emerged from a pool of murky water, where I was struggling to find the surface, and now I'm somehow able to see more clearly - than I did before.
I don't know whether this will last, or how things will progress, but I am pleased with how things are today - so far so good.
But it is hot this weekend, so I am eager to preserve my energy and not overdo anything.  I remember SanMagic's advice about keeping hydrated and I'm keen to do that.
I have written myself some lists of things I'd like to accomplish over the weekend - it's a long weekend, so I'm pleased about that too.
I'd like to read people's diaries over the weekend to catch up, as I feel quite distant from what's been going on, and feel like I've been caught up and pre-occupied. 
Regarding the weekend, there isn't much that's pre-planned socially, and I'm glad about that, as I don't like social things.  But there could be some last minute invites, that can happen, so I hope I'll be strong enough to cope with those.  I think I will, but I'll see how it goes.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope, glad your head is above the water. Take it easy this weekend. You've been through a lot lately. 

[Snowdrop]

Take care of yourself, Hope. There's nothing wrong with having a rest over a hot weekend. 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone & Snowdrop,
Thank you both so much 

***********
24th August 2019
So hot today, I feel as if I'm wilting literally, but I am trying to keep hydrated and I've been trying to do some filing and sorting through things.  I am making some progress, and it feels ok so far.

Taking it easy though.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i haven't been around much lately, but wanted to see what you've been up to, which has been a lot! 

i just want to say that i don't think it's a bad thing to be able to let that inner child out and do some 'playing' once in a while.  if you think of the pure joy of children at play, how their faces look, their smiles and laughter, i think it would have been fun to see you doing some of that.  i'm glad you were able to experience it, but a little sad that you feel embarrassed by it.  my own opinion, but i think it's a good thing to be childlike at times (different from childish).  there's a certain freshness and wonder that i don't think we've been able to feel very often in our lives. 

as far as your employment status goes, i liked what your partner said, and agree with it.  too often we have so much self-esteem wrapped around our jobs, work, etc.  i think there's a lot of pressure about it.  i know that when i had to quit working cuz of being too sick, it took me a long time to get thru those thoughts and beliefs about not doing something constructive in the world.

however, doing volunteer work or working without pay is very constructive, important, and worthwhile, to my mind.    i see it as a way to give of your time and energy so that others can benefit, even if you're not being paid for it.  the emphasis on money, earning power, comparisons can drive us bonkers.  thanks for being able to share your truth - i know it took courage to do that, and i give you a lot of credit for it.   

stay cool.  sending love and a hug filled with some brisk autumn breeze.   

[Tee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you wrote. It is much appreciated.   
Hi Tee,
Thank you so much 
Everyone - thank you so much for all your support - I read back what you all wrote in recent weeks, the other day, and it filled me with tears of emotion, and it was very meaningful and felt very emotional.   Thank you 

**********
27th August 2019
I'm in a better head-space currently, and I feel calmer.  I am so relieved, because I really worried about myself over the past few weeks, it felt over-whelming and difficult, but I've come through it, and I think I feel stronger.

I'm trying to pace myself better, and just trying to accomplish things step by step - using baby steps (to use a phrase I just read in Jdog's journal), and those sound like good steps and pace to take.

Will hope to write more, when the time feels right.  I think I am just settling at the moment after a lot of upheaval internally - my inner selves were in turmoil for a while, and now they're settling and readjusting.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

baby steps rock, and so do you!  i love that you're finding your own pace, and not discounting your progress, no matter how small it may seem.   

ever forward, hope.  love and hugs to you.   

[Three Roses]

❤️ and