Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Thanks for your reply, and you're right, the nurse did say I should see a doctor, and it would be good to establish a relationship with her, and seek the recommended support.  I am going to think more about this, because I know it's a lot of anxiety on my part about sharing information.  I find it very stressful, but I know that having a doctor is important.  Thanks for your kind wishes, I appreciate them!   

Hi Woodsgnome,
Thank you so much for validating my experience whilst listening to the speakers, it was helpful to hear your experiences - and especially that you also experience the angry bit on the end.    Tripping over all the memories, that's a good description!  I appreciate what you said very much, and I hope to continue to chip away some of the overwhelm, as I am wanting to continue my path down this road.

*********
26th September 2019
I was here for ages, before I could finish writing this, as I kept being interrupted by different things here at home, and I must say that I feel as if time has gone strangely quickly today.  It's almost as if I missed large chunks of it, and can't think of what I did in those times.  I have done the notes from the Conference though, and Dr Peter Levine's talk was really good - I was impressed to see him and hear him speak - I've read his book in the past, and his work is really great.

I am feeling more positive today than I've felt for a long time.  Excited even.  I hope this feeling stays with me.  I think it's because some things are falling into place more, in terms of my understanding - and I know more where I want to focus.  But I will leave it a few days before putting anything into action - I know that my mood can alter quite a lot from day to day or moment to moment sometimes, and I want to see how I feel later in the week or over the weekend.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

I am feeling more positive today than I've felt for a long time.  Excited even.  I hope this feeling stays with me.

I hope so, too! ❤️

[Snowdrop]

 

[Jazzy]

Missed you and your notes today. I hope you're feeling alright, and that positive feeling is still with you. Take care Hope!

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses - thank you   
Hi Snowdrop - thank you 
Hi Jazzy - yes, I'm alright, and thank you for coming by and checking on me.  I wanted to let you know yesterday that I wasn't going to be there with any notes, but somehow I didn't manage to even log-in here.  But I am ok.   

**********
28th September 2019
I have had a flu vaccine, and I think I'm actually feeling slightly unwell - they said that would be a potential thing, so I'm hoping in a couple of days I'll be ok again. 
I also had quite a heavy night in terms of coming into contact with a much younger part of myself - which felt like a toddler or pre-verbal age child, and that stirred up quite a lot of feelings.  I was disorientated at times, and was speaking out loud, and my partner was confused by that, as he didn't know if I'd been conscious or not when I spoke.  We ended up with a bit of a misunderstanding first thing this morning, as I thought my first contact verbally with him had been a nice comment, and he had shut me down with a quite negative kind of reply - but it was because he'd been experiencing the previous conversations with me when I wasn't conscious!  I had thought my first comment had been an active attempt to open and connect - which was something I took from the talk yesterday by Deb Dana, and I was attempting to seek a glimmer of my ventral vagal system first thing, but I felt like a tortoise who had come out of her shell and then experienced negativity and had gone back in the shell again, and I actually cried, although he didn't actually notice.  I did talk to him later though about it, which is how I now realise that we had been 'talking' whilst I was asleep, and therefore not conscious, and that was why it had been confusing to him, and he'd replied how he replied.

I feel silly for writing the above, as now the light of day is here and it's the afternoon, and I am ok.  I just think it's such a powerful thing to perceive things in a different way, based on how the autonomic system is feeling, and it was very pertinent - and I feel like I am feeling quite sad for not having that knowledge previously, as I feel it could have made a difference to me in past years.  But I guess that's the case with learning new things, and even now I have taken on board some of the things that Deb Dana said, I need to try to put them into practice and see what can happen with that new knowledge.

Also, I was aware that she had written on her slides that there was copyright, and immediately that sent my brain and parts into a panic, as I wanted to share my notes, as I've been doing on past days of the conference, but the rule-bound part of me that often won't let me do anything that is outside of a rule, set in stone the fact that they wouldn't let me write my notes.  I only watched the lecture fairly late last night - well in the evening really, and I did have time to do the notes, but there wasn't a lot of time, and I just couldn't do it due to the mention of copyright, and basically I wrote down a lot of the slides contents for my personal reading.

I am aware that the final day of the conference is today, and I am actually not feeling very well - so I'm not sure if I'll even write many notes this time, I might just watch it. 

I feel lethargic and like I've got a bit of a cold going on.  But it could be the flu vaccine.  So I'm ok about it, just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I am ok though.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you're feeling unwell. I'm very impressed that you're taking things you've learned from the conference and are putting them into practice.

Take care of yourself. Sending you love, hugs, tea and a warm fluffy blanket.

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Snowdrop, that is very thoughtful of you, I appreciate your kindness.   

I'm not feeling too bad right now, I have a headache, and still feel a bit like I have a cold, but actually I am not too bad now.  I felt worse earlier in the day.  I've written my notes on Stephen Porges talk - and I am glad the Conference is over now, as it was great, but having a day off from watching the videos tomorrow is a nice thought.    I can consolidate things now. I need time to do that, and let things settle in my mind.

Hope 

[Jazzy]

I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you had quite a night, and a rough start to the day. I don't think what you wrote is silly at all. Things can get really confusing when a person is sleep talking/walking/whatever. Its good that you got sorted out what happened though.

I just think it's such a powerful thing to perceive things in a different way, based on how the autonomic system is feeling

You're absolutely right about that, and Dr. Stephen Porges said that almost exactly the same in his talk today. I hope you've been able to try again and found that glimmer of your ventral vagal system.

I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult time yesterday with the notes. I'm sorry if I put any pressure on you at all. I didn't mean to do that. I saw that her slides are copyrighted as well (which doesn't surprise me), but like I said earlier, I have done a ton of training, and re-writing information like that through my work, and I have never heard of anyone getting in trouble for sharing notes. There are different types of copyrights, with different laws. Sharing notes from a presentation isn't the same as sharing a song you like for example. I'm quite certain that you wouldn't break any rules with your notes.

Anyway, with the technicalities of it aside, I am sorry to hear that it caused you panic and put you in to that shut down state. The way it effected you is far more important (in my opinion of course) than the technicalities. I'm not really sure how to say "I wish you felt better throughout it" better, so I'll stop trying, and offer a hug if you would like one. 

Take care of yourself, and I hope you have a restful night.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Thanks, I am taking it easy today - but just wanted to reply quickly to say that I appreciate everything you've written here, and very much appreciate it.   
I am taking it easy today. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i may be wrong, but i think copyright means that you can't take someone's words and use them as your own, especially for profit.  i don't think there's a problem w/ giving  credit and sharing notes.  otherwise, we would never be able to quote from anyone's book.  in fact, pete walker's words are utilized here a lot, but he's always given credit for them.

i had a flu shot a week ago, and it knocked me down for a few days.  some people it hits like that, others not so much. 

i'm glad you're taking it easy for a bit.  that's weird about how that conversation went between you and your partner.  i'm just so glad for you that you have someone with whom you can talk about this stuff, get it out and resolved.  it's wonderful to hear.

keep taking care of you.  sending love and a hug filled with some rest.   

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope, just wanted to drop in and say hi here 

Such a powerful thing you wrote about experience changing depending on the state at the time (autonomic? I need to look this up). Like you, I wish I had known this earlier. This and a few other things too 

SaB

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you.  You and Jazzy have helped me feel better about issues of Copyright.  I realise it's my reaction to rule-based authoritative kind of stuff, and I get stuck sometimes.  Triggered is what happens I guess.  But you both helped me to realise that my note-taking is probably ok, and afterall I attribute the source of the writing each time, and it should be ok.  I get myself tangled up sometimes.  Make things much more difficult than they probably need to be.  I realise that.  I appreciate what you wrote very much, and thank you.   

SanMagic, thanks for reminding me about the flu shot as well - because I think it has affected me - more than I thought it would.   Yes, I'm lucky that my partner does talk to me about things like this, and he manages to tolerate my issues - although there are times when he definitely wonders why I'm not 'over it' - as he sometimes says that maybe I should move on from analysing and thinking of the past, and I know he worries that things aren't changing significantly - but I do think I am making some progress, and I know that he thinks I am better than I was previously.  I used to take lots of medication - well - not lots, but I used to take it, and now I don't take any, so that's an improvement as well - I think so.  SanMagic, thanks for the hug, and sending one back for you too 

Hi SaB,  Thanks for dropping in and saying hi, and for the hug, that is lovely of you.  I was writing about the autonomic system, because of a Conference I'd attended last week (online) and they were discussing the Polyvagal theory, which you may have heard of, but it's Stephen Porges research, and I related to it very much.  A few of us took some notes in the Podcast section of the forum, if you want to have a read of the notes, not sure if you saw that or not.  I hope the notes might make some sense, there are links to some websites there too, which I've not looked at yet, but hopefully they would be helpful.    to you, SaB.

**********
1st October 2019
I ordered a new book, after the Conference that I attended online, and it is:
"Internal Family Systems: Skills Training Manual: Trauma-Informed Treatment for Anxiety, Depression, PTSD & Substance Abuse" by Frank G. Anderson, Martha Sweezy, & Richard C. Schwartz, and I am excited to hopefully get that book soon, it's ordered and will arrive very soon.  I think that Internal Family Systems is what really works for me, as a way of understanding my parts, and I feel ready to try some experiential kind of exercises - I think so.  I'll see how it goes.

I won't start doing anything until I have a good read through of the book first though, as I don't want any surprises for any of my parts.

The last few days have been quite emotional for me, because many parts have reacted in different ways to the Conference information, and to other things I've read and processed.  My sleep has been more disturbed again this week, and my partner told me that I've been crying out in my sleep and looking very distressed on occasions, but thankfully I wasn't actually aware of the occasions when that had happened.  I think it had affected him more than me!  I am sorry about that, as I don't want to upset his sleep. 

I was upset last night, as I wanted to go to the part of the forum where a very lovely person was leaving and bidding us a farewell, and I was badly triggered by it, and couldn't stop wailing and crying, and that part of me caused me to cry.  This made me realise how much I value people here, and that my pain that comes from transitions and goodbyes, it's hard.  I felt like I just couldn't get there last night, but I did manage to write there today. 

I feel as if I'm being precious by writing this here, because an inner critic type of part is saying that I'm pathetic and that I'm seeking attention by saying this. 

I feel as if I am more in control of myself this evening, and can gain some separation from parts of myself, so I'm able to think about this in a more detached way.  But I couldn't do that last night, I was feeling distraught. 

I've skimmed through the Susan Jeffers book I was reading, and I don't feel it's helpful to me now, even though a part of me had made me come to the forum and write about how something within it had been helpful!  I actually felt uncomfortable as soon as I'd written it, and many parts of me weren't happy.  But at the same time, what I wrote - which had included something about feeling trapped in a 'waiting room' of my own making, that resonated, and it does feel like something that I very much relate to - like I'm stuck and can't move on - but like Blueberry said, in the other part of the forum, just recognising that is in some way enabling, and I will hopefully be able to shift from it, now that I've acknowledged and labelled it, and I can see it for what it is and how it feels.

Words have left me now, and I can't think of anything more to say, so I'll stop writing now.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Hope, you're not being pathetic or looking for attention. You're a very caring and lovely person. I'm glad you feel better than yesterday.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i know how difficult this can be for our partners who aren't suffering from the same thing as we are.  i went round and round w/ my hub about it - he's recovering from addictions and comes at most everything from a 12-step angle - and, while i find that the 12-step modality is very helpful for some addictive stuff, a lot of it, like 'let go and let god' or 'stop living in the past' just doesn't work for c-ptsd issues.  i can't tell you how many times i gave 'stuff' over to god, only to find myself taking it back again, but not knowing why!

i'm not saying your partner is a 12-step person, only that some of those sayings are given to us as a means to stop us from hurting.  their hearts are in the right place, but their minds cannot wrap themselves around what we are experiencing.  it's like speaking a foreign language to them - they can't possibly understand what we're saying or what we mean.  i know it can be tough for them cuz they want only the best for us, want to help us.  it's frustrating on both sides.

and poo on that ICr - you are precious, never pathetic or just looking for attention.  this stuff is real, it has impacted us in illogical ways, and we all need validation, attention (need to be seen and heard), and support.  sending love and a hug filled w/ all that good stuff, always.   

[Not Alone]

hey, hope,

i know how difficult this can be for our partners who aren't suffering from the same thing as we are.  i went round and round w/ my hub about it - he's recovering from addictions and comes at most everything from a 12-step angle - and, while i find that the 12-step modality is very helpful for some addictive stuff, a lot of it, like 'let go and let god' or 'stop living in the past' just doesn't work for c-ptsd issues.  i can't tell you how many times i gave 'stuff' over to god, only to find myself taking it back again, but not knowing why!

i'm not saying your partner is a 12-step person, only that some of those sayings are given to us as a means to stop us from hurting.  their hearts are in the right place, but their minds cannot wrap themselves around what we are experiencing.  it's like speaking a foreign language to them - they can't possibly understand what we're saying or what we mean.  i know it can be tough for them cuz they want only the best for us, want to help us.  it's frustrating on both sides.

Wise words, San. Just week I heard from my husband, "That was 50 years ago!" Some of it, I think, stems from their frustration and some from a place of caring and wanting us to not be in so much pain. I don't want to write more about that here and hijack your post, Hope, but just so you know, I have experienced similar.

I feel as if I'm being precious by writing this here, because an inner critic type of part is saying that I'm pathetic and that I'm seeking attention by saying this. 

Hope, I do and have always valued what you have to say. Whether you're sharing about what you have learned or a struggle you are going through, what you have to say has value. I don't feel like you are attention seeking, but even if you were, so what? You have the right to need, want, and attempt to get attention. (Again, I don't see you as attention seeking.)