Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope,
I'm sorry your feeling a little raw and vulnerable and I'm impressed at your self awareness and willingness to explore how little hope is reacting to things, I guess I admire it because they are the things I struggle with, you  have encouraged me to keep trying though
Thanks

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and reactions - and I am so sorry that you have had such a similar experience as what happened to Little Hope - in the Letter to teacher situation.    to Little Woodsgnome and Little Hope and any other little children dealing with difficult stuff like that.  Your words really helped me, thank you.  I appreciate the deep and silent hug very much  - it means a lot.

Hi Wattlebird,
Thanks so much for saying that, and I want you to know that you have helped and encouraged me too - knowing we're all coping with things makes it feel like we're less alone with things - that's what I think, and I appreciate your words very much.  Thank you.   

************
26th October 2019
I am feeling better than I was the last couple of days today - I had some strange experiences yesterday - but in retrospect I think it was an EF or series of small EF's, and culminated in some strange experiences, but I wrote about them, and that helped me to feel a bit more separate from them for a while, and I feel a lot better today.  I am thankful for that.  I was feeling a bit scared and anxious yesterday - wondering if I was ok or not - I wasn't sure.

I feel quite tired today - I feel as if I want to go to sleep for the afternoon - I might even do that.  I think it would be nice to be snug in bed and warm and cosy. 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello Hope, I just wanted to say I hope you enjoyed a nice rest and recovery. I often have to sleep in the day or afternoon, especially after an ef and / or tough few days. I think it is good self care!   

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Thank you - I did enjoy some rest, it was restful.  I agree with you about good self-care.    to you.

*******
28th October 2019
I am experiencing times today when my brain has literally refused to work - and I've felt like my brain has gone blank, and it happened when I was making a telephone call today and the woman asked me for my phone number, and I couldn't remember either my own number or my mobile number - luckily she could see the number I was calling from, so she told me it was fine.  I felt silly though - but she laughed with me, rather than at me, so it was ok.  I had just said to her that my mind has for some reason gone completely blank - she was fine about that.

I've been comfort eating today - and I am annoyed at myself for that.  But I can't help it.  I feel like my inners are wanting me to meet their needs, and I'm not sure what I can do to keep them comfortable.  I have feelings that I can't really put into words at all - I've tried listening to some calming music, but that has ended up making me feel very sad - and I realise how powerful music is to do that.  Maybe I'll go back to doing dot-to-dots, as those were very calming for me previously. 

I'm still quite freaked out by the experience of literally seeing my M's face in the face of the woman - it was like she changed infront of my eyes, and I needed to keep calm and not tell her what I was experiencing, but it did freak me out.  But it didn't surprise me either - I've experienced things like that before, but not quite as strongly.

I had thoughts yesterday that I regretted how things had turned out - wishing that I could somehow replay time and do things differently, but in the light of today - I have told myself that essentially it wasn't my fault - even though there are parts of me that blame myself. 

I also feel like I've let down some of my parts, because I've stopped doing the regular attempts to communicate with them - visualising the table where they could all come - I've not been doing that for quite a long time, although I have been trying to be mindful of them in other ways and listen to what they communicate to me.  But I have found the book I had bought which contains worksheets and I might have a look at that again - it is Richard C. Schwartz's 'Internal Family Systems' exercises and worksheets.  I am glad to have got this, but so far I've just been reading it, rather than doing any of the exercises.

I feel calmer now that I'm writing here - so that's a good outcome. 

Hope 

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you have some great introspection here, Hope. If you start doing those worksheets, I hope they are a benefit to you.

I have a tough time remembering things too. I'd have to look up my mobile number, I don't know it by heart.

Take care!

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Thank you for saying that, you made me feel a lot better - knowing I'm not the only one who forgets phone numbers like that.  I think it was down to being in an EF at the time, it really makes my brain freeze.    to you.

*************
30th October 2019
I am considering the possibility of taking a break from technology and social media etc for the month of November - I've done this before, and I find it helps me to take time out from it in that way - so I think I will do that.  I will however miss people here very much - but at the same time, I hope to re-connect in December, and I also hope to be refreshed as a result of the break from the internet etc.  I will sign-out in the checking out part, so people know I'm away - and I intend to be back in December.

to everyone. 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Hope, just wanted to say thank you for being here. I appreciate you and am glad taking a break is restorative and supportive. I look forward to 'seeing'  you when you return. 

[Snowdrop]

Hi Hope,
I just wanted to say thank you for mentioning the IFS therapy book a while ago. I've finally started reading it, and I'm finding it very helpful. I hope you're having a restful, healing break.

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam - I have missed everyone here, whilst I was away on my break - it was restorative and it was supportive, and it's lovely to read your message here when I have returned, thank you!  I hope you are ok, and I am looking forward to being here again.   

Hi Snowdrop - I'm glad that you've started reading the IFS therapy book and that you find it helpful.  Can you let me know the title of the one you have, as I think I bought a 'workbook 'version, and I suspect I may get more out of the original book - so I am keen to know the title of it.  I'm so glad you are finding it helpful, - I think I would like to buy it too - as it will be more thorough and detailed than the workbook, and then I can use them together.  My break was restful and I found it healing too - thank you for your message here.   

1st December 2019
I have missed this forum very much, but it did me good to have a break in November, and I feel I have benefited from it.
I feel stronger in myself - and feel greater inner stability - I've had to deal with a few stressful things during the month, but I did get through them, and that was positive for me to have done that.

It's good to be back back here, and I will hope to catch up a bit over time, but I'm pacing myself, as I feel as if I need to really keep my pace at one that is workable for me, and I feel like I need a slow pace.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Welcome back, Hope. I missed you. I'm glad you the break did you good.

I bought Internal Family Systems Therapy (second edition) by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy. It's a fantastic book. It made lots of things click into place, and I've been getting great results from applying it.

I've also bought the audiobook Greater than the Sum of our Parts by Richard Schwartz. I've not listened to all of it yet, but it's a course on using IFS for yourself with guided meditations on working with parts. Prices for it vary quite a lot, but if you qualify for a free Audible trial, you should be able to get it there for free.

[Blueberry]

I feel stronger in myself - and feel greater inner stability

You are an inspiration the way you manage to take breaks from the forum and sometimes the whole Internet to continue your healing by other methods and also by dealing IRL!

I'm pacing myself, as I feel as if I need to really keep my pace at one that is workable for me, and I feel like I need a slow pace.

I had wanted to say "Welcome to the club!" but it sounds as if you are further along in this than I am. I've been told it's a huge step when you find your own pace - which I sort of have, and it's slow. The next step would be accepting the pace for what it is and embracing it. It sounds as if you're on this route already  

[sanmagic7]

welcome back, hope.  missed you.  glad you're feeling good about your break.  excellent!  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Not Alone]

Welcome back, Hope. Missed you.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - I want to thank you for the title of the book, I've ordered it, and I've also started a free trial of Audible so I could get the audio book you mentioned.  I have started to listen to it, but only got to the first hour - and I find it hard so far, but I am going to persevere and hopefully get things out of it.  Thank you.  I am hoping that the book will come soon, as I feel sure it will be helpful.  It was great to get the audio book for free, as the price was expensive otherwise - so thanks for the suggestion.  Very good idea.

Hi Blueberry - you are so kind to say what you said.  I am not at all sure that I am further down the road than you, in terms of managing finding my own pace - I just know that I need a slow pace, and so I'm trying for that.  I find my mind won't allow me to function sometimes, as there are too many competing thoughts and perspectives going on, so I need to take some distance and try to slow things down.  It's quite challenging for me, but I'm doing my best, and taking breaks from internet etc does seem to help me to re-focus on things - and not get overwhelmed.  So I am glad I was able to do that in November.  I appreciate your kind words very much, and also the hugs.   

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for that lovely welcome, I missed you too - and I appreciate those hugs and the love, thank you.   

Hi Notalone - thank you, I missed you too.  It's good to be back here again. 

2nd December - I feel so hungry as I write this, and I know I wasn't feeling hungry at all when I came here, but somehow something inside me is revenous now for food or for something - I don't know what it is, but I am aware of it.  So maybe I'll eat something, because maybe it is hunger...
Hope 

[Hope67]

3rd December 2019
I'm finding it hard to get my bearings again, as I've been away for a while, taking a break from technology, and somehow now I'm back, I feel like I don't know where to start, or what to focus on - I've ordered the book on IFS and am waiting for that to arrive, and I've started to listen to the audio version - and I found that my parts became very quiet - as if they were resistant and didn't want to be around - hence it was hard.  Then today, I've been shown various memories by a younger part - they focus around events at school and treatment by the teacher who wasn't kind to Little Hope.

I want to read other people's Journals to catch up with people here, but so far, I've not felt able to do so.  Not sure why.  Maybe I'm scared to over-whelm myself, but I've missed people.  But maybe part of me is scared about feeling closer to people, and wants to distance me from that.

Having returned to social media things like Facebook, I now see things that my estranged sister is posting, and find that there is part of me who wants me to disconnect from that, and not see those things, but there are other parts which want to see those things, and know what she is doing. 

I find Facebook frustrating, as I never know if people get messages that are sent to them.  I contacted my cousins previously, and I just don't know if they saw those messages or not.  I never got a reply.  I think I feel a bit angry about that.  I don't feel anger very often, so that is unusual.

Now I'm sitting here and I just don't know what to say, it's like I can't think of anything, my mind has gone blank. 

My sleep has been better recently - although over past weeks I've had some bad dreams where I've ended up feeling as if I'm crying in my sleep - and the content of the dreams has been as if I'm being denied freedom and subjected to something I don't like, and it's made me feel distraught and I've cried a lot.  I think maybe I actually cried, as one night I noticed that my face was wet with tears.  But at the same time, I can't be sure of that memory - so I don't know if it was actually true or not. 

I am reminded that I had a book by Mary Bratton which is about CSA, and I feel as if I should be working on things in there, but I have mislaid that book - so part of me doesn't want me to find it.  I feel frustrated by that.  I feel as if I can work on the IFS book, once it arrives, and I hope I keep hold of it, and don't lose sight of it!

I feel as if I'm in some kind of bubble currently - as if I can't feel or experience things in the world properly - so maybe that's a sense of derealization or something similar to that - I'd like to break through that sense and feel more things, and I wonder why I feel such a need to protect myself just now. 

Hope