Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

sounds like progress and processing.  good for you!

sending love and a hug full of continuing support

[Snowdrop]

You're doing brilliantly, Hope. Well done.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much for the lovely hug, and for your continued support - I always appreciate what you say, and your kindness.   
Hi Snowdrop - your validation means a lot - thank you so much - 

21st December 2019
I've been finding that I'm more emotional this past couple of days - watching films on TV or listening to music, is making a very emotional tearful part of me react.  But I'm just allowing the tears to flow, and haven't avoided anything - just tried to comfort that part who is so emotional - during the process of watching the film or listening to the music.  I think it's like releasing stuff that needs to come out. 

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

I've been in a similar state lately -- involving boatloads of tears just springing up. Where I once resisted them, I let them roll now. I'm not around in public much, but even if so I wouldn't be so inclined to fall into social niceties. Honouring my inner strength (yes, even via tears!) is too important to stuff away in a locked box.

Hope it's alright to share this --   

[Hope67]

Dear Woodsgnome, I really appreciate you sharing this - thank you so much    I particularly find your statement about 'honouring your inner strength' being too important to stuff away in a locked box, it is definitely very empowering - here's to being able to let our tears flow, as and when those parts want to express things - honouring our strength through our tears, and in other ways too.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

well, i've joined the weeping wagon.  feeling fragile.  must be the holidays.  i know i have a hole in my heart where my oldest d belongs.  this, too, shall pass.  one day at a time, right?  you're not alone, hope.  love and hugs

[MoonBeam]

Thinking of you Hope.  if that's ok.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,  I think the holidays are impacting - and this weeping wagon is huge and safe - so it can hold us all.  Thank you for joining me and letting me know I'm not alone - I was thinking how grateful I am to have this virtual family here - of people who understand and empathise and really 'get it' - and it's a special thing to have that.  Thank you    Whatever comes our way, I agree - this too will pass, and one day at a time, extremely right.     Sending you love and hugs too 

Hi MoonBeam - I very much appreciate you coming by and I love that hug - thank you so much    Sending one back to you - and wishing you the best for today and the holidays.   

24th December 2019
If I wanted to write in a few words how I'm feeling, I wouldn't be able to say it, as there are too many conflicting parts - who each have different thoughts and feelings about this time of year, but essentially I feel as if there is a calmer Self at the helm, and listening to each of the parts of me - and keeping more harmony.

I'm continuing to pace things and feel like it's going better than past years.  So far so good.  Allowing feelings to surface, and trying not to judge them - listening to them and whatever they are communicating. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope, glad you are allowing your feelings to surface without judgement. 

[Hope67]

Dear Notalone - thank you so much.   

*****
26th December 2019
I'm finding it an emotional time - there are more things surfacing for me this Christmas, and I'm feeling more things - but I know that's because I've been allowing the feelings to be felt more, and I've not been dissociating or repressing them down as would have been my tendency previously - therefore I'm experiencing them more.  I felt as if I dreamed last night and met an exiled part - and somehow that part of me stayed with me for quite a bit of today - but I managed to somehow exist through the day trying to acknowledge her feelings and thoughts - which were heavy and dark, but which I felt were reasonable too.

I have been over-eating - comfort-eating, and I am gaining weight and don't feel happy about this.  I need to try to do something about it, but part of me wants me to eat more, and it's harder to resist that.

Hope 

[Hope67]

28th December 2019
I want to remind myself of this, as it's come to my mind, and I feel it's relevant.  I know that I've been trying to be open and listening to different parts of myself, and trying to hear what they communicate to me - and trying to understand those things, but I also recognise a fear and a resistance regarding the suggestions that Richard Schwartz suggests regarding actually having a conversation with them - i.e. asking them things, or communicating more directly - so I am happy to listen and watch what flashbacks and senses they show me, but I am reluctant to engage my Self in asking them things, or finding out directly - and I acknowledge this, and think it is something that fits in with other things I've noticed.

I fear the unknown, and want to keep myself safe.  Maybe if I ask them things, I'll find out more than I can cope with.  Maybe that's it.
I want to tentatively try to investigate or engage further - maybe I will.  But I'm quite scared about it at the same time.

Even writing this makes a part of me feel uncomfortable.  But I've written it, and it's ok.

Hope 

[Hope67]

It was very useful to have written that, as I kept reflecting on it more afterwards, and then I re-read it just now, and I think I understand that I was speaking on behalf of an anxious and scared part of myself, who is worried about the potential of delving into things at a pace that is too quick, and I therefore think that getting to know all parts of myself, and ensuring I go at a pace that feels ok for all of them, would be beneficial.

It's not that my Self isn't able to talk to the parts, it's that there are some parts which are worried or anxious and avoidant, and are there for various reasons and serve various roles, and therefore I need to engage with them, and get them on board so I can then communicate better.

I also particularly want to engage with the part of myself which causes me to comfort eat, as this has been happening a lot lately and I know it's a time of year for excess food and drink, but I really don't want to gain any more weight.  Thankfully the availability of extra food is now running out!  I would need to buy more - and I'm not intending to do that.  But that part of me that was feeling comforted by eating more, will then feel a great void - and I need to ensure I meet those needs another way.  So I'm going to think about that and try to have a different course of action, instead of eating too much.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I think I understand that I was speaking on behalf of an anxious and scared part of myself, who is worried about the potential of delving into things at a pace that is too quick

^^^ I think it's great that you recognised this . You're being aware of your parts feelings, and that's excellent. Definitely a good idea to get them on board.

[Hope67]

Thank you Snowdrop, I appreciate you saying that very much.   
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Sending hugs to fill  your void