Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #240 on: January 02, 2020, 06:44:27 PM »
Hi Wattlebird, thank you so much, I know you're facing some difficult things at the moment, and you came and sent me hugs to fill my void, and I appreciate that so much, and know that those hugs are reciprocated back to you, and heartfelt.  Thank you  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #241 on: January 05, 2020, 07:10:24 PM »
5th January 2020
It seems strange to write 2020, but at the same time I am hopeful that this decade will be a positive one, as I am continuing to work on befriending my parts, and feel that it is a helpful process - although also challenging at times.  I recognise I have various parts, and some of them are resistant to my reading about things or sharing things, and I need to negotiate with them to enable me to do that - and I experience EF's where I can't process things, and then struggle to communicate.  There was a few times this week that I wanted to come here and write about things, but parts of me were resistant, and so I couldn't do it.

I have been reading another book - it's Judith Herman's book called 'Trauma & Recovery' and I have finished it - and found it very good.  It brought up a lot of things for me, and I found that I was having more flashbacks and realisations - and that's probably why I couldn't communicate so easily - reacting to that, and processing.

I've been dreaming more, thinking more, and feeling more. 

But I feel this is ok.  It's been manageable rather than over-whelming. 

I watched a film last night that did feel quite over-whelming though - (potential trigger warning here, as mentioning things that trigger me - however not sure exactly what the themes are) - but the film was called 'Instant Family' and was about a couple who foster some children - and I just found the emotion and portrayal of this to be very emotional for me - particularly when watching the foster mother combing the hair of the 15 year old - it made me feel an incredible loss of a motherly relationship with my own M - I just never felt that sense of love from her.  I really don't think I ever felt it.

I think I've been mourning and grieving for some losses.

Whilst I think of it - I want to write more about some other issues, but I don't feel I can write about them in my Journal - I'll have to write them in the CSA part of the forum, as I like to separate it from my journal, and it feels safer there somehow.  I wonder whether this wish to compartmentalise is typical to me, as I have so often dissociated and put things behind hidden doors, and attempted perhaps not to see the reality of what has happened to me in my life. 

I've been beginning to realise things more - to realise the pain and feel some emotions relating to that. 

I'm glad I've been able to write this much today, as I hadn't felt able to in the past few days. 

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #242 on: January 05, 2020, 08:05:44 PM »
Hope, I want to send you a big hug filled with compassion as you are mourning and grieving loss.

Whilst I think of it - I want to write more about some other issues, but I don't feel I can write about them in my Journal - I'll have to write them in the CSA part of the forum, as I like to separate it from my journal, and it feels safer there somehow.  I wonder whether this wish to compartmentalise is typical to me, as I have so often dissociated and put things behind hidden doors, and attempted perhaps not to see the reality of what has happened to me in my life. 
My therapist has often said that "dissociation is a gift." It is a way that we have survivied. It makes sense to me that you want to separate some things from your journal and post in CSA instead.

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MoonBeam

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #243 on: January 06, 2020, 05:46:30 AM »
Hope, thank you so much for sharing your journey.  I totally understand parts being resistant to sharing. So often I visit OOTS wanting to share, to check in with folks and I find I can read posts, but just can't bring myself to post, for several reasons I suppose. You help me see that it's ok to honor those parts and to want to be curious as to who they are and what they need.

I'm so glad that things feel manageable, not overwhelming for you as you experience flashbacks and process all that has been coming up for you. That's a huge amount of progress, to be able to stay present and allow the feelings.

Very gentle hug to you Hope, if it's ok.  :hug:  I really appreciate you and admire your strength.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #244 on: January 07, 2020, 08:00:57 PM »
Hi Notalone, Thank you so much for the big hug filled with compassion, I felt it, and appreciated it.   :hug:  I like what your therapist said about dissociation as a gift, as I can see the logic in that - it is a survival defence, and it is helpful.

Hi MoonBeam, Thank you for the very gentle hug  :hug: and for saying what you said, I appreciate your thoughts and care.   :hug:

7th January 2020
I have written two lots of things, and then erased them, so I'm struggling today to allow myself to write things here - so I think I'll leave it for now, and maybe try again tomorrow.  I think there is too much resistance within me to enable me to write.  But I feel frustrated about that.

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #245 on: January 08, 2020, 03:50:25 AM »
Hope, I hear your conflict of wanting to share/write and parts being resistant to your writing. Understand.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #246 on: January 08, 2020, 08:08:55 PM »
hey, hope,

there have been plenty of times i've wanted to write, then backed away.  when you or your parts are ready, it'll happen.  i think it's also progress that you can recognize when it's ok for you to do this, and when it's best to leave it be.  self-awareness - i think too often that's gotten stomped out of us in one way, shape, or form, and it's a really good thing, to my mind, to begin getting it back, especially when it comes to self-care.  love and hugs to you my dear. :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #247 on: January 10, 2020, 03:49:43 PM »
Hi Notalone, I found your understanding very helpful - thank you  :hug:
Hi Sanmagic - I know my parts aren't ready yet, but you're right, they will be at some point, and hopefully soon.  I'm going to negotiate some more to enable me to write something, and hopefully soon, as I know it will be good for me to get things out here and share them in this supportive space.  Many thanks for the love and hugs, Sanmagic.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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Wattlebird

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #248 on: January 12, 2020, 12:43:29 PM »
Good choice hope! sometimes our parts need to feel we are listening and you have (I think) reassured them with your decision not to write when they were unhappy with what you were saying.
Wb

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Snowdrop

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #249 on: January 14, 2020, 11:54:54 AM »
I was thinking of you, and wanted to send you a hug :hug:. I think that the respect you're showing towards your parts will help them feel safe with you and build trust.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #250 on: January 14, 2020, 02:49:17 PM »
Hi Wattlebird & Snowdrop - thank you both for what you said, and sending you both hugs  :hug: :hug: 

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14th January 2020
There is a very triggered part of me currently, and it feels as if things aren't safe, and that the world is a lonely and stark and frightening place, and that she is all alone.  But my Self is trying to reassure her that it's ok, and that she is safe.  She isn't alone, and that she is welcome and wanted and cared for.  I know she can't feel that at the moment, but I am trying to reassure her.  I know it's difficult this week, there have been so many triggering events and situations, and so it feels like there's lots to get through, too many challenges, and it feel over-whelming, BUT, time is passing and I (and all parts of me) are managing to cope, so this is good.  It's not easy, but it's manageable. 

I haven't been able to post much here, recently, but I have been reading what other people write, and finding those things so helpful.  I am grateful to each and every one of you who share your journeys here, and write about your thoughts, feelings, and so much that is helpful.   :grouphug:

I still have some triggering things to get through later today, but I will do it.  I am facing things, and I will do it.
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #251 on: January 14, 2020, 04:21:10 PM »
you're not alone in this, hope.  sending love and a hug filled w/ caring and togetherness - we are in this together. :grouphug:

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #252 on: January 14, 2020, 10:22:43 PM »
Hope, my mind keeps going blank. I can say that I care about you and your parts. I'm sorry for the part that is feeling alone. I know that feeling and it is awful.  :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #253 on: January 16, 2020, 03:19:24 PM »
Hi SanMagic,
I read what you wrote a couple of days ago, and it really helped me - I hope to write more about the ways it helped me, maybe when I manage to write more - but I wanted you to know that it did.  Thank you  :hug:

Hi Notalone,
I was really touched that you came by and wrote something, even though your mind kept going blank - as I feel your care for me and for my parts, and I really appreciate it.  Thank you for what you said, and for also validating the feeling - it means a lot that you care.   :hug:

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16th January 2020
I am so thankful that I can come here and write about things, and even during times when I feel as if I can't write anything, then I just read and value so much what everyone says - it means a lot. 

I am hoping to write more soon - but just wanted to say how much I appreciate this place and everyone here.
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« Reply #254 on: January 16, 2020, 11:36:58 PM »
back atcha, hope - you're appreciated, too. :yes:

love and hugs, sweetie. :hug: