Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Thanks SanMagic, love and hugs to you too. 
*****
17th January 2020
I am feeling as if I might be able to write again over the weekend, and I really hope I can, as I want to, and feel it would help me to do so.  I've had a lot of triggering situations last week and it was tough to keep negotiating my way through everything, but the great thing is that I managed to get through the week, and I am feeling reasonably ok at the end of it.  I am relieved. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

me, too - i'm relieved for you, hope.  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Getting through everything is good. Feeling reasonably OK at the end of it is really good. Well done!

[Not Alone]

Getting through a week with triggering situations and being okay is a victory. Good for you.  When you are ready to write more and share, I am wanting to hear what you have to say.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Snowdrop & Notalone - thanks so much - I appreciate your replies very much 

*****
20th January 2020
I've been struggling to write recently, but today I feel able to put something down, and I really feel that I am beginning to find a lock to open the door to explore more of my life.

I very much feel as if I've been stuck in some kind of time warped waiting room – unable to truly experience things due to so many factors – too numerous to list, but all are related to my history and experience of life growing up. 

A few things have helped to shift me into action – things I've been reading in the forum – one of which was a post by RecoveryRandal who mentioned in the title of that post 'I suck at anger' and there was a reply from Kizzie who quoted things that Pete Walker had written about that, and I really related to those things.

Then arale posted about Goodbyes, and gave a link to a Jungian podcast – episode 88 being called 'Partings and Farewells' - I know I am triggered by Goodbyes and even the mention of the word or words related to it would have been tough for me to cope with in the past – they still are, but I don't feel the same depth of reaction – I did however get a massive whoosh of emotion when I started listening to that podcast – and tears fell from my eyes and my throat tightened, but I found I was able to listen and steadily as I tried to reassure the upset and distraught parts of myself, I was then able to focus and listen without so much tension and upset – and I could process some of the things they were saying.

I wrote notes whilst listening, and I want to write them here:

"Poignant farewell – authentic – holiding of the relationship – acknowledgement that we mattered to someone – there has been a story here.
Sorrow – gut-wrenching – willing to let something go – time to let it go – Has to be an ending to an important process – A time for endings
Soul prepared itself?  Time-frame – Feel the ending coming.  Painful/upsetting.
Avoid it.
Claiming the love – Let the old life go.  New life ahead.  Developmentally.  Stay with messier feelings.  Hang onto it.  Sadness – Love – Joy – A very full feeling – Write and stay connected
Feel it – If you can't allow the parting/ending and embrace it – then it can stifle growth."

I found it similarly upsetting to re-read the notes I wrote, and now I've managed to copy them from my hand-written paper into type – and that feels ok.  I'm proud of the fact I've done this, because a couple of years back I doubt I'd have even coped with listening to the podcast, let alone written something about it.

Thank you arale for the link to the podcast, I shall look out for more like that – I wonder if reading any Jung might be helpful.  I've often wanted to – but never done so – or at least not much.  I also found the analysis of the dream in the podcast was interesting too. 

I am glad to have written something – I wanted to write something today.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope,
Glad you were able to get some of your thoughts written down. 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, Thank you.   

***********
21st January 2020
I feel as if I'm grieving for many things at the moment - things hurt and touch me emotionally far more than they normally would, but I am thinking that might be a positive thing, as before I was quite dissociated from 'feeling' so much.  I'm more in touch with things now.

I wrote some notes on a piece of paper last week - which included 1) Associations and memories 2) Stockholme Syndrome and 3) Keeping parts safe.  At the time I wrote those things, they were meaningful, and not I can't remember the context of why I wrote them - so I'm putting them here again, to keep them in mind, as I am likely to shred the paper - I wrote lots of things underneath that I want to get rid of.

Whilst I think of it, I've been trying to sort through some belongings at home, and sort them out - giving some away to charity and re-cycling and I am realising my attachments to things, and some of the emotional aspects of that.  I find I feel immense guilt about some items, and yet, I feel like I shouldn't have that feeling in relation to them - but it is there.  I've been talking to my partner about some of these things, and then I hear his perspective, and it is refreshingly different - makes me realise how differently I process things, and how maybe I could cut loose a bit.

I've had part of me feeling some anger this morning, and I felt I might have been acting that out in a potentially passive-aggressive way, and I acknowledged it, and spoke about it to my partner, and I think it was good to discuss it in that way, and thankfully the angry part seems to have dissipated again.

I feel stilted as I write this - it's not flowing very well in my mind, I feel tied up with the words somehow.  Like there's still parts of me who are resistant to my writing.  But I'm going to continue to write - when I need to, and when I want to, and hopefully even when I don't feel like it - as I value the opportunity to get these words out, and oftentimes it helps me.

I saw a post by Kat about educational experiences and I wanted to write there, but I feel it's too raw and painful for me to write about my experiences at school - so I'll perhaps wait a bit - but I was finding it helpful to read what people said, and what Kat said. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, your courage and strength are showing.  well done on tackling things that you've shied away from doing in the past  that's amazing progress!

i think you'll eventually find the meaning of those 3 things again - i believe they'll come to you when you need them, they'll make sense for you life, and you'll be able to process thru them.  i have faith in you.  love and a hug filled with letting go of whatever holds you back from moving forward.

[arale]

Dear Hope, I'm so glad you found something for you in the process of bringing yourself to listen to the podcast about Partings and Farewells. I'm happy that my post has been useful to you.

I've been ambivalent about Jung's work. Sometimes, they're just brilliant, for example, the archetype of the Orphan:
http://calgaryjungsociety.org/connecting-you-archetype-of-the-orphan/

Many other times, his words seem to be too rooted in the history of the White Male Western civilization to be as universal as they claim.

One day, I might take up the challenge of watching Goodbye Christopher Robin. Thank you for the TW. Now, I'm prepped, and I know what I will be going into when I am ready.

[Hope67]

Hi Sanmagic - thank you 
Hi arale - Thank you for sharing the link to the archetype of the orphan, it is good.  I don't know much about Jung, but I do want to read more of his writing.    Yes, please take care with the TW in Goodbye Christopher Robin, I literally wasn't able to tolerate watching more than about 5 minutes, it really was unbearable for me.  I'm not sure I can try again for a long while, maybe I won't re-watch it ever.  I was shocked by my reaction to it.  So visceral and deeply upsetting.  Take care when you watch it, and I hope you are able to cope, when/if you do watch it. 

************
24th January 2020
I found myself in touch with a very scared and frightened and anxious part of myself last night during the night - but I tried to comfort that part of myself, and it was a positive thing to have done, as I found it did help.  I was aware that I couldn't get any sense of what that part of myself looked like - it was as if that part was too frightened to come out in the open to see me.  Preferred to remain hidden from view.  I am curious about it.    During the day today I felt as if I had an angry part inside who was blending with me from time to time, and I had to be careful about how I acted and things I said.  However as the day went on, I found that I feel some relief.  I did have a full blown kind of temper tantrum at one point in the day - I won't say what happened, but I threw something and it made quite a mess - I don't normally act out my feelings in that way, but I just wasn't in control of it at the time. 

I've been asserting some boundaries in relationships in my life currently - and I've expressed some preferences to one person about what I feel would be beneficial to me moving forward in that particular sphere of my life - it's in relation to my voluntary work, and I've said that there are certain things I don't wish to do anymore, and there are other things I'd like to continue to do, and now I need to wait to hear what the outcome of that negotiation will be.  I should hear next week, as I sent the communication via an E-mail.  I wasn't brave enough to do this face to face.  But at least I communicated how I felt and asked for some flexibility and hope that I will get some kind of reasonable response. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope,
There are parts inside of me who are wanting to respond to the parts you talked about. I would like to send care to the scared part, but am aware that the part may be too frightened. I will leave it to you if it would be helpful to pass that on.

My 11-year-old has been very angry in the past. She would like to say to the angry part of you, what our T said to her. "There are reasons you are so angry." My part understands throwing things and  bubbling over anger.

I've been asserting some boundaries in relationships in my life currently - and I've expressed some preferences to one person about what I feel would be beneficial to me moving forward in that particular sphere of my life - it's in relation to my voluntary work, and I've said that there are certain things I don't wish to do anymore, and there are other things I'd like to continue to do, and now I need to wait to hear what the outcome of that negotiation will be.  I should hear next week, as I sent the communication via an E-mail.  I wasn't brave enough to do this face to face.  But at least I communicated how I felt and asked for some flexibility and hope that I will get some kind of reasonable response. 

Good for you. That is brave. Sometimes wise to communicate via email because you can think through what you want to say and you don't need to give an immediate response.

[Hope67]

Dear Notalone,
It means a lot that parts of you want to communicate to parts of me.  Thank you to them.  Thank you to you.  I appreciate the wise words of the T, who spoke to your 11 year old  part who had been very angry in the past.  She said something very wise there, and it helps me to hear it, so thank you.
Hope 

[Hope67]

28th January 2020
The weekend was quite challenging for me in a few ways, but I am ok, and I got through everything.  It was ok in the end.  I feel ok today. 

I can't seem to write anything though!  I thought I would, and now I'm here, I can't.  Oh well.   I'll leave it till another day, when maybe words will come out and I can express things. 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

They'll come out when they're ready. I'm glad you're ok.

[Hope67]

Thanks Snowdrop 

***********
28th January 2020
It's happened again - I came here anticipating to write something, and now I'm here, I can't write anything.  But as Snowdrop said, when the words are ready, they will come.  I think my parts are a bit resistant - or maybe they're just not ready to let me express things.  I am just grateful this place is here, because I find it beneficial to read things, and think about things, and process things.  It really helps.
Hope