Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

Started by Hope67, July 15, 2019, 07:08:25 PM

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Blueberry

Hello Hope,

That still happens to me too - wanting to write things and then I just block. The words do come when I'm ready so I'm sure they will for you too. :) :hug:

Not Alone

There are times when I start to write something to post and a part of me is resistant, so I delete. I am learning in therapy to be respectful of those parts and not tell things that they aren't ready to have disclosed.

Hope67


SharpAndBlunt

Hope, I just wanted to offer you a  :hug: if that is okay for you. In part to thank you for all the kind  :hug: you have given me. Just wanted to give one back.

Hope67

Dear SaB - thank you so much, I appreciate your hug very much, and I'm also really happy to see you again - I wondered how you've been, so will pop over to your Journal and have a look if you've written anything.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hope67

4th February 2020
I wanted to write about a dream I had last night, which involved me being allocated some 'foster parents' - except not in the usual sense of that - I was an adult in the dream, the same age as I am now, and I was being allocated parents who 'needed looking after' - they weren't elderly, they were just a bit vulnerable as people, and they'd had to move around a lot - being given places to stay by authorities, and I was trying to explain to them that I understood how that feeling was, the moving around feeling.  They ended up telling me their preferences for Christmas presents!  The kind of aftershave the man liked, and things like that.  It was unexpected to have such a dream.  My partner met them in the dream, and was getting to know them as well.  I told him about the dream - and he said he thought it was interesting that I was having 'foster' parents and not 'adopting them'  and I said that maybe that was to make sure things were right before committing.

When I think about what might have triggered these dreams, I did watch an episode of 'Cold Feet' yesterday - which had themes of relationships with mothers in it, and how one of the characters had a distant and difficult relationship with her mother, and she was trying to re-build it, but it wasn't working.  The other character's mother had died in the programme, and I think all those things must have affected my sleep in some way.  There are other triggers too, but I won't write those here.  Parts of me aren't comfortable for me to share all the triggers. 

Also I tried to get into the Conference yesterday - the one about Trauma, and it had something called Zoom, which is a video link thing, and it scared me - so I'm waiting for the recorded video to be available, and hope to watch it then. 

I wrote something in the forum that received some helpful answers, and I don't know where I put it - I've found it difficult to find it again, but I'll try to find some time and have a good look.  People gave me some helpful answers, and suggestions, and I want to consider those. 

I notice that I lose things, and can't find them, and I really think it's part of me that resists and makes me forget where they are.  I think that part does it on purpose, as it thinks I can't cope, but I'm trying to face things, and I feel like I am strong enough to do so.  I want to find a book by Mary Bratton (not sure if I've remembered her name right or not) - but I have that book, and it is about CSA and I would like to read that book again, and try some of her experiential exercises, as I feel like I could cope with doing that.  But I need to find the book, and it is currently hidden away and out of my memory as to where it is hidden. 

I need to go now, as I've got an appointment I need to get ready for.

Hope  :)

Hope67

7th February 2020
Interesting to notice that having attended some of the sessions of the Embodying Trauma Conference, I find that there is part of me that seems to get activated and becomes more prominent, and it's like an angry part of myself, and I'm wondering if it's because attending the conference has evoked some sensitive and vulnerable parts of myself, and the angry part is some kind of protector who wants to ensure I don't stay too long focusing on things.  Yet I am thinking that it's better for me to explore in that way, and to get in touch with some of the feelings that are evoked, so I continue to pursue it.

I've felt some challenging feelings and I found one of the talks to be particularly upsetting - it was one I heard today by Raymond Castellino and he talked about peri- and pre-natal stuff, and I found it very upsetting.  But at the same time, I felt it was good to acknowledge those feelings and to express the emotion, and I cried.  It was ok.

I am tired now.  But I feel ok.

I am sure there are things I can use from this conference, and I'm glad that I attended it.  I've been reading a book as well - by Philippa Perry about parenting and I'm writing notes about it as I read it, to help myself to process it, and as I read it - I get strong reactions to things that are written, and comparing my own experience with the descriptions that Philippa writes about.  I feel like it's a helpful book to me at the moment, and what I need to read.  But I'm taking it slowly and processing little by little so as not to over-whelm myself.

Hope  :)

Blueberry

Quote from: Hope67 on February 04, 2020, 09:04:08 AM
Also I tried to get into the Conference yesterday - the one about Trauma, and it had something called Zoom, which is a video link thing, and it scared me - so I'm waiting for the recorded video to be available, and hope to watch it then. 

I just wanted to say I can really relate. I've watched only the recorded videos on this conference. I've had nothing to do with Zoom. Thank you for being able to feel and write that you're scared. That's my problem too afaik when I can't do something technical or I'm just very reluctant. Then I tend to feel shame and everything gets worse. Your writing about it helps me remember there's no reason to feel shame.  :) :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on February 04, 2020, 09:04:08 AM
I wrote something in the forum that received some helpful answers, and I don't know where I put it - I've found it difficult to find it again, but I'll try to find some time and have a good look.  People gave me some helpful answers, and suggestions, and I want to consider those. 
Did you manage to find them? If not, pm me, I can probably help you. I didn't respond right away with this offer because sometimes when I lose things, there seems to be a reason, as if it's some type of EF and protecting me somehow. Then suddenly I find the thing again despite having already looked in that place 2 or 3 times very thoroughly.  :stars:

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I just want to say how much I appreciate your reply here, and I've read some of your notes that you've taken from the Embodied Trauma Conference as well, and I think you have taken such great notes, and written many helpful things.  You also helped me feel less alone with my difficulty with technology - I experience these difficulties so often - often daily infact, and it frustrates me a lot.  But you're right, there's no reason to feel shame about it, and that is validating to know.  Thank you  :hug:

I have found the post that I did, and you're right in that there is so often a reason when I can't find things, it's like my parts aren't ready for me to look at something - but I did read through the replies today, and will return to them again when I feel less overwhelmed.  I realise I'm still carrying lots of feelings from having watched the Embodied Trauma conference, and also reading a book by Philippa Perry - and there was quite a bit of overlap between those resources, and it was helpful.

I am realising many things - and I hope to write about them, once I can manage to think through and summarise some of my thoughts and feelings about it all.  But I do feel overwhelmed at the present moment, and so I need to perhaps step away a bit, and find ways to orientate myself to chill out a bit in the here and now. 

:hug: to you Blueberry - I also read what you wrote when you were talking with Libby, about sitting watching the Conference and having a cuddly toy to stroke - and I did exactly the same thing - infact I hadn't realised how lovely and soft my cuddly toy was, until doing that - as I've had it next to me but hadn't picked it up to hold or stroke it.  One of the speakers encouraged the exploration of touch and texture, and that had brought me to do that - and then I thought the toy felt like a lovely warm kitten, as if it was a breathing thing.  Amazing to experience that. 

Hope  :)

sanmagic7

i haven't been around lately - my mind is pretty bananas at the moment, but i'm glad for you, hope, that you're finding your way thru what is ok for you to do and what isn't at this time.  i totally agree w/ blueberry that there's no shame in not being able to do what others can.  dang, i'm a tech snooze - i ask my d nearly daily to help me w/ something or other on the computer!  so, you're not alone on that one.

glad you found your post,  yeah, all this stuff, i'm convinced, comes in the time when we are ready for it. 

love and hugs, hope. :hug:


Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you for your love and hugs, and sending some back to you as well  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Hope67

15th February 2020
I was upset by the news that a famous person was found dead today at the age of 40, and I found out because my computer flashed the message up on the screen.  I'm not sure how I've caused that notification to happen, but it was a shock.  It's not as if I know the person, they were a celebrity (British) and I knew that they had been experiencing some difficulties in relationships, but the news that they have died, it's a shock.

I don't really know why it has affected me so much, so I have come here to write about it.  I tried to access a chatline online, but it freaked me out, it was the 7Cups website and I was trying to talk to the Bot, but then the Bot said a listener was going to come to talk to me, and I didn't want to talk to a real person, I preferred to talk to the Bot - which makes me wonder why I was so fearful to connect to a real person.   

Quite a few deaths have happened in the past week - and they are people who are close to people I know IRL, so maybe I am fearing the fact of death, and not managing to process that very well.  I don't really know. 

I've finished the book by Philippa Perry, and I started reading a book by a survivor of bulimia and eating disorders, and whilst I didn't think I had many issues with eating, except for probably having binge ate quite a bit in my earlier life, and comfort eating now - I was able to relate to some things in the person's past, and things she was saying about dissociating.  She even described how she had looked in a mirror as a child and dissociated to see a girl looking back at her who wasn't felt as the same person as she actually was - and I thought - yes, me too. That happened to me.  I used to stare at my reflection in the mirror, and watch it morph into a slightly different girl than myself.  I think that horror films had got me doing that - but I do remember it.

The Embodied Trauma conference was really interesting, and I did take some notes.  I might share some of them at some point, but I am keen not to over-load myself, as it means re-processing things - that is good in a way, but can also over-whelm me.  There was a woman with red hair who spoke really well - I can't remember who she was now, but she spoke of 'growling' and protecting, and things she said have stayed with me. 

I've been dreaming more at night - and last night I felt as if I'd entered a realm that was significant, but I can't remember the content of what happened, and that feels frustrating to me.  But I really felt as if I was making some progress in the dream. 

I am so glad I came here to write, because I am feeling a bit better.  I had a horrible feeling inside, like a vacant and horrible hole, and just writing these things and getting out some words, I feel calmer. 

Hope  :)

Snowdrop

I share your shock and upset about the news as well, Hope. :hug:

It sounds as though you're having lots of insights, and I'm glad you feel better for writing.

Not Alone

Hope, glad you came on OOTS to write. You are not alone.  :hug:

Hope67