Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[sanmagic7]

this celebrity's death seems to have affected a lot of people here.  tragic.

i'm glad you were able to write, hope, and that it helped.  that's often the case w/ me as well.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you 

****
24th February 2020
Just to say I'm not very well at the moment - nothing really bad, just fluey kind of feelings, bad cold, sore throat, over a few days now, but I think I'm getting a bit better as time goes on.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I hope you feel better soon, Hope.  I'll bring you a cosy blanket and a hot drink of your choice.

[sanmagic7]

sending you lovely soup and healing energy, sweetie.  glad you're beginning to feel better.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Hope you feel better soon, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, SanMagic and Notalone - thank you so much for your lovely replies, they helped me.   

29th February 2020
I have no idea what I'm going to write now - but I do want to write some things.  I am finally feeling a bit better, probably quite a lot better than I was.  I am so relieved about that.  It had made me feel very uneasy and quite low in mood.  However, during the days that passed, I found that I attended more to the different parts of myself, and in particular got in touch with a part that I hadn't really communicated with previously, and she showed me quite a few things that I hadn't processed before.  I would say it was a darker side that I would normally shy away from acknowledging - and therefore I realise that I wasn't there for that part of myself.  I feel bad about that, and I hope to write some letters 'not to send' to my parts, to try to work through some of the feelings and thoughts connected to that experience, but I don't want to try to describe it here and now, as I feel like it is too hard to process and express.  So I'm writing it here, to remind me of my intention to do that.

I think I've done quite a lot of processing in different ways in the past few weeks - there have been more intense dreams, and yet it's been manageable, because I don't get the old experiences of being out of control and it feels much more manageable - I seem to be taking a more active role within the dreams, and not feeling quite so passive and helpless in them. 

One thing that really surprised me was how a part of myself seemed to be telling me that it would be a very good idea to tear up my book of processing notes that I've done - where I've got lots of diagrams of different times of my life and theories and links that I've made about my past.  It was like she really wanted me to just tear them all up, and that would be a great thing to do.  She made me think that I would feel liberated if I did that.  That everything would be ok.

But I am so glad that I didn't act on that very strong pull, because I can see it's like a pattern or theme where there's a part of me who wants to rub things out, to not see things that happened, to pretend that none of it happened - rather than feel the pain of acknowledging what did happen.  I know I've been coming into contact with some heavy feelings, feels of grief, of anger, of desolation, very deep and dark feelings, but I've been trying to just hold them in my thoughts, and I've been trying to feel compassion for the younger inner parts of myself who have managed to cope with so many different things.

I feel emotional as I write this now - as I can feel the weight of holding things together - that some part of me has managed - with the help of all those inner parts - it's like they've worked together as a massive family, and they're doing their best - and always have done. 

I can't write anymore just now - I am however so glad I've managed to write this, as there's been many times I've wanted to come here and write - and yet I couldn't manage to do so.

I have done today.

Although I've felt much more pain and upset in recent weeks, I would say I feel more alive and I feel more in touch with emotions than I've ever done previously, and that includes some of the positive emotions too - so I feel like that's good progress, and I feel like things are beginning to fall into place - I hope to write more about that next time - or another time - but what felt like a fragmented puzzle before, is now beginning to have more sense of meaning and is becoming a comprehensive narrative that I have more understanding of now.  I feel that.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

You're doing amazing work, Hope. As I read your words, I could feel the progress that you're making. A big Well Done, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

[Blueberry]

You're doing amazing work, Hope. As I read your words, I could feel the progress that you're making. A big Well Done, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop & Blueberry - thank you both so much.   

1st March 2020
I'm still recovering from my cold, but I feel like I'm on the mend now, and I feel a lot better in myself.  I was concerned today about trying to meet some other people's expectations, but I've managed to make some decisions that have put my own needs first, and that has been accepted by the other people, and more than that, I think they've understood.  Plus not wanting to be around someone ill as well, which is understandable. 

I was reading something that Woodsgnome wrote in the forum today - and I have made a note of it, as it was something I related to a lot, and which expressed something I would ideally have liked to say myself - so I hope Woodsgnome won't mind my repeating it here - it was:

"We're all doing the impossible, almost literally. I mean there's no hope of changing anything of the old story. Mainly it just can't be understood. And when I allow myself (and ignore the inner critic) to feel that I'm really, really in this new story I've worked so hard to create, then things do seem to get better.

The only sure quality that helps for me is perseverance, and riding with the waves, not fighting them, and definitely self-comforting as much as I can. Sadly, that's not always enough, but at least it's a start to evening things out."

I found that very helpful, and I wanted to remember it in my diary.  I like how Woodsgnome writes of persevering, riding with the waves rather than fighting them, and self-comforting.  A start to even things out.  Very wise. 

Also reading Snowdrop's writing has been so helpful to me in the past few weeks, as she is working with IFS and making progress, and I feel a great sense of positivity about that, as it's helped me to keep exploring trying to befriend and work with my own parts. 

I hope this will last, but at the moment I feel a greater sense of hope about moving forward with things.  Two books that I recently read were very helpful too - they were:
"The Book  Your Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And your Children Will be Glad That You Did)" by Philippa Perry
and
"Wasted: Coming Back from an Addiction to Starvation: A Heart-Rending Memoir" by Marya Hornbacher

Both those books were so helpful to me, in that they spoke of things I related to - family dynamics that resonated with me. 

As I start this new month, I'm hoping that I will be able to get rid of this cold at long last, it's been really getting me down.  But I feel happier to think it's on its way out now, and I am getting better.  I was also finding there's a hypochondriacal part of myself that was worried about the coronavirus, but I have been able to reign those worries in, especially since buying a thermometer to take my termperature!   I have been a normal temperature recently, and that is reassuring.  I don't know what it was like before, but I had worried it might have been higher.

I've been thinking of Deep Blue, as I know she's had Influenza A, and I really hope she and her son are feeling better. 

My inner critic is having a go at me as I write all of this, telling me that I'm lazy for not going over to people's diaries and telling them these things I'm mentioning, but I know if I do that, then I might end up not necessarily writing what I want to write, and therefore whilst I think of it, I'm just writing it here.

Talking of parts of myself, I've also had a part that has been giving me very negative directions and statements - and I'm not going to repeat what that part has said, as it's been quite destructive, but I have been attempting to respond by acknowledging how bad that part must have felt to be wanting to say those things.  That's the part I want to write a letter 'not to send' to - a very destructive part of myself, but I do appreciate why she is feeling and acting that way. 

Glad I wrote this today - I feel actually braver somehow.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad my journal's helped you.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you wrote it, too, hope.  and i loved wg's words - they are nearly poetic while describing something horrific.  wise, indeed.

glad you're getting over your cold.  i think that coronavirus has us all on edge nowadays.  i don't know if it has anything to do w/ hypochondria, but it certainly is scary.  i know that i'm much more aware of what i touch when i'm out (i usually keep my gloves on) and using hand sanitizer a lot more often.  there are so many threats out there, it's hard to keep track.

keep going, hope.  sounds like you're doing some really good stuff for yourself.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Glad you are starting to feel better from your cold. Yay that you are feeling hopeful. Hope, you work so hard at learning, reading, processing. I do not think you are lazy, at all. Thanks for sharing.

[Sceal]

Just wanted to pop by and offer a hug, if that's ok? 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, It certainly has - reading your journal and also things that others have written, it's what keeps me going with my own processing and I value it so much.  Even at those times when I'm not able to express myself or write, I often come here and read things, and it really helps.  Thank you 

Hi SanMagic,
Yes, I agree that wg's words were nearly poetic, and they resonated with me - wise indeed.  I was thinking about whether my worries had been hypochondriacal, and decided I was being harsh on myself, as I agree with you, it is worrying/concerning.  I appreciate the love and hugs, and send them also to you    Here's to keeping going.  I am feeling like that's worth doing at the moment. 

Hi Notalone,
Thank you so much - I am feeling a lot better this morning - so I am so thankful for that.  It had been getting me down quite a bit, the cold, but I'm beginning to feel a lot better - particularly today.   I also appreciate you saying you don't think I'm lazy at all - I do recognise that a lot of that is from my early experience, and my parents ridiculing me on occasions and calling me lazy - using various different descriptors.  So I can see where it comes from, and my inner parts sometimes say it to me. 

Hi Sceal,
I appreciate you popping by and offering a hug, and I gratefully accept that hug and share one back with you, if that's ok    I've thought of you quite a bit in the last few days, as I know you've been moving, and I have felt a bit bad that I didn't pop over to your journal to say anything.  I hope you're ok. 

**********
2nd March 2020
I feel ok this morning, so much better than I did last week, and right at this moment, I feel brighter in my mood as well.  I really hope this lasts, because I had felt so down in the dumps the past couple of weeks, it was really getting me down, and taking me to darker places and darker thoughts.  I am embracing this positive feeling today, and holding onto it.
Hope 

[Sceal]

A hug from you are always welcome!
I am thankful that you have been thinking of me!

So good to hear that you are having a good morning. I really hope that it is a sign for you to get into a better place or period. Fingers and toes crossed!