baby steps (I'm trying)

[sunflower38]

New here and first time journaling! I'm so grateful I found this forum, these days I feel very isolated so I'm hoping writing things out will help me.

*possible trigger warnings*

I should definitely be in bed by now, but had a small setback tonight and I'm not sure how much damage it's done. I recently moved to a completely new place, both living alone and starting therapy for the first time. While I'm glad that I started therapy, it has definitely made everything worse (I guess it gets way worse before it gets better) and just being able to function day to day is hard and taxing. The amount of symptoms and symptom awareness has skyrocketed which causes a lot of unsafe feelings, even when I live alone! Reading through some of the other journals on here is really helpful in trying to set really small goals for myself that are reasonable (something I struggle with).

Right now my goals (just for the rest of the year) are:
1. Make my home space feel like a safe space that I feel I can exist in and let myself work through things while feeling like I safely can do so.
2. Try to open up more in therapy (sharing trauma, amnesia, thoughts, etc.).
3. Try to take care of the body the best that I can that day (eating, going outside, sleeping, etc.).

Despite having a lot of repressed things and other things that I might make more posts on that were brought up through therapy that make me feel extremely overwhelmed 24/7, I've finally been able to very very slowly start to make my home feel safe. Whether it's turning on a light when I don't like the dark that night, making sure that all of the objects and things are things that don't cause trauma/flashbacks/upset and generally make me feel comfortable, and constantly reminding myself that I'm alone.

*some more possible trigger warnings*

But, tonight while I was watching a show and knitting (a hobby my therapist tries to get me into to ground me, sometimes works) there were a couple of men outside who were trying to get into the building. It was dark and I couldn't really see them all that well, but they were clearly trying to get into the building and not being able to (my first thought was that they were late night maintenance workers here, but if they were maintenance then they would be able to get into the building themselves so that comforting idea was shot down). I wasn't really paying attention, just sitting in my chair next to the window trying to have a relaxing night, when I suddenly I saw really bright flashes down on the ground from their phone (I'm on the second story). They were trying to get my attention to open the door on the bottom level to let them in. To which I immediately shook my head no then proceeded to become very alarmed that there were three men trying to get my attention. All of my trauma that I'm aware of stemmed from male abusers, so this wasn't the best experience for me to go through right now. I promptly turned all of my lights off and got as far away from any windows as I could. I waited until they left to move to a different room and to close off blinds, I currently feel better than I did, but I think that really set me back in making myself feel safe in my space.

I got on Amazon and was looking at window curtains that I could put over windows, but then I started to feel extremely angry towards the men who were outside. How dare anyone make me feel unsafe in this space I've been working so hard to make a place I can safely try to process? I very very rarely get angry, so this was a huge surprise to me. Usually if someone has made me feel vulnerable or unsafe I will hide or push everything back until I don't feel anything at all (I have an amazing poker face), so this was something new. I really don't want to buy curtains, windowless or rooms that appear to be windowless tend to unsettle me greatly (from past experiences and trauma places), but the feeling that I might need to buy them is still there and the slight anger that I need to in the first place is still there.

I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, like I always am, but I really hope this doesn't affect the space that I've created here and put so much mental/emotional effort into. Sometimes I feel like I over exaggerate things out of proportion or I'm over reacting. Right now I'm just  . I didn't realize how long this was going to be, oof. I'm hoping maybe I'll make some progress with this tomorrow ? I'm too tired to continue on this path, but maybe later.

[sanmagic7]

well done, sunflower!  nice start to your journal.  i think your goals are well thought out and good ones to reach for.  these baby steps absolutely count, and they'll get bigger and stronger as you continue healing.

therapy can be disturbing, it's true, cuz you're going thru stuff that you'd often rather not remember, but sometimes it can also be a relief cuz as you go thru that stuff, you can also very often get it out where it belongs and leave it at the office.  it may take a while to reach that point, but hang tough, ok?  in the meantime, i think journaling, at least for me, can be extremely helpful.  i'm glad you found us, and i hope you find the support here that you're looking for.

sending love and a hug filled w/ safety (if it's ok).   

[Tee]

Welcome sunflower,
I agree with San therapy can be tough at first but as you work through things it helps to get it out with a good T. I hope this is the case for you. 
I would not let people into the building either there's a reason for the locks the way they are.  You should be safe because of them.  Don't let stupid people scare you! Your on the second floor you should be ok.

[Bach]

Good job on starting your journal, sunflower.  Starting my journal was really scary but so far I feel that it has been super-helpful.  I used to write in a private journal all the time, but it stopped being helpful.  I find there to be something very powerful and fortifying about writing knowing that people who read will believe me and not judge.

[sunflower38]

@sanmagic7 - Thank you so much! I really like the leaving therapy in therapy idea, I think that's been helping me quite a bit today. (hugs are great!  )

@Tee - I've reminded myself that I'm safe now and today is a lot better day. I almost felt a little guilty for not letting them in, that I should be nice to them, but I think now that was my people pleaser talking and not what I would in any way want to do.

@Bach - I completely get that, I still have a personal journal that I write in occasionally, but I was hoping with this it would help me feel less like I'm "stuck in my head". The not judging part is so important, sometimes I struggle opening up in therapy because I'm afraid of judgement even though logically I know any professional wouldn't do that.

[Three Roses]

Welcome!

[sunflower38]

@Three Roses - Thank you!!

July 17th —

*possible trigger warnings*

Today has been a day of ups and downs, feeling better then feeling like I hit the bottom of a pit. Most of the time I feel like I'm "losing my mind". Mostly swinging between being aware and feeling like I'm not here and things aren't real.

I know staying inside all day most days doesn't help me. I really want to go outside tomorrow, hopefully it will make me feel better, but a part of me is afraid of going outside or to be around people. I think I'll try really really hard to go somewhere that I know I'll enjoy.

Right now I've been realizing that dwelling on things and what I'm going through just makes it worse. I can't be my own therapist or give myself therapy. I need help. Tomorrow I am going to call my therapist office to make an appointment with my new therapist (my previous therapist moved and changed jobs so I was referred to a new one who I haven't had an appointment with yet). I'm hoping I can get an appointment fairly quickly.

Yesterday C called me and told me that R (main abuser) had a court case and there was a possibility that he could be getting out of jail. I think I'm still processing this. There's no possible way R knows where either of us are or how to get in contact with us, but it's still worrying. There's a part of me that's scared that something could happen.

Right now I think I'm just trying to make it through the motions that my mind throws me through.

(trying I guess) 

[Tee]

That's a lot to process sunflower.  I hope that you are able to get in to see your new T soon.  Hugs if that's ok.

[Three Roses]

Right there with you, sunflower. It's time I also got back into therapy - like you, my last t also moved away. Ugh. But at least I know what I want to talk about now (anger) which is different than any other time I've gone to therapy. The most I could come up with before was just getting someone to listen to my experiences and "fix" me. 

Best of luck to you in this! 

[sunflower38]

The most I could come up with before was just getting someone to listen to my experiences and "fix" me. 

I think that's what I've been doing in therapy for the last couple of weeks. I feel like I just sit there and don't actively participate in my own recovery. I have a new appointment on Monday with a new therapist, but this time I'm going to do it different. I really want to get better and to do that I can't be a backseat driver. I even made a giant list to give to my new therapist on topics to talk about instead of avoiding things like I always do. Can't wait!

[Tee]

Sounds like progress sunflower good luck.

[Blueberry]

R (main abuser) had a court case and there was a possibility that he could be getting out of jail. I think I'm still processing this. There's no possible way R knows where either of us are or how to get in contact with us, but it's still worrying. There's a part of me that's scared that something could happen.

Scared that something could happen? Totally understandable to me (even though my own trauma history is different - there's nobody in jail).

I second what Tee says - in that whole post there's a lot to process. We are here for you, standing with you.

I like the title of your Journal because baby steps count! Often it's them that get me moving in recovery long-term.

[sanmagic7]

sunflower, i love the 'take charge' attitude that you decided to surround yourself with for your next stint in therapy.  i think that's great.  best to you with this.

sorry about the abuser getting out of jail - that would be triggering, indeed.  i also understand the scariness behind learning something like that.

as blueberry says, we're right her with you.  and, i agree, that sometimes baby steps are the ones that can propel us forward even better than when we try to take a giant leap.  well done, sweetie.   

sending love and a hug filled with strength for all your new future.

[sunflower38]

@Tee - Thank you!!

@Blueberry - I really appreciate everyone here, I'm so grateful for this place 

@sanmagic7 -

July 19th ~~

Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I felt like I was experiencing my past all at once. Every second felt like an emotional whirlwind. It wasn't until after I got physically sick that I could think straight for a bit and decided to take a step I never thought I could or would want to. I called C and we talked for over an hour about our past, and filled in a lot of blanks for each other. We both confessed a lot, shared a lot, cried a lot (lol). My childhood is so spotty that I always wondered if I truly wanted to know what happened, all of it, or if it was best untouched.

After talking together I realized that I never have to forgive R for what he did to us for all those years. I think realizing this helped me move on from the nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was missing a big part of myself. Those memories and experiences may be gone, and sometimes I'm grateful for that, but I would still like to find out who those missing parts were. Was I ever brave? Did I stand up for my own opinions? Was I extroverted? Did I go after what I wanted? What did I enjoy? What did I want? If I tore out all of me that was built from the people who told me what to be, who would I be left with? I really want to find out who I am (thank you Three Roses for inspiring me through your own journey).

Today has been a really good day. I haven't felt this aware of myself and "awake" in a long time. There hasn't been any anxiety, panic, or fear. I've just been relaxing and actually able to watch some shows that I enjoy without dissociating. C and I talked about how it's not good for me to dwell on everything alone, so we've been trying to find activities outside for me to do. I went swimming today, which was nice because it's a private pool and no one goes swimming at 9 in the morning  . I also found a couple groups through Meetup that I'm interested in and know I would feel safe going to. My therapy appointment for Monday did get cancelled yesterday since she said she needed a break that day, so it was moved to next Friday. I was originally worried and a little upset over this, wondering if I could really go through the week feeling like this (from yesterday), but today I think I'm okay. C is visiting on Friday and over the weekend, so I know I won't be alone and C said that it would probably be better for me if I wasn't alone after a therapy appointment (I agree).

So for right now I feel calm, the calm after a storm I guess. Like how the ocean feels after a great storm rolls through, I just need to pick up all of the debris it left on the beach now. I'm ready to live my life the way that I want to live it. And I hope that 5 years down the line I can look back and love myself for going through all of this for what feels like a second time now. I don't know if it's too early to say it, but I'm really proud of myself for starting this journey. It sucks and sometimes I wish I didn't, but now I'm really glad that I did. I can't wait to see how much I grow from this.

[Three Roses]

I'm ready to live my life the way that I want to live it.