baby steps (I'm trying)

[Blueberry]

    That happens to me too unfortunately.

[Tee]

  no the feeling hope tomorrow is better.

[sunflower38]

August 6th ''''

Today was a practice of what my therapist and I have been talking about of "just because one hour of your day wasn't good doesn't mean all 24 hours of your day were bad". First half of my day was okay, feeling better physically, but ultimately was bored and didn't do anything. Then later after dinner something seemed to click in the right place and I felt like doing things. I ended up drawing on my wellness board and on a personal project. And it was great!! My inner critic voice which is usually quick to make any happy occasion miserable was very weak and quiet today. I was able to enjoy what I was doing and afterwards I felt so proud of myself I actually told myself out loud how proud of myself I was. I feel giddy with happiness, today was a small mental health achievement! 

[sanmagic7]

 

well done!   

[Tee]

  yeah

[Not Alone]

 

[sunflower38]

August 10th -

I just need to let these memories go, like sand through my fingers. They're not useful to me anymore, they're in the past and they'll always be in the past. And I just want to let them go. They don't belong here. I'm so tired.

[sanmagic7]

having those memories constantly rising up and hijacking your mind is exhausting!  i've battled this for years. still am, altho it's diminished somewhat lately.  sometimes, tho, i still have to shout them down.

sending love and a supportive hug filled with peace of mind.   

[Tee]

  I'm there with you. I wish there was a magic wand that would help us all.

[sunflower38]

August 13th ~

I've been feeling sad a lot lately and I feel guilty for feeling bad. I don't want to feel guilty about feeling sad or depressed. It's just my mind and body's way of saying that I need to take it easy and that I've been going through a lot. Today I didn't really do anything until the afternoon, where I felt the urge to go through my old sketchbooks and journals. I ended up crying a lot while looking through them. I didn't realize that I've been writing down the mental thoughts/problems that my trauma has given to me and things I'm working on with my therapist. I thought a lot of those years were spent being numb, but I was wrong, I was in a bad place trying to get better for years now. I wish I got help sooner, or talked to someone. I feel so bad for myself that I thought all of that unhealthy thinking, bad relationships, isolation, fear, etc. was normal. It's not, it's a sign of mental illness.

I haven't been working a lot on my art projects, there's not a whole lot of motivation there, I always feel like I'm not good enough, or that I don't deserve to enjoy the projects that I love working on. While I was going through my old journals I came across some quotes that I wrote down during my old critiques from a teacher who meant a lot to me, still does. He said a lot of good things about my art and myself, and reading these ended up making me cry for quite a while. I wish that kindness and support was given to me when I was younger.

I ended up writing a letter to my 2020 self. A lot of hopes and love to them. I want to feel a little better and to be kinder to myself. I also listed some good things that happened so far this year that I want to remind myself of. I hope I can look back on this year with kinder eyes and that I'm proud of my 2019 self. Right now I feel like an unending loop of mental-health-mental-illness-not-doing-great-I-need-help. I want to be kinder to myself. Being sad isn't bad. Grieving the pain that my poor child-self had to go through isn't bad. Wanting to try things as an adult that I never got to try as a kid isn't bad. Sharing my emotions with someone isn't bad. Taking the time to heal isn't bad. I don't need to force myself to suffer, no matter how much I think I deserve that.

I've been thinking about writing a letter to my younger self, for those twelve years that I lived a life I shouldn't have had to. I don't feel like starting a new thread in the appropriate place and I want it here so I'll just add it on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear younger me,

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. No one deserves that. You certainly didn't. I really wish I could hold you and hug you, tell you that everything is fine and you can grow up the way that you should have. You can have as many snacks after school as you want. I'm really proud of you for getting those F's in science class because I know you tried really really hard. You can hang up as many things on your walls as you want and you can even paint them. You can turn the oven on and roast marshmallows with mom like you used to, laughing about silly things and getting your fingers sticky. You can play dress up in the backyard with the dog and pretend you're on another planet. You can love the color pink as much as you want, and even glitter. You can be loud and outwardly emotional. You can cry over your bear that you lost at daycare that one time. You can play video games all day. You can paint all the pretty pictures you want, I'll hang them up on the fridge and mom will too. You never ever have to do sports again. You can have sleepovers with all of your friends. You can have friends. You can stay up late Friday night watching tv. You can do those bead projects that you like doing, mom will iron all of them for you. You are never a burden to anyone. You can keep your hair as long or as short as you want, you can even dye it. You can get those dinosaur chicken nuggets and pretend they're eating each other. You can keep a journal without the fear of anyone going through it. You can have as many hugs as you want. You can go to the park. You can have a bunch of stuffed animals. You can read whatever type of book you want. You never have to go anywhere that makes you scared. You can do anything that interests you. Anything. You can be brave. I really hope you never stop being brave.

I'm so sorry.

Love,
sunflower38

~~~~~~~~~~~

This took a lot out of me, and I cried some more, but I do feel better. I think I need to give my child-self a little more attention and love. She really needs it right now. I want to give her so many hugs and the type of childhood she deserves.

[Not Alone]

Beautiful, tender, precious letter.

I ended up writing a letter to my 2020 self. A lot of hopes and love to them. I want to feel a little better and to be kinder to myself. I also listed some good things that happened so far this year that I want to remind myself of. I hope I can look back on this year with kinder eyes and that I'm proud of my 2019 self. Right now I feel like an unending loop of mental-health-mental-illness-not-doing-great-I-need-help. I want to be kinder to myself. Being sad isn't bad. Grieving the pain that my poor child-self had to go through isn't bad. Wanting to try things as an adult that I never got to try as a kid isn't bad. Sharing my emotions with someone isn't bad. Taking the time to heal isn't bad. I don't need to force myself to suffer, no matter how much I think I deserve that.

Kindness, allowing feelings, trying new things, sharing emotions, taking time to heal -----

[Anjulie]

  I hear you.
Glad you feel better after the letter and after the feeling and the crying

[Snowdrop]

Sunflower, your last journal entry is amazing. So many insights, you're allowing yourself to feel, and you're looking after your younger and future selves. Wow.

[sunflower38]

notalone, Anjulie, and Snowdrop: thank you!!

I was able to do some releasing of negative energy through yoga this morning which was really nice. I ended up decluttering some things that no longer make me happy. I also went grocery shopping and treated myself to some sushi, which was really good! I'm trying to let myself heal in my own time instead of expecting myself to overcome years of trauma in a single hour like I have expected of myself so many times before. I have a lot to talk about in therapy in a couple days and I fully expect to cry, but I think it'll do me some good! 🌻

[Tee]

  sunflower your letter made a tear come to my eye, and I don't usually cry that was beat out of me years ago.  It was perfect what every inner child needs to hear.  I saw this art picture the other day it has picture of a peacock and a little quote I put the quote on someone else's line too but it should go here to it's pretty great it's my wish for my kids.

"Have only one rule: Be your wild, Courageous, brilliant self every single day. No matter what. May you never fail to express all the wild and wonderous things you are."

Keep being nice to your littles.