Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[sanmagic7]

o my heart!  'that's normal' what kind of cleanliness standards does this guy have?  ugh!  so very sorry you're going thru this, blueberry.  it really is gross!

i think sometimes we just need some bed time.  it's warm, cozy, and safe feeling (for some of us).  a tool to use to help us feel better.  my rocking chair serves that purpose for me, as well as my little computer corner.  we all have our own places, and i'm glad you are able to take advantage of your bed the way you do. 

good luck w/ toilet guy.  people and public bathrooms can be disgusting.  love and hugs, blueberry.   

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your continued support with this topic, san! It really means a lot.

"It's normal." Possibly this guy's wife always cleans up after him at home, but I'm not going to! One good thing about the whole situation is that I can feel myself getting more assertive about this without being frightened of my assertion and pulling back. Progress  . Certainly helped along by your and other mbrs' comments on here. 

You asked if he doesn't put the seat up to pee. Apparently not, but now he has started leaving it up sometimes. This feels gross too because Idk what I might find when I put it down before using.

You also mentioned the things I've had to put up with in this building, just one thing after another. Somebody else might move. But I know that one of the reasons I haven't is the feeling that boundary transgressions and taking me for granted might well happen elsewhere. This is me, realising that there is growth I need to do before this kind of thing will stop. Growth means: being assertive, showing including with body language that I'm not going to back down and take all this stuff. Sometimes 'growth' probably means leaving an issue to itself for a while to see if there is some resolve without me 'harping on' at the person. Growth also means making decisions I wouldn't have taken previously, e.g. by taking back that part of the garden that once was mine.

"we need to be on our best behavior, showing our best manners, when we share space with others. " That's what I always thought too. I can be as messy as I like or as I'm not able to contain in my own apartment but in shared spaces of the building I need to tidy and clean up after myself. That's not what other people in this building generally think. The previous tailor  - who was a woman - was really clean in the bathroom and she also did most of the regular cleaning in there, whereas I always bought bathroom supplies and took on other cleaning jobs for her e.g. floors, so it evened out I guess. I did ask on a number of occasions though. I didn't just take it for granted. The one before her was messy like you wouldn't believe. He denied it and blamed my students, though the mess was there at the time I got keys for my office and the bathroom. The ll of the time moved on that actually.

My progress atm is moving out of the "only the grown-ups are allowed to deal with issues". Quite a long time ago a T told me that ll is like a parent and the tenants are like siblings and ll of that time was telling the 'children' to sort it out for themselves. This is/was extremely triggering for me. It's hard to sort something out with siblings or any other group of people your own age or of equal status when (a) you've never been allowed to much and (b) when you occasionally did, you were strongly rebuked because it was an adult's job or (c) you were rebuked for being useless at it and being childish and you should just put up with the situation and (d) it wasn't possible to sort anything out anyway because there was no even playing field since B1 was bigger and stronger and resorted to his fists, with no rebuke.

[Blueberry]

I feel tired and overwhelmed today. I'm not really sure why except for 2 new students. Concrete, beneficial move was telling myself that this afternoon/evening isn't crammed full of appointments. I have breaks between lessons and therefore time to get on with various jobs, including vacuuming my office.

[sanmagic7]

i get that whole thing about children having to do adult stuff, then getting rebuked or punished cuz it wasn't up to adult standards.  so unfair!  been there!  it gives a sense of nothing i do is good enough, which can then equal out to 'i'm not good enough'.  a veritable circular slide.

i can see your progress, blueberry, in the ways you're dealing with these various situations.  congrats - i think you're doing a bang up job   .  it's so difficult to have a public bathroom and no caretaker who is responsible for cleaning public space.  again, i'm really sorry you have to put up with this guy.

let's go with concrete, beneficial move - i like what it was telling you.  hang tough - there are options and time.  sending love and a hug filled with both.

[MoonBeam]

Blueberry, I wanted to post to let you know I've been following your journey and think you are so brave and strong to stand up for yourself. And also for acknowledging and acting on the fact that you are worthy of respect, safety and comfort.
I really appreciate how you are able to look at a tough situation and ask yourself, what in this is mine and what does this bring up for me? Really great opportunities for growth and healing. Follow-through is so hard for me. I tend to let things go because I'm afraid or uncomfortable with the necessary steps. You are an inspiration. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Moonbeam 

I've been getting better at follow-through bit by bit. Still, I'm dealing with my neighbour atm and neglecting dealing with my ll. I know I can't tackle everything at once. Also been getting better at believing I'm worthy of respect, safety and comfort. Thanks so much for pointing that out, I often don't realise in so many words what I'm doing for myself.   

_____________________________________________

Actually san, it played out a bit differently in my FOO. I wasn't allowed to defend myself e.g. against B1. That was adult-only terrain, which meant I was reliant on them to act. They often didn't act. When I tried in their place, I was ridiculed, rebuked, punished... FOO somehow expected me to be able to defend myself outside FOO though. Since I was reliant on others in FOO to protect me, I was pretty dependent on them too. That lasted a long time! Right up until Horrendous FOO Event no. 2. I agree though the situation gave me the message you got too: "I'm not good enough." We are though! We're both good enough, as are our actions. 

[Blueberry]

Thank Goodness for OOTS. It got me out of bed today. I felt that there was nothing to get up for. Then I recalled that I needed to do my moderating. I even did a few things off my Highly Recommended list e.g. take my medicine before coming online.

Still it feels like a day where I'll pick up one small object and tidy it away (or bin it) and then the next small object. I feel as if something is maybe coming up. On the cusp. It often feels that way for me, but that's because things are constantly coming up - more feelings or realisations than new memories.

I woke up full of desire to get revenge, though not on FOO, no, people in this building. Needless to say, that wouldn't be particularly useful and I did recognise my feelings as "wet" according to AA and co. At least in my country they say "wet". Maybe it's different in the original English.

The past couple of days I've been missing my parents, or at least the better aspects of them. I had been thinking I "should contact them" but I will leave that till I'm properly in my Adult self.

[sanmagic7]

hey,

i think that here in the states, reverting to unhealthy behaviors/patterns is known as a 'dry drunk' kind of thing.  i haven't heard 'wet' before, but i believe it's a similar concept.  the kind of stuff you'd do when under the influence, even tho you're sober now.  with what's been happening in your building lately, tho, i don't blame you for the thought of revenge.  i've had those thoughts about my ex too many times to count.

i'm glad you were able to find motivation to get up and take your meds.  yeah, that seems pretty important.  i think it's interesting what we can find to be motivating, and how that can have spillover.  love and hugs!   

[Blueberry]

Thanks san, dry drunk behaviour it is. Thanks also for the love and   That's what I need today, I just realised.

[Blueberry]

My T said part of my homework is to note what tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence does for me. If it's bringing up this amount, I'm glad I'm still tapping it through in my non-native language instead of in English.

My T also said to tap it from 1-3 times per day for 2 weeks! He's never been that concrete about homework before. I was flabbergasted, but now it occurs to me that he's maybe showing me that concentrating more on doing my homework isn't the solution. That finding a new trauma T who can see me weekly for more than 20 sessions is.

Since I've been feeling pretty low for a few days and now I even have FOO moving in and out of my dreams, and in addition realisations about them, I probably need to do some real push back of some sort. I had to read back in here to find what my homework even was! Tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence seems as if it might be better with the image of the other mother admonishing her son for punching me on the nose than the stewardess telling my brother he wasn't allowed to do it to me. I could do it with both images though.

Reading back in my Journal has been good. It has reminded me that I can go back to some healthier way of acting any time. Or I can try my homework out again any time.

Last time my T said he had no ulterior motives in suggesting I try my homework everyday for 2 weeks. I believe him.

[Jazzy]

Hope you feel better soon Blueberry. Wishing you some good rest. Take care!

[Blueberry]

Thank you for the good wishes, Jazzy! 

The only beneficial thing so far today was eventually manage to place my blankets in such a way as to keep warm while lying in bed reading and dozing, instead of shivering.

Oh yes, I also attempted some EFT but didn'T manage to pull thru with it. Also tried my homework and didn'T get far with that either.

I'm meant to be going up to the farm though. That will probably be helpful.

[Blueberry]

Maybe it will help me to write everything in the way of doing anything beneficial and moving on with things.

My apartment is both messy and dirty but am having trouble doing anything much to alleviate it. Everything seems just too much rn.

On Thurs I phoned a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. I told her about some of my progress and she said she could hear it in my voice too. Sometimes that backfires though.  As if I'm not meant to make progress.

I feel friendless atm. It's hard to approach friends irl when I'm feeling this bad, and this dirty and this messy.  Somehow I can't motivate myself to shower and hairwash. I can hardly motivate myself to leave the house.

Also I feel friendless because I've been trying to sort some things out with friends. There's one friend I do intend to get back to, but haven't some how managed.   

My T homework doesn't seem to be working that well. Whenever I try, I hardly get through it, then I have memories and dreams full of FOO. I'm even remembering when I had to go onto a closed ward.

Aside from my apartment being messy and dirty, I don't feel that well in it for cptsd-related reasons. I've had this before: not feeling safe somehow. One of my neighbours - the new business - mentioned a few weeks ago that he'd heard me showering.     My shower is above his place of business, but I can't help that. I also sometimes shower in the middle of the day, mostly because it takes me a while to psych myself up. So that's put me off showering.

Inspite of everything, it would probably be good to head to the farm. There's a train in less than 2 hours. It would get me out of the house, out among people. I have to cover my hair for the work I do, so the fact that it's unwashed won't make any difference. Two people have left the farm so they could really do with me. It'll probably help get me back into some sort of healthy rhythm. Also getting my body moving again physically would be good. I have to move a bit to even get there and then my work involves more light physical activity than anything else.

otoh I feel kind of hot and cold. It's probably not a fever. I sometimes just feel that way.

[Blueberry]

Having written this just makes me think of more stuff that has been going on. e.g. something in the news in my parents' country and I thought of how they'd react to it: mocking, downplaying. That triggered me. So no wonder they're in my dreams atm. Even dreams where I'm back in the houses I grew up in.

ICr is having a good time too though, as I ask myself various things and even harangue myself. e.g. if I were more 'normal' and had a partner, I'd maybe stick to a healthier routine, maybe. Then harangue myself for not having one. That's ICr though. Because various mbrs of FOO mocked me for the lack.

I don't think spending another day doing nothing except dozing and reading will be very helpful, so really I should head to the farm. Oh, there's that 'should' again. Maybe I could want to head there??

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, sending you a caring hug.  Maybe instead of "should I. . .?" or even "do I want to. . .? " ask yourself, "What is the healthiest thing for me right now?" or "What would be the most self-caring thing to do?"