Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

Spending a lot of time lying in bed sleeping and dozing. Though I did make it to choir practice yesterday and aim to make it to the actual choir service today. Before that, it would be good to have a bath and wash my hair. I can at my friends' since they are away and I'm looking after their pets. Yesterday I was thinking all day I should just write a letter of condolence to my old landlady and drop it in her letterbox when I go over to feed my friends' pets next door. So "should just" wasn't so easy. Writing just isn't. Even buying a condolence card wasn't easy. I actually have two to write, couldn't decide on two so bought four. Still can't decide. Not that it should matter but... 'should' isn't a useful word.

So now it would be good to give myself permission to go over for a bath and hairwash and maybe give the pets a treat but not have to write the condolence card first. I don't have to at all actually. But I want to.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I was reading what you wrote here, and thinking about how 'should' tends to be such a blockage - I relate to that very much myself.  I think with the 4 condolence cards, maybe access your subconscious mind by getting some playing cards or dice and see what number comes up, and then just deal the condolence cards in that order till the matching number comes up - and then see if your sub-conscious mind or inners/anyone thinks that's the right card for the person you're considering giving it to - or not.  Re-deal the cards or the dice till you feel happier with the result, and then you've got the right card.
(Blueberry, I feel as if I'm not in control completely of having written that - it's as if there's a keen part of myself that wanted to share that with you, so if it's actually not very sensitive of me - I apologise).
to you.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

My ICr aka my parents is/are telling me that I react with disproportionate emotion to somebody dying who I'm not close to. At least now, as opposed to earlier today, I realise it is my ICr.

Glad that you were able to recognize the inner critic talking. I think it is a normal reaction to feel strongly about someone's death, even if you weren't close. It ties in with feelings from other losses. I think that is very normal. And no "shoulds" in grieving, either too little or too much or too soon or too late. Whatever you feel is okay.

Regarding your coloring; where I live "adult coloring" is popular. This summer I sat outside of a restaurant with friends, chatting and coloring. If you lived near me, you could hang out with my friends and me and color with us!

[Three Roses]

... my parents is/are telling me that I react with disproportionate emotion to somebody dying who I'm not close to...

Or is it that your parents under-react? 🤔😉

You've come such a long way. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3R and it's good to see you back
F underreacts, M actually not but she's 'exempt' from rules that apply to me ...

I actually managed to get to the choir service, then do a bit of housework and even garden clean-up followed by bath and hairwash today. I also wrote and delivered the condolence card. Now I'm about to go up to the farm.

[Jazzy]

Whoa!

Great job accomplishing all those things Blueberry! Enjoy your time at the farm.

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone, I'll think of me sitting with you and friends and colouring in I think on the farm if adults want to work with colour, they end up drying flowers for herbal tea or chopping flowers and herbs for cream cheeses or even making a huge colourful salad. Or last night when I arrived, somebody was slicing up mushrooms of various different colours to dry on a rack. You don't sit down and do something as non-useful as colouring in. Though for me it works as a centring mechanism and once I centre and focus I can then start processing a bit while I colour.

I did Screen Processing on me sitting in the garden colouring in, at least a year ago. More or less most of FOO appeared on the Screen. Possibly even my grandparents. So there's definitely something vulnerable out of my past too. Maybe being ridiculed, yup, inner head is nodding. Yeah, well, there often is more than one issue behind something difficult.

Thanks Jazzy, good to read your response because I've just come back from the farm thiking of this whole long list of things I ought to be doing. It's good to remember that I accomplished a lot yesterday so I maybe don't need to dive straight in with 100 things tonight.

No worries, Hope I eventually got on with the condolence card by choosing the most neutral. As often is the case I possibly simply needed time to make a decision , even if other people would make a decision quickly.

Talking about decision-making, I often take quite a while, partially because I read up on topics, weigh pros and cons etc. I wish I'd done that before getting varifocals, when I needed new glasses in the summer. I've already been back to the optician's once to say they're not working to plan. I was told to wait and try a little longer since I have 3 months in which to decide if they're good or not. Well they aren't functioning well for me, not at all. They're getting worse. I can't see properly in the dark, everything's a bit out of focus 95% of the time when I'm cycling although the optician told me that wouldn't be a problem. Well it is a problem. Atm this problem with sight combined with me becoming hard-of-hearing is making me feel - I'm not sure exactly - but certainly not good. Basic tasks like sweeping the floor, washing dishes are harder because I can't see properly. I would say I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and as if I'm in another world and it also reminds me of dissociative states because in some of them I felt as if there was a glass wall between me and the world.

I need to find the receipt so I can take them back and then see whether I get my money refunded or will the optician just give me normal lenses for short-sightedness? That's what I want, but maybe I should try out a different optician. That's something I need to deal with this week.

[sanmagic7]

so many parts and levels to those parts - it's amazing we've survived this mainly intact.  i shake my head in wonder at it all sometimes.  no wonder those 'shoulds' keep coming up - they, alone, seem to have a ton of baggage attached to them.  but, kudos to you for continuing the battle against them .  warrior spirit to the fore.

and, congrats to you for all you accomplished in a very short time.    well done, you!     you are definitely moving forward, and it's lovely to see.  sending love and a hug full of continuing spirit

[Blueberry]

Thanks san for seeing progress in me and commenting on it 

________________________________

Current ll is a bully. Last time he was here - last week with the painter -, he said that if I was going to be difficult, then he (and the painter) would be difficult too. Triggers all sorts of stuff, and beyond that obviously he's not going to do anything for us in the building unless he wants to. Probably other building owners in the street and/or the Town had been hassling him on the appearance of the building, so that's why he got it painted. Next year he's going to get shutters put up on the upper floors at the front - whether we want to use them or not. I could do with them at the back actually where I have really bad windows... But dealing with an inner front door that you now have to lean on to get it to close properly?? Or telling the other tenants in the building they actually have to close the inner front door??  No chance. He was fine with telling me we're not allowed (i.e. I'm not allowed) to lock the outer front door and I've complied.

ll's bullying words trigger quite a few incidents from childhood. I notice I don't even want to write them down atm.

Oh well. Nothing that I can change atm.

[sanmagic7]

bullies suck - sorry you have to go thru this one more time, sweetie.  love and hugs!

[Three Roses]

 

Bullies suck. Sorry you have such a ll. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks san and 3R. It's a real pain, having an ll like him. 

[Hope67]

Your ll sounds very annoying. 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Don't you just hate having to be nice to ugly minded people

[Blueberry]

I avoid 'have to' in my vocabulary I've had no dealings with ll today so that's a plus.

_______________________________

I had therapy today and I felt so tired afterwards I slept all afternoon. My T listed all sorts of progress I made today and have made since starting therapy with him. Progress on creating emotional and physical distance between me and FOO. And progress with going slowly into emotions and dealing with what comes, including going back out again when too much, which was the case today. It was really strenuous today. Now I'm going to choir practice though in spite of that.