Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Tee]

 
So many big steps in personal confidence! You are rocking this blueberry! Keep going.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Tee!

[Blueberry]

Going to the doctor's today was a concrete beneficial step as was deciding to discuss why I didn't go to my appointment last week.


***Trigger Warning ***  Medical trauma

I find I can hardly write now. My brain has gone all fuzzy. I mentioned it last week  - medical trauma revolving round a 'needle', presumably blood draw but I can't remember exactly. My doc was very understanding about it and suggested various ways through which I could lower the threshhold a bit, make it easier to go. Blood draw is usually an early morning thing but it can be done in the evening too and that's better than no blood draw at all.

The last few times I hadn't taken the situation seriously enough and agreed to have it done sitting up instead of lying down as I used to. My doc mentioned that when you're lying down you're more relaxed but when you're sitting up you feel more in control. Could I feel which is better? Lying down still feels better because I turn away and drift off rather than forcing myself through it. So I'm allowing myself to dissociate briefly to get through it. That's OK. I come round again really fast again. When sitting up I don't feel I have much control in the situation. I mean you just have to go through with it, I can't say I'd like a 2 minute break the way I theoretically could at the dentist's. Oh there's that 'have to' as in 'must' or 'should'.

My doc asked if the pain was the problem and without feeling further in I said that that couldn't be it because there's hardly any pain involved. He was thinking about the past though and what it could be like for a little child!! This is my GP, not a trauma specialist, so Wow! Though of course children come to his practice.

I actually felt totally exhausted just before I went to the doctor's and I slept afterwards. Maybe the two are connected?

I wrote about my medical trauma a good while ago on this thread: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=6617.0

I can't write anymore about it now. It's too much.

[Tee]

  proud of you for going.  Hope you can rest now.

[Not Alone]

Proud of you for going back for the blood draw. I know that was really difficult. No wonder you are exhausted. Be soothing and caring to yourself. I'm glad you have that doctor and amazed by his understanding response.   

[MoonBeam]

Wow Blueberry. You are so brave. Really some amazing work. Showing up for you, naming the trauma, allowing yourself to be cared for. And to have someone--a GP, show up for you in that way. That's such a confirmation of where you are at. Calling in that interaction, that level of care, because that is the kind of care you deserve.

I hope you got some rest and are feeling better. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all Tee, notalone and Moonbeam! Your comments are making me feel a little sad, or maybe I'm feeling a little pain again. But that's good because I can feel 'tears behind my eyes' again. Since I have trouble crying as a form of grieving, feeling I'd like too is beneficial in itself. Partially the comments are going a little over my head atm but they will sink in better in time. Just the fact that you care to respond caringly is probably enough in itself.

I mean in the original trauma situation nobody responded caringly, not even M. I was left alone emotionally in an overwhelming situation. I wasn't even allowed to take my teddy bear with me. That I remember most clearly, the nurse telling me to put him down again and to follow her alone into a room, not for the blood draw^FN but for an xray. It was all during the same appointment though. A few years ago I was able to confirm with M that there had been a needle involved. Cognitively I only remembered the minutes preceding the xray with some vague memory about being seated before that and 'something happening' and the area seeming grey rather than lit up. It would have been lit though. Grey is just a memory protection for me. M didn't remember the xray incident (though she didn't deny it; she believed me since nobody in FOO had been involved) but she remembered the blood draw incident.

Today there was no blood draw, I just went for what would have been an appointment to discuss the lab results and anything else about my ongoing emotional healing. My GP didn't even want me to set a new appointment for blood draw until I can say spontaneously "Now's the time", otherwise it seems too much like 'have to'. This is good of course. Now I have time to let things from today settle and evolve. It was really difficult to go back today anyway, just with shame from not going the time before. I helped myself a little though by managing to phone my GP yesterday.

Thank heavens I'm not in contact with FOO atm because that would make everything harder.

^FNI'm pretty sure they were taking blood to do an examination of it back then, rather than giving me an injection. With either I get triggered these days.

[Tee]

I'm so glad your GP is so caring.  You can do this on your time.

[Three Roses]

Standing with you 

[sanmagic7]

doc appts., well, what can i say.  congrats to you that you were able to finally go.     i've had doc experiences when i was younger as well, not fun, not supported, either, so i can totally relate.  you did good.  i don't think you need to carry shame for not going.  part of the process, sweetie.  thanks for sharing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and comfort.

[Blueberry]

Concrete beneficial steps:

8 ) Even singing/voice exercises? since they also involve yawning and stretching AND it's an area outside therapy where doing homework would be beneficial.

I'm taking singing lessons again, just on and off rather than signing up for a year or anything. That involves yawning, stretching and feeling physical sensations and staying in my body.

Yesterday I lowered the hurdle for myself by getting the train both ways instead of combo train and bike. I paid for the luxury of being taken there. 

I looked after myself during the lesson by not allowing myself to get overwhelmed by difficult exercises. At the same time I noticed my frustration tolerance level was higher than I had expected. I also explained why a couple of exercises were especially difficult, so my teacher modified them a bit to make them easier that day and/or explained the intention of the exercise. (Not that she doesn't do that often anyway, but this time I was actively showing I needed those kinds of explanations).

I stayed in bed late today because I needed it, obviously. Still dealing with needle trauma. Half the time I don't even know that's what it was. I just remember there was something this week. I feel sooo tired.

[Tee]

  taking care of Blueberry! Enjoy your day!

[sanmagic7]

 

nicely done, sweetie!     love and 

[sunflower38]

I hope you have a relaxing and calming day! I also have medical trauma, but have no idea how to bring it up to my therapist. Hopefully one day I can. Actively taking the hard steps for yourself is amazing, I really hope you see the progress that you're making

[Blueberry]

One bit of progress today was simply allowing myself to be. Lying in bed under a thin blanket dozing, sometimes reading a book I know pretty well already.

Another memory re-surfaced of a punch on the nose, but this time the mother of the boy who did it told him in no uncertain terms that that was not OK. He was going to get lines when he got home. "Who from?" he asked rather belligerently. "From me." replied his mother simply.

He was in my class at school and his mother was ferrying a car-full of children somewhere, probably on some outing. I was the last to be collected and got to sit in the front seat. He leaned through and punched me on the nose about the time I entered the car. I probably got a nosebleed, I usually did. But what struck me is that his own mother told him that his behaviour was totally out of order. I mentioned the incident when I got home and M downplayed it. His mother chastised him because she was transporting somebody else's child in her car . But Idk the mother seemed quite practised in reacting quickly. She didn't even yell or get particularly loud. She just told him the consequence of his action, in front of his friends who were with him in the backseat.