Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[sanmagic7]

good for you, blueberry.  lying in feels very special to me, too.  sounds like you're making loads of progress.  well done!   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

I recognise the pattern: I suggest to somebody where she could get help. She doesn't, it 'didn't work out'. I'm the only one who can help her. Oh not with one thing, maybe she'll need two in fact.

It's going to be one maximum. And then she has got to find support elsewhere.

[Blueberry]

I'm going slowly atm and it feels different to any previous times. I think there's more self-acceptance in me. I walk slowly, most people overtake me. So what? I'm going with my own flow in a way. Instead of thinking to myself that I'll do x, then y, then z, I do x and then see what impulse I have and it may not be y at all.

I'm also more aware of what extra little thing planned feels like too much and so let that go. No joke, the idea of putting a little letter in an envelope for my godson was too much so I popped it into a parcel I was sending to his mum anyway. I had wanted to send it to him separately, but at what cost to me energy-wise? Too much cost.

[Wattlebird]

Sounds altogether too familiar,  I may not have even sent the parcel, actually I do have something I was meant to send my daughter 3 weeks ago - it's still sitting on the table 

[Blueberry]

I recognise the pattern: I suggest to somebody where she could get help. She doesn't, it 'didn't work out'. I'm the only one who can help her.

I recognise another pattern, from the same person!! "All I wanted to do was help and support you." She didn't actually ask if I needed it. She's only just understood now, today, that I don't want any more bread or baked goods, although I thought that was already clear.

Anyway she has decided it's better not to ask for any help from me. Part of me feels a bit bad because you're always meant to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if nobody would help you with a single, simple thing. She wants to use my washing machine because she's afraid her own might leak. That's not simple for me though, that involves allowing somebody into my apartment and walking all the way through it. I don't feel comfortable with that. I had the idea only recently that that might be an anxiety-based thing. I think Kizzie mentioned anxiety about having workmen about and I thought "Aha!! That's why I get so exhausted when people are in my apartment, even people I know, especially if they are helping me with something".

Generally I feel relief though.

[Blueberry]

Hi Wattlebird,

I'm sorry you have problems along those lines too, but glad I'm not the only one. There are other cards, letters, parcels and even emails waiting to be wrote, packed up, sent. But I was really glad to get this one off! It contains my friend's birthday present 2 months late and her Christmas present. I feel a sort of rush, as if the clogged sticks, branches, logs, debris in a river have given way a bit and the water is flowing again. 

[Not Alone]

That's not simple for me though. . .

Everyone has different comfort levels for different things. With my friends without cPTSD, some are completely at ease having people at their houses and for others it is a big stress. For those of us with cPTSD the things that trigger and and cause anxiety can be a long list.  I think it is good that you recognized the anxiety that you would feel with her using your washer and that you were able to say no.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for understanding notalone

__________
I'm on the forum less often and for shorter spells now that I'm not moderating, but I still notice a kind of tug to come on here. Just now I was going to type a response to Wattlebird's thread, then I realised that I don't have the energy for that. You'd think if I have the energy to type what I'm typing now, then I could write to somebody else but it doesn't work that way.

I remember now way back when I was in inpatient therapy and everybody had to take on simple tasks every week and/or sponsor a new person, I almost collapsed with the effort. I haven't thought about that for a long time but now the memory is there. My T has said before that when I'm not rushing around doing things, then I allow memories and realisations to come to the surface.

[Hope67]

My T has said before that when I'm not rushing around doing things, then I allow memories and realisations to come to the surface.

Hi Blueberry,
This is a big realisation that I relate to - I hope that you are finding your pace to be one that feels ok, and that you are able to cope with the various memories and realisations that are coming to the surface.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope  Yes, it all seems to be happening at a comfortable pace rn
_____________
Today while I was cleaning, I noticed more and more water on the bathroom floor. Surely that couldn't be from the bucket of water I'd just emptied into the toilet? I then saw that the washing machine drainage hosepipe had jumped out of the pipe it drains into. The really good thing is that I didn't panic in any way, I didn't even feel anxiety! I just got going mopping up the water. There were times when just the thought of the remote possibility of something like that happening inevitably led to a feeling of anxiety in my gut.

This kind of incident shows me I'm moving forward

In hindsight, it's good I didn't allow that acquaintance to use my washing machine because I'd far rather this kind of thing happened to me than to somebody else using my machine

[Snowdrop]

Well done. That sounds like progress .

[Blueberry]

Thanks Snowdrop
______________________

It's doing me good to be taking a break from moderating. It's been almost a week now. I think today has been the first day where I've really noticed the difference, e.g. I came straight to Updated Topics and then into my Journal rather than checking Recent Unread Topics. Today also the first day in over a week that I got up before 11 am. At 10 am instead, and without a struggle, so I think that means that I'm beginning to recover from the deep-seated exhaustion, rather than just recovering on the surface and on the verge of collapse again in a couple of weeks.

I also got a lot done today, despite the minor flood in the bathroom. When I switched on my computer a few minutes ago, I suddenly realised that I'm tired, so I'm not going to do the few things I'd been intending to do in my office. Tomorrow's another day, I'll do them then, or even next week. This evening I have the feeling that sometimes when I get stuck on the computer checking news and reading comments (not necessarily on OOTS), it's because I'm tired but I'm covering up the tiredness instead of listening to it. Really useful to notice this.

[Not Alone]

Great job of listening to yourself and to what you need. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone
______________________________

I'm quoting something from Snowdrop on here for myself (Thanks Snowdrop )

"If I feel anything other than calm, curious, compassionate or any of those other qualities that begin with C, it's a sign that I'm probably blended with a part. If I feel scared, for example, I know that I'm not completely my Self. I can ask the scared part to step to one side, ask it what its role is, how it's protecting me, how old it thinks I am etc."

It really strikes me today because I was feeling other things than calm and curious. In fact I had and still have a feeling of nervousness in my gut, I haven't been able to sit still much but also haven't got much done at all. I could have run a fairly simple errand on foot or by bike which might even have calmed the nervous energy down, but I didn't. My SH is also way up and I've had food cravings and been reading uselessly for a few hours on the Internet.

I did try an exercise I've done with my T before but Idk maybe it only works for anger not for fear or maybe I need to practise it in his presence again. Anyway Snowdrop's words tell me my present-day Adult is blended with some younger part and I could ask this part who she is, what her role is and that kind of thing. This is similar to therapy methods that have been done with me in the past and eventually I got overwhelmed. More and more parts came and I lost my Adult self, so maybe it's important to ask the part to step aside (as Snowdrop mentions)? Or maybe (lightbulb!), I ought to have tried Screen Processing earlier today? Maybe that's better for today's state than the newer method, which my T introduced to me after I said Pete Walker's grieving and venting didn't seem to be working for me.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad it helped, Blueberry. I hope you're feeling better today.