Taking those concrete beneficial steps

Blueberry · December 12, 2019, 05:45:56 PM

I'm in one of these down cycles, not even sure why. Maybe ICr because it's the second time in a few months that I've told somebody other than my T, my doc, or OOTS about my progress and then gone spiralling down afterwards. As if my ICr doesn't allow me to mention progress.

I also got an email from an adult student today to whom I teach the local language rather than English. Her email was full of praise and gratitude today because she had an interview today about extending her visa and the interviewers were impressed at her knowledge of the local language after just one year! Usually it takes people 2-3 years to get to her level, she was told. My ICr isn't allowing that praise into me. I just see M, F and B1 in my mind doing mud-slinging and I hear some voice in me saying "That can't be true. No way."

Well, writing that now has enabled me to send her an email response.

sanmagic7 · December 12, 2019, 09:44:31 PM

blueberry, the extent that we struggle w/ anything positive in our lives, whether it be sharing some aspect that's been hidden or getting praise for the good work we do (i have a hard time taking that into me as well, so i can relate) is an acknowledgement, to my mind, of the incredibly powerful and insidious work that was done on and to us from beyond memory.

i'm glad that writing here allowed you to respond via email to your student. it really is a tribute to you as to what great work you are able to do in helping others get to where they want to go. as to ICr and FOO, i say POO! sending love and a hug full of positive. maybe if you keep getting immersed in that, it'll finally be able to sink in. wouldn't that feel lovely!

Blueberry · December 14, 2019, 12:45:16 PM

Thanks san

An immersion in positive - that would be something. But I think something in me has to change so that I start letting the positive in more. I do let some in I think, or in some contexts at least.

_______________________

I received an email from M today that makes me go

even though it's about something in the present.

I've been disappearing off to bed regularly over the past few days instead of doing anything useful, beneficial, constructive.

sanmagic7 · December 14, 2019, 03:13:57 PM

i agree w/ you, blueberry, that something has to change w/in us to let those positives in. i also believe that as we keep getting them, that change can also come organically, at least to some extent. my personal experience, living w/ my d in a place that is so beautiful, lots of nature around, allows me to experience daily some of that immersion for my spirit. while i still continue to work on my stuff, i think that living how and where i live allows the work to go more smoothly, permitting change more quickly/easily than if i had a bunch of outside stressors to battle at the same time. just a thought.

i also think that because of who you are, who i've come to know here, your bed is your safe place, a place to retreat to when you need rest from whatever else is going on in your life. from what i recall of you over the years, you are heading to your bed much less often, and i see that as a change in you. you've struggled so mightily with just being able to get thru a day, doing regular day things for so long, and now you're dealing so much more readily w/ day-to-day obstacles that come your way. the garden stuff, the landlord, your business, clients, the farm - these are all being managed by you differently than even a year ago.

going to bed must mean some kind of overwhelm you've felt, or some kind of respite you've needed. we all cope in ways that might be judged negatively by others, but for us they make sense on some level or we wouldn't do it. so, useful, beneficial, and constructive might be relative concepts. going to bed might be all those things for you on some level. you continue to do what needs to be done when you're able. i hope you give yourself credit for that. i do.

sending love and a hug filled w/ ok-ness.

Blueberry · December 14, 2019, 05:17:40 PM

Thanks san for the large vote of confidence!

And then explaining to me what is probably going on.

sanmagic7 · December 14, 2019, 06:28:08 PM

gee, blueberry, i hope i didn't come off as a know-it-all. i'm just putting my thoughts down as they come, and maybe i'm overstepping at times when i do that. i don't mean to. if i sound obnoxious, please let me know, ok? i really do think you've come a long way and that you're doing things differently than before. much more efficiently, for the most part. i see lots of progress in you. love and hugs

Blueberry · December 14, 2019, 06:51:08 PM

Dear san,

Not at all! I really appreciated your comments! I'm feeling a bit more buoyant already. Really sorry that that wasn't clear in my response.

sanmagic7 · December 14, 2019, 11:15:17 PM

back atcha.

that's part of my own nervousness, sometimes, when i'm writing a response to people. it's not on you. love and hugs, my dear.

Blueberry · December 15, 2019, 12:03:54 PM

There were a number of things on my To Do list yesterday which I didn't/couldn't do. Involving numbers mostly.

But I finally wrote my birthday invitation and emailed to emailable people so that's certainly beneficial and concrete. I now feel a bit less stuck

In an hour or two I'm heading up to the farm for the first time since I got sick there. It'll probably help me reground better and will ultimately help me with those number tasks.

Snowdrop · December 16, 2019, 05:27:46 PM

I hope it goes well at the farm, Blueberry.

Hope67 · December 16, 2019, 05:48:38 PM

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that your visit back to the farm when ok - thinking of you.

Hope

Blueberry · December 17, 2019, 01:58:50 PM

Thank you Hope and Snowdrop. My day at the farm was at least beneficial in getting me back into a bit of action. Cycling there and back was good too, even though it was raining on the way. I actually like cycling when I can be bothered to get out of the house and go and do it, and so long as I'm not in a massive hurry which reminds me how slow I am compared to a decade or more ago.

There is no central heating there in the living and sleeping quarters. It was damp-cold outside and in. For the night I grabbed an additional duvet for my bed but before the midday meal I was reminded how feeling cold tends to make me depressed and pull into myself, more apathetic. It reminded me of parts of my childhood where we had no central heating, or if we did, it was often on low. This probably sounds pretty whiny and like rich nations' problems. In a sense it is. My wish in such times is to curl up with a duvet or two till they're warmed through and then sleep as in hibernate for a day or two.

Where I was working, the room was warm due to the work involved and/or I warmed myself up working, which is typical of there.

Today I didn't get out of bed till way late. I remind myself that that's just the way it is in times like this. This morning I was lying in bed thinking that for all the useful things I'm doing for myself (feels like zero), I might as well have kept moderating because then at least I would have got out of bed. Until I remembered that's the sort of thing I said to myself in the months after I gave my Little Furries back, and that my T disagreed. He was right too. The time and emotional space left in Little Furries' absence gradually led me to more healing. As my T pointed out, they helped me feel instead of filling time caring for others. Not that caring for others is a bad thing necessarily, but allowing myself time to feel more into what's going on is definitely a necessary step forward for me.

Blueberry · December 17, 2019, 02:17:12 PM

The big thing I'm doing atm anyway is writing and distributing invitations for my upcoming birthday. No flashbacks, but there certainly are memories of childhood birthdays. Some good e.g. of games my parents arranged for me and my guests to play, but some not so specially good, like B1 sitting down at the party table and my guests all turning to him and me feeling left out at my own party. Actually that was one of few incidents when M protected me from him by simply signalling him to go, which he did. I think it was more that my friendships felt fairly tenuous anyway and it was hard to feel suddenly the greater pull B1 had on my friends than I had. Also I have memories of other parties where either there was no conversation (young adulthood) or so much I felt left out at my own party because nobody listened to what I wanted to say in all the clamour (childhood).

But now I'm arranging my party the way I want it with games and am going the unusual route of a) suggesting that those who don't like games meet up another time with me and b) there will be no meals and not even cake. It may sound a little blunt, but it's clear and I decided on it this way so that I don't feel bound to celebrate the way most people think is 'normal' but instead can celebrate in a way that I think will be fun and that will not totally exhaust me just organising and coordinating. This is empowering. It means I can leave the "I have to", "I should" behind and find better solutions for myself.

Blueberry · December 19, 2019, 11:30:46 AM

Both more anger and some sadness are coming as I face the reality of what M's 'inability' to remember means.

At least the anger motivated me to wash the dishes and listen to some music while I was about it. Probably time for another Non-Sender letter.

Blueberry · December 21, 2019, 10:12:40 AM

I just started writing a response to Libby, thinking to myself "Come on, you can manage this!" but then I realised I couldn't. I'm not even a Mod atm and there I was still trying to push myself to put somebody else ahead of me. Despite the fact that I'm sickening for something and feel very tired.