Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

birthday, huh?  well, happy birthday to you, whenever it is.  i find it empowering that you are organizing your party the way you want it, and that you're also giving people options.  i like it a lot.  i think it's very creative, too.  well done   it sounds like something i'd really enjoy, so, if i were invited, i'd happily celebrate w/ you!   i'm big on birthdays.

i'm glad for you that you were able to put yourself first, too, especially if you're feeling a bit sick.  sounds like you're making progress.  proud of you, sweetie.  i'm smiling about it right now.  you've come so far.

keep going - looks like a positive direction to me.  sending love and a hug filled w/ attention for yourself.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you feel better soon, and I'd also like to wish you a Very Happy Birthday for when the occasion is - I hope you'll be much better by then, and can enjoy it.  I know you've got some plans, and I really hope they go well.
to you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

i find it empowering that you are organizing your party the way you want it, and that you're also giving people options.  i like it a lot.  i think it's very creative, too.  well done  

Thank you for the validation! It's just helped me feel OK about responding to a guest who wants to bring cake, whereas I wrote in the invitation that there won't be any. Probably she thought bringing cake would be a nice thing to do or helpful or something. Well, I've just explained why I'm saying 'Thanks, but no thanks'. That's not totally easy for me.

For you and Hope and anybody else who might be wondering: my birthday isn't for a few weeks yet, but I wanted to get my invitations about before Xmas. Among other things lots of my friends are often really busy so it's good to let them know a few weeks ahead of time.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I admire your organisation, getting your invites done to your friends in good time.  I remember you mentioned liking playing some games as activities - it sounds like really great fun.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm going up and down like a yo-yo atm, except the highs aren't so high. The changes are very fast though. e.g. this morning phoning the farm to suggest  I could come Mon. or Wed. to do one of my jobs. The farmer said I'm very welcome to come and enjoy the sunny weather even without doing one of my jobs, but do take care of me first. He could hear my voice sounded a little on the sickly side. Bam! Mouth and ear pain returned and have been there all day.

It's NOT the pain of rejection because neither this farmer nor the farm in general rejects me. They take me as I come, I'm very welcome, even if just visiting and not doing any jobs, as he said today. I wondered - am I in denial about my state of health? Kind of like my parents are, but differently too of course. Me in denial about the extent of my exhaustion and the extent to which the latest FOO move has shaken me up.

Or is the pain telling me I should look to comfort and company closer to home than the farm? Or just that the farmer is right - I should take care of me first!! That is easier at home. I still haven't instigated all the home remedies my gp prescribed. e.g. instead of wrapping a poultice around my neck, I've wrapped a completely different one around my feet a few times. Although I actually do sleep well once the poultice is on and my feet do feel better, that particular medical poultice has nothing to do with anything going on in my mouth, ears, throat, immune system. otoh the medicine is something my gp recommended a few years ago for a long-standing problem with my feet and the long-standing problem is getting worse. So, good that I'm doing it but I should be doing the other poultice instead or as well.

Except that should isn't good for me and rarely to never works.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Whatever you decide to do, I agree with you that the pain of your jaw and ear were telling you something, and it sounds like you're not better yet - and I hope that you can do whatever you need to do to recuperate.  Sending you some balm to add to your poultice, if you need it.  Plus a gentle hug. 

I used to have recurrent tonsillitis when I was younger - and it could take a lot to shift it.  Be kind to yourself, if you can, and I hope that wasn't a triggering thing that I just said. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your response, Hope It wasn't triggering at all! I've never come across somebody else with recurrent tonsillitis. I didn't have it when I was young. It started up in adulthood. I had it frequently and badly in the year before I finally succumbed to everything and collapsed, about 20 years ago. I haven't had it this bad for Idk 10 or 15 years.

I decided to follow the young farmer's advice and look after myself this evening. I could have gone to a slide show and talk on something that would have interested me and that I had been looking forward to, but then I decided to stay home instead and listen to a Christmas CD I got from the library and then do some colouring in.

Listening to and singing along with the CD helped increase my feeling of joy and peace. Colouring in brought a few creative impulses e.g. for my upcoming birthday party, but it also helped me focus on myself and feel what are my priorities for the next while. I might even skip most farm work for most of January since there are activities at home which can give me some of what the farm work does. e.g. some work there is rather meditative, at least the way i do it, but as I noticed this evening, colouring in helps me the same way and it's much less strenuous!

I have a lot going on in January too! I noticed with teaching, I'm at my limit. Need to sort out some correspondence and financial stuff from 2019 teaching though. I can't really do my other profession at all atm. Need to get remaining tax documents in or 'order' copies of documents from e.g. the bank. Early January I do want to make it to visit my godson and his family overnight, instead of getting ill again. I was working on my business advertising and want to get back to it. There's my birthday of course too. Then some emails to FOO on practical matters, as well as processing the recent bucket-load they threw at me. Apply for citizenship of my country of residence - not an easy task because I'm not actually eligible due to effects of cptsd, but an exception could be made. So I've finally decided to try for that. Quite enough for January really.

Oh yeah, I'm also trying to clear up a bit in my apartment. Not just throwing out, but putting pictures, newspaper cuttings etc that I have kept into a kind of scrap-book. Then there's just the usual other than teaching: choir practice - which does me good! Fortunately doesn't start up again till mid-january. Cleaning. Sorting out the washing machine. I didn't have a panic attack when it started flooding on the floor, but I haven't managed to put it back into place and set it up again yet either.

[Not Alone]

Sounds like quite a lot to do in January! I'm glad you took care of yourself and found peace and joy in singing and coloring.

[Blueberry]

Just copying something here which san wrote somewhere else:

i've always heard that houses in dreams represent ourselves. 

In Inner Child group T I used to do, there was often an imaginary journey to a house where each person would go, and then go into a room and see an IC, maybe talk to the IC or play or some kind of interaction.

Well, my ICs were always in the grounds round about, often down by the stream. I think I entered the house only once and I was catapulted back out again immediately. I wasn't hurt, but it was clear: the house was a no-no for me.

I once asked the therapist why I couldn't enter the house. I was curious more than anything because I'd always got something out of these imaginary journeys - some interaction with my ICs even if it was us just looking at each other, being out in nature and stocking up on that as a form of resilience, realising my ICs were quite good at looking after themselves in those days. I don't even remember exactly what the T said, but san's comment above reminded me. I think the T had a moment of realisation about the extent of my trauma and the lack of security in my childhood - just the way he looked and the way he breathed and said "Oh!" intimated that.

If I read san's quote to myself, it's as if it wasn't always safe through those years of therapy for my Self to be in me. Or maybe - well, I think of my GP sometimes saying I'd got a little too close to the nuclear reactor, not literally of course. Maybe the house in this case reminded me too much of FOO?, which sure wasn't safe though I didn't realise that back then to the extent I do now. No, actually, there's no inner resonance going on. So I think the house must have represented me or my feelings/emotions/memories. My feelings/emotions/memories are part of me anyway. FOO is not, fortunately.

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone! Undoubtedly I will not do all of that in January but prioritise as I go depending on what's really crucial and on what's doable.

[Blueberry]

I've written that email to M and F. I didn't expect a response by today but I wasn't nervous about opening my email program today anyway. My email was quite long but I stuck pretty much to facts, there was just a bit at the beginning where I expressed surprise at the 'forgetfulness'. I didn't blank out at all while writing it. Huge progress.

[Snowdrop]

That's excellent, Blueberry.

[Not Alone]

Not blanking out and not being afraid when opening your email:  Wow! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Snowdrop and notalone! 

I got a response today. Here we go again: suggestions of things that don't work, things that I have said will not work. Sigh. And I'm supposedly the 'dumb one' in the family. But again I have kind of a laugh on my face while I think of that and write it. That's progress! It means I've managed to create a lot of emotional distance between me and my parents and that I have much healthier Adult parts dealing with their assertions and ideas than I have ever had before in my life.

[Snowdrop]

 

Your progress has made me wonder about your recent tonsillitis. I know that probably sounds a bit random!

From an energy perspective, throat problems can be linked to not being able to speak out, or speak your truth. Also not being able to set boundaries, including emotional ones.

As we heal, past physical symptoms that have been suppressed can sometimes reappear as part of the healing process. They might be reexperienced in order for deeper healing to occur. For there to be a shift.

You've made huge progress in communicating your needs to M and F, which suggests healing. I wonder if it's possible that you're reexperiencing throat symptoms as part of this healing.

Please ignore anything I've said if it doesn't resonate with you. They are just thoughts that occurred to me, and I thought I'd share them in case they're helpful.