Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

That doesn't sound at all random to me Snowdrop! 20 years ago or so I used to get pain inside my mouth and up into my ears for holding something in that FOO wouldn't have allowed me to speak out and also pain after I spoke my truth. In the couple of years before that, I had on and off tonsillitis. So you're probably right that I have been re-experiencing these symptoms as part of the healing.

I didn't know that throat problems could be about not being able to set boundaries, so that's interesting for me to know. It makes sense though because if you can't speak out, it makes it a lot harder to set boundaries!

[sanmagic7]

several decades ago a woman named Louise Hay wrote about how physical dis-ease is connected to emotional issues.  just like snowdrop mentioned, throat/mouth problems are often linked to not being able to speak up for ourselves, which would include boundary issues, right?  just wanted to note that i've heard of the same kind of thing, that physical/emotional connection. 

congrats to you, blueberry, for all the progress you're making.  i remember many times asking someone else to open an email from someone i was afraid would hurt me.  you're doing great!  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

It's interesting. The throat directly relates to not being able to set boundaries with your voice. As you say, if you can't speak out, it's harder to set boundaries. There's also a connection between the sacral chakra and the throat, so throat problems may have a root cause in this area e.g. emotional boundaries.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you a hug  - you've mentioned things that resonate with me, and I wanted to pop by and just say something to you, but now I'm here, I can't find the words - I do think that throat issues and communicating is very relevant, and - sorry, my words are just difficult to come at the moment. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope  
I often feel rather wordless too so I understand. I just appreciate you popping by and saying you were there!

[Blueberry]

The house saga continues... There's either a fridge or freezer been set up in the basement by the one who spreads and spreads in the garden, and in the basement if I let her. So I asked her whose electricity is paying for it. She said the tailor allowed her to install it. I spoke to him about it - they assume it's his electricity but he (supposedly) told her to ask me too. She's paying him money every month to off-set his electricity bill, but I happen to know that there's one electricity counter more in the building than there are apartments/businesses. This is the counter for shared space e.g. the stairwell but I always assumed the basement too. As did everybody else who lived in the building previously, the way they made sure the light was out etc.. There's no proof and the current ll will be clueless. He didn't even look at the complete interior before he bought the building.

I don't want to pay for the running of her fridge?/freezer? via my office and apartment. The costs of the 7th counter are paid by ll and then divided among the tenants, so I'd be paying x 2. Electricity is expensive here!

But at least no sore throat

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I am sorry that there are more house issues. Frustrating and taxing.

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone   On the upside I'm no longer really being triggered by this kind of stuff. It's more: Sigh. Some other thing to deal with. Or let go of.... But being of low income myself, I'm not too keen on just letting go.
________________________

On the plus side, I've finally moved out of sleep-mode and have started doing stuff e.g. cleaning

[Blueberry]

I was on here a long time last night, re-reading old posts of my own, like from 2017-2018. I noticed how far I've come since then, how much stronger I am, how much less likely to be thrown for a huge loop. 

Some new progress going on too. Somehow I couldn't write it last night. It's very new and I feel some shame about the situation I'm progressing out of. But here goes: 
OK, it's difficult. Maybe my view of money and accepting FOO money seems a little entitled. I suppose as FOO's treatment of me and attitude towards me has become clearer to me, so has my attitude towards them become clearer. I know I am different from them - I'm protecting myself from their harmful ways, their clueless comments, their inability or unwillingness to change. But since they don't see anything wrong with their behaviour - apparently - they're obviously not going to see anything the way I do.

Well, anyway, I have got to the point where I realise I will manage somehow even if there is no more money forthcoming from FOO while one or both of my parents are alive and even if I'm disinherited after that. I've been saying for a few years, "FOO won't do this, FOO won't do that" but then they do, so nothing is certain. If they do cut me out of their will, then I certainly won't feel any shame at having got a fair amount of support so far. My sibs don't seem to have any shame on that point though they have professional incomes and so do their spouses, but comparing myself to them isn't necessarily the best because my sibs have both been permitted to individuate and set limits in FOO. Whereas me  - I can only do that in ways that are not approved of and so I get 'punished'. Anyway, I no longer aspire to be like my sibs.

I'm glad I didn't start coming to these conclusions till now because I think they would have swept me of my feet and thrown me for a huge loop if I'd come to them much earlier.

[Not Alone]

I was on here a long time last night, re-reading old posts of my own, like from 2017-2018. I noticed how far I've come since then, how much stronger I am, how much less likely to be thrown for a huge loop. 

That is fantastic. It also encourages me in my own journey.

I'm glad I didn't start coming to these conclusions till now because I think they would have swept me of my feet and thrown me for a huge loop if I'd come to them much earlier.

Glad the timing was right and you are able to process this without being swept away.

[Blueberry]

I really missed this place from Sunday till today. My Internet and phone both went on strike and since I don't have a mobile phone and yesterday was a public holiday I felt so disoriented somehow. I think I was slightly dissociated maybe. I do get EFs often when technical things get too much for me. Today I felt as if I was in a bit of a fog and completely overwhelmed. After the basic unplugging various devices and plugging in again and then finding out from the phone company (by dropping by on their shop) that my phone line was in order and undoubtedly my router was the 'culprit', I was so exhausted I had to sleep for a couple of hours.

Then I got on my bike and went to see which of my friends were home who could maybe help or at least whose phone I could use to make a few urgent phone calls. I managed the latter, including reaching one friend and her IT-minded son who dropped by this evening to get my Internet and phone running again. It mostly is, though voice mail is not.

I know in my case all these problems with technology and my inability (yes, inability) to use a mobile phone is cptsd-related. For the past few days I've been feeling really old, a few decades beyond what I actually am. Well, at least with having my phone and Internet working again, the fog has gone.

[Blueberry]

There's either a fridge or freezer been set up in the basement .....but I happen to know that there's one electricity counter more in the building than there are apartments/businesses. This is the counter for shared space e.g. the stairwell but I always assumed the basement too. ... There's no proof and the current ll will be clueless. He didn't even look at the complete interior before he bought the building.

Actually there is proof - one of my phone helpers this evening showed me how to find it, and so now I know that the basement electricity is one of the shared costs, so my neighbour paying the tailor certainly isn't helping me!! Good to know, but also Sigh! I still have to contact my neighbour about this, set ultimatums about when she must react to my email, turn the fridge off etc. All things which take a lot out of me.    Sometimes she goes away for a couple of weeks and she doesn't tend to respond to messages from me unless I actually speak to her in the building. Otherwise she seems to put her blinkers on and shut everything except her own interests out. I can understand the temptation but that just doesn't always work when you share space with others. Anyway, I realised a good few weeks ago that she certainly has narc tendencies - twisting up my words, accusing me of saying something she actually said etc.

There is tons of really important stuff I'm trying to deal with in January and I so do not need this neighbour's faulty assumptions and ensuing fridge problem too 

[Blueberry]

Actually there is proof - one of my phone helpers this evening showed me how to find it, and so now I know that the basement electricity is one of the shared costs, so my neighbour paying the tailor certainly isn't helping me!! Good to know, but also Sigh! I still have to contact my neighbour about this, set ultimatums about when she must react to my email, turn the fridge off etc. All things which take a lot out of me.    

I wrote her an email and sent it. Possibly I JADED too much. otoh I finally wrote that I am angry about 2 topics to do with that fridge and explained why. 1) that she just installs it w/o asking the others in the building (just 4 people - how hard is that??)  2) that I'm spending time and energy on a problem caused by her but when I need help with any building/garden work, she "doesn't have time" even when she actually caused or helped cause the work.

I'll see if she reacts and if she doesn't, I'll have to involve ll. Sigh! about that too.

[Blueberry]

Wow! She actually did send me an email this evening in response. She even sort of apologised, well at least for part of the issue. She hasn't said she's going to remove the fridge though. I have responded but I'm done with nice give-and-take. She's taken way too much already so I'm not giving in on my concerns to 'keep the peace' or any of that.

I did thank her for a) replying and b) doing it quickly and c) apologising for some of it. But I have more questions about how she proposes to continue and how she proposes to make up for the time I've spent on her issues here and according to her plans will have to continue to spend. Not that I detailed this but: every single little additional whatever can be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so even just checking my bank balances for an additional ingoing payment e.g. being reimbursed by her for my part in paying her power bill. Who knows if it's even the correct amount?  For somebody who herself has no time for other people or their needs or even for what are communal jobs because she is keeping her own stress at bay (according to her mother), it's rather an annoyance that she doesn't see / want to see she's dumping extra work and therefore stress on others e.g. me.

[sanmagic7]

wow, blueberry! 

the last 1/2 year or so i've been so off and on here at the forum (mostly off, i think), but i can tell you, at least from my vantage point that i've seen great progress from you just in the past year, let alone 2 and 3 years ago.  you are doing such a wonderful job of continuing forward, even when you take a bit of a side track now and again.  i just want to applaud you for all you've done, realized, and moved on regarding issues that would have stumped you 18 mos. ago!   

these ongoing problems at your building, with tenants and landlords alike you are managing to deal with so much differently now.  it's a beautiful thing to see.     you are becoming more and more accomplished and determined, daily.  you are amazing!  and now the way you're dealing with the whole foo thing - well, to my mind, the timing was just right.  love and hugs, my dear,