Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Not Alone]

Should is never good for me.

Down with "should!"

So back to self-acceptance.

Yes, You are special, Blueberry.

I know there are other mbrs here doing work on their own with inner parts but I've had so much bad experience with that in the past that I just block at the thought. I have trouble accepting that I'm not as talented as other mbrs with this. I remember a painful sort of realisation as a child that I couldn't help being not as intelligent intellectually as everybody else in my FOO. I'm not even sure if I really am less intelligent than they are, but at the time that's the way they acted. So that's sort of what this feels like again, or what I'm flashing back to I suppose.

I can also fall into comparing myself to others. We each have our own journeys, traumas, relationships, strengths, weaknesses, resources, etc. You are an amazing, encouraging woman and you work really hard at your healing journey. Continue to take the steps that are right for you.

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone

I seem to be back out of my EF again.

I noticed some more progress today. This is the second time in 2 weeks that I have done some voice exercises before going to choir practice. Might not sound like much, but it is, partially because of that 'should' thing, partly because I've known for a few years now that doing so would be helpful but I just never could get down to it beforehand and partly because just the thought of adding an extra 5-minute task to the week puts me on overwhelm alert, with good reason. I can only imagine that for this to suddenly start being possible, well, something must have shifted internally, something must have healed somewhere in me

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3R 
__________________________
I'm so mad at FOO and their messing me around I couldn't sleep last night. I was thinking up letters in my head that I'd like to write to them. The kind of letter that wouldn't help me in any kind of practical way at all, the kind I suggest to others that they don't send, the kind that says and stop doing this Stop messing me around.

Not helpful. So I got up pretty early and have sent one practical missive to the Narents (narc parents) already and have been busy putting numbers into a table for them as a comprehension aid to what kind of financial help I could do with, since they do ask.

So I'll see how far this gets me, if anywhere. Well, it will certainly bring clarity at some point, if nothing else.

[sanmagic7]

best to you, blueberry, in accomplishing what you want by doing what you need to do.  i hate that feeling of being messed with.  ugh!

sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.

[Snowdrop]

I really admire the way in which you deal with your FOO, Blueberry. Turning the sleepless thoughts into something practical.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
That's an apt term 'Narents' and you've accomplished a lot to do those practical missives, which I hope gets you somewhere.  Hopefully clarity as you said. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope and Snowdrop.

____________________
I haven't checked out the Embodiment Conference yet, but I did look up the definition of embodied trauma and read that among other things, it's good to get rid of things that remind you of the trauma, sooner rather than later. That made me suddenly allow myself the concrete idea of selling family silverware that's in my possession. I mean up until now I wouldn't have dared. It's mine, sort of, but then not mine to do with as I wish. If FOO found out, it would be like with my pets. They'd say: "if we had known you were that hard up, we would have given you money for x,y,z." But atm they won't give me any clarity on general finances or inheritance and especially they don't want to let me plan my financial future in any way. 

I don't even use all those silver spoons, they're just taking up space in a drawer!

Generally I feel pretty stuck atm. Having tons to do, not feeling able to move on with it, going back to bed more often than not. Though, I was at the farm yesterday and today I did at least get up to teach and have now received a concrete appointment from somebody where I was waiting. Also I sensibly turned down 2 professional jobs where I knew I couldn't do them, instead of accepting and then struggling.

[Blueberry]

A good friend suggested I try mediation with my parents about inheritance and other financial issues. I've just been reading on OOTF to confirm to myself that it would very likely be not only useless but harmful. My friend assumes that it's neither my fault nor my parents' that we aren't progressing with these discussions.  She imagines we're talking on such different levels that comprehension isn't possible. How do you explain that after years of gaslighting you know that your parents don't want to understand? Rhetorical question. You can't explain.

[Blueberry]

Things have progressed in my mind since the above post but when I want to write them down, I find I can't. A familiar problem. I'll be able to when I'm ready.

I've been watching the Embodied Trauma Conference. I have gained a little more compassion for FOO and a little bit more understanding. All those issues with money? Traumatisation, and not just in my case but also among rich FOO mbrs.

The compassion comes more from realising how much pre-natal and peri-natal trauma was around. Well, actually I knew my maternal GrM experienced a lot but somehow it has become more real to me. I guess also some compassion about the flak she got within the greater family about not getting over various things that happened to her. otoh I have to be careful with compassion, careful not to have compassion for everybody else in FOO and neglect myself. I'm the only one really working on it after all.

I had a really good experience today. I was on the way to meet somebody at 2pm but my bike was having real problems. I could pedal and pedal and pedal and it wouldn't go faster than 14 kilometres an hour, so I stopped and found a woman with a mobile phone willing to make a call for me and I phoned the woman I was meeting up with and said I'd be half an hour late at that rate. So she came and collected me from where I was, which meant she was going to have to drive me back to that spot too. Since that was the case I left a bulky item in her car. Unfortunately her husband went somewhere else with that car and my bulky item. For me the really good experience was that she didn't harangue me or even sigh about me being so inconvenient leaving something in the wrong place, added to the bike malfunctioning too. My M would've been beside herself with rage and haranguing me on my supposed stupidity etc. even though she's, well, my M and not somebody I'm not that close to, who also had to bundle up her little toddler daughter to come and collect me.

Another good experience I'd like to write down before I lose it again: a friend was helping me write a letter explaining what all good I do in my present country of residence despite the fact that I don't earn enough money to qualify for citizenship. I'm trying to get citizenship and sometimes they make exceptions, so that's why I've been writing this list. I felt really energised afterwards, partially Wow! Just look at all that stuff I do as a volunteer, look what local organisations I'm involved in, look at how much I actually do get up and out of the house and do helpful things for other people or society in general! It's really true that I don't just lie around in my cptsd mess. Really noticing this, partially also because my friend was pointing it out to me - as in: yes of course xyz should go in this letter! 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

i get the idea of being careful of compassion for those who hurt us having been hurt themselves.  i used to do it all the time, feel sorry for those who had terrible hardships/abuse when they were kids and grew up to do bad things to others.  i'm seeing it differently now, tho, which is working better for me (don't know if it helps you, and if not, please ignore).  we've been traumatized, our abusers have been traumatized, and onward down the line.  the difference is that some of us have made the choice not to be the same way to others that others have been to us.

we've all had that choice to make, no matter what the abuse.  it's too bad that everyone doesn't decide to be a better person, rise above their abuse, and choose not to perpetuate abuse on others.  but, they all don't.  i admire those people who don't want to continue the cycle of abuse, who go to great lengths, thru great fears, allow their vulnerability and find the courage to walk thru the darkness of shame in order to treat other people decently. 

you are amazing, blueberry - with all you do, what you accomplish, the progress you've made - any country would be better off for you being a citizen.

sorry about the whole FOO thing.  i tend to agree that some people are not capable of hearing what we say because they don't speak the language of truth and recovery.   sending love and a hug filled w/ all things good.

[Blueberry]

Hey san,

your ideas on compassion for those who hurt us do help me! They remind me to be careful. Idk there's something I have been wanting to convey to M - an appreciation that she has done some work on herself and I saw the results of that last time I was with FOO at Horrendous Event no. 2. Obviously it wasn't enough but it was a little glimmer. I'm thinking this is something I might want to convey before either of us pass and that it is combined with intergenerational trauma. GrM suffered big-time medical trauma in infancy at a time when people had no idea. I totally agree on: some of us make a choice to not be the same to others as our abusers were to us!!

"i admire those people who don't want to continue the cycle of abuse, who go to great lengths, thru great fears, allow their vulnerability and find the courage to walk thru the darkness of shame in order to treat other people decently."

Thank you san for those words   You are describing yourself, me and everbody else on this forum

[Blueberry]

This is progress I've undoubtedly been through before but want to write it down again. Doing so will help stop that old ICr.

Due to a severe storm warning for this evening till Monday afternoon and due to feeling as if I've got way too much to deal with by Monday anyway, I cancelled my farm work tomorrow. Now due also to the storm warning, our choir service is cancelled this evening. So I thought "Hey, in that case, I could go up to the farm after all! I would have time to get there before the storm. They probably could do with me tomorrow!" But then I felt - and still feel - something like anxiety in my guts and stress of course too so I've decided to stay home. They will manage without me at the farm and it's good to be on the safe side of falling trees, high winds, and even cancelled buses etc. for my trip to and from the farm.

[Snowdrop]

You've definitely made the right decision. We probably had the same storm here today, and it's been a bit fierce.

Stay safe .

[Not Alone]

Yes, wise decision. Glad you are staying safe and warm Blueberry.