Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Hope67]

In between drinking warm drinks, looking after myself, sleeping and just lying there resting, I'm spending more time reading "The Tao of Fully Feeling", even bits I've read before that maybe didn't mean so much at the time, but now I'm underlining away in pencil. At least this way I can see that I am making progress emotionally.

for your self-care, and it's great that you're making progress emotionally too.  Sending you a gentle hug, and hoping you are gradually feeling better over time 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

sorry about being imprecise w/ my wording.  a more better (chuckle) phrase would have been 'imbalance of power'.  while there is always an imbalance of power between an authority figure and someone else, such as a child and a parent, when there are more than one authority figures (such as how B1 was elevated to that status by your M) the scales are tipped even more against the child.  add an enF to the mix and everything gets even more complex - the child has an even more difficult time navigating such waters. 

not only are there 2 abusive people, the one whose job it also was to protect the child sits back and allows the abuse to happen.  if this went on into your teens, all those inner youngsters were being beaten down, physically, mentally, and emotionally, from many different angles in many different ways.  since children are more trusting to begin with, i can see how your IC might respond to your words of protection in  a more positive manner.

from working with adol. girls, i know that teens respond well to consistency and boundaries.  with the work you've been doing, blueberry, and the progress you've made, your inner teen is noting all this.  it just may take more time for her to trust, so please be patient, both with her and yourself.  you are definitely getting there, have been showing her how you're taking care of situations much differently than you have in the past, and that's the kind of thing that is building trust for her.  i have no doubt she'll come around. 

so, yeah, imbalance of power.  that's what's messed with all of us.  love and hugs, blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thanks so much san, that's really helpful, has given me some ideas and things to think on.

[Blueberry]

Quite a lot of realisations going on in me but I find I'm too tired/sick to write them down. Hope I remember them, or they come back. Anyway off to  again

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Hope you slept well, and sending you good wishes to recover and feel better soon.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i've found sleep to be my best medicine.  keep feeling better, please and thank you!  love and hugs, blueberry

[Blueberry]

NTS to maybe read the posts from Hope and san again sometime and respond
__________________________

The coronavirus situation is affecting me in good ways. It's really strange. It's as if now that everybody's lives are full of uncertainties and it's not just me who's not functioning normally but rather the whole country, the whole world has gone sideways, I have more energy and more motivation to do things. I'm flabbergasted at this change.

I've started eating better / healthier e.g. more veg. I'm looking more what is in my cupboards and what can I make use of. Not just food, but I have e.g. candles and I lit one today, for the first time in about a year. Why not? Brightens the place up a bit and warms it too. But it's really that I have an inner urge to do this and other things like that for which I haven't taken the time and/or felt the inclination for ages. I crave less junk food. It reminds me of the time when I developed food allergies and due to trace amounts etc. couldn't eat any chocolate whatsoever, not to mention the things I'm allergic to of course. So I just stopped eating chocolate overnight and that was it. That's years ago now. Eventually my allergies got steadily better. It's a question of how stable I am. I no longer react to trace amounts. So I can eat chocolate again, more's the pity for my figure.

Idk how long these changes will last. I'm not ruling out EFs and other steps backwards, otoh it's really cool for me to notice how much energy to do things is bubbling up in me. It's necessary for me to put the brakes on sometimes e.g. when I notice I'm making a whole bunch of language mistakes - that means I need a break. Or when I start reading comments on some website, then I'm taking a break w/o planning it.

Another impulse I've had in the past 2 days is to acquire some Little Furries again - guinea pigs. I'm likely to be doing self-isolation for 3-4 months and although I do have a phone for human contact (and email), it would probably do me a lot of good to have pets around to look after and watch and talk to. I need to think further on that though. Guineas can live up to 9, even 10 years, though 6-8 is more usual, so it's kind of a medium-term project. They also cost money for upkeep and especially if you have to take them to the vet's - or ask somebody else to do so. My income is likely to drop substantially so the idea is slightly irrational. I'll continue thinking on it.

Another impulse, which I've already put in motion, is thinking I just don't care if FOO happened to find this site and put 2 and 2 together and realise who I am. I've mentioned the guineas which I usually keep quiet about, on another thread I wrote a reference to where I live, whereas I've kept that under wraps up till now.

[Blueberry]

Today has been a bit more difficult, but nothing like as difficult as a difficult day pre-COVID-19. I did get quite a few things done today, business and private. But I've been very sleepy too. I felt almost too exhausted to make my supper, tho having got up late it was only my second meal and relatively early. I did push through with it in stages - first using ingredients I didn't have to cook to take the edge off my hunger, then washing the dishes, especially saucepans, then cooking.

I sat down and thought concretely aabout what could be causing the exhaustion - 3 different possibilities and it could be all of them. For two of them I could use EFT to help, but I went and had a nap instead. Often the thought of EFT exhausts me as well, though that's possibly one of those Protector parts people have been writing about. Well, when I'm ready I'll do the EFT I guess.

When I came back on my computer and checked my email just before coming here, I was heartened to have received 3 emails: one is from the Town who is in the middle of setting up a website for local businesses to register on, detailing their products and services and how they can be reached during this state of semi-lockdown. I wasn't sure for a complicated but semi-legitimate reason if my business would get included, but the email stated that my entry has been approved The fact that it has gave me a little burst of energy again, more impetus to keep going. Two other small businesses I approached, who are both doing necessary work for me atm, have responded and things can go ahead as planned. So that gave me a spurt of energy too.

So far my students are not responding much to my offer of phone/email lessons, but that gives me time to set up things up better, especially my out-of-date computer equipment, e.g. making video-conferencing or something like that possible. Atm my set-up isn't up-to-date enough to handle my therapy appointment or Skype lessons. One student has definitely turned down for the duration of semi-lockdown, but otoh I'm already working with one. It's 'different', something to get used to. That could be one additional reason why I'm tired.

[Blueberry]

Just had a really good T session by phone Easier for me and my T than for some undoubtedly because as he said we've been working together for a long time.

[sanmagic7]

 

as far as i'm concerned, if this illness brings about anything at all that's positive, i'm glad you're able to take advantage of it!

love and hugs, my dear.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
That is great that you've had a really good T session by phone.   
Sending you a hug, and hope you're ok.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both, san and Hope and  to you too.

_________________
I had on my list for today to feel into what I needed after therapy, i.e. don't just dive into something or other. So after writing some things down and then sitting in the kitchen in the sun drinking my tea, I knew what I needed:  So that's what I did.

While writing things down I also continued with the breathing exercise I had been doing in the T session, which helped me recall the T session itself better so I could write more down. That's all in my paper Journal. I have the breathing exercise for homework, so I've already practised once now too

My T agrees that the dream I had about FOO (I wrote it on the CSA board) is a huge step forward. It means that we'll be able to start working on the CSA itself via Screen Processing, but that we should wait till I'm able to go back to his office for that. Certainly not possible just by phone, but also not ideal Skype or similar either. My T explained that up until now, working on the CSA wouldn't have worked because I would just dissociate. It could be that others on here worked on their trauma inspite of massively dissociating, but I've been there, done that with disastrous results too often now in therapy, so my T is very careful in those kinds of ways with me.

At the end of the session I talked briefly about the FOO emails I have received since the coronavirus turned everything a bit crazy. I realised quite a lot of things most of which I can't write down yet, but one thing: those emails are         FOO is knowingly or not trying to me back in.  I'm not falling for that anymore.

[sanmagic7]

well done on the insights and realizations, blueberry!

i've been doing phone sessions w/ my t for several weeks now.  we'd just begun getting into the emdr phase when this virus hit and i decided to isolate myself, not go into the office.  lately, the office has closed, so it was a good decision.  it does make some of the processing more difficult, for sure, but it's still at least stabilizing for me, so that's a good thing.  i hope you're getting some positivity at least in being able to stay in touch with your t by phone.

i think it's great that you had a breakthrough dream.  i've had several of those over the years, and it really has made processing the issues behind them easier to focus on.   keep going, my dear - you're truly making a lot of progress.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Glad your phone session went well.
Good job not being sucked in by FOO.
You're doing a good job of knowing what you need and doing the best that you can to take care of yourself.

[Blueberry]

Thanks so much for your validations, san and notalone!