Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

My activities haven't been too beneficial in the past few days, not since Saturday. I picked myself up again today, a bit at least, but I'm still running away from potentially beneficial activities  especially running away from doing my T homework. I have T again by phone in less than 48 hrs. My T will ask me to feel into why I've been running away. I'm running away from feeling into any of that too.

[marta1234]

Hi blueberry, just wanted to hop on and tell you that you are strong and your progress with your therapist is a lot. Sending you lots of good energy to help you.
I feel like many people are running away from things, because of the changes that take place everyday. I know I have been struggling a lot, and feel very helpless when faced with inner work or managing my symptoms these days.

[Blueberry]

Thank you marta for your kind words.

[Blueberry]

But it is writing down 1-5 things that either made me joyful or grateful during the day. It forces me to think about the more positive sides of the day.
And on particularly difficult days it can just be that I have X in my life. Or that I have running water in my tap that I can drink.

Exactly.

I have had a similar book to Blueberry that has helped me out from depressions and dark places. I just never stick with it for long enough for it to be a daily practice all year round

There was one year where I did it regularly enough for the greater part of the year for me to be able to reach for this healing tool again whenever I needed it. These days I might write an instance of joy or gratitude on here but idk I can't seem to continue with it. Though I do do things that bring me joy, some of the time. Since I do know what those things are, I suppose I can reach for some of them more easily than before I ever wrote my Little Book of Daily Joys.

I also think that any time spent on these more positive activities/thoughts is a helpful recovery tool, even if it's not daily or anything.

[Blueberry]

Actually my T didn't ask me to feel into why I've been running away, he asked instead what happened immediately before I had the urge to eat on Saturday. I did have the urge to eat and I knew at the time that I had a choice: I could eat or I could feel into what was going on. I chose the former and things went downhill after that.

So what happened before I had the urge to eat? One person from the farm turned down my offer of help, due to technical problems in the shape of only one phone. The problem "Nobody needs me. My skills are not needed." My T talked me through a slightly different method of EFT on the phone. It's a bit more complex than the one I learnt first. It cleared up most of the physical problems I had felt and even brought the benefit of me feeling taller too.

About my not having done any EFT the previous week, though I know I could have, he merely said that sometimes you need an impulse from somebody else to take the next step. He's said before he doesn't think it's helpful for me to self-harangue.

Somebody asked me yesterday if I was OK and I said I was, but actually I'm not. The first week or so of social distancing was good. Now it's depression with a capital D and self-care down round about zero.

In fact 2 people have turned down language-learning by phone, though the one from the farm has shown definite interest again. The other one has paid and is not even demanding her money back, she's just not coming to lessons now or maybe ever. I should be pleased about the money but 'should' isn't helpful. I realise it's not the money that's so important (tho again it really 'should' be), it's the in-person contact with the people I teach one-on-one and the impulse teaching them gives me to get up, make myself presentable and be there for them. Now I creep about with my hair unwashed, go back to bed and read and then fall asleep. I know I could have done more EFT today, but I didn't.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

what's going on right now is wreaking havoc with everyone, especially those of us w/ underlying issues.  being social animals, it's really difficult to cut ourselves out of that and feel good about it.

i agree with your t about sometimes we need a gentle push from someone else, whether it's a perspective, perception, a word, a gesture - whatever.  it may be something we've seen or heard a million times, but at that particular moment it can resonate like it never has before.  please, be gentle with yourself.  just get thru today, and know you're doing your best.

hang tough, ok?   we're getting thru this together, as trite as that might sound.  it isn't easy, for sure.  sorry about your clients not showing up.  this is a nightmare.  love and hugs 

[Blueberry]

Thanks san, for your words of comfort. 
______________________________________________

I think I'm just going to have a rant, probably at myself. I have all sorts of crazy ideas atm. Of course you can read that European countries are short of fruit and veg pickers, or soon will be. Actually my country is going to bring in some from Eastern European countries after all. Nevertheless I - who can't work fast at all, am in semi-self-isolation because I get sick really easily - think: "I should volunteer!" and "I want to volunteer!" Yup instead of doing my T homework such as rounds of EFT to counteract this 'need' to feel useful, 'need' to not feel like a burden on society. Oh and in my area of the country we're just getting over the winter, they're won't be anything to pick yet. "There" - took me about 5 minutes to find the mistake, though if a student had written it, I would have seen it.

I don't think there's a single solitary area of my apartment or office which is tidy. Now I know I managed to keep my office tidy because students and other possible clients came into it. Now next to nobody comes, except my computer guy this morning, so it looks like a disaster zone.

Atm I'm once again incapable of doing anything in any kind of orderly way, so I'm in severe need of doing some grounding. Do I? No, I go back to bed and read and doze.

For a long time, I was totally incapable of doing anything in any kind of orderly way. But suddenly after some stint of inpatient T, I got better at it. Suddenly. No practice involved. Anyway, you have to be able to work in an orderly way to pick fruit and veg. You can't skip around from one row or bush to another. btw, it helps for teaching too. I'm beginning to catch myself wondering "What is the point in teaching my students?" It's easier with the exam students, but all the adults - it's like but I think I'm just projecting that onto them.

Yesterday I allowed something bad to happen, something unhygienic. My alterations tailor neighbour was busily attempting to make little cloth face masks that people can wear around town. Somehow I allowed him to put one on me to try for size. The problem was: he wasn't wearing any gloves, he hadn't washed his hands or anything. He just put his fingers into it to press the centre outwards. I feel totally dissociated now, I have no idea how I allowed that to happen w/o objecting about lack of hygiene. Instead I put the cloth mask on? Or was it put on me? (I can't remember) and didn't breathe again till I removed it myself. Then I remembered another child at school when I was fairly small prodding my ham and saying "Yuck! What is that?!?" and then I didn't eat it. I took it back home again and M tried to convince me that there was nothing wrong with it, but I couldn't eat it, I just couldn't. M. was rather perplexed but didn't pursue the issue.

In the ham case, it happened so unexpectedly and so fast, i couldn't stop it. But with the face mask? There would have been time to stop it, there would have been time to say 'No'. But I didn't. The only beneficial step I can see here is that I wrote it down.

[sanmagic7]

  and a warm virtual embrace, just gathering you in till you get your feet back on the ground.   much love to you, too.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san 

[Hope67]

Sending you a hug Blueberry 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I wish I could cover you with my weighted blanket to help bring some calm to you. Would it help to take deep breaths? I am taking five with you right now:
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone and everybody else. I made myself go out for a cycle. Then I went into the garden for a little. There are new neighbours from the next door house - we share a garden. They want to do a lot of clean-up, which is certainly a very good idea, and sow some grass again. But I have to practise letting go too, letting go all those flowers dotted about here and there in the remains of the lawn. Maybe I should even allow them to re-do my bit of 'lawn' because it's pretty tattered and full of moss? Or borrow their tools to do it myself? Because then the whole place would look uniformly green

Of course when you cycle, you breathe automatically

I'm lucky, I have somebody checking up on me by phone, persuading me to go outside and that I need to be outside in the spring sunshine and fresh air to come through this covid semi-lockdown in one piece.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you have someone checking in with you, too.  wonderful.  love and hugs

[Sceal]

Letting go can be a really difficult thing to do. Perhaps letting go of your flowers and cleaning up your garden will be a good practice for letting go of harder things later?  Maybe you'll find new flowers popping up once things are cleared and the soil been worked through?

Good to hear that you've enjoyed your bikeride and that you manage to go outside.

[Blueberry]

Today I managed to get up earlyish by my standards even though I felt and I had a helpful telephone appt with my GP. He's not giving up his medical practice after all, so for that I'm really grateful On top of everything else, I don't have to look for a new one, in a region where tons of older docs are retiring and not enough younger ones are setting up.

Now I just feel   The garden is kind of a contentious issue. Unfortunately the ll don't help. The ll in next door house told me when they were selling our house that next to nobody in that house would want to use the garden anyway. They helpfully put the garden into the rental agreements though and told their new business owner next to nobody uses the garden and so she could take her knitting groups into the garden. Obviously we need a group discussion but the idea of that totally triggers me because I go back to FOO discussions where I always came off worst and even over the last years to do with the garden where I'm the only one and I really mean the only one who has ever been pressured to move bits of bed around. Time somebody else did!!

But undoubtedly it's to do with my lack of assertiveness that this happens rather than because I need to let go more. In my head I'm practising letting things go that grow in the 'lawn' rather than in my beds. Anyway I'm just ranting again, it's difficult to understand if you don't know our garden set-up and property boundaries and stuff.