Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Three Roses]

There's a period before you start attracting healthier people...

Here's to the new, healthy people who are waiting for you in the wings! 🥂

[Blueberry]

Today felt more like going backwards. But even backward steps will have their benefits. I lay in or on my bed most of the day. I didn't even take the Little Furries into the garden. It felt more as if I was hiding in bed - hiding from everybody else in the building. Wednesday the house painters are supposedly coming back to finish up their work outside my office. I'm dreading that too because they already been JADEing. Anyway I'll see how it goes.

I haven't tapped my sentence thru either. Hiding from that as well. It's not so surprising since memories of FOO kept coming up. I maybe haven't been grounding myself properly before doing eFT. Or I should have done an additional round or 2 during therapy because that might have brought the hobgoblins up and we could have dealt with them then and there. I'm also remembering tons of previous therapy, when  previous Ts, especially a particular one, refused to help me further with this kind of work in the therapy hour. They, and particularly she, said things like I had to deal myself and I wasn't to get dependent on them etc. My current T doesn't though.

Apart from feeding the furries, the only useful thing I felt I did was eventually remember taht I should eat and did so. Though no so healthily. Tomorrow is another day to start afresh. Or even tonight.

[sanmagic7]

if i may disagree with you just a bit, blueberry.  i think those realizations were useful for you, and you might not have been able to come to them if you hadn't had the time for them to bubble up for you.  just my opinion, but i tend to see down time as productive in its own right.  love and hugs.   

[Blueberry]

Oh, you're right about that San! 

[Blueberry]

It's a relief to read your words again, San. Written only yesterday, not 3-4 days ago the way it seems.

I feel as if I'm floundering in the fog again.

I know my homework from therapy to reinforce a protective memory of long ago. Instead of that I'm succumbing to the thoughts of time gone by that FOO is probably right after all and I am slumping.

As I wrote the above I can feel more will and a tiny flicker of determination to come back out of the slump. As if writing takes the power away from the thoughts.

[sanmagic7]

i know that writing has been able to do that for me many times.  i'm glad you wrote.  you are not your foo, poo on foo, they were wrong, and my heart is heavy knowing they laid that on you.  it doesn't belong w/ you, but with them.  love and hugs, blueberry.   

[Three Roses]

poo on foo

💩💩💩

You are not what others say you are. You are not what your family thinks of you. You are not anything that anyone, no matter who, says you are - whether positive or negative.

Others do not define us. We get to do that. We get to say who we are, what we are, how we are.

We can reject any opinion anyone gives us as invalid, incomplete, inaccurate.

That being said - I'll repeat that I think you are strong, capable, intelligent, compassionate, fierce, honest, and that you possess great self-awareness, insight and humor.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san and 3R for your reminders.

Good things today: I noticed another wild flower (of those seeds I sowed earlier in the year) is blooming.
I finished re-reading Lord of the Rings and decided my job is like Sam's: go back to living on this earth even if that simply involves weeding the garden. That instead of slipping back into dark places.
I went on a demonstration and when people were called up to help with this or that, I did! That got the ball rolling so that other people stood up and took over.

But I'm still floundering mostly.

[Jazzy]

But I'm still floundering mostly.

At least you're keeping your head mostly above water still! You are still doing great, like getting the ball rolling at your demonstration... that takes a lot! Feel better soon Blueberry, take care!

[Not Alone]

I finished re-reading Lord of the Rings and decided my job is like Sam's: go back to living on this earth even if that simply involves weeding the garden. That instead of slipping back into dark places.

Blueberry, I love this. I have felt more like Frodo; who after being so close to evil, could no longer live in the Shire. Sam was affected by the evil too, but he did go back to living. So, how do I live my life? Not like the evil didn't exist. But I can still choose to live, and find beauty where I can.

[Anjulie]

I hear you. I wish you solid ground. 

[Blueberry]

Blueberry, I love this. I have felt more like Frodo; who after being so close to evil, could no longer live in the Shire. Sam was affected by the evil too, but he did go back to living. So, how do I live my life? Not like the evil didn't exist. But I can still choose to live, and find beauty where I can.

Oh, I feel mostly more like Frodo but at the end of the trilogy I felt that those were wise words towards Sam.

[sanmagic7]

here's hoping the floundering is short-lived and you find your feet solidly under you again.  good for you, tho, that you're continuing to do things that are outreaching.  i've found that to help keep me in a pos. perspective.  love and hugs, sweetie.   

[Blueberry]

Well, I was in the garden this evening, clearing an area that used to be mine and which I've taken back. I'm not sure what I'm going to plant or sow there. I'd like wild roses in the garden of the hot pink variety instead of whiteish-pale pink. We used to have more roses but bit by bit people removed them to make space for other stuff. Or maybe I will plant more berries. Anyway it's not something I have to decide now.

I also took the Little Furries into the garden.

Yesterday I paid my rent minus the deductions for August and September which I promised my landlord I would deduct if he didn't get on to the painters about finishing their job. The money is a drop in the bucket for him so I don't suppose it'll actually change anything. The painters were meant to come this Wed. but they didn't. As a friend pointed out, they've undoubtedly been paid already so there's no leverage to bring them back. I should have moved faster with the ll, she said. Thanks to cptsd that is actually really hard I countered. I have to gear myself up for it for days. And anyway I asked the painters on what seemed their final day when these last little jobs for me were going to be done. They said they were going to be done by another company. How was I to know they were lying?

Anyway, generally there is some forward motion in me. Now I remember what got me going again this evening, with gardening etc.: a FOO nightmare.

Tomorrow I will go up to the farm for a day or two. Whatever is going on in the world or the building I live in or whereever, the cows need to be milked and their milk needs to be processed. I help with the latter. Dishes need to be washed and when I do so there, I'm more likely to do so at home too.

A large piece of self-care this evening would involve having a nice cool shower or maybe even a bath (at a friend's).

[Tee]

What are little furries?  Just curious.  I hope you have a good day on the farm. And plant something that brings you Joy in your space in the garden.  Have a good evening.