Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

Thanks san! Seeing your response helps me since I'm still feeling listless and can't be bothered doing any of the things I 'should' or planned to do. I even planned to write a few emails but now that I'm on the computer I can't be bothered with any of that.

Maybe I'm feeling listless because memories of interactions with FOO are flitting about. Inner head is nodding. Memories of Horrendous Experience 2. Me questioning myself: maybe I misunderstood ICr. can just pipe down, right san? I didn't misunderstand.

So I'm taking a break while some things re-sort. My T said part of my homework is to note what tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence does for me. If it's bringing up this amount, I'm glad I'm still tapping it through in my non-native language instead of in English.

Thank you Hope too.  Hugs from you are always safe, and welcome. Well, we support each other on here and we inspire each other too - to keep going among other things. 

[sanmagic7]

a question:  you mentioned you're tapping in your non-native language instead of english.  i take it that you are proficient in more than 2 languages (quite an accomplishment, really).  but, my question is, does the language you use when tapping make a difference?  i'm curious cuz i've only ever tapped in eng., altho i could really do it in spanish as well. 

and, absolutely pipe down, ICr!  you didn't misunderstand!  the self-doubt that has been injected into us is a poison that has distorted our minds just like any harmful drug can do.  i think this is something that your mindfulness can be beneficial in combatting.  it makes you think in the now, like realizing it's your ICr speaking rather than a truth about yourself knowing.  hope that makes sense.

anyway, keep up the good work, blueberry.  i think you're doing wonderfully well!  love and hugs! .

[Anjulie]

Dear blueberry, I'm glad I just stop by in your journal. I didn't read all of it, but I understood that it is time for you to move on to a new therapist because your current one can only offer you one appointment every six weeks. I hope understood correctly.
I wish you well with your search, whenever you decide to begin.  all the best with that!
I agree with the others that you are an inspiration. Although it is so much work for you and you are dealing with many problems in different areas, you always come up with new ideas and you pursue them as far is good for you. Thank you. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you, thank you, san and Anjulie. Your posts put huge      on my face.

Yes, san, I'm proficient in 2 languages. I don't live in an English-speaking country anymore, I haven't for a long time now.

Using my non-native language in therapy provides me with a little bit of a barrier, a protection if you like. The words don't go quite so deep, though they can go pretty deep. The parts of us that are ICs grow and learn too. Most of mine now understand my non-native language without me having to translate for them, though as a child and teen I didn't speak the second language.

The sentence my T gave me to tap through is in the local language, not English, and I haven't quite got an equivalent for it yet. That doesn't have anything to do with proficiency of language. The appropriate tapping sentence in English will come when it's the right time.

[Blueberry]

I intend to write a few of my readers a pm; at least one of you knows who you are. But I can't manage it atm.

I might not be on at all for the next 48 hours, or I might be doing a bit of moderating only. So bear with me, I will write 'sometime'.

[Three Roses]

Thinking of you ❤️

[Tee]

 

[Anjulie]

Me, too

[Blueberry]

Thanks 

I was meant to go up to the farm last night or this early morning, but I never made it. When I paused for long enough to feel, I realised I was a bit unwell - earache, throatache. So good that I was mindful about that. I just have general body ache now, the way you might with flu. I don't seem to have a fever though.

When I plan to do more at the farm than I normally do, I tend to get sick.

Part of the problem is that I haven't done enough fun things this summer. I had a number in my head after the retreat, but I never did them. Part of me is happy in the garden, puttering around. But other parts of me obviously aren't. I live in an area where people come to spend their holidays. A 30-minute train ride would get me to a nice hiking spot I've been thinking about doing for ages. An easy hike, well-signposted (I have problems with orientation), and with signs about the local history.

There are also a couple of outdoor places I'd like to go to again where the emphasis is on tactile - for feet, hands, and other senses too. They're good places to play, even as an adult.

It would definitely be a good idea to stock up more on these types of experiences before the school year restarts in a couple of weeks. I can and do take breaks during the school year, but it would definitely be better if gave myself different activities now.

[Snowdrop]

Good catch for feeling that you were a bit unwell. I hope you feel better soon. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you!

I have taken a few other steps.

My T suggested my overall body itch might not be psychological. It might simply be that my skin is too dry. How am I on skin care? Um, not good.

So since at least yesterday  I've been working more on rubbing skin lotion where the itches are and it seems to be helping. The lotion is cooling at least, but it's moisturising too. I can do it easily while lying in bed   I also tend to do it more when I've slowed down and am not feeling as if I 'should' be getting all sorts of stuff done.  So this is self-care, even if not on my original list at the top of this Journal.

Yesterday I finally wrote an email to a couple of people, stating that I am no longer involved in organising a monthly activity since it is too frustrating to hear how important it is to people but then those same people find something more important to do, and I feel like I'm left holding the baby. Not that the people I wrote to are guilty - they said 2 months ago they'd be on holiday end of July. Not being around because of holiday and work is one thing. Not being around because you found a cause that takes precedence on that evening is not OK for me, if I'm the one left with everything hanging on me. 

Things tend to hang on me, or I allow them to. Whichever. So this is a case where I'm giving push-back. No.  I'm thinking back to the LETS group where other mbrs were glad for me to work at improving things but not if it involved them getting on my side. Thinking back to all sorts at FOO too. Thinking of how my landlords manage to make use of me to deal with problems in the building but leave me in the lurch when I need help e.g. with managing other people in the building (the tenant who believes it's OK to leave the front door half open all day) or with getting the exterior painters to finish their job.

[Snowdrop]

I'm impressed with all the ways in which you're making decisions and taking action. I'm delighted for you, and it's so inspiring to read. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Snowdrop! It is hard for me to take your words in, but I'm working on it. Being seen as inspirational is a new one for me. (Btw I love snowdrops)

My T said part of my homework is to note what tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence does for me. If it's bringing up this amount, I'm glad I'm still tapping it through in my non-native language instead of in English.

My T also said to tap it from 1-3 times per day for 2 weeks! He's never been that concrete about homework before. I was flabbergasted, but now it occurs to me that he's maybe showing me that concentrating more on doing my homework isn't the solution. That finding a new trauma T who can see me weekly for more than 20 sessions is. My T said that even if he were to apply for more therapy with him, the evaluator/consultant/expert who'd be consulted by the medical insurance co. would feel 'not taken seriously' if my T stated I only need 20 sessions, because it's plainly not true. The evaluator (or whatever you'd say) would be less likely to approve the therapy in that case.

Tbh I'm frightened of moving to a new T. My present one is just too good to be true, I'm thinking. But obviously he's not thinking that. I've had so much bad experience with Ts who were supposedly trauma-informed. At my request, my current T gave me a list of trauma-informed inpatient places. The place where I last went and got retraumatised is not on the list. I mentioned that and he said there'd obviously not been enough good reports on it in the past 18 months (the time frame he and other trauma-informed Ts had used to gather recommendations from patients).

I also remember telling my current T last time he was applying for an extension for me why I wanted an extension then, i.e. why not wait a year or so. My response: I wanted my healing over and done with in one go, rather than keep coming back every few years. Well, this response would speak for changing T.

Just noting things I can't yet write in my paper Journal - for whatever reason. When the time is right, I'll be able to make a decision here too.

[Blueberry]

Another thing I could do with writing before I take any concrete steps is: Even before my retreat I could feel how more and more people and situations with people were driving me up the wall. I only remembered this after I was back home and ruminating on run-in with Narc Male.

I am drawing back from friends and acquaintances and I am having more run-ins with them as I set boundaries, or as I don't set boundaries and then get really irritated. I've probably read here and I've certainly read over on OOTF that this stage comes with healing. It makes sense but it also makes for loneliness. I've read about that too though. There's a period before you start attracting healthier people...

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

the new t thing that's going on with you - sometimes we just outgrow the healers we have, and a new perspective can be a motivation and a sort of 'push' (if that's the right word) to get us moving in a way we hadn't known or thought before.  on the other hand, as someone who has also been burned too many times by t's who either harmed or did nothing for me, i understand your reticence to change.  i have no doubt the answer will come to you, and it'll feel right for you.

i can also relate to letting go of people in my life as i began setting boundaries they didn't agree w/, or getting out of situations where i ended up doing all the work for whatever was going on.  it is a lonely area, for sure.  as i think back, tho, at what i used to do, what i kept doing w/ not enough return to refuel me for the effort expended, or what i kept allowing into my life that really wasn't healthy for me, i'm much less stressed out by a long shot than i was before.   it's a weight thing, i think.  where is the weight of the relationship sitting?  if we consistently carry most of the weight most of the time, we're the ones who get worn out, overwhelmed, and exhausted, while they frolic along on the fruits of our labor.

maybe i'm being overly cynical here, but i've gotten pretty fed up w/ that entire dynamic.  sounds like you are as well.

i love your mindfulness, how it's working for you.  i agree w/ snowdrop that it's inspiring.  you are moving ahead, showing how you're doing it, and it's something that i, for one, am not only delighted to see, but it helps give me strength to keep carrying on.  thanks.  love and hugs.