Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

There are things I want to write but I can feel them zooming off before I can type them. I did make myself a fairly nutritious meal and in so doing used up some leftovers and did some kitchen clear up. 

I've decided to have another go at not commenting on so many other peoples' posts. Read around and moderate if necessary, yes, but also try not to feel I need to comment and help other people on here. There are plenty of other members to do so. It's not my job as a Mod to try to help everybody or cheer everybody on. I'm sad in a way that my energy doesn't stretch that far. I appreciate being cheered on myself so no doubt it does other members good. 

Nevertheless there is so much I could be doing for myself atm - whether therapy and work-on-self or professional work, cleaning and tidying both apartment and office, practising my singing. And more! Like basic self-care which is often really difficult, going back up to the farm. Oh, I need to go to my GP, also the dentist. I think I need a hearing test and I definitely need to get some physio. I've been not getting round to that for over a year. And then of course getting on at ll to finally get that work finished, and other difficult stuff of that sort. Taxes. Other important forms.

This week I've once again decided to take my singing seriously. I think it's a bit of an EF when I decide otherwise. When I say to myself that it's not worth continuing singing in the choir and I can't sing anyway so just give up. It is true, I do have a lot of difficulty getting the correct notes. I often don't but I'm accepted in the choir in spite of that. Being accepted just as I am is so different from my experience in FOO. It's worth going to choir practice and the ensuing services almost just for this new experience! Also the more I go to choir practice and sing God's words, the more I tend to go to church services in general, and they normally do me good. The more I go to choir practice, the more I have hymns running through my head at home. This week I've been thinking of the saying "Where you tend a rose, a thistle cannot grow." When I have the words of a hymn or a psalm and the tune running through my head, I can't simultaneously think up what I'd like to really say to ll or some neighbours in the building.
So reminder to self: keep going with singing.

**TW  SI in childhood **

Giving up singing in a group is like other situations where I've said to myself: "might as well throw in the towel". I'm not as good at something as I "should be" (Thanks FOO and ICr.) so it's not worth it, I'm not worth it, give it all up. That throws me back into depression and into old, old feelings of 'it's not worth my or anybody else's time or effort to do anything for me or to help me'. That's the impression FOO gave me growing up (and later): "Oh well, it's only Blueberry." (and worse impressions).  Callous, negligent, neglectful, uncaring towards me to such an extent that I didn't want to live. Recently my T helped me understand that although I continued to exist physically, I seldom tried to live any of my potential because that was unwanted most of the time and too dangerous for me. There were a few years here and there when things were less bad in FOO and I could show a bit more of my potential and of who I was and could maybe develop into, but then I had to shut it all down again. I couldn't live who I was, develop anything really. I mean I was ridiculed by somebody or other for more or less everything - facial expression, tone of voice... These things change when you sing, when you articulate words. So it was easier and less dangerous to not express anything in any way. "Throwing in the towel" is like going back to those years of clamming up, disappearing into walls and generally trying to not be noticed. That's only become clear now with writing about it.
**End TW **

So continuing to sing in choir is like saying: "Here I am. I'm not disappearing. In fact, I'm living, developing myself, working at my goals. I'm moving, breathing, existing. Inspite of FOO and their messages."

[Blueberry]

I've decided to have another go at not commenting on so many other peoples' posts. Read around and moderate if necessary, yes, but also try not to feel I need to comment and help other people on here. There are plenty of other members to do so. It's not my job as a Mod to try to help everybody or cheer everybody on.

Reading this, it sounds kind of harsh. I've received lots of help, kindness, acknowledgement, support etc on here myself. Otoh I really think I need to cut back on commenting  for a while, for myself, to save more energy for me. Ah yes, I remember I've written to other mbrs on here that your own healing goes first. Now it's time to apply that to myself more than I have been doing .

I didn't do everything today that I'd intended but I made a good start. Finished two teaching contracts and sent them off, phoned somebody from the LETS group and have already got an appointment for her to come and help me clean since my apartment is really very untidy and dirty, and my office beginning to get out of control too. Once I know help is coming in a week or so, then I get going cleaning and tidying a bit myself rather than giving up before I start. I was up and about at 9 am, whereas last Saturday I didn't get going till the afternoon. I remember because I didn't even get to the farmer's market. Today I did.

I have two sources of food, where people drop stuff off rather than allowing it to be thrown out. From one of the sources I've been getting too much veg and salad and so on but also sweet things. It was hard for me, but today I emailed to ask that she reduces the amount she leaves for me. Partly it was difficult for eating-disorder reasons and partly feeling bad about saying "No" to generosity and care, even if it is now causing me stress - too much food in the kitchen, some going to waste or me looking for somebody to pass stuff on to. Not easy, but I did it! It means I'm putting my health and needs in first place rather than somebody else's good feeling.  Overcoming a FOO taboo. 

I did some more filing in my office, spent a few minutes in the garden looking at and sniffing my still blooming flowers, did some laundry but decided not to hang it out. I've just turned my heating back on for the winter too, so that'll help me. Being a little cold tends to make me depressed and inactive, very counter-productive. My heating is a bit wonky. I can't regulate it well overnight so sometimes it's 25°C in my bedroom in the middle of the night. One reason I delay turning it on in the fall. But today I decided: on with it. Turning it back on involves a monkey wrench, using tools is often nerve-wracking to triggering. Today beforehand I reminded myself that I've done it competently and successfully the past few years so no need to be frightened today. I managed without any problem and without postponing as well. 

I also played the keyboard for the first time in ages and practised a bit for choir tomorrow, also for the first time in ages. While washing the dishes this morning I listened to a CD and moved around a bit to the music too, also for the first time in quite a while. Also took my meds, which was difficult and partially not done last week, had some relatively nutritious food spaced out over the day, drank water and herbal tea. What didn't I do? I didn't brush my hair. Self-care is really hard. Did my brush my teeth several times though. Yep, sometimes if I push myself through some difficult self-care, I then get next to nothing done for the rest of the day. Hair brushed but otherwise exhausted / in an EF for the rest of the day. Hair brushed but not teeth. That kind of thing.

[Blueberry]

In the past couple of days a few good things too. The toilet sanitation problem is much improved. so following through with that was definitely beneficial.

On Thursday I went to a meeting which is partly social, partly discussing our volunteer/advocacy work - not cptsd (!). The last time I attended I managed to discuss problems of the previous meeting and talk about the way I felt treated. It took a bit of courage to go back, but it was all good. Everybody was friendly, no passive-aggressive comments or anything. It's good to note.

On Friday in conversation a topic about which I'd had a disagreement with a friend about 6 weeks ago came up again. This time we managed to talk about it calmly, we didn't interrupt each other. I didn't do any of the "but you said you'd do xy and then you didn't"  I realise now it's firmly fixed in her mind that she backed out of something she was going to help organise because she got sick. I recall a different sequence of events, but obviously it's not worth discussing. This is progress for me: sometimes disagreeing is good (e.g. when I told one of my neighbours that other people in the building complain about her too i.e. it's not true that everybody complains about me and me only) but sometimes it's good to let things drop and see how the situation can change going forwards. That's what I managed here.

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear you're feeling better Blueberry. Especially that you're back to singing. I love singing, even though I'm horrible at it, and it is only for myself.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i don't know exactly what the mod requirements are, but i'll echo you in what you've told others - we are our no. 1 priority.  i'm just glad for you that you're able to see that for yourself and you're taking it to heart.   

i'm also jazzed to hear that you want to get back to your singing!  that is so cool!   

and, also glad to hear that the toilet thing is better.  ugh!  that was horrible.  sending love and a hug full of 'blueberry rocks!'.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Jazzy and san 

I love singing, even though I'm horrible at it, and it is only for myself.

Sounds like me, did you realise that? I love singing too, but I do not ever manage to hit all the correct notes in any hymn or song and now what with not having done much singing at all in the choir for months, things are pretty bad. So I'm probably what you'd call horrible at it too! I get drowned out by the rest of the choir though so it doesn't bother the congregation. When I sing regularly with the choir, then I'm more likely to got to church services regularly and sing there and I'm more likely to sing to myself at home or even in my head. So in my case it's really worth keeping go with choir. It just does me so much good. 

____________________________

Today I was at the farm where I continued progress I made last time on doing something good for me in my breaks. Last time I was there, I was helping a lot more than usual and for 2 days not 1. I really needed my breaks and I really needed them to be good for me - e.g. processing stuff. In the daytime I don't really have my own room there, just a bed in the corner of a communal room, tho fortunately not the biggest, busiest room. So I sat there on my bed writing in my paper Journal and colouring in mandalas, neither of which are activities which another adult would do there in the middle of the day. I know that my feelings of guilt/shame for doing these things as well as fear of getting caught are flashbacks and the farm environment exacerbates that partly just because of the amount of work there is to do there. The question is not: "How many hours have I done?", the question is: "What still needs to be done?" 

A couple of women did actually come in while I was colouring in mandalas and I managed to feel almost OK about it. I also did some EFT without feeling too self-conscious about it. Nobody happened to come in anyway. Today I really needed my break between the end of my morning work and lunchtime. I didn't want to hide away anywhere, I wanted to be out in the warm sunshine and my body was in need of a stretch and of moving in ways I don't during my work. So I climbed up onto the trampoline and lay moving from one slow yoga-type exercise to another to help my body not feel so tense and tired. I realised while doing it - where anybody passing by would see - that this is a continuation of colouring mandalas in view of anybody. Doing either I feel vulnerable to criticism and self-conscious. But I'm beginning to feel less self-conscious and less vulnerable

[Blueberry]

The other good thing about yoga on the trampoline was that I was following my body's impulses. That can be more useful and easier for me than following a proscribed program.

I know that I need more exercise but it's really hard for me. There are some blockages behind it. With singing and choir practice I will be working on breathing which gives e.g. stomach muscles a gentle work-out. Keeping going with choir and singing is beneficial for this reason then too. I've decided to follow that route for the next while, rather than trying to find some type of exercise class that would appeal enough for me to go regularly. I often feel if I add one extra activity I'm going to collapse, so actually adding weekly exercise isn't going to work anyway.

___________________

It's possible somebody else in this building decided to get revenge on me. Yesterday morning on leaving the house I noticed some brown liquid seeping from under a table in the front hall. Coffee? No. Two bags of veg that somebody leaves me had been put under the table and pushed to the far back, almost out of sight - certainly not visible from casually walking past. It's exceedingly unlikely that the woman who leaves them would have left them there, since it would have involved some effort. Having sat under there for ??12 hours? or more?, one of the bags was leaking brown liquid from very mushy radish leaves. I rescued the bags and contents, but unusually for me, I left the brown liquid on the floor (no time to clean up) and decided against cleaning it up later too. After all, it wasn't my fault I hadn't seen the bags, hidden away as they were. Beyond that, this is how everybody else in the building acts - wait to see if somebody else cleans away your mess. Today when I got in from the farm, it had been cleaned up I'm really glad I waited.

Since I had had an urge to get revenge on a few people in my building, I had a gentle laugh at myself at this juncture and also have the idea that going out of my way to get revenge might not be the best idea. Good on self for acknowledging If somebody else had told me that, I probably wouldn't take it too well however.

My T showed me an anger-reducing exercise involving grounding myself and then breathing and focussing eyes in a particular way. It would be good to try this instead of wanting revenge. I haven't managed to do the exercise yet. Last time I got in from T, I went straight to tackling the toilet sanitation problem. I'd say I'm more or less restabled after that and after various other things that have come my way since then. I'll manage the anger-reduction exercise when it's not going to overburden me.

Last week I had an appointment with the psychiatrist and for a problem I mentioned with filling in forms, he suggested various solutions which I didn't accept for various well-founded reasons. He did change the solutions a bit to try and find one that might work - I will give him that - and the final one I agreed might be possible. That would just be: finding a symbol for the part of me that blanks during form-filling and putting it in its own space while I go ahead and conjure up the part of me that is strong and competent when I'm teaching so that I can use this energy to complete whatever I need to.

Sounds easy probably - but I know for myself that the exercise is likely to throw up a bunch of additional topics and possibly just plain exhaust me. I think I just need time! My body and mind and emotions take the time they need to heal, acceleration isn't possible.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, revenge is an extension of neg. energy that we have to conjure up w/in ourselves and does nobody any good.  i've had lots of revenge thoughts toward my ex.  i'm glad you were able to find a chuckle in yourself instead.  i like that alternative.     also good for you for finding space for some eft.  i think that's great.  one step at a time - it's what we can do, and you're doing it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ steps of your choosing.

[Blueberry]

Yeah you're right, san, revengeful feelings carry negative energy. Deep down on some level I know that because M wanted revenge on people and things right, left and centre. Certainly on me for various things I couldn't even help doing or being (e.g. supposedly being favoured my some of her in-laws). I do have further thoughts on this but closing this can of worms for the evening.

I had a lot of getting-on-with-things energy today. Even phoned ll again. He had been 'meaning to get back to me'. Ha Ha. He's actually coming by tomorrow morning with the workman in question!! So my inquiry and bit of pressure last week worked even though ll's words at the time were accusatory and it sounded as if I was going to have to keep slogging away at this issue for months.

I was out in the garden picking various wild herbs to eat and did other garden work while I was about it. I also did lots of laundry and hung it out and got on with some heavy-duty cleaning in my bedroom as well as some in the kitchen. I even discarded a few items.  for all of that.

I was thinking of emailing my parents because they've been behaving themselves for a while. It's good to say 'hello, the weather is blah' or some such neutral stuff so they don't try and contact me via somebody else again. However, I did notice my energy zooming off at the thought. I also noticed that my thoughts started stuttering and I was having trouble finding my words. It's like an EF at the mere thought of FOO. In M's presence my linguistic ability in my native language tended to do a nose-dive, when I was an adult anyway, i.e. not that long ago - when I was last in contact in person or by phone. Very telling. So I haven't emailed them, I don't want to lose what remains of today's energy.

All in all, it has been a good day of getting things done and of personal resilience when a few things didn't go quite to plan. Those things didn't throw me as they sometimes do. I found other things to do. e.g. about an hour ago I wanted to type up some of my own notes - business stuff - and I couldn't find my notes anywhere. So I sat and did something much easier in my office. Then after that I had a brainwave and found the notes. I can type them tomorrow. 

There are a few posts on here that I'd like to respond to, but I realise that I don't have any more energy for that this evening.

I can't remember if I wrote this already. Reading back in here some days ago showed me that I have cycles of about 3 weeks: feeling good and getting things done, then getting overwhelmed and needing to recuperate, climbing back up out of EFs and feeling good again, getting overwhelmed/triggered etc etc.... I was sure I'd written that here but I don't see where. Anyway, I have T next week so I'm getting prepared for the possibility of the subconscious processing in the days following the appointment. T itself doesn't seem to overwhelm me anymore during the appointment, but in the days after - well, another story. The improvement is me looking to next week and planning for the possibility rather than being blind-sided by it.

[sanmagic7]

wow!  so much good stuff here, blueberry.    is right!

i particularly like how you've noticed these 3-week patterns for yourself.  i'm wondering if i have something like that going on.  you've given me something to think about.  thanks.

and good for you for recognizing in your body what kind of impact the whole foo thing has on you.  i think that's a big deal in a very good way.

sending love and hugs!

[Blueberry]

Even phoned ll again. He had been 'meaning to get back to me'. Ha Ha. He's actually coming by tomorrow morning with the workman in question!! So my inquiry and bit of pressure last week worked even though ll's words at the time were accusatory and it sounded as if I was going to have to keep slogging away at this issue for months.

They did come but it wasn't easy. Before the ll turned up, the painter accused me of having bought a new flyer holder so that's why it hadn't fitted the holes, wasn't his job to make new holes. That set the scene rather. In retrospect I shouldn't have shown him the spot on the wall before ll turned up. I hadn't realised the painter was going to go denial mode. I guess I 'should have' guessed based on his previous behaviour. So both those 'should have' sentences will get re-worded into EFT "I accept and forgive myself even though..." later.

In conversation with ll and the painter things escalated a bit verbally on my side - I got a bit louder, not really loud, but it was noticeable that I was annoyed. The painter accused me of not knowing how to engage with people in normal conversation, so I asked him what about his accusation of my having bought a new flyer holder, which he denied doing.

ll said I'd better calm right down or he'd not have the painter do any of the work. He also went on about the money spent on us tenants and the money he is going to spend on other improvements. 'So shut up and be grateful' is the message I'm getting. ll also went on to ask me how I dared having flyer holders on the outside wall anyway and when I said the previous ll had allowed it, he threatened about that not being valid unless it's in writing, which of course it isn't. "See, if you get difficult, we'll get difficult too" said ll, while the painter nodded sanctimoniously. That is a direct quote from ll.

If I asked an ll to give me something like permission to put up a flyer holder in writing, he'd be annoyed at the time-wasting and probably tell me to take a hike. In fact this current ll gave me permission to put up a sign on the outside wall, which I haven't done yet since I haven't even ordered the sign, and of course he didn't give it to me in writing. 

I did calm down, things did calm down, and the painter is going to come by end of next week to finish the work. But I also told my ll about the work I'm doing with the old garden compost which an official town inspector for historic buildings had complained about. The old compost from way, way back is way too close to the garden wall, supposedly could damage the wall. (Actually I've been discovering that the wall behind the compost is in a much better state than most other parts of the wall.) ll told me about that in about May when he dropped by to look at various issues. So from me: See, I don't just complain and cause problems, I actually start dealing with things. (Not in so many words of course).

[Blueberry]

I had intended to write and send 2 payment reminders today but I realise that I've dealt with enough difficult things today with having that discussion with ll and the painter this morning. Trying to push myself on to doing the payment reminders too is going to backfire.  for realising this and going through with it, i.e. doing normal things today. Like teaching, cooking for myself. Which is important because when I push myself too much, then I can't even do normal, I can only do really simple, like wash a few dishes, read a book, do crosswords, lie long in bed

So today's actions are probably part of key to not collapsing with such frequency. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Snowdrop]

Good self-awareness, Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

My ICr aka my parents is/are telling me that I react with disproportionate emotion to somebody dying who I'm not close to. At least now, as opposed to earlier today, I realise it is my ICr.

A friend told me today that her neighbour who is my old ll (in a previous location) died suddenly a couple of weeks ago. I'm not weeping or anything like that but just a bunch of pictures are coming up in my mind of day-to-day interactions with him, his wife and family. My apartment was above theirs so I'd meet them in the stairwell all the time. Things were generally pretty harmonious. Nothing like with my current ll or people in the current building. I'm still glad I moved from there to where I am now because my rent is lower, I have a garden, I'm in a quieter street but still very central.

Sometimes I used to dream I was still living there but had to move, or had to move within their building into weird spaces you wouldn't normally live in. The same sort of dreams I've had about having to move out of my present place but not having anywhere to go to.

A second choir member died last week. I had a few short but fairly deep conversations with her of the kind I never had or would have had with my old ll, so I'm surprised old ll's death seems to be bringing up more memories. But then I did live in that house for 8 or 9 years. The first half year after that I was house-sitting for the neighbours - my friends - so of course I still had some interaction with ll. He even helped me a couple of times with quick handyman kind of stuff.

Anyway something my parents apparently didn't know and possibly still don't is that your emotions on somebody dying (as also on many other things) are not cognitive and there is no 'wrong' to their existence. Also that it's best to express them in a healthy way than shove them down. My healthy way has just been to take a couple of hours and allow them to drift through, the way you might let thoughts or images drift through in a meditation. Just allowing myself and my feelings, memories to be.

btw these 3 people I knew who've died in the past weeks were all 75 yo or older. No really young people involved.