Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone and Jazzy Your posts remind me that it's not easy for me to do these types of things. I still have to wait two weeks for the new lenses, but at least there's an end in sight! And yeah, nobody accused me of making things up, nobody said "too bad, you're going to have to put up with it".   

What do you think Three Roses? Could being sensitive be something a bit like being mindful? Once I stop rushing around, I slow down enough to notice that it's actually my new glasses weighing heavily on the bridge of my nose, especially bad when I'm wearing something on my head like even a headband covering my ears, which I cannot do without in winter. Who would have thought that? FOO was never too sensitive about my protestations of things e.g. footwear not fitting properly. A permanent, faint ache? That's life. So I partially stopped feeling things physically and partially put up with them if I noticed, even if the ache was pretty bad. I remember it took me a number of months to go to the doctor's with a terrible headache. I'd never had one before so I thought mine was normal, just to be put up with. It wasn't. There was even a cure! Now I'm saying "No! I'm not putting up with it!" I'm saying something!

[Three Roses]

Could being sensitive be something a bit like being mindful?

Being mindful allows us to stop and take in each moment as it passes. But I think it may go a little deeper than that, at least for me, because I can notice each moment, but I have to do more than just "noticing" to tap into the wonderful array of emotions that lie beneath the surface - the rapture of a sunset, the joy at seeing children playing, the wonder of discovering something new I'd never noticed. I'll go out on a limb here and express my opinion that the non-sensitive are really not able to do that, or at least not to the extent that HSP can. 

[Blueberry]

A step forward today: I had been wondering about going away on a weekend seminar in a few weeks. This morning I looked around my apartment and seeing all the mess and untidiness, I thought to myself that it would be better to concentrate on things at home in the next weeks and not go rushing off to some other distraction. The real step forward is the way I spoke to myself. There was none of that haranguing ICr. Instead a mixture of matter-of-fact and caring, gentle.   

In other good news: my business neighbour actually parked outside his place today instead of mine! I went into his shop and thanked him specially just in case he had done it accidentally or because he had to. He was on the grumpy side but at least he didn't have any excuses.

[Blueberry]

Oh, yeah I forgot as in it slipped my mind while I was writing the good stuff: last night I had a bad FOO dream again. I was in a car with my elder brother and it transpired that M had up and left the country with younger B to go to her home country thousands of miles away where GrF was dying and neither of my parents had bothered to tell me or consider whether I might want to go or not. 

B1 is actually only 1.5 years older than me but once again in that dream he was acting for the parents, he had been given power over me by them. My immediate impulse was to throw eggs at a wall. Not that I could do that in a car... But that was my impulse and it's a step forward too actually because I didn't injure myself nor have any impulse to do so. Nor did I start screaming hysterically the way I supposedly did in my teens when feeling verbally /emotionally / psychologically overpowered by B1.

The other good thing: I'm up and awake and doing stuff. I don't feel derailed or anything after this dream. 

In actual fact, I was at GrF's funeral and with him in the weeks before he died whereas my brothers weren't. And it was me who was badgering M to tell my brothers that he was more than just 'rather unwell'.

[Aphotic]

My immediate impulse was to throw eggs at a wall. Not that I could do that in a car... But that was my impulse and it's a step forward too actually because I didn't injure myself nor have any impulse to do so. Nor did I start screaming hysterically the way I supposedly did in my teens when feeling verbally /emotionally / psychologically overpowered by B1.

That must be such a welcome change! I feel that these better impulses and reactions in your dreams are especially a good sign - with dreams being mostly uncontrollable and all... It's like your subconscious fighting against your past reactions.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Complex! Once I thought about it and started writing about it, I realised what a welcome change it was

This afternoon I had a nap and the dream continued. There I actually confronted M with her behaviour and even said "How dare you...?" irl that wouldn't help anything, I know because I have confronted FOO mbrs before. But in my dream it's different because FOO doesn't necessarily react the way they do irl, with denial, rage, gaslighting etc, or at least not with the strength and ferocity with which they deny. Saying in my dream "How dare you...?" to abusive FOO mbrs is a definite step forwards for me.

So, good that I allowed myself the nap as well. I obviously needed it for further healing. As a result I got fewer things done today than I had hoped to manage, but healing is more important than filing papers, dusting bookshelves etc.

[Not Alone]

Great that you were able to talk to yourself in a matter-of-fact, caring, gentle manner. That is a really big deal. Also that you not only weren't derailed by your dream, but asserted yourself when the dream continued. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone   Something I read in my paper Journal from about 2 months ago showed me I was unknowingly setting the seed for the change in tone to myself at that point.

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Today I had trouble getting out of bed, not for the first time. I considered what the issue was. "Too much stuff planned, too many difficult things." I didn't actually have very much at all on my 'Coulds' list today and bare minimum on 'highly Recommended'. The 'Coulds' was the problem, so I pared down one item on that. I had planned to get up early and vacuum and mop through downstairs in entrance hall and outside my office. I decided to just vacuum instead. With that decision made, I was able to get up and do the job. Somebody else can mop, or I'll do it when I feel more energetic.

So it's good for me to note once again that 'Coulds' are just that, that's why they're not on the 'Highly Recommend' list

[Blueberry]

Now I've spent a good few hours in the garden cleaning up the tree-pruning effort of Sunday, raking leaves and stuff like that as well as wiping down and drying my garden furniture to put in the basement for the winter, which I've never done before. The chairs are showing it too. 

To be able to put my garden furniture in my basement section, I had to remove something left by a predecessor. I decided on the weekend it should go up into the attic where we all supposedly have storage space but the door to the attic is blocked by stuff from one neighbour and the stairs are used as her storage space too. So I lugged it upstairs and put a note on it asking "How do I get into the attic?" Said neighbour can put up with the item or clear the space in front of the door, whatever she prefers.

There were a number of steps involved in all of that. It's jobs with steps that I often have difficulty following through with. But today I managed that well. And it's been raining on and off all morning which didn't bother me in the least. I actually enjoyed my garden work   I realised while I was doing it that the reason I had no energy to mop was that it simply wasn't priority for me. More like: 'I should do that because nobody else will'. Although it's the same thing with a little of the garden work I did today, it seems to have been a day for garden work and most of it was my own work anyway. Also it's not repetitive work like cleaning. If I were to clean more today, then my own apartment.

[Snowdrop]

Wow, you've been busy! Good boundary work regarding the attic too.

Thank you for writing down your thought processes regarding shoulds and coulds. I find it useful because it inspires me to think about how I can apply to my life.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Snowdrop. I'm always glad when things I write help others too because I write so much

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A couple of days ago I asked myself what I would do if I won €5000. The spontaneous answer: buy a better bicycle again and go back to singing lessons!

Of course I haven't won €5000 or any other amount but there is that FOO money... So I signed up for occasional singing lessons again. I went today and will on Monday too. Both the choirs I'm in are singing on Tuesday (it's another funeral, of a retired priest this time) and both choirs are singing separately and at different times for normal church services on Sunday.

In the lesson today, I again noticed improvement and that's without having done any exercises specifically from singing lessons. Of course we do some in choir practice but not to the degree possible in one-on-one. One change that may have come about from choir practice is my attempt to pick up the note by ear and sing it low before I start the actual exercise. I then lose it again while concentrating on all sorts of other stuff in the warm-up exercises, but baby steps count here too! In fact I've decided that baby steps count in all areas of my life, whether directly healing or Other. Because improvements in Other is generally somehow also a result of healing.

At the very end of the lesson after a good few tries, I finally got a little sequence of high notes. I felt so good at this achievement! I felt good physically - well singing is physical. My instructor even wanted to keep me a few minutes longer to work on it further because it was such a breakthrough! I had to decline so I could catch my train home.

An additional constructive, beneficial activity I'd like to integrate at least a couple of times a week is singing warm-up exercises. I have them written out in my little book but I hardly ever do any at home. At most in the train on the way to my lesson in rather a subdued manner of course so nobody else notices. Or sometimes I even imagine myself doing them. That tends to make me yawn like crazy, which is a good sign.

Regularly at home though would improve: lung capacity, neck and face relaxation, general breathing. It would also strengthen certain muscles used for singing. I decided a little while ago to stick to singing and see that for the exercise it is, rather than trying to take up some regular exercise class and now I'll be having a go at useful singing/breathing exercises more regularly. Before one of my choir practices would be a good idea and then see when else during the week or day it could be good to take a little break and do one or two exercises. 5 - 10 minutes and it's done. It doesn't have to be all possible exercises, nor does it have to be audible ones when I'm having trouble existing. Breathing isn't audible to anybody outside my apartment.

[Three Roses]

I'm glad this is working out for you! Singing is so much fun, such a creative outlet. 

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear you're improvements. Regular warm up exercises sounds like a great idea! I'm behind you 100% on that.

In fact I've decided that baby steps count in all areas of my life, whether directly healing or Other.

Totally agree, baby steps are very important no matter what they involve.

Take care!

[Blueberry]

I had quite a few things planned for today including singing in both my choirs. I woke up with a sore throat and ear-ache which can be a sign of an impending cold or a sign that everything is too much. So back to  till noon.

is shining through the window on to me atm which is very nice

I tried feeling into whether it's 'just' a cold on the horizon or whether other things but no inner response.

It's Sunday so I can't even buy lemon or ginger. 

[Snowdrop]

<makes you a hot lemon and honey drink>

I hope you feel better soon.