Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

Thanks Perplex After postponing and finding other things to do including eating I finally had my shower and hair wash. There was no problem once I actually got going. Even the water temperature stayed nicely warm the whole time instead of hot or cold

So sometimes for me it seems it's just good to go through with it! otoh sometimes I do have to wait until the time is right to go through with it. Tricky.

[Jazzy]

I can understand why that is difficult for you, especially with already having trouble showering. Good job getting it done though. I'm not really sure how, but I'd like to encourage you to keep up with the showering. Its an important thing to do. Sorry its so uncomfortable. I'm quite familiar with that not feeling safe thing, and it is nasty. I hope it doesn't last too long for you. Take care!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Jazzy

_________________

Talking of little things being too much, I didn't make it out of bed till noon and have already struck 3 things off my to-do list. There are still 3 things on it so I undoubtedly planned too much for today.

[Blueberry]

So just read what I wrote above and then my eyes moved to the left: Baby steps count!

I know it's san who wrote that she's stuck, stuck, stuck. Well, I just felt rn that things are getting a bit unstuck in my life atm. The image I have is of a stream where a bunch of sticks and small logs have got all entangled and one of them has managed to loosen and now more are moving off. What did this? I finally got my passport application in. A friend helped me online and still there were a few problems (though she's good at that, unlike me) but in the end it all worked out.

She also encouraged me about some other similar type of application I would like to do in the nearish future since she's been through it already. I've been entangling myself for months in questions of: which exact admin person should I contact first and should I try before the application? This friend suggested I phone and ask. I note how much I'm still frightened of doing so. Think back to 7-10 yo me who was nervous about phoning in case I didn't know what to say. M used to stand around in the background mimicking and ridiculing me and sometimes even telling me in an angry voice what answer I should be giving, even though she wasn't always correct.

Concrete step there would be listening to 7-10 yo me and seeing what kind of help she needs.
Then stop worrying about who to contact in what order and get all my documents together first. That will still take some work since I need at least one reference. And then just phone or drop by and ask if an appointment would be possible. and if so, when. Before application? After application? (It is not a job interview, or anything like).

It's headshakingly amazing on the one hand and sad on the other how deeply that ridicule, impatience and general nastiness from M has so badly affected my confidence in myself to follow through with this kind of thing. There's also an element of "everybody's out to get me and it's not going to work out no matter what I do or say" buried in the back there somewhere. So whoever in me who believes that hasn't taken on newer information and experiences which say that that element is not true!

I'm thinking of the work Snowdrop is doing atm and since I have done something similar in the past, I could maybe re-apply that kind of method here.

[Snowdrop]

There's also an element of "everybody's out to get me and it's not going to work out no matter what I do or say" buried in the back there somewhere. So whoever in me who believes that hasn't taken on newer information and experiences which say that that element is not true!

Some thoughts popped into my head related to what I've been doing recently. Is the part that thinks "everybody's out to get me" protecting you in some way? If so, do you know how? Does it relate to 7-10 yo you?

Please ignore these thoughts if they're not helpful, and don't feel you need to answer. I just wrote them down in case they helped.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your ideas Snowdrop. I'm not sure of the answer yet and I'm not going to think into it tonight but maybe in the next few days

[Not Alone]

Concrete step there would be listening to 7-10 yo me and seeing what kind of help she needs.

That sounds like a wise and kind idea.

[Blueberry]

Today I had the feeling that I've not been working much on my healing recently. But then I remembered how some Ts I used to go to always used to tell me that after emotional/psychological progress and after deep healing work I needed to take steps to reground and to integrate. I then realised that things I've been doing recently e.g. today some garden work are part of integration. I've been working with my hands, I've been working on medium-term plans by improving soil for next year's garden, I've continued what I started on Sunday and Monday and made a lot of progress with it too. I got a lot further with it today than I thought I would. Garden work usually works to reground me too.

I'm doing integration and re-grounding automatically which is progress too. I used to really have to push myself.

I also finally collected my glasses, which I could have collected on Saturday but didn't have the energy. Today I finally did have the energy. I also took the time. One student cancelled and then I decided not to go to a social event I often go to one afternoon a week, I decided making progress in the garden was more important - before it is really winter.

So these were all concrete beneficial steps today.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm just so glad for you that you are being able to see some of these things you're doing as progress and healing.  may i suggest that even these realizations are part of healing?  i say this because sometimes it's a realization of something that propels me forward, too.  and i can totally relate to gardening as being grounding - since i'm now renting a place, there's no gardening allowed, and i miss it terribly.  working in a garden has been some of the best feelings i've ever had. 

i agree w/ those t's who told you to take a step back after making a leap in progress.  our minds need time to re-establish bases of thinking, perception, emotions, and perspective.  lots of stuff changes for us as we heal, and we need time to get used to those changes. 

it's so lovely to see all this is you.  sending love and a hug full of progress and time.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san You're right, realisations are a part of healing too. My initial idea today was that I wasn't actively working on my healing the way a number of other mbrs around here are, but just allowing it to happen. So you know I wasn't doing any EFT or Screen Processing or feeling into the 7-10 yo me I recently wrote about. But then I had those realisations so that put things back in perspective

I'm sorry you're not allowed to work in a garden any more! All that's left for you is the garden on the Healing Porch but it's not quite the same as actually getting your fingers in the dirt.

[Blueberry]

I didn't get up till around noon today. But that's Ok. Really. I must have needed my sleep and rest.

I did some garden work with this coming Saturday being the last day before the winter where I can take garden refuse including tree branches to the town's garden refuse containers. So disentangling tree branches from other stuff, cutting or breaking them down to size and piling them so I can just pick up bundles and put them on the cargo bike in that 2 hour time-slot I'll have on Saturday. Today, accepting myself for my slow work. I know others would work faster and more efficiently with the tree branches and twigs. But I am the way I am.

I decided to definitely not run any errands tomorrow in a nearby town, but continue in the garden before and after teaching. So that means staying with the jobs at hand rather than running off distracting myself and potentially getting exhausted. There are more odd jobs around here than just garden anyway, e.g. writing bills, taking important things to the post office, cleaning and tidying.

While I was working in the garden and at other times of the day, I was planning my upcoming birthday party. There are actually a couple of months to go but I have decided I would like to celebrate it, which is huge progress in itself. Idk when exactly - a few days ago? a few weeks ago? - I was thinking about it too and it was too much. It was one of the things that precipitated me into another round of exhaustion or EF or something. Not the idea of a birthday celebration itself but more seeing what's all going on between now and then and kind of collapsing under the imagined onslaught instead of noticing and possibly reminding some Inner Children that what all going on is bit-by-bit. My plans are getting more concrete and more creative too, creative ways of dealing with exhaustion. e.g. no meals and BYOT - bring your own thermos of tea/coffee. So that all feels very positive to me.

[sanmagic7]

   yay for you, blueberry.  i think the progress you're making is immense on so many levels.  it's like several things are being put into place that had gotten scattered for a time.  i'm very glad for you.  love and a hug filled w/ energy for these tasks around you.

[Three Roses]

Bravo! 

[Not Alone]

But then I remembered how some Ts I used to go to always used to tell me that after emotional/psychological progress and after deep healing work I needed to take steps to reground and to integrate. I then realised that things I've been doing recently e.g. today some garden work are part of integration. I've been working with my hands, I've been working on medium-term plans by improving soil for next year's garden, I've continued what I started on Sunday and Monday and made a lot of progress with it too. I got a lot further with it today than I thought I would. Garden work usually works to reground me too.

I'm doing integration and re-grounding automatically which is progress too. I used to really have to push myself.

I also finally collected my glasses, which I could have collected on Saturday but didn't have the energy. Today I finally did have the energy. I also took the time. One student cancelled and then I decided not to go to a social event I often go to one afternoon a week, I decided making progress in the garden was more important - before it is really winter.

So these were all concrete beneficial steps today.

[Blueberry]

Feel pretty tired this evening. It's not surprising really. I did 2.5 hours volunteer work selling Christmas baking etc for charity and after that I did my final trips to the garden refuse place for this year. Busy from 11 am till 6 pm. Between 10 and 11 I was running errands.

From tomorrow till Tues am I'll be out of town with no Internet access and probably way too exhausted to do anything on here even if I had access.