[Blueberry]

Went to bed early and slept/rested in bed for 11 hours.

Now I've had the energy to do some very overdue cleaning in the stairwell and other communal areas. It probably was my turn anyway. Today I'm going to the farm early to get a start on Monday's work and am delivering something en route, so it'll be a busy day again, and Monday even more so.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you were able to get some good rest. I'm not surprised you were tired after being so busy, but I applaud you for having the energy to be busy in the first place, recognising that you needed to sleep, and getting your energy back as a result.

[Perplex]

Went to bed early and slept/rested in bed for 11 hours.

Now I've had the energy to do some very overdue cleaning in the stairwell and other communal areas. It probably was my turn anyway. Today I'm going to the farm early to get a start on Monday's work and am delivering something en route, so it'll be a busy day again, and Monday even more so.

Sounds so busy! I'm rooting for you. I'm glad you're also getting your rest after your work.

[Blueberry]

I don't always do my T homework. My T is easy on that, knowing that neither internal and external pressure are good for me. He probably assumes I have to get there in my own time (as I'm doing now ) even though that might take aaaaaages.

So what homework could I be doing:

1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them
2) Exploring my feelings when I have an urge to eat
3) Exploring my feelings just before I go food-shopping
4) Keep attempting 2. and 3. even though they're difficult and I can't feel much at all.

From my first entry in this Journal.

I think getting ill from Sun to Mon was eating-disorder-related, at least in part. The tonsillitis pain (it didn't last) would have been my body fighting whatever.

I'm thinking this is a signal: it's time I finally go for that blood test at my doc's and then discuss the most useful, attainable steps to improving my nutritional intake, discarding rubbish food intake and increasing exercise. Because I notice my physical stamina is decreasing. I'm going on 50, feel as if I'm going on 75.

I have pretty huge internal blockages about dealing with my eating disorder. As with many things to do with my healing, I'm unlikely to be able to change overnight, putting it mildly. Even a sudden willingness to discuss with my doc as well as write it here is a step forward though.

My T said a good few months ago that he thought I should leave the eating disorder stuff for a while. I think he was right at the time, but maybe enough healing has taken place for me to look at it again?

Making the blood test easier would include allowing myself to go for an evening blood test. They won't catch all results in that but still a number that my doc needs. He suggested that himself. It's better than not going at all.

Recently I was thinking abstractly about a new T and imagining the question: "What are your goals?", I clammed up and my mind went blank. I realised that's a hard one for me to disclose. It's hard to trust people with that information.

[Blueberry]

otoh I do realise I'm making tons of other progress atm. I haven't even written it here but I'm working on improving my advertising and also my office front. That's a huge step!! Even contemplating having real profressional advertising including logo in my office window is huge. There was a time when the mere suggestion or teeniest idea in my own head would set off ICr with "you might as well do away with yourself". Maybe it wasn't ICr even Idk. The whole idea of being so visible made me feel so vulnerable it was just too much and my age-old method of dealing was to disappear in some way. Anyway, the point is I'm way beyond any of that now.

_____________________

Also something else I'm thinking about, hoping an answer will come to me.
I have a T appointment on Thursday, early, entailing leaving the house before 8 am. I emailed my T today saying I might have to forego, he thought that was a good idea but gave me an appointment for December. But now I'm wondering: if eating disorder was the problem, then I'm not really ill. Maybe I should go on Thursday? It's not as if I get tons of appointments. Aside from discussing eating disorder, there was actually something else on the agenda, and if nothing else at least I wanted to ask him for a letter of explanation for some department or other on why cptsd is preventing me from working enough to earn my living. Also I could try and explore the reasons behind my absolute exhaustion at the idea of exercise. B1 turns up in my head. Yeah well. It would be worth looking at though.

On the weekend I had planned to take my godson on an outing that I'm sure he's been looking forward to and while I was still healthy, I was too. I got free tickets from a unemployed group I used to go to and the transportation is organised by them. Not an opportunity that shows itself every day.

I doubt very much I'd manage therapy and this outing. T is not in my hometown. It's an hour away by train and then back. I feel kind of selfish for thinking about therapy instead of the outing.

otoh it's not as if my godson is deprived or anything. His family take him on plenty of outings and would even consider paying me the entrance fee to take him next year. It's a fearfully expensive place. Well, having written about it might help me sort out the issue and come to a decision. It could also be that everything I was doing last week was just too much. Eating too much of the wrong things is a kind of crutch anyway, maybe I was using that to get over doing too many difficult activities? Could be.

[Blueberry]

Decided against T appointment. So that's one thing sorted.

Also started some negotiation with parents of godson so it wouldn't be a full weekend. Not Fri to Sun am. Though I'm still not sure it will take place. Starting this negotiation went far better than it used to. No anxiety beforehand and needing to garner courage for a few hours or days first. No, just sent off my email yesterday and already have a response and suggestion that would certainly help me.

[Blueberry]

Decided against the outing too. I'll do it sometime with my godson without the other group.

I finally started drinking again today, water that is.

[Blueberry]

Going back to "Baby Steps Count": For some reason or other, while I was illest, my mind went into therapy acceleration mode and high goal setting, especially about my eating disorder. Then from last night onwards I realised that those just don't work for me!

I discovered in my language there's an approach to trauma therapy which might be called 'gentle trauma therapy' in English. That's not a specific method, it's just being as unintrusive as possible while creating as much distance as possible between client and emotions, memories and anything that might overwhelm. Bingo! That's what my T has being doing with me. That's what the Screen Processing does for me. Screen Processing: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7643.msg51389#msg51389 And it's working!! The gentle approach isn't just about resilience, it is about processing too. What makes my T's work with me so successful is that he realises the approach I need and will continue to need. I don't have to explain and fight and argue and re-explain and put up with etc. It's the same with my gp too. That's not something you can explain to a doc or a T. They just have to have it.

It's doing me good to have a break from committments including moderating. Some memories have been coming up, but mostly realisations. I've had to set a few limits and have done so. I think somebody I got to know recently is behaving like a leech. It's good to notice this early on. It can take me years, or has done so in the past.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry,
I think you are doing fantastic with noticing things and then changing your direction as needed.
Thanks for the link to your post on screen processing. It has given me a little idea for something for my session on Monday----maybe. 
 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, you continue to shift, adjust, and move where and how you need to that's in your own best interest, and i applaud you for that. it's apparent to me that the more you continue to learn about yourself, the stronger you are getting, including the strength to get the rest you need when the rest of the world shouts 'lazy'!!!  there is power in that strength, to my mind, and it's wonderful to see you grow.

all i can say is keep doing what's working.  so very glad for you that both your t and your gp are on the same page as you.  sending love and hugs full of more of the same.

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone and san!

And it continues. Over the past week I've been coming up with one resolution which I've just implemented, followed by another over the past idk 12 hours, in the process of being implemented.

I don't 'do' New Year's resolutions, I do them as the idea and the willingness come.

Glad my Screen Processing description has given you some ideas for your next T appt, notalone. 

[Blueberry]

Over the past week I've been coming up with one resolution which I've just implemented, followed by another over the past idk 12 hours, in the process of being implemented.

The latter is now implemented. I've decided to take an official break from moderating, for 3 weeks to start with. Seen like that it doesn't look very long but my decisions are works in progress. From a particular type of therapy I was in for a long long time, fasting was the order of the day. Not from food of course but from substances, activities and behaviours to see what doing without would do to and for you.

So I'll just observe what this does for me. See what other things I do instead or what thoughts, memories, emotions come and then how I deal with them. Also see if I reduce my time in the Internet / on computer. Not actually forcing myself to at this point, just observing. Also see if I can give more to myself than others, put myself and needs first.

While I was ill, I did a few self-diagnosis tests, just for fun. One was on burn-out and the result was very, very high with the recommendation that I get into therapy asap    I presume that this fairly frequent feeling of being almost on the point of collapse is part of my cptsd mélange. Something has to give atm and I've chosen moderating for the time being.

[Blueberry]

it's time I finally go for that blood test at my doc's.

Making the blood test easier would include allowing myself to go for an evening blood test. They won't catch all results in that but still a number that my doc needs. He suggested that himself. It's better than not going at all.

Yesterday or the day before I made an appointment for an evening blood test. Had to discuss a bit with my doc's receptionists but it worked in the end. I also made a follow-up appointment while I was about it. They're not till January, but they are arranged. Concrete beneficial step

[Not Alone]

You inspire me with your self-evaluation and choices for self-care. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone

__________

There's lots going on in me atm. All sorts of inspiration and ideas bubbling about. Also sorting and deciding against things, projects, people.... I thought lighting a candle for the first day of Advent would be a good idea for my Advent calendar but didn't get round to putting that on Dec. 1st anyway. But I realised today that simply allowing myself to lie in for as long as I wanted - looooong - was the best thing.