Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much san for dropping by and taking the time to write feedback I do feel stronger again today, stronger than yesterday so that tells me a good few things but your view from 'outside' so to speak is very valuable and confirming for me too. 

[Blueberry]

it's time I finally go for that blood test at my doc's.

Making the blood test easier would include allowing myself to go for an evening blood test. They won't catch all results in that but still a number that my doc needs. He suggested that himself. It's better than not going at all.

Yesterday or the day before I made an appointment for an evening blood test. Had to discuss a bit with my doc's receptionists but it worked in the end. I also made a follow-up appointment while I was about it. They're not till January, but they are arranged. Concrete beneficial step

So today was the day. Last time I was at my doc's just before Christmas (with my tonsillitis/scarlet fever), the receptionists were complaining to each other in my presence and then to me about the evening blood draw. I even mentioned to my doc how annoyed and unimpressed they were but he wasn't put off about them. One of the receptionists said to the other about me "she's got a phobia". I corrected that: "It is trauma!" I've been going there for years and my diagnosis is known.

This time the two receptionists again were discussing my case before I even arrived, grumbling on about somebody getting a blood draw in the evening and how one "shouldn't". On the surface I wasn't upset about it, but when I was called to the room to get the blood draw, lying down as I'd reminded them I needed, the most complaining of the 2 receptionists was going to do the blood draw, and not my doc. I noticed how anxious that made me. I was thinking how she might make it more painful than necessary. Then I reminded myself that she may be grumbling about it and I think being passive-aggressive (taking her bad mood out on me 3 times instead of discussing with the doc himself), but she still wouldn't necessarily act the way M does and take it out on somebody physically. Not that the trauma stuff disappeared with that thought, but it was good to remind myself.

Then a realisation: M didn't protect me when I was 5 yo because she was 'frightened' that the blood draw nurse would take it out on me if she did. I've always wondered what incident in her past made M think that way. Today I suddenly realised: "Takes one to know one". M probably came up with that idea because that's how she acts: take whatever out on a person too small or weak (physically or emotionally) to defend themselves. It's even possible that she was rude / snooty to the nurse and the nurse was mean to me because of that, but idk - just a conjecture. M tended to rudeness to people she thought were beneath her - people like nurses, receptionists, secretaries, people who weren't of her nationality which this nurse wasn't because we had only just moved continents.

I don't actually really even remember the blood draw but I know from M that it happened. What I remember (from the same appointment) was being called for an X-ray and having to go all by myself across a room, round furniture etc. It seemed a big room to me, a long way to go and with some of the furniture as high as me. I took my teddy bear with me but was told part-way across that room that I'd have to leave him behind because having him with me would impede the X-ray. Surely I could have taken him with me as far as the door to the X-ray room? But now I wonder: What was M thinking?? Why didn't she come with me as far as the door to the X-ray room and wait there with my teddy bear for me?? I do know that a few decades ago hospitals etc. weren't so geared towards child-friendly medical procedures, but M could've made this situation better for me.

Another connected realisation in the past few days: M and F when I confronted them with stuff in the past, (if they didn't go into denial and/or blame me) they'd say "if we'd known, we would have helped you, defended you." Or "if only we'd thought about helping you at the time..." (only if the situations concerned somebody outside FOO, of course), but I don't remember situations where they did actually defend or help me. I mean, little 5yo me was very ill for weeks, and we'd just moved back to a city in a country I didn't really remember, from a village where there were no buildings anything like as big as the one our doctor and the blood draw/X-ray rooms for several doctors were in. Yet M didn't consider taking me by the hand and walking with me to the X-ray room. I'm flabbergasted thinking about that.

A further realisation: this is relational trauma response in a medical setting. The relational part was at least as devastating as the medical part, probably more so.

[sanmagic7]

wow, blueberry - some major realizations there.  i can relate to having to negotiate doctor stuff as a child w/o help from my folks.  didn't think too much about it at the time, just did what i was told.  but, yeah, looking back, it can have a great impact on us when we go thru something similar as adults.  this stuff is amazing sometimes, how our relationships have affected non-relational experiences but are somehow connected nonetheless.

poo on those receptionists - how thoroughly unprofessional!     they're supposed to be there to calm and comfort a patient, not try to lay guilt or anger on them.  sucks!

once again, may i say how well you are handling these experiences you've been going thru.     all credit to you and the work you've done to make this kind of progress.  sending love and a hug full of admiration!

[Blueberry]

Thank you san

I came back on to note two further concrete, beneficial steps I've done today, one of which had been hanging over me for a while. I finally took my 'new' glasses back to the optician's and demanded a refund. The optician asked what was wrong with them, why I couldn't see properly. I listed a few things and I allowed the annoyance to show in my voice. I wasn't rude and I didn't go overboard with anger, but I didn't hide my annoyance either. After all, I've been back to them twice about my 'new' glasses which I have had since mid-August. I got my money back and am now wearing my old glasses which aren't perfect either - there were a couple of reasons for getting new glasses after all. But at least my old glasses did function as they were meant to for a good number of years and if I spent hundreds of euros on them (I can't remember) then that was about 5 years ago. Hundreds of euros on glasses that don't work new isn't OK, obviously. But I was expecting trouble and denial etc. so hadn't had the guts/emotional strength to go back a third time and say: No way.

The other was on the way home about 50 metres from the house something in the garbage caught my eye: somebody had thrown my old flyers' holder from my office window ledge away, including the flyers. They aren't my business flyers, they're there to advertise a non-profit initiative around town that I'm involved in and support. My business flyers' holder was removed from out front two times which must have taken some work since it was nailed to the wall. Since then it's in a less conspicuous place and hasn't been removed. The non-profit flyers aren't nailed to the wall though. My ll might not allow that and anyway I do want my business stuff more visible.

Anyway without wondering or pausing, I grabbed my non-profit flyers and their holder out of the garbage and put them back on the outside window ledge with a stickie saying me, the business owner, allows them there, so please leave them.
I added on the side of the holder, in case anybody really gets into it, that there are other places out front that could be tidied up and cleaned if somebody is really keen.

It might even have been the business neighbour though we do not share window ledges! He also smokes out front, especially in front of my windows, and leaves all sorts of mess, which I haven't complained about. But somebody could certainly clear that up first or clean the steps, also smokers' mess.

Anyway,  for acting and not wondering if I should or could or whatever.

[Snowdrop]

I had a big smile on my face when I read about you grabbing the flyers and holder back. Quite right!

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I felt a big groan inside of me when I read about your glasses. That has been a struggle for so long and I'm very sorry it is still not resolve. I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself at the optician's, allowing yourself to express your anger without "going overboard."

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone It's really helpful you say you feel proud of me. I think I felt happy yesterday and relieved and I noted I took a beneficial step but I didn't note that I could feel proud of myself for managing, and proud of one or more Little Blueberries. They weren't up front, I was totally in my Adult, but one or more was undoubtedly scared of the possible reaction of the optician and staff. Feel fear in my gut as I write that. Soooo the tiredness I feel this morning is possibly more connected to that than to choir practice yesterday evening. Now I know what to work on at least and understand why I had (and still have) a craving for certain foods. I didn't give in to that yesterday evening before choir practice, I sorted out my sheet music instead    and left the house in good time for choir practice.

You know, I feel as if it's half-resolved. I have my money back (I hope - I didn't get it in cash), I didn't have to fight and argue and prove, or deal with any compromise suggestions, like this optician making new glasses from scratch rather than refunding my money. No, I have my money back and will be able to try one of 2 opticians that were recommended to me. And I plan to go back to normal glasses, no varifocals for me, they confuse my eyes too much.

[sanmagic7]

you're beautiful, blueberry!  well done!   this has me smiling right now - you, taking back your power.  and i agree, you have every right to be proud of yourself - i'm proud of you, too.   

i'm curious as to what might the other half of resolution might be?  is it that you still don't have the glasses you need? 

bb, honestly, you are making so much progress.  it's a delight to behold!  sending love and a hug filled with 'keep on going!'

[Blueberry]

Thank you san so much for commenting Making me smile on a day I don't feel very well! Smiling is good for you, they say, so long as it's a real smile and not faked. Mine is so real rn.

Yes, the other half of the resolution is getting the glasses I do need. My old ones which I'm wearing now are no longer good. Among other things I tripped and landed flat on my face in the summer, scratching one of my glass lenses across uneven, rough sidewalk so now there are fairly deep scratches permanently on the right-hand lense. Also my eye sight had deteriorated a bit by last summer from whenever I last got new glasses. Still, my brain and right eye are getting on better with my old glasses than either of my eyes and brain got on with the defective new ones.

Yes, you're right, I am making tons of progress atm even though there are downer days like today! I do need a bit of a vent though, so will do.

[Blueberry]

I need a vent!:

I wish I could un-invite a couple of people coming to my party tomorrow afternoon. I feel so stressed about some people's behaviour before they even come! One friend (about whom my T once said "you have friends who treat you like this??" NTS!!!) seems to be trying to organise my party for me in advance. She can be quite bossy, it's one of her bad sides. She's either trying to be helpful or well, trying to organise me. She asked me a few days ago if I had enough plates. Instead of saying plain and simple. "Yes, thank you I do", I said that there won't be any plates. So she said quite huffily and gruffly, "Well, you'd better have paper napkins then." Thank you. Your help is not required, I have my own head and ideas, and plans. It's my birthday, my party, my decisions. I didn't say all that, but if she starts trying to organise things on Sat. afternoon, or just stating loudly what she wants, I may well state a boundary. The very first thing she asked me after she accepted the invitation, was whether I had a particular game and if not she could lend it to me. So, a pretty huge hint she wants to play that game. It's not possible though with my space limitations combined with the number of people on Sat. afternoon. If she argues that one or gets huffy, I will state a boundary. Then after my birthday, I'll demote her to the status of acquaintance and won't invite her next year or any other time I celebrate. Too much stress. She probably reminds me somewhat of M and B1. Yup, the inner head is nodding.

Then another friend and her husband have decided to come after all, though I was pretty sure they wouldn't because they have so much going on this coming weekend, something I'd known about in advance. Yesterday in fact I phoned to say that I need to know NOW. They might be able to handle spontaneous arrivals and departures, but I can't. I said that too. Then out of the blue this friend started telling me how great it is that a certain tree in Australia has survived the fires. Well, it is great of course (really!), but did she have to tell me right then? I set a limit there too. "Quite enough to do atm, can't stay chatting on the phone." This friend has her heart in the right place, I'd say, but often her need to chatter overrules all that. She can talk the hind legs off a donkey and it stresses me. I haven't really decided what to do about her in general. She is a dear friend, we do have a lot of interests and activities in common, but it's really hard for me in general when people talk when we're meant to be quiet, which she does in choir practice, though she's not the only one and we don't sit next to each other either. It's as if she's a bit hyperactive. OK, I get it, as an image of B1 flits through my head: her behaviour sometimes reminds me of his behaviour. It's like a need for attention. Man, this stuff is so hard. 

Both of these two friends are coming Sat. afternoon, when the most number of people will be here. Seven plus me. May not sound a lot but for the space and for playing games round a table, it's a lot. And for me it's a lot. I thought to myself this morning, that if I get very tired and stressed, I could just send most of them home an hour early. This is sort of what another friend suggested (in a caring way, not a bossy way) about my games weekend in general. She isn't coming till Sunday afternoon and she said she hoped the whole weekend wouldn't be too much for me, but that if it got that way and I started collapsing, then that would be the end mid-weekend if need be. Her saying that helps me decide i can send most home early if Sat. afternoon is too much.

On the upside, there will be only 5 of us on Sat. eve and I don't have the feeling that certain people might be vying for attention. I'm looking forward to Sat eve, I think it'll be good. Sunday I'm looking forward to too, though there are still a few uncertainties. At most though 6 people including me at one time. Also more people who seem to appreciate how big this is for me, what a step forward and are helping in a useful way.

OK, now that I understand what some of the deeper issues are, I could go off and do some EFT.

[Snowdrop]

While I was reading your post, a paraphrase of something a friend once told me popped into my head: "attending your birthday party is a privilege, not a right". I applaud you for recognising actual and potential boundary issues.

It's also great to hear how caring and supportive other friends are.

I hope it goes well and you have a great time.  and

[Blueberry]

"attending your birthday party is a privilege, not a right". I applaud you for recognising actual and potential boundary issues.

Thanks Snowdrop, that's really helpful to read   See, there I am smiling again, grinning from ear to ear in fact.

I've just been doing more prep and I feel good while doing that. It helps me stay grounded and not worried about things.  I didn't even do any EFT - venting and then running a few errands outside helped me enough to get back to my tasks.

[sanmagic7]

well done, blueberry!

and, happy, happy birthday!      what a gift you're giving yourself, by standing up to bossy people and doing your party your way!   

i've found that, at times, too, that doing something physical can help me thru some rocky times.  laundry and dishes often do the trick for me.

enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!      have a great time!  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Wishing you a very happy birthday Blueberry 

I hope that all your events that you've planned go well and you enjoy them. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

      

Happy birthday, Blueberry. I hope that the weekend is relatively stress free. I hope you feel honored and loved.