Taking those concrete beneficial steps

MoonBeam · February 09, 2020, 08:51:46 PM

Blueberry. I was really struck when reading your post at how wise you've become with discerning your needs and claiming your right to take care of you! I love that.

I also was thinking that it sounded like your "gut" or inner instinct, inner guidance system, was speaking to you, letting you know what you needed to do to take care of you and even though you had the conversation with self and perhaps a bit of the iCr getting involved as well, you listened to the healthy self-care part. I've been thinking lately about that inner knowing, the "listening to our hearts" and how it always seems to know, but how hard it has been to learn to even hear, much less listen to, or trust that guiding force. The non Icr inner voice.

Anyway. a big hardy good job and thanks so much for sharing.

Blueberry · February 10, 2020, 11:25:03 PM

Snowdrop, notalone and MoonBeam - thanks for all your comments and good wishes. I'm glad I stayed home last night and didn't go up to the farm. Better be safe than sorry. The worst part of the storm was in the middle of the night and early morning but in the evening on a bicycle or even on the bus I would have been vulnerable. In the countries I grew up in, the police or authorities used to sometimes say "Folks, please just stay home if at all possible!" Lots of trees have come down round here, including a big one in our garden - fortunately it didn't land on any buildings.

This evening it sounds worse outside than last night, when I didn't even hear that huge tree come down. There's another tree that doesn't look too well-rooted either. I'm not sure if it could hit the house or not, if it fell this way. But it can't hit the front of the house where my office is so that's why I've come back here and onto the computer

MoonBeam thanks for pointing out my progress to me, progress in ways I hadn't really noticed as well as the nuances of learning to hear and then listen to and trust that guiding force. My inner guiding force, healthy self-care, (sometimes just called 'instinct of self-preservation' I think) is one of the things that was so nearly destroyed by the emotional and psychological abuse I grew up with. So it's good for me to know that you see it! It must be growing again. Well, it is.

I'm thinking back to an occasion at school. I must have been 16 or 17 and I'd just come off stage in a drama production, carrying a lantern with a candle in it. Somebody came towards me and shoved the lantern inside my cape (so no members of the audience could see me), the next person who encountered me grabbed the lantern and pulled it out (presumably to stop me setting myself or the cape on fire). If a third person had come along and put the lantern back inside my cape, I would have let that happen. Usually at home with FOO whatever decision I made would have been met with ridicule, derision, scorn and "don't be so stupid". So yes, you're correct, MoonBeam I'm claiming my right to take care of me!

Thanks for giving me the words for it.

san, I just wanted to add that your message which reminded me to be careful was helpful today too: Today I did think of my parents because both their country and mine are in the midst of severe weather warnings. I did have an impulse to reach out via email with "hope you're OK, I am" but I desisted. I reached out to a few people locally instead.

MoonBeam · February 11, 2020, 04:20:47 AM

Blueberry. So glad you are safe and sound. And thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for all you went through with your FOO. You are a lovely being, a wise, brave and strong you!

Blueberry · February 13, 2020, 03:46:39 PM

I have a cold but it doesn't feel as bad as usual because I'm not in an EF at the same time. Suddenly felt this difference today!

I had an appointment today about my advertising and asked the graphic design artist if she'd take a photo of me then and there, which she did. Took lots of different photos of me. Of course some I had my eyes closed or this or that, but there were quite a number which I could look at and sort of accept that that's how I look. I managed to smile and look relaxed in at least 2 or 3. It will be a further step choosing the final one and then seeing it in print in my flyer. But hey, all a big improvement on last time I got flyers printed

. The discussion was productive too.

MoonBeam · February 13, 2020, 06:07:02 PM

That is super exciting Blueberry.

On all fronts!

Not Alone · February 14, 2020, 12:01:14 AM

Blueberry · February 14, 2020, 09:53:38 PM

Thanks for your encouragement MoonBeam and notalone!

I came back on really just to help give myself the impetus to get on with a few small jobs, very small ones. This is one of the many ways in which OOTS helps me. One the one hand I feel kind of stuck atm, on the other hand I'm managing to get on with a few jobs bit by bit which helps me not get stuck, and on top of that I'm still teaching, despite having a cold.

sanmagic7 · February 15, 2020, 01:00:48 AM

hope you feel better real soon, sweetie. and, good for you for finding that motivation to do even a few small things. sometimes that can be a very big deal. love and hugs

Blueberry · February 15, 2020, 10:20:15 PM

Thank you for that reminder san! My cold has got worse but it still is just that: a cold. Not a cold plus EF, which is apparently what I always used to have. What a difference! Today I managed to get more done than yesterday. Just keeping going with small things e.g. washing the dishes, laundry x2, emptying garbages, some cleaning and tidying and I've just sent a couple of FOO emails. Hoping for more clarity. Also had a chat with a few people I met about town

Blueberry · February 16, 2020, 05:29:18 PM

No response yet to those FOO emails. Maybe there never will be. Who knows. I had bad dreams on account of sending them though. F was in a rage and punishing me the way I was punished as a child. Physical punishment which was also designed to degrade and humiliate. Though not half as brutal as physical punishment done to others on here, it worked, obviously, or I wouldn't have been having those bad dreams last night and it wouldn't be taking me so long to stand up for myself in FOO.

In the dream I was witness to the punishment happening to a younger me. I didn't rescue younger me, but I did wake up. I explained to younger me about being grown up now and F not being able to do anything like that anymore. What younger me wanted to know was whether she'd be safe from contact with parents and the rest of nuclear FOO for ever. Yes. The response has to be Yes. This is the sort of safety my Inner Children have far more idea about the necessity of than Adult me does. In my Adult I felt some sadness - maybe that's mourning Idk - but I know my IC(s) are right in this.

Keeping younger me(s) safe from FOO for ever entails no mediation. Not that I was considering it anyway, it was more thinking how to explain to somebody else how impossible it is and that, no, it's not 'my fault'. If anything it's the fault of the whole dysfunctional family system.

I went down into the garden to empty my compost but then I stayed out there for quite a while, cleaning up both dead twigs and branches that came down in last week's storm and dead plant life I didn't cut back in autumn. I discovered more snowdrops coming up but also tiny dandelions and ground elder, which means I'll soon be back in the garden harvesting my greens

It did me good being out in the fresh air, doing simple jobs with my hands. It also was undoubtedly good to be doing that kind of grounding, nature activity after all those bad dreams.

sanmagic7 · February 17, 2020, 04:18:20 AM

it's beginning to look like spring here, too, blueberry - seeing those early flowers somehow moves my spirit. gardening was always something i looked forward to after the winter.

sounds like an awful dream - i'm just glad it's not reality anymore. love and hugs!

Hope67 · February 18, 2020, 09:36:50 AM

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug today

When I am more articulate I'd want to say more, but can't find the words just now. I'm glad you got out in the fresh air and that it was grounding and I hope the bad dreams will leave you alone.
Hope

Blueberry · February 18, 2020, 01:47:30 PM

Thank you Hope and san

I'm certainly having strange dreams again, the strangest being: I gave birth and was wondering how on earth I managed to get pregnant without noticing?? Virgin birth? It was a baby girl. I planned to give her up for adoption, but had her with me in my apartment for a day, where I lost her. The way I lose pens, papers and that kind of thing.

There were other dreams where there was a 'feeling' of FOO being around. Not that I could pinpoint it.

I feel very sluggish but I'm teaching in half an hour so I had better get organised for that.

Snowdrop · February 18, 2020, 01:54:05 PM

I heard recently that when you dream of a child, the child is often a part, even if you're unaware of that in the dream. I don't know if that sheds light on any of the dreams you've been having.

I hope you're recovering from your cold.

Blueberry · February 19, 2020, 06:32:17 AM

Thanks Snowdrop, I've heard that too.

_________________________________________________
I feel stuck atm so I'm going to write a few good things to focus on.

I probably mentioned one of my neighbours put a fridge in the basement running off the communal electricity, which I told her she'd have to compensate me for. She has actually removed the whole fridge! Things are often difficult in this building but it feels good when I actually make some headway.

I still have a cold but the cold itself is not giving me an EF.
I felt warm enough last night.
There are no storm warnings today (yet) so I will make it to therapy.
Even though I feel stuck and lots of decision-making seems urgent, I can remind myself that it's not as urgent as it seems. I can put various decisions off till next week.