Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

I'm doing better today in general than I was yesterday. Little things have helped me. I washed my office windows and finally put a poster up (about covid) that was meant to go up last week. I managed to tidy up a little, in my apartment too. I also put better clothes on, office work clothes, or as much as I ever do. I also started washing the dishes, managed to prepare my lesson in advance and then teach by phone. But I could have tried some of those things yesterday (e.g. the more respectable clothes) and it still wouldn't have (or in the case of the clothes didn't) make any difference. So in retrospect, it sounds to me like a bit of an EF.

Today I'm back to reminding myself that it's quite OK if I don't get any new students in the next weeks because semi-isolation and doing my part and my best to not spread anything around is most important. Even if a missive from FOO seemed to remind me I 'should' be getting my act together to get financial support somewhere else. FOO not knowing or caring that those types of messages just pile on the pressure and don't help at all.

I've been avoiding the garden for the most part today, though I did sit out twice with my mug of tea while having a break from computer work. But mostly it's good for me and my peace of mind to let the new neighbours work in the parts of the garden where we discussed. I was really pleasantly surprised that they want to leave some shrubs along a fence to create some privacy and that instead of cutting a rose down, they dug it out and re-planted it in what seems a better place. I think that's all cool

In other places I think it's a shame they're removing a blue flowering plant which is very attractive to bees and which I think is really pretty too, but otoh it does tend to spread rather. So this is something I'm practising letting go. It's a pity but it's OK. They've agreed though that my beds, which border part of their bit, can stay as they are. They're not expecting me to clear them up to their standards of perfection within the next 10 days or in fact ever. So it was good I spoke up about that. I've also thanked them for taking on some of the garden work and they realised through talking to me that getting along in a shared garden is not quite as easy as you might think, that it's important to talk about wants, needs, expectations. So I am feeling better about all that.

Yesterday I had a chat to a friend I hadn't spoken to in a while, another friend phoned me, and then of course I spoke to  3 different neighbours, and had a helpful phone appointment with my GP. It seemed all that helped me get moving on things today or rather helped me out of my EF-y state.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday evening I finally did some T homework since T appt this morning. It was helpful to have tried it out because then I could tell my T this morning how the homework helped and in what ways it was difficult. These difficult aspects are certainly part of what leads me to shy away from doing the homework. I'm meant to do 3 rounds of the exercise, I only did 2 but that really helped as well because at least I was able to go to sleep right away afterwards. 

[sanmagic7]

congrats on doing 2 out of 3 parts of your T homework, blueberry.  well done!   plus, i'm glad it was helpful as well.

talking about your neighbors and the garden just shows one more example of why communication is so important.  even about gardens, sharing space, the why's and wherefores of what's being done or not.  i'm glad you were able to talk to them.  it seems like it's working out well all the way around.  way to go, sweetie.   love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
that you did two out of three of your homework, and your neighbours sound like they are careful with the garden, which sounds like a positive thing. 

to you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you san and Hope. 

Well, it's certainly a learning experience with the garden, a learning experience for me in better communication, though I do note I tend to revert to unhealthy methods of communication, like bad-mouthing the neighbour who tends to spread and spread into others' areas and pretend she didn't know. At least I'm aware of it though now, so I can work on stopping that. I probably need to do a round or two of eFT on that, accepting myself inspite of it. And it's certainly a learning experience for me in not giving in and giving up part of my area because it sounds as if somebody possibly thinks I should, before anybody has even directly asked if I would. Even if they asked, I could still explain my point of view and then try for a compromise. I wouldn't have to just acquiesce the way I learned in FOO. I feel a bit embarrassed about beginning to recognise and do these kinds of things so late in life, but otoh I do know that it was FOO emotional, verbal, psychological abuse that got me in this state and progressing is part of trauma recovery, it's not something I can learn in a weekend seminar on communication skills. Because that's pretty much all cognitive and I need a feeling of security in order to make changes on an emotional level.

Friday, Sun, and Monday are all statutory holidays here, so when I'm not following church services on YouTube   I have lots of time for practising the therapy methods of today and last week and of course practising them on topics of the moment. I feel better able to do that firstly because of the T session today and secondly because I did a little yesterday evening sitting up on my bed and that seemed to be a good place for me (!) though I'm sure most people wouldn't recommend it. But otherwise I tend to find something else to do in another part of my apartment and/or I can't just sit down and do my therapy exercises, I can't sit still and concentrate. 

My T suggested I use an adaptation of Screen Processing to ease my contact to my little niece and god-daughter, who has been on my mind again for a particular reason. I can understand why this method will probably bring me clarity, especially emotional clarity as opposed to "What should I do now?" and also particularly give me strength.

[Blueberry]

though I do note I tend to revert to unhealthy methods of communication, like bad-mouthing the neighbour who tends to spread and spread into others' areas and pretend she didn't know. At least I'm aware of it though now, so I can work on stopping that. I probably need to do a round or two of eFT on that, accepting myself inspite of it.

Once again, I did my EFT in bed at night, in fact lying there instead of sitting since I was using the method familiar to me and not the more complex method my T has been teaching me the past two times. I yawned a lot and then fell asleep, feeling more at peace with my failings.

In the night I dreamt I was having a phone conversation with B2. The call was going the usual FOO way of accusing me of using the wrong words so that there was a misunderstanding and that I should have used different words and then B2 going off on some tangent accusing me of not having a proper job and not trying to get one and then me explaining that no, I'm not lazy, no, I'm not even unemployed, I'm just too unwell to work enough hours regularly to earn my keep. So there was me in full swing again, JADEing away (JADE=Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Of course B2 continued on in measured tones and I had the impulse to put the phone down. I had to really gather my courage so I ended up listening to some more of his measured tones but finally I managed to simply put the phone down, ending the conversation and protecting myself. 

In some ways that was continuing work started in my T session, though processing it in a different way from in T. Partially B2 is in my mind because it's my little niece's birthday today and I do aim to contact her via B2's email. Writing that shows me now how important it is for me to do the exercise similar to Screen Processing that my T suggested yesterday.

[Blueberry]

I did my Screen Processing and went onto send a message to my niece.

The response which came today is so typical, it's laughable. I received the email with Easter pics sent to FOO mbrs and the other non-FOO godparents. Yes, of course I like to get photos of my nieces especially my god-daughter, but I only get them as a 'reward' for having functioned (or something like that) and as acknowledgement that I sent my god-daughter something, I don't get them as I had asked in order to help me maintain some contact and relationship with my god-daughter.

[Blueberry]

The response which came today is so typical, it's laughable.

I think I meant more 'predictable' than 'typical', sort of anyway. The Screen Processing helped me not just with the email I wrote but also aftermath. I'm more distanced, I'm not running my email through my mind wondering if a word was wrong or stupid or... or even wondering what B and SIL made of it, thought about it.

_______________________________________
I'm making progress again in the building I live in. The topic I mention here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11765.msg99702#msg99702 - there was progress in that! I had the courage and strength to phone my neighbour again and then instead of giving in or humming and hawing, I threatened him right away with complaining to our ll if he didn't come and close his window on the ground floor (level with the ground). Further progress: I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed or in the wrong. Other times I used to know cognitively that I certainly had a point, but I could only feel wrong. Last year with the mice problem, it took me a few weeks to threaten I'd report to the ll. I wish I didn't have to make such threats, but they do seem to work Talking to my ll might not have worked though, but I didn't have to. 

Yesterday a spot more progress - one neighbour of mine is not very good with boundaries putting it mildly. She doesn't accept other people's. She spreads and spreads in the shared garden, in the shared basement and including into places she is not allowed such as the toilet for the businesses. I have told her (and any of her visiting FOO mbrs) that they aren't allowed to use it, but she doesn't care and her mother even gets really angry and tells me off. It may sound picky to some, but a business toilet has to be kept clean, and toilet paper and cleaning supplies provided. My business doesn't generate a lot of money - it's a struggle for me. And cleaning triggers me and exhausts me and I really object to somebody just going ahead and using space that is only for me and the other business especially when this somebody just takes it for granted and never, ever provides a package of toilet paper or offers to clean. And now with covid, I don't want to share more areas than I need to with other people, and places I do have to share I'm cleaning more often than I ever have done before and disinfecting as well. Afaik, I'm the only one in the bldg cleaning and disinfecting light switches, door handles etc in shared areas like basement and stair well. It shouldn't be that way. Maybe I'll have the strength to tackle that as well in the next few days and ask at least one person if he could do some handyman chore and block up some holes to help keep pest rodents out of the bldg.

Yesterday 3 of her FOO mbrs turned up to help her with her garden space. I spoke to one of them, with whom I can exchange a word w/o both of us getting an allergic reaction, saying that none of their family are actually allowed to use the toilet anyway but especially during covid19 - please keep out! I saw though that one of them had used it, possibly before I spoke to the family mbr, but to me it doesn't matter because the mother and daughter know, I've said it often enough, they just don't care. So seeing that one of them had used it, I stuck a large hand-written note on yellow paper on the toilet door forbidding anybody other than the 2 businesses in the building to use it. That's something I've thought about doing before but always get myself in check in case I look "ridiculous" and as I write that I have an image of B1 in my head. Yup, he's one mbr of my FOO who ridiculed and mocked me for my attempts to protect myself, my boundaries, my things, my space, my time, my dignity.

So, I was working in the garden yesterday too and overheard some of the family of the spread-all-over-the-garden neighbour sighing loudly when they went into the basement, probably because they read my sign. Then I knew another reason why it had been so difficult for me up till yesterday. These sorts of loud sighs were made my M, F and B1 when I defended myself (unless they went straight to hitting, yelling, ridiculing etc instead). Those sighs expressed all sorts of things about me, none of it good, none of it accepting me or my pov or anything like that and those sighs expressed impatience towards me and other things undoubtedly that I don't even want to feel into rn. I remember now M, F and B1 would also say loudly "Oh no, here we go again!" As if they never repeated themselves. And anyway, I brought whatever up again because it hadn't been addressed, it hadn't been dealt with - I had just been made to shut up and the situation was continuing. So this neighbour and her family were sighing in a similar way, and I'm pretty sure for a similar reason. I know from T now that exhaling helps express anger, helps get anger out of your system though I'm learning to use it when I'm processing anger rather than in dialogue with somebody.

The situation would also have been a bit triggering yesterday because it would have reminded me (on some subconscious level) of all FOO mbrs ganging up on me behind my back to say how ridiculous and difficult I was and make snide remarks. In that way it was an outlet for aggression instead of keeping it to themselves or maybe just finally accepting my boundary, which applies to my neighbour and my own FOO.

Next time the tailor neighbour comes (he only comes to the bldg atm if a customer phones him), he'll probably complain too or say that others can use the business toilet, he will allow them to. Well, then - sigh - I'll need a show-down with him as well because the law is on my side. One party can't alter a rental agreement without the other party agreeing, otherwise it's status quo: the toilet is for the businesses only as stated in the business rental agreements.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

just want to say well done on all the work you've been doing, all the processing going on, and all the progress you've made.  fabulous!

stuff like the sighs you mentioned, ack!  that's so passive aggressive, so manipulative.  poo on them!  actually, the poo would probably be good for the garden, do more good there than on them, but still . . .   i hate those kinds of games.

i'm also glad your screen processing has helped w/ those mind games after the fact with that email.  i've gone thru that so many times, and it's just no good for anything!  sending much love, my dear, and a hug filled w/ rest after all you've been doing (including the neighbor!     that was great! )   

[Blueberry]

Thanks san

_________________________
This morning I feel just so sick of all this! The garden-spreader has extended her garden bit again and unfortunately I can't just shrug and let it go because I have long experience of other people in my building and the neighbouring one simply moving into my bit. Not necessarily to garden (though that has happened too), but set up a table and chairs and do things the way I wouldn't e.g throwing cigarette stubs on the grass or pouring beer out, allowing a visitor's dog to run around and poo on my bit, or clean the paint brush on my grass etc etc. Although my grass looks not especially lawn-like so people might assume it doesn't matter (though they could ask), there's a fair scattering of wild flowers and wild herbs in it, some of which I eat and others of which I just like to see, or quite often I pick a few flowers and put them in my office or apartment. The mother of the garden-spreader, who seems to be the real boss and driver in that apartment though she lives in a totally different town and has her own large garden there, told me last year that only ll can prevent her extending her garden bit, it's none of anybody else's business.  The ll for that bit of the garden she is in is actually the ll for the neighbouring house, tho he was our ll for a few years too. I am gearing up to contact him about it, since he is apparently the only one who is permitted to stop the garden-spreaders, though generally the lls like to keep out of that kind of discussion and leave it to us tenants.

As I was writing I realised not for the first time how reminiscent it all is of FOO, though I recognised it on a deeper level now.

People who don't know the situation here will suggest I up sticks and move but I know that would entail a whole bunch of other problems, not least of which is finding any apartment of similar price, far less one of my size with a garden, with an inside spot for my bike and centrally-located (important if you don't have a car). There is a dirth of low-price rental accommodation in my town and neighbouring towns. There are other problems too, including having the energy to move at all. I know my friends here would say "Please stay where you are!" A fence or other barrier is not really the answer for a number of reasons I won't go into. And although it is strenuous and I'm sick of it this morning, I am making progress in negotiating and in sticking up for myself.

[sanmagic7]

yes, you definitely are making progress, especially with sticking up for yourself.  and what a huge realization about the similarity between neighbors and foo - i was able to see disrespect (both in general and in particular of your boundaries), dismissing you, as if you have less rights than they do, and acting in a demeaning manner toward you - really? they don't even have the manners to clean up after their own dog?  ugh! 

even the idea of you moving never came to my mind - i've moved too many times in my life, i know what a hassle it is from start to finish.  i just hope you'll be able to claim your space, and may i say, if i were there, i'd tell those neighbors to BACK OFF!  (i don't want to take any of your power away, but i'm mad  that they're acting in such a crummy fashion toward you and your space.)

standing right beside you with this, my dear.  i really don't like uncaring, slobby people like that.      love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

I am making progress in negotiating and in sticking up for myself.

You are! This stands out to me from everything you've written recently.

[Not Alone]

As I was writing I realised not for the first time how reminiscent it all is of FOO, though I recognised it on a deeper level now.

I am making progress in negotiating and in sticking up for myself.

A difficult situation multiplied many times because of your FOO. I applaud your insights and progress. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, Snowdrop and notalone so so much for your caring words and validation. It really means a lot and really helps me as well. 

and what a huge realization about the similarity between neighbors and foo - i was able to see disrespect (both in general and in particular of your boundaries), dismissing you, as if you have less rights than they do, and acting in a demeaning manner toward you - really? they don't even have the manners to clean up after their own dog?  ugh! 

san, thank you so much for listing what you see. It's often hard for me to name how people are acting towards me. It's a bit like either I can feel it or I can say what happened in a huge, long story (sometimes I can do both of those now together) but I can't pinpoint it the way you do there: disrespect, demeaning, dismissing. As if those concepts are missing for me somehow.

even the idea of you moving never came to my mind - i've moved too many times in my life, i know what a hassle it is from start to finish. 

Thank you for saying that! If I were to attempt to move, it would probably be so difficult for me, I wouldn't be able to do any paid work for a number of months. I do know myself and my limitations pretty well.

may i say, if i were there, i'd tell those neighbors to BACK OFF!  (i don't want to take any of your power away, but i'm mad  that they're acting in such a crummy fashion toward you and your space.)

It helps me that you say that! I really wish an ll would do that! My current ll told me to back off when I was trying to get him to re-install my wooden shutters he had taken off. He threatened me that he'd become difficult if I continued being 'difficult'. As I write that, I realise once again - that's so like FOO. Another mbr on OOTF commented on how my parents behaved when I began to ignore B1 completely because it was the only way left to me to show that I objected to his treatment of me (included PA when I was in my late teens) that it was 'interesting parenting'. I showed a healthy boundary (objecting to abuse) and my parents took B1's side and ganged up on me. This is sort of what goes on here too.

My parents were always going on about me being 'difficult'. It often simply meant that I was defending myself. Sometimes I might have been crying or also being argumentative, but FOO was very argumentative - that's where I learnt it! It was the only way to exist in FOO

I end up thinking that there must be something wrong with me if I always end up having disagreements with people in this building or the neighbouring one (who use the garden). Though probably the only thing I do wrong is exude an air of "Hello Narcs, I can't defend myself, so go ahead and make my life difficult. Please trample all over my boundaries!" If I'm doing that, it's part of cptsd, so not a 'character fault' or personality deficit. It's not on me!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I really hope that your space can be preserved and your feelings and rights to enjoy your space be valued.  For some reason, I keep thinking about that beautiful blue or purple plant you mentioned - I'm going by memory here, but I think you mentioned one that attracts bees etc, and how the neighbours had decided to remove it, and I felt some anger towards them for doing that - wanted to share that thought/reflection with you. 

to you Blueberry.
Hope