Hello

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Bloatis

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Hello
« on: July 21, 2019, 11:40:24 PM »
I don't actually know whether I am a real person. All of my feelings seem so fake. Because I find it so hard to know what I feel about anything. Of course I have moments of excitement. It really seems like I am  a facsimile.  This been going on all of my adult life. I am also drinking myself into an early grave. I  have a past of : a mother who suffered a nervous breakdown, which developed into paranoid schizophrenia. That day was really crap and frightening at 7 years old. One day that I hate to talk about 2 weeks after the breakdown. One day when she said go to your grandparents (across our town, way off  in the 70's)  So I did that. And came back to find her unresponsive. Suicide day. Called the ambulance, police etc. Too late
 Father did his best. Eventually met a new person. Except they were  a vile nasty horrible violent abusive awful person. This went on for years. I don't want to seem like a moaner or a weak person, but I have been struggling with this all of my life since then. The abuse certainly made life a * of a lot worse. I'm sorry if this is a crap introduce post, but its the best I can do. I joined this group to hopefully find some kindred spirits

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Bloatis

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2019, 11:51:31 PM »
And I guess this is the only place in the whole world where I could say any of this. Don't want to seem like a moaner, but I am really struggling.

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Tee

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2019, 11:59:44 PM »
 :wave: welcome Bloatis. 
« Last Edit: July 22, 2019, 02:22:58 AM by Tee »

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woodsgnome

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2019, 12:23:49 AM »
Hi, Bloatis ...

Yours was not in any way a 'crap' intro post. Being totally honest about our experiences is a strength of this website and forum. Most on here have been through too much not to give ourselves a chance with people who can empathize with the feelings you describe.

What you wrote indicates you're more than ready for some hope as you try to get your life back together. This doesn't make you a 'moanier' ... but a strong abuse survivor seeking compassion and understanding. 

So please take care -- here you're among friends who know how bleak life can get, and how it's at least one step ahead to finally feel safe about sharing, hard as it is. 
« Last Edit: July 22, 2019, 12:29:19 AM by woodsgnome »

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Three Roses

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2019, 01:41:20 AM »
Yours was most certainly NOT a crap post! It was honest, and you're struggling, and this is a place where we can be heard. (and just my opinion - your post didn't need a trigger warning.)

We've been told not to talk about our pain by our abusers. The secrecy kept them safe. You get to talk about whatever you need to, here. The feeling that you have that you're moaning comes from having your feelings dismissed and your pain minimized.

There is even a term we have for that feeling of not being a real person - "depersonalization", and there's also "derealization". Here's a link to our Glossary so you can read about them if you want - https://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/

I'm glad you found us and really glad that you're beginning to open up. You'll find a community of people who've been thru what you have, and can understand your pain and talk about it with you.  :hug: :hug:
« Last Edit: July 22, 2019, 01:58:04 AM by Three Roses »

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notalone

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2019, 02:51:51 AM »
I have tears in my eyes over the horrible things you have experienced. Not a "crap introduction" at all. You are very welcome here.

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holidayay

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Re: Hello
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2019, 11:07:41 PM »
I don't actually know whether I am a real person. All of my feelings seem so fake. Because I find it so hard to know what I feel about anything. Of course I have moments of excitement. It really seems like I am  a facsimile.  This been going on all of my adult life. I am also drinking myself into an early grave. I  have a past of : a mother who suffered a nervous breakdown, which developed into paranoid schizophrenia. That day was really crap and frightening at 7 years old. One day that I hate to talk about 2 weeks after the breakdown. One day when she said go to your grandparents (across our town, way off  in the 70's)  So I did that. And came back to find her unresponsive. Suicide day. Called the ambulance, police etc. Too late
 Father did his best. Eventually met a new person. Except they were  a vile nasty horrible violent abusive awful person. This went on for years. I don't want to seem like a moaner or a weak person, but I have been struggling with this all of my life since then. The abuse certainly made life a * of a lot worse. I'm sorry if this is a crap introduce post, but its the best I can do. I joined this group to hopefully find some kindred spirits

Hello Bloatis,

There is nothing crap about your post a lot. You have been through SO much and deserve to be heard. I'm new around here too, still figuring my way around the site but I read your post and just had to comment - I want you to know that I could see your pain and difficulties from your post. I hope you continue to write more - I will pop back and read whenever you may decide to. Sending you hugs  :hug:

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Bloatis

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Re: Hello
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2019, 09:33:48 PM »
Tears. I was scared to even look back on this forum, after writing down stuff that I have never in my life told people. Thank you all. I think I will find it difficult still to talk with people on here, but at least it may be a possibility. Very kind of you all

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Three Roses

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Re: Hello
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2019, 10:20:52 PM »
No problem, Bloatis. We're glad you're here, just move at your own pace. Pushing your limits can lead to re-injury and set backs. It took me a looooong time to write an honest, vulnerable post. Hang in there!   :applause:

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Tee

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Re: Hello
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2019, 10:34:56 PM »
I'm glad you came back. We are here to support each other.  :grouphug:

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Bloatis

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Re: Hello
« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2019, 11:00:24 PM »
One thing I will have to note, and it's important to me at least. My very first post, I was drinking heavily, which allowed me to write it I guess (some people will know how that goes) 

I misrepresented something. And I want to get it right.  The suicide day did not come two weeks after the breakdown. It was about (i'm not totally sure) a couple of years. 1976 for definite, whereas the nervous breakdown that led to the paranoid schizophrenia was I guess 1974. 

I have no way of knowing that date/year short of asking my father, and I'm not going to do that. I am so sorry, but these things matter to me.

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Three Roses

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Re: Hello
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2019, 11:48:41 PM »
Nothing to be sorry about! We're all about letting people tell their stories the way they want to tell them.  :yes:

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Bloatis

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Re: Hello
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2019, 11:49:36 PM »
Actually feel sick as a dog, but everyone has been so accepting of me, and my miserable crap. Thank you, and I'm actually able to cry a bit.

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Three Roses

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Re: Hello
« Reply #13 on: July 27, 2019, 12:02:23 AM »
I don't think it's crap. It's pain. It's okay to say that here.  :hug:

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Bloatis

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Re: Hello
« Reply #14 on: July 27, 2019, 12:03:16 AM »
I do actually wonder if crying is actually a good useful thing to do, after I have been bottling everything up since then. No idea if it is admitting weakness. I don't know.