Action/Achievement Journal

[Not Alone]

One time I told my therapist about a small step I was going to take, "but what good will it do?" He asked if I've ever been in a cave where they turn out all they lights. Yes, I have. It is so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face. A candle lit in total darkness casts a significant amount of light. My point is that everything on your list is important and meaningful. Each step, even baby steps, is a step forward.

[Blueberry]

One time I told my therapist about a small step I was going to take, "but what good will it do?" He asked if I've ever been in a cave where they turn out all they lights. Yes, I have. It is so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face. A candle lit in total darkness casts a significant amount of light. My point is that everything on your list is important and meaningful. Each step, even baby steps, is a step forward.

In fact your list planned for tomorrow sounds quite a lot to me! My list sometimes consists of: get up, take meds, drink (water/tea), eat once and tidy or clean anywhere. So that could just mean clear the dishes off the table and wipe the table. And then I see what I can manage on top, though that might just be dealing with an EF or something. Or colouring in or sitting in the sun or... 

[Bach]

I'm really struggling right now.  I did do all the things on my last list, though I'm a little confused about when.  I guess that doesn't matter, because I did them, right?  Also, I got my hair cut and it was successful.  The woman was nice, did a good job, did exactly what I asked for, did not confuse me with suggestions about other things I could get done, did not try to sell me products, and did not make any comments about how amazing my hair is and how I should blah blah blah with it.  So that's good.  I hope she will still be there next time I need a haircut.

Today I have to go to the dentist to get a bridge for most of my upper jaw fitted.  Because of childhood neglect I have had nearly constant horrifying painful and expensive dental problems during my life.  I'm lucky that I'm in a position that I've been able to spend all this money to still have teeth, but at this point pretty much every dental visit is traumatic.  I have a PRN scrip for Klonopin and I try not to take it very often, but I take it for that.  Unfortunately, I am also currently dealing with a major civil war between the self-destructive part of me that knows that Mommy prefers me to have that sad, troubled, confused look on my face, and the strong, tenacious grown-up who is tired of being a traumatised child and wants to heal.

So, today's intention?  Survive.

[Tee]

  you can do it!

[sanmagic7]

i think that's a great intention, bach.  some days that is an awful lot to accomplish.

wishing you good luck at the dentist.  i'm not a dentist fan, either.  the only way i get thru it is to close my eyes and visualize myself getting up out of the chair when it's all over and walking out of the office.  i do that over and over and eventually it becomes a reality.  klonopin is another way to go.  we've got to do what works for us. 

take it easy on yourself, ok?  i echo tee - you can do it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ fairy dust to keep you occupied while you're sitting in that chair.   

[Three Roses]

I'm glad you survived, and I'm glad you're here.

[Not Alone]

i think that's a great intention, bach.  some days that is an awful lot to accomplish.

   

[Blueberry]

i think that's a great intention, bach.  some days that is an awful lot to accomplish.

 

[Bach]

I'm hurting a lot and having trouble even setting intentions, much less carrying them out.  I need to find just one thing I can do above and beyond the daily basics that will feel like a self-affirming achievement.  I'm not sure what that would be.

[Not Alone]

I think just looking for one thing is a good idea right now or maybe just the daily basics are a good enough goal for today. You know what is best for you.

[Blueberry]

I agree, sometimes just keeping going with the daily basics can be enough. Maybe followed by a trip to the Healing Porch? Or just knowing that you're hurting and accepting that? That can be a lot. 

[Three Roses]

Sometimes the only thing on my to-do list is self care. Building stamina and energy for the next round. It's okay to go at a pace that you can sustain. Take care. 

[Bach]

Along with basic self-care, some responsibilities towards My Person, and another very emotional therapy session, today I weeded an overgrown container with nothing useful in it in the garden and planted up a few seeds in it for fall greens.  Also, I had a completely unexpected and shocking emotional flashback that could very easily have led me into getting seriously retraumatised by Problem Person through absolutely no fault of his, but I recognised it so quickly and handled it so well that for the first time in months I actually feel hope that at some point Problem Person and I might start to regain our ability to communicate constructively.   It has never taken this long to come around before, but it has certainly happened plenty of times in the past 24 years, that we lost our ability to communicate constructively and then regained it.  I'm going to be extremely careful and mindful about my expectations for that, but I'm not going to try to force myself to pretend that I don't wish for it dearly.  I would especially like be able to communicate with him constructively about CPTSD because it's obvious to me that he has it too, and could benefit from understanding it.  In any case, my point is that I've done what I could today, so I'm going to get off my own back and try to relax for the rest of the evening despite all the things I didn't do (even though those tomatoes might go bad because I haven't been able to get it together to make the salsa).

[Bach]

Wow, I kind of slacked off on this, didn't I!  Not beating myself up, though, because I've been persevering, doing mostly okay with self-care and with handling really heavy and intense emotions that are arising from the stuff I'm grappling with as I learn about my Youngers.  No breakdowns!     

Today I want to recognise myself for getting some things done even though for the past few days I've been having a terrible time with physical ill health and pain.  That's difficult and very unpleasant, of course, but except for a few fairly brief incidents, I have not felt actively depressed or like hurting myself, and I have not been hearing the death-wishing voice.  I had some iffy moments this morning, but I wrote in my thoughts journal and managed to pull myself out of it.  I would rather have physical health issues than mental ones, that's for sure.  I'm doing okay as long as I'm not hearing the death-wishing voice, and when I can take action even though I'm tired and weak and my head and stomach are hurting, I am definitely ahead of the game. 

Today I went to the chiropractor, took a decent walk, put in some laundry, and did some stuff for my job that I've been struggling to finish all week.  I still need to finish the laundry, scrub the toilet, take a shower, and do one more job task.  I am going to rest and watch TV for a little while, then do those things.  My Person is going to take care of dinner tonight, then we'll watch some TV, and, hopefully, tonight I will sleep the sleep of the just and feel better tomorrow.

[Not Alone]

Today I want to recognise myself for getting some things done even though for the past few days I've been having a terrible time with physical ill health and pain.  That's difficult and very unpleasant, of course, but except for a few fairly brief incidents, I have not felt actively depressed or like hurting myself, and I have not been hearing the death-wishing voice.  I had some iffy moments this morning, but I wrote in my thoughts journal and managed to pull myself out of it.

I hope that you start feeling better, physically.