C-PTSD Dx by T - 1st post on OOTS

[MaggieMayCat]

Usually I post over on OOTF but since the dx of C-PTSD by T thought I would see if I could make further progress overcoming the sources of the trauma.  FOO was dysfunctional - uNPD Father, EnM, and now adult uNPDbrother, divorced from uBPDH of 18 years... finally in a safe and loving relationship with DH where I can actually deal with the past abuse and trauma.

Was driven into T due to an abusive episode involving FOO last year.  During the course of therapy started remembering a lot of events that had been buried for many, many years.  In this process have gone NC with uNPDBro and VLC with EnM and am currently on their "shyte" list - but that's nothing new.  These events piled on top of domestic violence, emotional/verbal/financial abuse from the uBPDExH - living in hiding for 18 months afraid for my life, being stalked during the divorce, forced to deal with abusive frivolous litigation during the divorce decimated what little confidence I had.

Lately have been experiencing some really strong reactions to other people - so much so that I have to get up and leave the situation, be by myself for a while, and at times become physically ill when forced to stay and deal.   DH helps a lot when I face these situations... the latest have occurred within the last 48 hours - had an acquaintance accuse me of lying and not returning something that belonged to her - some photographs that I scanned to work on in Photoshop.  Had returned the photos last year, was even able to tell her what folder they were in and the contents of the folder - that she should re-look around her place and see if she could find them - she insisted that I had not returned them.  I do plan to print out some copies on some nice photo paper and give them to her if she can't find the one's she lent me.  She's older and the photos meant a great deal to her - so I would not want to cause her distress if I can do anything to make it better for her.

Second event was early, early (still dark) this morning when I saw a strange man walking around our little neighborhood (about 15 houses total) - walking up to neighbor's porches, looking for whatever, nosing around in the carport areas and had to call the police to report him... brought back lots of memories from 1st marriage - just talking with police makes me very anxious... not that I've done anything to warrant their attention - just makes me nervous.  Still freaked out from having a stranger rummaging around our neighborhood since I'm at the house by myself most of the time - usually gardening and keeping the yard up... I don't want to have to take defensive measures or be uncomfortable in my own house/yard.

Things that cause C-PTSD to surface:

- Disagreements - especially loud ones
- Loud noises or being surprised unexpectedly
- Unwarranted accusations
- FOO phone calls
- Aggressive behavior by anyone
- "Good old days" stories during FOO forced gatherings - told by uNPDB to make himself look so grand
- Any/all interaction with uNPDBrother - usually forced by EnM.
- Most interaction with EnM - she's on thin ice now.

So, that's the intro... TTYL

[Rrecovery]

Hi MaggieMayCat and Welcome 

You've certainly been through *.  So much suffering.  I'm glad you found a good man to love you and show you what it's like to feel supported and respected.  I was raised by 2 PD parents.  My recovery has been a long one.  This forum is really helpful and I'm glad you've found it and joined us 

[Kizzie]

Hi MaggieMayCat and a very warm welcome to OOTS     I spent quite a bit of time coming out of the fog at OOTF and am so grateful to have found them, it was like the beginning of a way out of the craziness of dealing with PD FOO in childhood and continuing into adulthood.  That's the thing about PD FOO - the trauma never really stops unless you end up going NC, and even then we deal with their ghosts - that's CPTSD unfortunately. 

I'm so sorry for all that have endured and continue to live with and I hope it does help by coming here.  All of your symptoms and reactions make sense and that's what great about being here, people do get it and are supportive and encouraging like the OOTF community. Here though we are able to focus on us, our health and well-being and recovery rather than constantly figuring out and managing PD behaviour.  Here finally it's all about us, what we need and want -- or at least it can be, many of us struggle to do so because we don't know who we are and what we need or want anymore, we have to find ourselves again. 

You may have already read about Pete Walker here already, but his site is a good place to start, in particular his article about emotional flashbacks which  may be what you are experiencing when you talk about having really strong reactions lately - see http://www.pete-walker.com/.  He has some strategies for managing them that might be useful.

Glad you find your way here and I look forward to talking with you in the forums