sibling abuse, young children, aftermath

[Blueberry]

** Possible Trigger Warning throughout **

This follows from my conversation with GP today about being little, very ill, and emotionally alone, partly also physically alone, during medical examinations a few decades ago.

After talking about various aspects, a connection came in my mind. Just a few weeks before that illness, my family moved by plane - overseas move - and during the flight my older brother punched me on the nose for no reason. Just out of the blue, for fun I suppose. I got a nosebleed right away and the flight attendant told B that he's not allowed to hit me, his sister. I remember because that information was totally new to me. My parents had obviously never told him in my hearing that he wasn't allowed to hit me. (They probably hadn't told him outside my hearing either.) I didn't complain about the punch during the flight. The flight attendant must have noticed I was sitting there with a wad of paper on my nose. I hadn't complained because it was 'normal' for B to hit me. There are all those FOO excuses like "it wasn't very often", "you weren't badly hurt", "all children do that to each other" though I don't remember them back then, probably because I hadn't started complaining yet.

Today at my GP's I suddenly realised the connection between these incidents with B and that long ago appointment when I was very ill. According to M, I flinched slightly before the needle went in my arm but I didn't do anything drastic like try and pull my arm away or yell and scream or cry but I was verbally/emotionally abused by the nurse anyway. I flinched slightly, but I "put up and shut up" back then too. So did M; she didn't take it up with the nurse or console me afterwards that I remember. I'm not sure I'm making sense but basically realisation that I was a pretty well behaved little girl in the way FOO wanted and expected. I was used to putting up with physical aggression and did so at the doctor's even though I was really very ill at the time. As even my GP said today, even very necessary medical procedures are still a physical infraction and can traumatise. And there was Little Blueberry used to putting up with physical pain and physical boundary infractions so put up and shut up during that needle and xray event and nobody even praised me afterwards or talked about what had happened or anything. Just years later, M expressed how angry she had been but she didn't act on it at the time. It's possible she wasn't even angry at the time, it's possible that came much later. Not the last incident in my childhood (pre-teens) where she could have complained to somebody on my behalf but didn't.

Lightbulb! Now I need to talk that Little Blueberry through it and tell her how brave she was and how wrong the behaviour of M and the nurse was.

*** TW sibling abuse, childhood ***

The other thing about the physical abuse from B was that for ages now fleeting memories of it have been coming up again briefly and subsiding. Mostly it's 'minor' stuff e.g. often the memory of his fist on my nose or the anticipation of the pain coming. So to an adult, especially ones like my parents, it may seem unimportant that an older sibling hits a younger one but it seems the physical trauma and possibly some emotional trauma / trauma of neglect are still stuck in me. Otherwise this physical memory wouldn't keep drifting up to the surface and then disappearing again.

[Tee]

 

[Kizzie]

You really were very brave Little Blueberry. I am sorry no-one was there for you then but you have adult you and all of us now and I hope it helps you to feel some of the care you should have had when you had to face things you shouldn't have on your own. 

[Tee]

 

[Deep Blue]

Mostly it's 'minor' stuff e.g. often the memory of his fist on my nose or the anticipation of the pain coming.

I just want you to know that I think what your B did was very wrong. I don't think it was minor at all.  Sometimes it's easier for us to minimize, but I assure you, hitting you in any way is not minor.  I know that feeling of anticipation before the pain and sometimes it is worse than the pain. 

Take care Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody for your support and validation. When I come back to read here, I feel foggy but I also have tears behind my eyes. Feeling emotional pain isn't easy for me, so feeling any is good.

Thank you so much Deep Blue for telling me it wasn't minor. That made me realise that I really am in an EF and have been for several days. It's good for me to take it easy atm. I'm not even trying to leave the EF. Maybe it's not an EF. I feel sadder as I write this. Maybe it's a type of grieving. Anyway my impulse is to allow this state and not force myself into or out of anything.

I've been terribly itchy for a few days and this morning I discovered that so long as I continued to lie in bed and not think of anything I 'should' be doing, the itches were under control or not even really noticeable but as soon as I started thinking of plans I had for today, all the itching and burning came back. So I cancelled something I was 'meant' to do and went back to bed till 1 pm. I'm now up but being very careful about what I do and don't do. I don't know if the itching and burning are connected to the CPA memories coming back up but skin is a physical barrier, so could be.

Anyway thanks again to all for your care and validation.

[Three Roses]

 

[Kizzie]