Defining sexual abuse ****TW***

Rainstorm11 · August 01, 2019, 08:53:33 PM

Trigger Warning sexual abuse content
**************

I have serious questions about incidences I previously mentioned plus new trauma details.

I am confused about what to call what my father did and the way he objectified me. My therapists haven't said his behavior of masterbating in front of me when I was 5, getting into bed with me and trying to get me to turn over age 11 and making consistent sexualized comments to me was abusive. They hypothesize whether he meant to do anything and why my fear of being raped by him was just a product of my sexual traumas?
I feel like I need to know those things and his anger when boys would look at me, comments on my breasts and asking me sexual questions for e.g. was actually abusive?
It all feels wrong to me. There were friends and adult women he creeped out. When I was sexually assaulted multiple times starting age 7 it increased my fears about him.
In adulthood where more sexual trauma happened I started to worry if he did molest me? Of course he denied it. I thought every man would rape me. How do I know what was abuse or just very inappropriate?

Blueberry · August 01, 2019, 09:18:28 PM

That all sounds like sexual abuse to me. Sexual abuse is by definition inappropriate. Touching does not have to take place for it to count as abuse. An adult masturbating in front of a child is totally inappropriate. It counts as abuse. It is abuse. Same goes for your father asking you sexual questions

You felt that these things were wrong and/or you still feel that way? That's enough to count as SA. They say to trust your feelings on this one.

I am a bit sceptical about therapists who are not on your side in this. Are they trauma-informed? Your fear of being raped by him could have started when you were 5 since his behaviour was totally inappropriate and sexualised.

I want to write more but I notice I can't atm.

Tee · August 01, 2019, 09:31:57 PM

I totally agree with blueberry here all of that sound like abuse. Did the therapist say it wasn't abuse? Maybe T was trying not to lead you?

but I would definitely say all of that is abuse. There are two types of SA touching and non touching. He was doing non touching. Google it. If you want and don't think you'll be too triggered by it. It's not your fault.

Kizzie · August 01, 2019, 10:15:16 PM

It's clearly abusive to me but what counts is how you see it. Sometimes when I'm not sure if something qualifies as abusive I turn it around and try to imagine doing whatever it is to someone. I usually know in pretty short order what is the answer. Can you see yourself doing any of those things to any child, much less your own?

Rainstorm11 · August 01, 2019, 10:32:33 PM

Thank you all. The therapists just debated whether it was abuse because I can't remember touching. They thought he was inappropriate but never labeled it as abuse. My current therapist is very new. She is hesitant to label things like that.
I feel it was abuse and I will Google it. I have always been very leary of him and new men. My sister brought a man home to live on a first date. I was very triggered.
I would never do anything he did to anyone. He used to run by and pull down my pants and panties even until I was 27 and I freaked out on him.

Tee · August 02, 2019, 12:01:48 AM

I was a foster parent in the training for that the things you are describing were labelled as abuse. At least in the state I live in the US. Exposure and forcibly removing clothes is abusive. I'm sorry this happened to you and that your therapist doesn't know more about trauma and abuse.

Rainstorm11 · August 02, 2019, 12:09:37 AM

Tee

Not Alone · August 02, 2019, 01:37:27 AM

What your father did was sexual abuse. Your feelings are correct.

Rainstorm11 · August 02, 2019, 02:07:04 AM

Thank you notalone.

Snowdrop · August 02, 2019, 04:35:28 AM

I don't know if this helps, but I was also confused about things my half-sibling did to me. If they'd happened to someone else, I would have been horrified and called it SA, but because they happened to me, I couldn't.

I only started calling it SA when I read a list of example SA behaviours, and saw things my sibling had done in that list. The things that you describe are also in that list.

Rainstorm11 · August 02, 2019, 09:53:51 AM

Snowdrop,

It does help. I read some articles as was suggested. The most ironic thing was if someone else came to me with his actions I would have said SA. But I hesitated with me.
It was harder to admit that to myself. I am sorry you and others went through it too. My family perpetuated the abuse and neglect by getting mad at me when I went off on him.
I am grateful to the people of this forum. I feel validated. I have been getting more memories but I feel stronger and just know he was wrong and he set me up essentially for more victimization. His SA and grooming I think made me more susceptible.

Blueberry · August 02, 2019, 10:12:34 AM

Quote from: Rainstorm11 on August 02, 2019, 09:53:51 AM
I ...just know he was wrong and he set me up essentially for more victimization. His SA and grooming I think made me more susceptible.

That's how it works.

Snowdrop · August 02, 2019, 10:15:39 AM

Rainstorm11, your words resonate with me so much. Right there with you

Elphanigh · August 02, 2019, 01:34:35 PM

I know that everyone has basically said this but I see that as abusive too. Any situation where you are uncomfortable in that way can and does qualify. For me as I read your initial post, I noticed you saying it felt wrong. It is most important how you feel about it in this case. Your body and mind it seems knew it was abusive even then. It is most difficult to label it for ourselves, I have questioned many instances in my life as well and always have to look at it as if I was hearing someone else go through it.

I am sorry that you had to go through that, but know that you are not alone