Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

I'm a bit nervous about starting a journal here, but I wonder if it might help me make sense of things. I've experienced multiple traumas, starting at a very young age. Some things I remember, some things are vague, some things I remember then forget again. I know there's more to remember, and a lot to work through.

=== Possible TW ===

Something new occurred to me today. My half-brother (HB) is older than me, and we have the same father, different mothers. I grew up knowing that HB's mother hated me. I knew that she had a history of violence, and that she'd made threats against me. I'd been warned at an early age how dangerous she was, and that if she saw me, she might attack me. But I now realise that I didn't know what she looked like, as I'd never seen a photo of her. To little me, this meant that everybody was a potential threat. I can see how this could have contributed to hyper-vigilence, as I had to stay alert in case I was attacked.

[Tee]

That would have been awful. to have to always be on the look out at such a young age. I know that feeling.

[Deep Blue]

Welcome to journaling snowdrop.

I hope you find more and more clarity as you write down those memories and feelings 

[Three Roses]

I'd been warned at an early age how dangerous she was, and that if she saw me, she might attack me. But I now realise that I didn't know what she looked like, as I'd never seen a photo of her.

Wow... I'm speechless at the thought of how much strain that put on the shoulders of a little person. Offering tender  if it's wanted.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for the replies. 

I think it was a strain, but I didn't feel it as I'd already gone numb. I can remember coming out of school when I was aged about 5, and looking at all the parents waiting to collect their children to see if any of them were about to attack me. It's what I did every day, and I thought it was normal.

In a sense, HB's M was like a trauma generator. She was extremely violent towards F, abusive towards HB, and attacked my M. I think I grew up caretaking M and F's traumas, as well as being HB's scapegoat.

[Snowdrop]

I think another factor is that I internalised the hatred HB's M had for me when I was too young to understand relationships and family dynamics. I remember asking what I could do to make her like me, and there was nothing. I internalised a belief that I was hateable, and there was nothing I could do about it. As an adult, I know that the hatred wasn't personal, it was about what I represented, but I didn't understand that when I was very, very young.

[Tee]

  that's more than any child should have to deal with. Big hug

[Human]

To have to worry about and watch out for bad people can be very traumatic for a young child. I am sorry you had to go through this.

I hear you in regards to feeling numb. I think many of us go through that as a defense mechanism.

[Blueberry]

I remember asking what I could do to make her like me, and there was nothing.

My heart goes out to you here, to you now and to Little Snowdrop then.    I wondered similar things but didn't ask.

I hope you find writing your journal here useful. I've found it immeasurably useful in sorting out myself and my thoughts and feelings, as well as getting support and validation. I hope it's similar for you.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for all the support. I can't tell you how much it helps, knowing that you get it and validating my experiences. 

I'm probably going to go quiet for a few days. I dissociated quite a bit yesterday, and I have a busy day tomorrow which I need to be present for.

[Blueberry]

Go at your own pace  We'll be here when you get back. 

[Three Roses]

 Hope the day goes well!

[Tee]

  hope you have a good day.  Here for you when you need us.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you. I honestly appreciate the support.

I wasn't planning on adding anything this morning, but there are things I need to get out of my system in order to best proceed through the day.

=== Possible TW ===



I had a nightmare last night. I was in my parents house, and HB was looming over me and shouting at me, telling me all the ways in which I was rubbish, a failure, and everything was my fault. This kind of thing happened in real life. When I woke up and calmed down a bit, I visualised myself back in the nightmare, but this time I said "that's not true". White light went out from me, forcing him back, and there was also a wolf defending me. Feeling better now.

I've also had some intruding thoughts this morning, but they're currently fading away. I'll come back to them if I need to.

[Tee]