Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thank you san, notalone and woodsgnome. 

I'm continuing to make steady progress. I've been doing more releasing and integration work, and I've not been particularly bothered by cptsd symptoms since I last wrote. I've also been supporting a friend but without caretaking, and without it affecting my boundaries. This is better for me, and I think it's probably better for them too.

I've also been doing dissolving every day, and this has been very beneficial. I don't always know what trauma each blockage I'm dissolving is related to, but that doesn't really matter. It's a blockage, and dissolving gets rid of it, layer by layer.

[Tee]

  hugs

[Snowdrop]

Today's energy work was around releasing fear, and the pockets of fear that trauma has left in my system. I then filled the space this freed up with love. I'm pretty certain I have more fear to release, so if fear surfaces over the next few days, I need to remember that it's a good thing. It's merely making my fear more tangible so that it's easier to feel and release.

This reminds me of something else I keep forgetting to write about. Whenever I've felt shaky in the past, I've always tried to stop myself from shaking. If I feel shaky now, I consciously exaggerate the movement and shake more. This helps release the underlying emotions that made me feel shaky in the first place, and I usually feel better after about a minute.

[Tee]

 

[woodsgnome]

Wow. 

Sometimes I know it's better in the long run to face some of what I could easily pass on as too negative or too hard or something I give in to so often.

Then I read of how you're doing exactly that -- facing the fear, and even diving deeper into the shakiness. This provides motivation for myself when I'm discouraged; and not to so easily give up, just because it's how I've always done things.

It's inspiring to hear of your determination and perseverance to find a way to heal. Thanks for sharing your insights. 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks both.

After the energy work yesterday I felt as though my body was vibrating for the whole evening, and I became aware that I was holding deep fear contractions in my belly. The vibrating was more fear being released, so I just let it happen.

This morning I felt pretty good, but still felt the fear being held in my belly. I spent around 15 minutes consciously shaking off deep-seated fear, shaking as deep into my body as I could. I also hummed sub-vocally at a resonance that hit the fear contraction in my belly, and this really helped. I filled up with love energy afterwards, and I felt very happy.

This afternoon I journeyed to change my relationship with fear. It went well, but it was completely different to how I thought it might go beforehand.

I found my fear in the form of a tall, powerful whirlwind. I told it how much I appreciated it, and thanked it for keeping me safe.

I then noticed that the whirlwind was caged. I told it that I had no idea that I was keeping it locked down like that, did it want me to set it free? Yes, it said. So I walked towards the whirlwind with my hair standing on end, and released the chains. The whirlwind swept across the landscape until it nearly blew itself out, and then what was left of it stood in front of me. The fear lost its power when I released it from its chains and let it roam freely.

I told the remaining fear that I wanted to change my relationship with it. Appropriate fear was still necessary, but I wanted to stay present and grounded, and be able to think, act and talk. We agreed that this would be a good thing, and I absorbed the new response patterns.

The fear then left, and I spent time practising appropriate fear responses. Running, staying motionless but alert, fighting, and shaking off any remaining fear. I have permission to act in these ways and more in response to fear.

I then felt a deep vibration inside me, and more fear contractions shook out of me from where I was still holding it. When the energy of the fear contractions left me, they transformed into gold/pink flames. I absorbed the energy from these flames so that the fear was replaced with a deep spiritual love. I stayed this way for a while, releasing fear and absorbing the transformed energy.

After the journey I felt very grounded, steady and relaxed. I'm going to take it easy for the rest of the day to help the journey take deeper effect.

[Snowdrop]

So far so good with the work I did yesterday. It does feel as though my relationship with fear has changed, and is changing.

Yesterday afternoon I realised that I'd make a mistake about something a couple of weeks ago. Instead of freezing, thinking I was a bad person and it taking over my day, I decided what to do and corrected my mistake. The fear was just a flash, and it quickly disappeared. I was aware of the old habit of freezing and holding onto the fear by contracting, but it was just a shadow.

I slept quite well, and felt good when I woke up. I had a flash of random fear this morning, but it quickly swept through me in a few seconds, and it was replaced by a feeling of deep warmth and love.

Another thing I've noticed is that my feet are more relaxed. Before the journey yesterday, my feet would always feel tense, as though they had to hold onto the ground. That's now gone. I have more trust that the ground will support me, so my feet are more open, I have a better connection, and I feel much more grounded.

[Hope67]

   This sounds like great progress, Snowdrop.   
Hope

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, Hope. Yes, it's definitely progress.

I rested a lot yesterday and today, and it definitely feels as though my relationship with fear has shifted. I had a few minor incidents yesterday which tested my fear reactions, such as the smoke alarm going off and a big spider running towards me, but I was fine. In each case I briefly felt fear, acted, and let it go.

I also remembered a few times when I felt fear related to traumatic events. I think this was part of releasing as when I sat with the fear, it went away, and I felt peaceful afterwards.

[woodsgnome]

Something I learned about fear a few years ago relates to the four letters in 'fear' and how one can regard them to perhaps put a different spin on the immediate sensation of fear.

Basically, the formula was:

f = fantasy. As in imagination, or a could-be scenario; but not necessarily true for a variety of reasons.

e = expressed. How one reacts to, and then pronounces the fantasy or imagined happening.

a = as. Pinning it down definitively; yes -- that is what I think it is.

r = reality. This fantasy I believe in so strongly it's real and will lead to my downfall.

These only relate to the present moment. For instance, in a flashback, I might remember and react spontaneously to an action, person, or behaviour stunningly similar to something that was real and awful at an earlier time. But right now, if one can stay aware (not the easiest thing to do), the people/circumstances that once was so frightening is not here, not now (although it can still be a bad experience). Realizing this might at least lessen the fear's current validity.

I'll quickly add that just thinking that way won't necessarily deflect a fear, but it might help lessen the hold it has. Then again, it might not, per the old adage that different people react differently to this sort of thing.

It's mostly a matter of reaching out for new perspectives, and I hope you can keep progressing with things as you continue to work with turning a corner out of the dark side we're so used to. 

[Tee]

 

[Snowdrop]

I hadn't heard that before about fear, woodsgnome. Thank you. It gives me a new way of looking at it.

I think at the moment I have two key things going on: releasing the impact of past fear, and changing my habitual reactions to fear. This leads to a third thing which is absolutely crucial: learning to trust my instincts and act on them. I spent most of my childhood in fear, and over time my instincts were injured. I learned to ignore them, and that acting on them was weak.

I now know that my instincts were correct. I have good instincts that I can listen to. And it's not weak for me to act on my instincts, it's about strength, safety (which I deserve) and taking control.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, the work you're doing is quite remarkable.  what a creative way to get to some of the gunk that's piled up within, transform and release it.  very clever and so perspective-changing.  that's really what we're about, isn't it?  our perspective is our reality, so when we find ways to alter a neg. perspective, we find ourselves in a more positive, safer, productive one.   isn't that how change comes about? 

the shift you're feeling about fear is all about change.  like wg mentioned, finding a reality and making it work for us in real life, so that we can function fully as our true selves is the opposite of what we've had to do just to survive.  this work you're doing is not only inspirational, but it's moving, touching at the heart and gut of our being.  instincts, to be sure.

thank you for sharing this with us.  you are amazing.  sending love and a hug filled with self-trust.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, San, that means a lot. 

I think I've gone as far as I can with fear for now without getting out of balance. A lot has shifted. I can feel that I have more trust, and the fear I was holding on my belly seems to have about gone.

This morning I did a bit of work on releasing some anger. It was anger that I had suppressed and was holding on to, and I felt I had to get it out before I could move on.

This afternoon's work was significant as it was to do with healing abandonment wounds, in particular emotional abandonment from my parents. There are several aspects to this, and the biggest is that during childhood, I didn't feel protected by F, and he was emotionally absent towards me. At times I also felt that M was absent. I felt grief as I released these abandonment imprints.

I then created an archetypal mother figure and an archetypal father. They repaired the abandonment wounds, nurtured me, gave me protection, held me and healed me. It was so powerful, and I can still feel them with me now. I feel loved, nurtured and protected. I know that I can call on the mother and father archetypal figures any time that I need to be supported by mothering or fathering energies.

[Snowdrop]

Lots of stuff relating to abandonment is coming up this morning. I've been crying and grieving, but I think that's part of the process. Acknowledging the abandonment in order to release it and let it go.

I'm going to burble about some of the things that have been coming up. I don't know if there might be triggers.

=== possible TW ===

One of the most vivid memories was when I was a child living with my parents. I can't remember how old I was, but I was in bed sobbing. I felt so depressed and alone, and I wanted someone to hold me, ask me what was wrong and comfort me. Instead F burst in, and shouted at me for being selfish and for not thinking of anyone other than myself. I was frightened, felt even more alone, and tried to cry quieter so that I wouldn't disturb anyone. F was still angry with me the following day and wouldn't look at me or talk to me.

F giving me the silent treatment was pretty common, and it was usually in relation to me not behaving the way he wanted. I would often get it when HB was abusive to me. F didn't always believe me, so he'd get livid at me, then not talk to me for several days while he was simmering. If he did believe me, he'd tell me that I should try harder to make allowances for HB, and again he might not talk to me for a few days. Either way, it felt as though I was being abandoned for being abused.


[Edit: I wrote about some other abandonment incidents, but I no longer need them to be here so I've removed them.]

There's more, but you get the idea. I feel a mixture of sadness and anger around most of these. Perhaps the key thing is that I received abandonment wounds early in life, and these became patterns that played out into adulthood. I need to let these patterns go, along with the original wounds. I also need to spend more time with my archetypal mother and father figures, and perhaps involve my inner child with this too. I will probably do this later today.