Snowdrop's journal

[Three Roses]

Snowdrop, that's a lot to have to deal with. I'm sorry you went thru all that. Here's an understanding if it's okay.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Three Roses. 

I'm finding the archetypal mother and father images very helpful. I fell asleep thinking of the archetypal mother's arms around me yesterday afternoon, and again last night. I slept pretty well.

I journeyed this morning to meet my inner child. I looked in her eyes and told her that she wasn't abandoned, she wasn't alone, I was there for her, and that I loved her. I then invited the archetypal mother and father along, held my inner child, and we both received nurturing and protection from the archetypal parents. I felt the holes of abandonment filling up, and I felt nourished and supported.

[Three Roses]

  Good to hear!

[sanmagic7]

that is so great, snowdrop!  you are doing some amazing work!  i love that you fell asleep in the arch. mother's arms - what a wonderful idea.  i'm going to look her up, see if i can find an image that suits me, maybe print it out for my wall of protectors. 

thanks for sharing your process, sweetie.  it's not only so good to hear of your progress, it's also inspirational.  sending love and a hug filled w/ protection.   

[Snowdrop]

Thank you both.

More memories and realisations this morning.

=== TW sexual assault ===



One thing I now accept is that when I was about 13, I was sexually assaulted by a boy at school. It was easy for me to minimise it and say it was just part of school life, but if I saw it happen to somebody else, I'd be horrified and call the police. My memories aren't clear, and I probably don't have to go into details about what happened, but for the first time I can remember the fear, shame and humiliation I felt. I also felt alone and as though I couldn't trust anyone. I didn't tell my parents because by that time, HB had effectively groomed me not to say anything to anyone about abusive behaviour. It would only make things worse and I'd get into trouble.

I think I only acknowledged that it was sexual assault a couple of months ago, but it felt very distant, as though it had happened to someone else. I can now accept that it happened to me, and feel the emotions. I see this as a good thing. Those emotions are valid and completely understandable, and I think they're coming up now because I'm strong enough to look at them and release them.

[Blueberry]

That sounds like a lot of progress.
Sending validation and support. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Snowdrop it sounds like you are doing lots of work and reaping the benefits. I'm glad for you that the archetypes are helping you. I identify with the abandonment.  if that is OK.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for the support, Blueberry and SaB.

I've been a bit out of sorts for a couple of days. On Friday a friend tried to cross one of my boundaries by saying something that made me feel uncomfortable and a bit triggered. I didn't completely freeze though, I could still think, and I pushed back. I've been feeling a bit edgy about it though, and let down and angry that my friend thought it was OK. Part of me wonders if I pushed back in too subtle a way. If I learn that this is the case, I will reiterate where my boundaries and be very unsubtle about it. I deserve better.

I journeyed again this afternoon because I thought I could use the experience to grow and heal. I started by using my anger to push anything out of my system that didn't belong there and re-establish my boundaries. I then went to a house of healing where I removed some cords that I felt didn't belong. My archetypal parents gave me nurturing and helped to reinforce my boundaries. Finally, I stood in a pool of multicoloured light, which helped to rebalance my system and even everything out. After leaving the house of healing I reiterated my intentions about my boundaries: I won't allow them to be crossed, and I deserve better.

I'm feeling much better after the journey.

[Snowdrop]

A lot of pattern releasing this afternoon.

I started off by releasing shame, and I forgave myself for things I felt guilty about. I found it helpful to involve my inner child, as I could look in her eyes and tell her that I forgave her and I loved her. I genuinely felt easier in myself after doing this.

I then worked on patterns of over-responsibility. I gave back anything I'd been caretaking, and did some more cord cutting to change the dynamics of some of my interactions with people. I felt more at ease after doing this, and more secure in myself.

Finally I worked on reclaiming my power and strengthening my emotional centre.

I've been reading Hope's notes on the trauma summit, and I think I need to do more research on IFS therapy (Internal Family Systems). Aspects of it remind me of the shamanic approach to trauma, with exiles corresponding to soul parts. I have a strong hunch that learning more about IFS would help with my trauma-related journeying.

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you had a good day! I hope looking in to the IFS further is fruitful for you. I have been thinking about that too. Take care!

[Snowdrop]

Feeling upset this morning. It's hard for me to say much, but it relates to past patterns of over-responsibility. I mentioned that on Friday a friend made me feel triggered. He said things that made me feel he only thought I was there for his benefit and to fix him. And I'm not. A couple of other things have also tapped into this same feeling.

It's probably coming up this morning because yesterday I did some releasing work over patterns of over-responsibility. When I work on releasing something, other things can surface that also need to be released. It will pass, but I'm currently finding it a bit upsetting.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, snowdrop,

yeah, i'm finding my inner work to be more taxing in some ways even days after.  i hope you can give yourself some time to process and heal from what you've done lately.

sorry you were triggered.  i think it's quite amazing how one thing we work on can then move down to other levels of the same thing, or branch out into different things.  i know there's a standard example of peeling back the layers of an onion, but i think that, many times, with us it's also a sideways journey that pops up and needs to be dealt with.  i don't think this process of recovery is linear in any direction, really.

sending love and a hug filled with some rest and time.   

[Snowdrop]

Thanks both.

I've been a bit quiet because over the past few days I've experienced several different triggers, and these sparked EFs. I'm coming out of it now.

I may go a bit quiet on the forum for a while as I need to catch up on some work which has a fixed deadline. Sending love and hugs to you all.

[Blueberry]

Good luck with the fixed deadline work. See you when you get back.