Snowdrop's journal

[Three Roses]

Wow, that's powerful! Glad you could defend yourself like that. 

[Not Alone]

Strength!!!

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Three Roses and notalone. 

I've not been feeling that strong today. I spent the morning feeling pretty numb. I could remember traumas, but there were no emotions attached to them, and I found it difficult to do much. This afternoon, the numbness has gone, but my emotions are all over the place. Anger, guilt, sadness... Bit of a roller coaster.

[Not Alone]

Being numb and flooded with feeling are both difficult. Hang on. Take a baby step to bring a measure of calm: hot tea, focus on five senses, meditation, a blanket, etc.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, notalone. I think I'm through the worst of it, and your words helped. 

I think the main trigger was that a couple of weeks ago, my parents passed along something from HB. HB and I aren't in contact with each other (a good thing), and I know that it was passed to my parents in order for him to get F's approval. It's really just a game I want no part of. But then I start wondering if I'm being ungrateful, and I begin to doubt myself and feel guilty. What if I've got it wrong? But then I remember all of the abuse. I find it difficult to express my feelings about this as it can be so confusing.

One of the confusing things is that lots of people like my HB and think he's charming. Any abusive behaviour towards me is dismissed as "that's just what he's like", "that's his sense of humour" or "all siblings fight". But this is just minimising serious abuse. He was very abusive to me, physically, emotionally, sexually and psychologically. I spent the majority of my childhood living in absolute fear, and any sort of contact, even indirect, can either bring this back, or make me to try and shut everything away again.

[Not Alone]

But then I start wondering if I'm being ungrateful, and I begin to doubt myself and feel guilty. What if I've got it wrong? But then I remember all of the abuse. I find it difficult to express my feelings about this as it can be so confusing.

One of the confusing things is that lots of people like my HB and think he's charming. Any abusive behaviour towards me is dismissed as "that's just what he's like", "that's his sense of humour" or "all siblings fight". But this is just minimising serious abuse. He was very abusive to me, physically, emotionally, sexually and psychologically. I spent the majority of my childhood living in absolute fear, and any sort of contact, even indirect, can either bring this back, or make me to try and shut everything away again.

When abuse is ignored, minimized, or not believed; it is really confusing. It is really good that you are able to name what he did as abusive. Keep speaking the truth. If it gets too confusing, have someone who knows and understands to speak to truth to you.

[Snowdrop]

That's a good point, notalone. I can now label the different ways in which his behaviour was abusive, and a while ago I couldn't do that. Progress. 

[Not Alone]

BIG progress! 

[Tee]

  it sounds like your making huge progress.  I'm sorry your struggling and your family was trying to manipulate still.   

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, notalone and Tee, for the encouragement and validation. It makes a difference. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm stepping back from delving into memories for a while so that I can build a more stable base from which I can move forward. I'm setting intentions, and keeping to them. My intentions are:

1. Get some exercise every day. This can be a walk, a run, or housework. Pressing the Clean button on the Roomba doesn't count  .

2. Do energy work every day. This includes tai chi, and releasing trauma energy from my system.

3. Listen to what I need, and act on it. This isn't being selfish, it's retraining.

There's more, but it's a start, and it's important for me to establish good habits.

The daily energy work is particularly important, as I don't just have my own trauma to deal with, I took on my family's traumas as well. I need to release these traumas, and stop taking care of them on behalf of other people. I released a lot of trauma energy yesterday, which made a huge difference to how I feel, and I need to turn it into a habit. Even if it's just 5 minutes a day, it will make a big difference over time.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I saw your journal entry, and it was helpful to me to read, and I wanted to wish you well with all these items on your list. 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, Hope, and I'm glad it helped. 

[sunflower38]

Those are really good intentions! I think I might try some yoga to release negative energy today

[Tee]

Sounds like a plan snowdrop. baby steps