Snowdrop's journal

[sanmagic7]

take your time - we'll be here when you get back.  love and hugs, sweetie.   

[woodsgnome]

In our eagerness to find resolution, sometimes we forget the usefulness of just slowing down, creating a space that doesn't hamper the next time we set forth on our trail.

Here's hoping you can step back and be cozy with yourself about it ...

[Snowdrop]

I said yesterday that I'd had EFs, but on reflection I realise that they weren't . It was a convenient way of expressing that I didn't feel great, but they weren't EFs. I'd been grieving as part of releasing long-held patterns, and while I was grieving, several triggering events cropped up. These were related to the patterns I was releasing. At the time I felt as though I'd been really unlucky with the timing of those events as I would have been OK with just one or two, but I now realise that they helped me to release more than I could have done without them.

I also realise that I faced those triggering events and did something about the ones that I could. Plus I notice that I've said I would have been OK with one or two triggers at a time of grieving. This actually makes me feel more resilient, as I know that it's true.

Lots of insights and realising. Glad I got that out. Feeling good. <runs back to work>

[Snowdrop]

More things coming through. The friend who was trying to cross my boundaries is now being very respectful of them. It's really noticeable, a big change. It honestly feels as though patterns have shifted.

I also have this deep feeling of security, like "I've got this, I can do this".

<runs back to work again>

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

  for shifting patterns!  you are doing so much work, so much movement is going on.  don't forget to take breaks and all that good stuff.  you're doing great!  love and hugs   

[Three Roses]

Huzzah for healthy boundaries! 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks all.

[Jazzy]

That's really great Snowdrop. Glad to hear it!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Jazzy.

I'm taking a break from work because there's something I think I need to write about. It feels as though I'm on the verge of releasing it. I realise that it's something I feel shame about, and I think it's shaking loose because of the work I did last week on releasing patterns of shame.

=== Potential TW harassment and abuse of power ===

[Edit: I wrote about experiencing ongoing sexual harassment from a lecturer while at university. I no longer need these details to be here, so I've removed them.]

I feel shame because I froze and didn't report the harassment. I recognise, however, that I froze as a natural response to previous traumas, and by this time I'd effectively been groomed by HB to react in this way. If I'd reported the harassment nothing would have been done, and there's a fair chance that I would have failed my degree. But I feel shame because maybe I should have done that anyway. I also recognise that the lecturer's behaviour wasn't my fault. I didn't ask for it, and he knew he was in a position of power over me. There's also extra shame because my parents (who didn't know what had happened) shamed me for not proceeding with the PhD, and I wasn't truthful to them about why I'd pulled out.

Feeling a bit vulnerable as I haven't really told anyone about this before, but hopefully putting the shame into the sunlight will help it wither away. I'm also wondering if the situation was abusive due to the power difference. I think it was, as that's what I'd say if it was someone else in my situation. But that's the first time I've thought of it in that way.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,  I just wanted to say I read what you wrote, and whilst I haven't got words to accurately reflect what I want to say, I do want to offer you a supportive hug   
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you were put through this Snowdrop. I would definitely say it is an abuse of power. It is abhorrent how people in a position like that behave in this way. It really is a difficult situation, and I think you did a good job to get through it. You also did great in being able to open up and share about this.

Take care Snowdrop!

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,
It was a big step and brave for you to share this with us. The professor definitely used his power against you. He put you in an impossible situation. I know you feel ashamed for not reporting him. I think you were strong to not give in to him.

[Snowdrop]

Hope, Jazzy and notalone - thank you. You told me exactly what I needed to hear in order to shake it off.  and 

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, may i jump in and say i totally agree w/ everyone.  definitely abuse, both of power and sexually.  those were threats against you to get what he wanted from you.  the shame is with him.

by the by, i believe i would've acted in exactly the same way.  not knowing at the time what might/could happen to you, your program, grades, future job placement - all of it - i would have gone into survival mode, put one foot in front of the other as quietly as possible, just to get thru.  you survived this and that's what's important.  we're glad you did! 

well done, you.     so glad that prof is in your rear view mirror now.  sending love and a hug filled w/ tire tracks from speeding away from a terrible situation!