Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San. That means a lot and made me laugh . 

[Snowdrop]

I had dreams last night about the lecturer and also the boy at school who sexually assaulted me when I was about 13. They follow the same pattern, being abused in a situation I couldn't (or didn't feel able) to get away from. There are other events that fit this same pattern too. I think it starts with HB.

Sometimes the number of traumatic events seems overwhelming. I've only talked about some of them, and many would have been enough to give me cptsd or ptsd in isolation. Layers of trauma. But thinking of them in terms of patterns is helpful because many of them follow the same pattern. I need to unravel the pattern.

[sanmagic7]

interesting about patterns, snowdrop.  i can definitely see them in the choices of partners (romantic and friendship) i've made.  it's not a good look, but i can see it immediately reflecting my relationships w/ my parents.  emotionally unavailable men, strong but seemingly helpless women.  ugh - makes me nearly gag when i think of it.

sorry you had disturbing dreams.  may i ask what HB stands for?  if it's someone's initials, you don't have to go into detail, but i'm wondering if it means something i'm not understanding.  thanks.

you're doing a lot of work, sweetie.  sounds like your brain is working overtime, too.  take it easy, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ self-care. 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, San. HB stands for half-brother (on my father's side). He's quite a few years older than me, and I couldn't get away from his abuse as he (usually) lived in the same house. I think that set up the pattern, so it's been there for pretty much my entire life.

I think one thing I can do is use dissolving to chip away at the blockages that are part of the pattern. This will take time, but it will allow me to work away at it reasonably gently without stirring too much up.

I promise I'll take it easy .

[Hope67]

Glad you're taking it easy, and sending you a hug, if that's ok, Snowdrop 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Hope .

I'm swatting away at scary deadlines at the moment. I occasionally feel a bit overwhelmed by them, but I can do this.

[sanmagic7]

yes, you can.  i really like the image of swatting these things away, chipping them away.  well done.    i think it's a really pos. way to look at it, and gives you room to go at a pace best for you.  love and hugs!   

[Snowdrop]

First big deadline out the way. Hooray! Hooray!

[Blueberry]

 

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Great that you met that deadline!   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I've been finding it hard to update my journal, and post generally in the forum. I've had a few blocks, which I will try and write about.

In the lead up to my first deadline I was feeling extremely stressed, and it took me a while to stop my nervous system jangling. I think it would have been stressful for anyone, and I recognise that cptsd makes it harder. The work involves doing things that my FOO told me that I wouldn't like doing, wouldn't be able to do etc. Objectively, I can do it and seem to be pretty good at it. A child part of me has been finding it incredibly scary, though, so I agreed to buy a support teddy bear to cuddle when required.

My next big deadline is just over a week away, and I think I'm in good shape for it.

I've been feeling very guilty about posting on the forum and as though I don't belong. A while ago I tried to support someone on the forum, but I inadvertantly used a word that they found triggering. I've been wary about posting since then as I truly care about the people here, and I don't want to accidentally hurt anyone. This also resonates with being told as a child that I mustn't say anything. Feeling upset about writing this.

I've been having EFs today, which isn't helping. I had an email last night which made me feel I wasn't valued, and it upset me.

I'm currently a bit wobbly emotionally, so I'm going to see if I can use this to dissolve some more trauma blockages. The EFs give me a direct connection to the original traumas, making the trauma blockages easier to find.

[Hope67]

Dear Snowdrop,
I am supposed to be on a technology break at the moment, but I couldn't resist popping by today - and I saw what you'd written in your Journal, and I wanted to say to you that I really hope you'll be able to post here as and when you want to - and that the feelings of guilt that you described will ebb away - because I really value what you've contributed here, and all the things you've said here - they are valuable and I am so glad that you've been able to express yourself, and I feel angry at your FOO for stifling your voice when you were a child.  That isn't right. 

I'm glad you've got your support teddy bear to cuddle, that is such a great idea.  I also have something that is a little cuddly toy that I keep nearby - and it really helps.

I wanted to thank you - I hope I'm correct in thinking it was you who talked about the Quigong book.  I managed to get a copy from my local library, and that is partly why I'm taking the technology break - so I can focus on breathing and relaxing and focusing on positive energies within that book.  So thank you so much for talking about your experiences with it.

I am going back to my technology break now, but I really wanted to write to you here in your Journal, and I hope you don't mind my comments, but I wanted to know that I really appreciate your being here, and I hope you'll feel able to express anything and everything - because you are valued.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you so much, Hope. Your reply means a lot and brought tears to my eyes. Good ones!

Yes, it was me who mentioned the Qigong book. It's great you found a copy, and I hope it goes well. Please do let me know if there's anything I can help with.

[Blueberry]

Yes, I thought I hadn't seen you around for a while, Snowdrop. You do belong on here and I'm glad you overcame your blockages to post again! It's obvious from your posts that you care about other people on here. Triggering others happens on here. I've done it too, others have done it to me.  More or less anything can be a tiny trigger.