Snowdrop's journal

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,
I'm glad that you posted. You do belong here. As Blueberry mentioned, anything can be a trigger, so you did not do anything wrong by using a certain word. Your care for others comes through clearly in your posts and responses. Glad you are getting a teddy to bring comfort.

[Three Roses]

You absolutely do belong here! Triggers are unavoidable for us, the most we can do is try to manage them ourselves. You really can't know what words to avoid for everyone. I'm sorry that made you feel cautious about posting here. But, I'm glad you came back and talked about it!   

[Jazzy]

Nice to see you post again, Snowdrop. Good job on proving your FOO wrong! Hope you're feeling stronger soon. Take care!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks everyone for your kind responses. They mean a lot.

I slept relatively well last night. I've had insomnia trouble for the past couple of months, but this week it's improved, and last night was the first where I didn't wake up in the middle of the night. There are several things which I think have helped:

1. Doing more Qigong practice over the past week, including in the mornings.
2. Posting here even though (because?) it made me cry.
3. Feeling less overwhelmed about deadlines. My head knows I can meet them all, but my emotions had doubts. I now know and feel I can do this.
4. Dissolving last night, and using an EF state to connect to trauma blockages.
5. Reading the Paul McKenna sleep book, and beginning to put things into practice. The sleep hypnosis track is fab, but I can't tell you much about it .
6. Tapping. I downloaded the 
Tapping Solution app, and there are a couple of free sessions on sleep. I respond well to tapping, and it would be helpful if I did more.

I'm also feeling much better emotionally today. I think I'm out of EF mode, and all the above plus sleep will have helped.

[Aphotic]

Thanks everyone for your kind responses. They mean a lot.

I slept relatively well last night. I've had insomnia trouble for the past couple of months, but this week it's improved, and last night was the first where I didn't wake up in the middle of the night. There are several things which I think have helped:

1. Doing more Qigong practice over the past week, including in the mornings.
2. Posting here even though (because?) it made me cry.
3. Feeling less overwhelmed about deadlines. My head knows I can meet them all, but my emotions had doubts. I now know and feel I can do this.
4. Dissolving last night, and using an EF state to connect to trauma blockages.
5. Reading the Paul McKenna sleep book, and beginning to put things into practice. The sleep hypnosis track is fab, but I can't tell you much about it .
6. Tapping. I downloaded the 
Tapping Solution app, and there are a couple of free sessions on sleep. I respond well to tapping, and it would be helpful if I did more.

I'm also feeling much better emotionally today. I think I'm out of EF mode, and all the above plus sleep will have helped.

Way to go, Snowdrop. Looks like you've made a good effort of the day overall!

[Blueberry]

That's great Snowdrop  So happy for you. But also: look at the hard work you put into it

I was impressed to read yesterday that you'll use an EF to connect to trauma blockages. I tend to flee from my trauma blockages. 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks both.

I don't always remember to use dissolving to clear an EF, as sometimes I'm too lost inside it. I consistently find, however, that using dissolving on an EF clears it pretty quickly, and can help me clear some of the deeper trauma. I'll talk about this a bit more, as my hunch is that it's relevant to other methods such as tapping.

A lot of my trauma blockages feel like hard knots of energy with a tough outer shell. It's like having walnuts that need cracking. Crack the outer shell of the walnut, and you can release the trauma. Dissolving is a way of doing that, as it's like splitting the walnut into atoms so that the trauma blockage dissolves into space.

There are a couple of challenges that relate to dissolving trauma blockages. The first is determining whether a blockage is related to trauma, as it might be something more general, and dissolving blockages indiscriminately takes a lot of time. The second is that trauma blockages can be so deeply buried they're hard to find. It's therefore helpful to bring them into awareness so that they are easier to access.

There are two methods I use to do this.

The first is to set an agenda or intention over days and weeks to get rid of the blockages that relate to trauma. Thinking about this intention on a regular basis means that when I dissolve a blockage, it's far more likely to be a trauma blockage.

The second method is to use the feelings I have around an EF or trigger to connect to a trauma blockage. By focusing on the feelings as I dissolve, it often brings me straight to the underlying trauma blockage.

With each method, I may not be able to entirely dissolve the blockage in one go. But there's a good chance I'll be able to thin the shell a bit so that I can clear it another time.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for explaining dissolving trauma. It's interesting. Wow. You physically feel them. It may not feel that good idk but incredible that you actually feel them.

You seem to be doing the work on your own too. Wow.   When things get hard, I still like to go to my T.

[Snowdrop]

I think feeling the blockages can be a useful tool. It's as though my system tried to shield me from traumas by wrapping each one in a hard shell in an effort to lock it away. A bit like an oyster forming a pearl, but less shiny .

[woodsgnome]

While there's been a setback or two, I think it's great how you've shown resilience paired with perseverance to keep trekking along in the face of all the natural inclinations to shut down and/or flee; and/or panic, all reactions which seem to strengthen the EFs seeking control of all of the shaky feelings.

Instead you've demonstrated that we don't have to be swallowed up every time things seem like they're slipping away again. I've read so much about the best way to unplug the stickiness being to dive straight into the trouble, use visualization and other means to dislodge where and when one can. But I've rarely seen it reporte on so well as you've been doing.

Many congrats  , even though it's almost a given there might be rough patches left over. The willingness to go into dissolve mode even after the apparent times it hasn't worked perfectly seems to also be helping.

It's great to see a been there/done that example that at has produced some positive vibes, while building hope enabling one to face whatever else -- expected or not -- might come along, but that can be defused. Thanks for pointing this out.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks woodsgnome.

I find that if I use dissolving on an EF or trigger, I can consistently release it. I'm struggling to think of a time when it hasn't worked, and it typically takes 5-10 minutes to get relief and feel reasonably normal. I think it's so quick because the EFs are on the surface; they're happening in the present moment.

Dissolving the trauma blockages takes longer. They're deeper, and can have many layers to dissolve. The first layer might take 20 minutes to get the release, the next layer 1 hour, the next one 3 hours and so on. I don't generally have time to spend as long as this on dissolving, but each time I practice, they get closer to being released.

In a sense, the EFs and triggers are gifts because they give me better access to the underlying blockages. Admittedly I don't always think this at the time! I think the key thing for me is to keep chipping away at them on a regular basis. Over time, they'll get smaller and there'll be fewer of them.

[Snowdrop]

Hope has inspired me to start reading the Internal Family Systems Therapy book by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy. I'm part way through the introduction, and it makes a lot of sense to me.

I recognise that when I use journeying, it's my Self that's in control. Any other parts are quiet. I think one of the reasons why I find journeying so helpful is that it gives me a means of navigating my inner landscape, communicating directly with parts, and bringing home parts that are lost (exiled?). I think I've been instinctively doing some of the things mentioned in the book, but it's giving me a deeper insight and framework.

[Snowdrop]

I've now read the first three chapters of the IFS book, and I'm finding it illuminating. I have had various insights so far. I will try to write about some of them.

The distinction between Self and parts is interesting, and I can feel the difference. I can recognise that when I'm having an EF, a part is in the driving seat, and not my Self.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that when I do dissolving, it typically takes 5-10 minutes to clear the EF. A different perspective is that when I settle down into dissolving mode, it puts my Self back in the driving seat, the part takes a back seat, and so the EF stops.

This makes me think back to my first tai chi class. During the class, my Self stepped forward from the murk, and I could clearly see the crossroads I was at in my life. I could see I was on a path that was taking me to a bad place, so I stepped off that path and onto a brighter one.

I can ask parts to step back so that they're not crowding my Self. This will be helpful day-to-day. It will also help to do this when practicing tai chi, qigong etc, as it will strengthen my Self.

[Snowdrop]

The IFS book is really resonating with me. I've just read the following, which mirrors my thoughts from yesterday:
"The practice of yoga, meditation, martial arts, and other mind–body healing modalities can all help parts feel welcome and safe so the Self can embody. With these strategies we can access, strengthen, and stabilize the Self in the body, which brings alignment, groundedness, fluidity, spaciousness, and often tingling."

There's also a bit about why things like meditation etc can be hard for trauma survivors:
"Embodying the Self can terrify people who have suffered severe abuse. As mentioned above, savvy perpetrators try to prevent the victim from having access to the Self. ... As a result, survivors of severe abuse risk backlash from their protectors when they try to embody the Self. This backlash might include suicidal thoughts or urges, physical illness, pain, or fear of the therapist and the urge to quit therapy. Thus we make a point of asking the client to check if any protectors are afraid to let her embody before guiding her to do so directly. If any parts are afraid, we address their fears before proceeding."

Another bit in the same section resonates too:
"I also know that my most active protectors hang out as tension above my eyebrows, weight on my shoulders, and clutching in my throat, and I'll visit those places to reassure those parts. As they release, I immediately notice more spaciousness and calm in body and mind."
The bit about the throat matches my experience. I've spoken previously about being silenced. "Say anything and I'll kill you", that kind of thing. Well, for years, every time I tried to say anything about HB's abusiveness, my throat would close up, and I couldn't speak. It was like I was being choked. I only got past it by doing a *lot* of energy clearing there. Dissolving, pulling stuck energy out, making guttural noises etc. Sometimes it's still there, but less so. Based on what I've read so far, there could easily be a protector part who tries to choke me in order to stop me speaking. Writing that feels true. That part is scared, so it would be helpful if I can comfort and reassure it.

[Three Roses]

I think I will see about reading this book, it sounds like something I need.... Your posts are always so informative and I've learned a lot from them, so thanks.