Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, 3R.

I'm getting a lot out of reading the book. I bought the second edition on Kindle, and it's worth downloading the sample to see how you get on with it.

[Snowdrop]

There are a few fundamental things I've learned from the book so far that I want to write down. I think my insight and understanding will grow as I continue to read the book.

Having parts is normal. Everybody has them, but how aware they are of the parts depends on the degree of polarisation. For trauma survivors, the polarisation is likely to be high.

No part is bad, but parts can carry burdens.

There are exile parts, and protector parts. The exiled parts hold uncomfortable feelings and memories, which is why they've been exiled. EFs probably come from exiled parts wanting to make themselves known, breaking through, reacting, that kind of thing. I think I have a high proportion of exiles.

There are two types of protector parts: managers (which seek to control the exiles and keep them away) and firefighters (which seek to deal with the consequences of exiles breaking through). I have prominent managers or a high proportion of them, but a low proportion of firefighters.

The Self is always whole, but it can get blurred with other parts, and protector parts can kick it out the system in order to protect it. The Self has the ability to heal the parts. I can easily connect with my Self, a Good Thing.

Protectors will keep on behaving in the way they do until they know they don't have to. This happens when the exile they're protecting has healed and has unburdened.

Before accessing an exile, you need to get the protector's permission. If you don't get this permission, the protector will get upset and there may well be a backlash. So always talk to the protector first.

[There's a special mention in the book about EMDR. EMDR can bypass the protectors to get to the exile parts, so there can be a backlash.]

An exiled part can overwhelm, resulting in EFs etc. But an exiled part can also agree not to overwhelm if they're convinced that they'll still get attention. This gives protectors confidence in the Self, leading to better cooperation.

[Snowdrop]

Now that I've written about what I've learned, I want to talk about things I've noticed.

I've not had any wrist pain for a while. This is unusual. I have RSI, and some degree of pain, lack of movement, lack of strength is pretty constant. I've been doing things that would normally show up, but they haven't. I have no pain, I can grip and 90 degree movement each way. Two explanations seem most likely: the Qigong/dissolving etc I'm currently doing, or rescuing the exiled part of me a few weeks ago (the part that carried car accident trauma).

I've not been thinking of HB very often. I have the memories, but I'm not obsessing over them. Is the traumatised part healing, or is a firefighter part distracting me? I will find out.

One section of the book reminded me of HB:

=== Possible TW physical violence ===

"During the course of that inner work, I discovered that my father's rage attacks and spankings had scared the Self out of me, leaving me desensitized. In the grip of my own rageful protector, I wanted to knock people down and was able to disregard physical pain even while my saner parts were screaming at me to stop."

=== End of TW ===

I recognise how this relates to HB. I also recognise that this is not my problem.

[Snowdrop]

Something else I need to write down:

"The expectation that people should be able to use willpower, for example, to stop addictions, control anger, or override fear only exacerbates inner polarizations."

"People who do succeed in controlling firefighter behaviors with willpower are relying on managers to sit on their firefighters as well as their exiles."

This makes sense. I used to firefight/comfort myself by eating lots of sugar and chocolate. I gave them up because it messed me up in other ways - mood swings etc. People told me what strong willpower I had. Maybe I just introduced a manager to sit on the firefighter.

Maybe I can instead release the need for the underlying firefighter, which will in turn release the need for the manager. I can ask these parts about the exile they're protecting.

[Snowdrop]

Yesterday I tried asking any parts to step aside while I practised Qigong etc. This worked really, really well.

I slept reasonably well last night. I've noticed I tend to sleep better when I practice bagua zhang in the morning. This is something new which I've recently started learning. I don't know if I slept better because of the practice, or because I was able to ask parts to step aside. As I intend to doing both things, it probably doesn't matter.

I woke up once in the middle of the night. The details are a bit fuzzy because I went back to sleep again immediately afterwards, but I remember communicating with a part that was stopping me from sleeping. The part told me about how she felt I had to protect M when I was growing up, and take the place of an adult. I listened, understood, and said how sorry I was that she felt she had to do that. A phrase I was once told kept going through my head: "children can't be children when adults can't be adults".

[sanmagic7]

hey, snowdrop, sounds like you're making a lot of progress.  reading about all those parts is interesting, as well as the jobs they do.

as an emdr therapist, i found it interesting, also, about the idea that emdr overrides some parts, which could cause backlash.  i think, from my knowledge of the process, that those parts could also be recognized and included, and as the healing continues, they'll know when they're not needed in the same way, which would minimize the backlash.  i'll be seeing an emdr t in a couple weeks, so this was good info to have with me.  thanks for sharing. 

you are doing some amazing work for yourself.  inspiring.  wishing you well as you continue.  sending love and a hug filled w/ vibrant energy.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, San. I'm glad it helped. I've just done a quick search, and there are videos and workshops on IFS informed EMDR. I've not watched the videos, but involving protector parts in EMDR so that they don't get cranky sounds really interesting.

I hope it goes well with the t.

[Snowdrop]

I'm getting so much benefit from what I've read so far about IFS.

Today was another big deadline day. I was doing something that a lot of people without cptsd would objectively have found stressful, particularly as a few things outside my control went wrong at the last minute . But actually I was fine, and I'm pleased with how well I handled it. I was able to tell any part of me that was feeling stressed etc to take a back seat, and they did. It felt different to running away from the feelings, pushing them down or denying them in some way. It was more of a negotiation which allowed my Self to take control.

[Snookiebookie2]

Well done Snowdrop 

Sounds like your having success  making progress  and dealing with difficult emotions/sensations 

I am so pleased for you 

[Jazzy]

That's awesome; good job!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Snookie and Jazzy.

I was a bit tired today after yesterday, so I deliberately didn't do much in the morning, and rested in the afternoon. I spent some time listening to parts and showing them compassion.

[Snowdrop]

I've been reading more of the IFS book, and reflecting on how the things I've learned so far can help me.

I have had success with going to talk to my inner critic and other inner figures. I now recognise these as protector parts. I was able to talk to them, ask them why they were doing what they were doing, and offer them new roles. These are all good things, and in line with the IFS book. What I can also do, however, is ask them about the part of me they're protecting (an exile part), and ask them if I can access that part. If there's any resistance to that, it may indicate another part I can talk to.

When I talk to any protector parts, I can ask them how old they think I am. The IFS book says that they usually think you're still a child. Asking a protector part how old they think I am will help me find the exile part that they're protecting.

I have had success with finding exile parts, listening to them, freeing them and bringing them home. This is good, and something that's in the IFS book. I haven't rescued an exile part until I've felt fully on board with it, and I think that subconsciously I was probably waiting until protector parts felt OK about it. Again, this is good. I think that now, I can talk to protector parts and get their explicit permission before doing anything like this.

Once I've helped an exile part, I can show them to the relevant protector parts. This isn't something I've been doing, but I can see it would be helpful. Once a protector part can see the exile no longer needs protecting, they know they can drop their behaviour, and take on a new role/get some rest.

When I do any energy clearing work, I can ask protector parts if they're OK with it. You can sometimes get a healing crisis in response to shifts, and I now wonder if that may be due to a backlash from protector parts.

[Snookiebookie2]

Snowdrop it sounds like you doing lots of great work.  It sounds like you're gaining an understanding of yourself and making real changes to how you relate to yourself.

Well done.    I'm so pleased for you 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Snookie .

This afternoon I went on my first journey since I started researching IFS.

I wanted to help the exile part that felt silenced, so I started by visiting a separate protector part that's been protecting it. It's been doing this by closing down my throat if I try to speak up about past experiences.

I thanked the part for protecting me and asked it what job it was doing. It told me that it had to stop me talking because if I spoke up, I'd be hated and abandoned. I told it what a great job it had done, and whether it was happy in that role. It wasn't, so I asked it how it felt about easing up and perhaps doing something else.

I felt slight fear at this point, which I recognised as another part. This was also a protector, using fear to keep me silenced. It believed that if I spoke up, I'd be killed, so it had to keep the exile away from me for my survival. It didn't like using fear and wanted to rest, but didn't feel it could.

I asked the two parts if they were protecting the same exile, and they said yes. I asked them how old they thought I was, and they thought I was about 5. They were surprised to learn that I'm now an adult, and could make adult decisions.

After some negotiation, they agreed that if the exile part of me was safe, they could both relax, and they agreed to let me speak to my exiled 5 year old. They accepted that I could give the exile part attention without her emotions overwhelming me.

I spent a bit of time with the exiled part, showing compassion and validating her. I told her that it was wrong of HB to treat her the way he had. It was his fault, not hers, and she deserved to be believed and kept safe. I told her I loved her, believed her, and would look after her. She told me some of the things she had experienced. I then took her to a garden where she could climb trees, laugh and shout in the sunshine, and sing with the birds.

I then went back to the protector parts. They could see that the exile is being heard, is happy and in a safer please. They agreed to ease off, and I felt as though they trusted me more.
We all agreed that I would go back to the exile part, spend more time with her, and help her unburden.

Using IFS theory as part of journeying is fascinating. There's still a fair amount of instinctiveness about it, but it feels as though using IFS has refined things. I feel as though I've been handed an upgraded roadmap.

[Aphotic]

Thanks Snookie .

This afternoon I went on my first journey since I started researching IFS.

I wanted to help the exile part that felt silenced, so I started by visiting a separate protector part that's been protecting it. It's been doing this by closing down my throat if I try to speak up about past experiences.

I thanked the part for protecting me and asked it what job it was doing. It told me that it had to stop me talking because if I spoke up, I'd be hated and abandoned. I told it what a great job it had done, and whether it was happy in that role. It wasn't, so I asked it how it felt about easing up and perhaps doing something else.

I felt slight fear at this point, which I recognised as another part. This was also a protector, using fear to keep me silenced. It believed that if I spoke up, I'd be killed, so it had to keep the exile away from me for my survival. It didn't like using fear and wanted to rest, but didn't feel it could.

I asked the two parts if they were protecting the same exile, and they said yes. I asked them how old they thought I was, and they thought I was about 5. They were surprised to learn that I'm now an adult, and could make adult decisions.

After some negotiation, they agreed that if the exile part of me was safe, they could both relax, and they agreed to let me speak to my exiled 5 year old. They accepted that I could give the exile part attention without her emotions overwhelming me.

I spent a bit of time with the exiled part, showing compassion and validating her. I told her that it was wrong of HB to treat her the way he had. It was his fault, not hers, and she deserved to be believed and kept safe. I told her I loved her, believed her, and would look after her. She told me some of the things she had experienced. I then took her to a garden where she could climb trees, laugh and shout in the sunshine, and sing with the birds.

I then went back to the protector parts. They could see that the exile is being heard, is happy and in a safer please. They agreed to ease off, and I felt as though they trusted me more.
We all agreed that I would go back to the exile part, spend more time with her, and help her unburden.

Using IFS theory as part of journeying is fascinating. There's still a fair amount of instinctiveness about it, but it feels as though using IFS has refined things. I feel as though I've been handed an upgraded roadmap.

This sounds all really enlightening! And a few parts of it really resonated with me too. I'm glad it's working for you in some way! I like your analogy.