Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Perplex .

All good after yesterday. I felt happy afterwards, the 5 year old seems happy, and the protector parts seem to have stood down. I sang along to music while I made dinner last night, and kept spontaneously dancing round the kitchen.

It's morning now, and I slept through the entire night for the first time in just over two months.

[Snowdrop]

More journeying this morning, building on yesterday.

I met with two more protector parts who are in conflict with each other. One thinks I must tell the truth and the whole story, as if I don't, M won't love me any more, and I'll be abandoned. A second part says I must lie, because if I tell the truth, F won't believe me, he won't love me and I'll be abandoned. The protector part I met yesterday who was closing my throat up when I tried to speak is also involved with these two. It feels as though it has to keep them both quiet. There's also another part who's very cynical and doesn't trust me, but that part has agreed to not interfere.

The truth and lie tellers are both protecting an 11 year old exile. They let me visit her in my old bedroom where it was quite dark and gloomy (it didn't get much natural light). After a bit she shared a lot of her experiences with me: HB wanting her dead, trying to hide what had happened, being forced into telling the truth, being bullied, feeling friendless and so on. I took her to a bright library with a garden where she could read whatever books she liked, and read them outside.

I went back to the truth and lie protector parts. They are both feeling happier. They accepted that I can decide what to say and how to say it, and that I can look after the 11 year old. The cynic was less cynical.

I then went back to the 5 year old. She was willing to let go of some of her burdens, so we burnt them on a bonfire and watched the flames. She was a bit concerned that I was now going to abandon her, so I reassured her that I wasn't. She then curled up against a great mother bear and went to sleep.

I let the parts protecting the 5 year old see her sleeping peacefully. The part who was fearful said it no longer needed to do the role it was doing, so it's gone off to rest. The part who was closing my throat is much happier too, but wants to keep watch on the truth and lie tellers parts for a bit longer. It's feeling much better though.

I went back to the 11 year old again, and showed her the 5 year old. She was delighted to see her looking so peaceful and happy, as she felt caught up in the 5 year olds problems. The 11 year old wanted pets, so I left her playing with a puppy and stroking a cat.

The truth and lie tellers are now much happier too, and they're experimenting with new roles. The truth teller accepts that I don't need to tell the whole story, and the lie teller wants to start writing creative stories. The cynic is trusting me more.

So, a summary. The 5 year old exile is nearly ready to let go of all her burdens and stop living in the past. The 11 year old is feeling much better, but has more to share before she can start to unburden. The protector parts are easing off. The cynic part started off not wanting anything to do with me, but has improved. It's cynical to try and stop me being hopeful and then let down. I can talk to this part more another time.

[Three Roses]

I always feel inspired by these posts! Thanks 

[Blueberry]

Wow, Snowdrop! You're doing so much self-work atm and making so much progress  

[Snowdrop]

Thanks both . These latest journeys feel hugely significant, and involving different parts in this way is working really well.

All good after the journey yesterday. I did quite a lot of tai chi afterwards, and it felt different. I felt I embodied it more, there was more space in me, and it felt peaceful. There was no inner critic or any other part trying to muscle in, and this also felt significant.

I've been thinking back to one of the exchanges I had with the 11 year old exile. She was pleased I'm no longer in contact with HB, but felt conflicted because she felt she had to make allowances for his behaviour. She felt as though one of her responsibilities was to help him heal. I told her that it wasn't her responsibility, and she couldn't help him heal. He had to heal himself, and only he can do that. With HB, his parts are completely in the driving seat, so his Self isn't there. These parts are angry, raging, abusive and more likely to be in control when I'm there, so it's honestly best for both of us if there's no contact. I'm keeping my Self and my parts safe, and it's not possible for me to help HB. This approach helped the 11 year old settle. She felt safer due to there being no contact, and she didn't feel guilty about it. She also felt OK about feeling very angry with HB's parts, and how she'd been treated. I told her she was perfectly entitled to feel angry. She felt better after letting her anger out.

[Snowdrop]

Another journey this afternoon to check in with the protector parts I've been working with so far, and the 5 and 11 year old exiles.

The protector part that was blocking my throat has nearly completely given up its role. It trusts me to say the right thing, so it doesn't really feel it needs to step in. The fearful part is still interested in the 5 year old that it's protecting, but it's given up its role. It seems to have gone walking.

The truth and lie protector parts also trust me to say the right thing, and are close to giving up their roles. The truth teller wants to go on bike rides, and the lie teller has already started thinking up stories.

The cynical part has started opening up to me and is beginning to trust me. Yesterday it wouldn't tell me what it was protecting, but I found out today that it's a teenage exile. It's scared of her feeling any hope or happiness because it doesn't think she can cope with being let down. I've told the cynical part that the teenage part won't overwhelm me, and it wants me to help her. We've agreed to leave this for a bit, and I'll come back to her when the 5 and 11 year old exiles are further along.

The 5 year old exile is doing well, and likes me cuddling her. She didn't have anything new to share with me, but she was ready to burn more burdens in the bonfire, which we did. I asked her whether she wanted to leave the past and move into the present. She does, but wants to play in the garden a bit longer, and get used to the idea first.

The 11 year old exile was pleased to see me. She's not ready to unburden yet, and wondered if she'd still exist if she let go of her burdens. I told her that she would. She'd always be a part of me, and I'd always love her. She now fully accepts that healing HB is not her problem. It's not her responsibility.

[Snowdrop]

I've decided to copy the unburdening process from the IFS book and put it here in case anyone reading my journal wonders what's going on.

1. Witnessing: The client's Self witnesses whatever the exile wants the Self to know about its experience.

2. Do-Over: If the exile wants help in the past, the client's Self enters the scene with the exile and does or says whatever the exile needed someone to do at the time to rescript the experience.

3. Retrieval: The Self takes the exile out of the past and brings it to the present, or to somewhere safe.

4. Unburdening: The exile decides how it wants to let go of burdens (sensations; chronic, extreme feeling states; toxic beliefs) and then proceeds to let go of them.

5. Invitation: The exile invites in new qualities that it wants for the future.

6. Integration: The client's Self invites protectors to notice that the exile has unburdened and feels healed, then asks if they are ready to find new jobs and helps with this if they need help.

[Three Roses]

I'm buying this book on pay day!

[Snowdrop]

I can definitely recommend it. I'm finding it life changing.

In the meantime, it's worth searching YouTube for "schwartz ifs" and "schwartz ifs trauma". I've not watched them yet and must, but there's a series of four videos from a lecture Richard Schwartz gave on IFS and trauma. The first one is here: https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M

[Snowdrop]

Very interesting this morning. I had an email from a friend who usually expects me to caretake his problems for him, and I had no caretaking impulse. I felt compassion, but that was it. This is a big change. It's because there's a caretaking protector part that has spontaneously given up its role.

Another journey around lunchtime to visit the parts I've been working with recently.

The 5 year old's protector parts weren't around. I asked if there were any other parts protecting her, and there weren't, so I went to visit the 5 year old in her garden.

The 5 year old now hangs out in a treehouse, and is happy. She asked me why HB hated her, and I told her that part of him had been treated very badly by his mother, and that part hates everything. She understood, and accepted that. I asked her if there was anything she wanted from me, and there was. I saw an event where HB hit her, and she wanted me to rescript this. As HB went to hit her, I stepped in and blocked the blow with my arm, and HB ran off. I then saw M and F telling her how much they loved her. After this, we went back to the bonfire, and she peeled a bruise from her face and threw it in the fire. We watched it burn. She has some other burdens which she's keeping in a box, but she's not quite ready to burn them yet. I left her getting snuggles from the great mother protector bear.

I then met the 11 year old's protector parts. They were pleased to see me, and happy to let me help the 11 year old.

The 11 year old was pleased to see me. She had a box full of rocks which represented burdens, and she told me she wanted to get rid of them. We took them to a firepit and set them alight. After they'd burned, we smashed them into ashes. I asked if there was anything more she wants right now, and she said she wanted to be better at sports and a book she'd read once but couldn't remember the name of. We ran for a bit, and then I gave her a book from the library.

I briefly spoke to the cynical protector part, who isn't very cynical now. It knows I'll be back when the time is right to help the teenage exile part it's protecting.

[Three Roses]

I like that you have designated the cynical protector part "it" as opposed to he or she. 

[Snowdrop]

This may change! It started off as being a thick black cloud, but it's acquiring a more human shape as I build a relationship with it.

[Sceal]

Glad to hear you're having some progress! Keep up the hard work 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, Sceal.

Yesterday I felt angry because I wanted to be heard. I realised it was a part breaking through, so I asked it to step back, and what job it was doing? It got angrier at this point because it wasn't doing a job, it just wanted to be heard. As it wasn't performing a role, this meant that it was an exile part, not a protector. It didn't feel like the 5 or 11 year old, so I asked it how old it was. Eventually, it told me it was 8.

This morning I could still feel the exile trying to break through, so I journeyed to help it.

I started off asking if the 8 year old had protectors. The first one was a brick wall that was hiding her from me, although I could hear her shouting from behind it. The wall was trying to keep her away from me because it didn't want her to overwhelm me. I told the wall that I could give her attention without her overwhelming me. She could choose not to overwhelm. The wall was also distrustful of me when it saw I was an adult as it felt adults can't be trusted, so I told it that I wasn't just an adult, I was my Self, and that meant that I could help her. I wanted to help her if the wall would let me.

The second protector was one that kept making me ill. Being ill meant that the 8 year old was looked after and received attention she didn't get otherwise. I asked if this part would consider not making me ill if I made sure the 8 year old was looked after and got the attention she needed, and it agreed.

The third protector was fiercely critical of the second protector. It hated the 8 year old being ill, and kept saying she was weak and a failure. It put pressure on her this way because it thought this way, F would be proud of her. It agreed that if the protector that was making me ill stood down, it could too.

After some discussion, the protectors agreed to let me see the 8 year old and help her. The wall moved out the way, and I was with the 8 year old in my old bedroom.

The 8 year old was initially very angry with me. Why didn't I listen to her? Where had I been? I apologised, and told her that I heard her, I was here now. She then showed me lots of things she'd experienced that made her feel angry. I'm going to list them here as being witnessed in this way will help. No full details, but they might be triggery.

=== TW ===

[The part has been witnessed enough, so I've edited out this bit]

She wanted me to rescript some of these. I stopped HB being inappropriate, M and F validated her feelings, and M, F and HB's friend told HB how wrong his behaviour was. I told M and F she didn't need an operation, she just needed to be loved and heard. I prevented HB from hitting her, and broke the cane in two.

=== End TW ===

After this, the 8 year old felt much better. Her burdens left her body in a silvery smoke, and I brought her into the present. Her protectors saw her happy and unburdened, and said they were happy to give up their roles.

I then visited the 5 year old. She is now unburdened. She's in the present, but in the garden. She can leave the garden if she wants to, but she's very happy there. I left her playing with the 8 year old.

I briefly contacted the cynical part and the 11 year old. The 11 year old doesn't need anything from me right now, and the cynical part respects me. This part still wants me to help the teenager when the time is right, and thinks that the work I've done with the other exiles has helped her.

This was a much longer journey than usual. I'm a bit sleepy, but I also feel a huge sense of relief and space inside me. I feel heard.

[Snowdrop]

All good after yesterday. Very good, in fact. I feel peaceful, harmonious and there's a feeling of space inside. I've briefly checked in with the parts I've been working with, and all is fine. The IFS book suggests checking in with parts that have unburdened on a daily basis for 3-4 weeks after they've unburdened in order to properly integrate, so I'll spend more time on this later.

I had an email this morning which would normally trigger me. No reaction, not even a twitch. It feels as though the part that would normally be triggered has either given up its role, or turned it down a lot. I *think* this part might be the critical one that was protecting the 8 year old, and it gave up its role yesterday.