Snowdrop's journal

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to your budgie. That would have broken my heart.

I'm happy to hear the email didn't trigger you. Progress! 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Three Roses.

A relatively short IFS journey today.

The 5 year old is happy. She now has a paddling pool, so we spent some time splashing in it together. She's been making daisy chains for the great mother bear, and has started exploring.

The 8 year old is very wise and magical. She's been spontaneously unburdening herself.

The 11 year old also seems to have unburdened. She says that the 5 and 8 year olds unburdening allowed her to unburden. I showed them to her, and she was pleased to see them. She has a pet puppy which she's been playing with and training.

I didn't interact with the parts that had been protecting the 5, 8 and 11 year olds as they've all given up their roles.

I did, however, speak to the part that was cynical and protecting a teenage part. He's no longer cynical, and says that the teenager is improving. He thinks I need to wait for a bit until I speak to the teenager, so that the 5, 8 and 11 year olds can completely settle. I asked what age the teenager is, but he doesn't want to tell me yet.

I also met a part who was scared of me speaking to the teenager, but I said that I could talk to her and help her without being overwhelmed by her. The part seemed reassured by this.

[Blueberry]

I am so impressed at the healing work you are doing and have been doing in the last while, Snowdrop! 

[sanmagic7]

this sounds like amazing territory you're going thru, snowdrop.  it's fascinating to see. love and hugs to you, sweetie. 

[Snowdrop]

Blueberry and San . I'm delighted with how well it's going. It's also absolutely fascinating. Learning about IFS and how to apply it has made a big difference to me.

Another short journey today, as there wasn't a lot for me to do. There weren't any protector parts I needed to talk to, so it was really a matter of checking how the 5, 8 and 11 year old parts are.

The 8 year old continues to be wise and magical. I get the impression there are things she can teach me, and I think she'd like this. I need to ask her about this at some point.

The 5 year has gone exploring outside the garden. I found her riding on the back of the great mother bear. I think the bear was taking her to see a waterfall.

The 11 year old did a bit more unburdening. She showed me how the boys at school behaved in a sexually inappropriate way with the girls on a daily basis, and how this was seen as OK. After I witnessed this, the burden lifted from her in a silver mist. She also told me how much she'd enjoyed a book I'd just finished reading.

[Snowdrop]

A longer journey today, as I wanted to tackle a legacy burden. This burden was passed down to me by M, and I've been carrying it. It's around putting other people first, which leads to the belief that other people's needs are more important than mine, which leads to the belief that I am worth less, which leads to the belief that I am worthless.

I started by trying to meet the part that was carrying the legacy burden. Another part (protector) stopped me. It was deeply critical of the part holding this belief, and was trying to keep it away from me. Beneath the criticism, it was really scared. There was an incident caused by this burden that lead to me losing a significant amount of energy, and it was scared of me dying if the power of the burden was amplified. I reassured the protector that this wouldn't happen, and thanked it for protecting me. I wanted to help the part holding the burden to release it, so the protector stood aside to let me speak to it.

The part holding the burden looked quite amorphous, and when I tried to speak to it, another part appeared and stopped me. This was another protector part, and it was scared of me releasing the burden. It would be disloyal, and I needed to carry the burden in order to be accepted. If I released it, I'd be abandoned and terrible things would happen. I asked the new protector how old it thought I was. 6 years old, it said. I thanked the protector for helping me survive, and told it that releasing the burden wasn't being disloyal. I could choose to be kind while still taking care of my needs, so I didn't need the burden. The protector was a bit suspicious when I told it I was an adult, but it gave me permission to talk to the part carrying the burden.

The part holding the burden turned into a 6 year old girl. She was another exile part, and I knew this because when I asked her what role she had, she looked confused and said she'd just been told to carry the burden (a big sack of rocks). I asked her how much of the burden wasn't hers. About 80% she said. Would she like to stop carrying it? Yes please. She wanted to dump it in the ocean, so we went to the beach and chucked it in the sea.

I asked her about the remaining 20% that was hers. She showed me various events which I witnessed, and then the burden left her body as butterflies which fluttered away into the sky. I held her, told her I loved her and how worthy she was.

I showed the exile to the two protectors. The one who wanted me to carry the burden was initially concerned, and reluctant to give up its role. I demonstrated that she was happy, and repeated that I was no longer 6 years old, I was an adult and my Self. I could be kind and compassionate without needing a burden to force me into it. The protector agreed I no longer needed the burden, gave up its role, and went off to sit in the sun. This allowed the first protector I met to give up its role too, and together we called back power that I'd previously lost because of the burden.

I then checked in on the 5, 8 and 11 year olds.

The 5 year old was slashing in a pool at the bottom of a waterfall with the bear. She's very happy, and ran over to me and jumped into my arms when she saw me approach. The bear let me scratch its head.

The 8 year released burdens related to her energy sensitivity. She said she was able to do this because the legacy burden had lifted.

The 11 year old released a burden that felt like her part of the legacy burden. The burden turned into a bird that flew off and turned to light.

I spoke to the teenager's protector and thanked him for looking over her. He said that releasing the legacy burden has helped her.

[sanmagic7]

amazing work you're doing, snowdrop.  it really is.

it's also amazing how these parts of ours are in there.  that still kind of blows my mind.

sending love and hugs to all of you

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, San.

I think one of the things that really helped me is reading that having parts is normal. Everybody has them, but how aware you are of them depends on the degree of polarity you have between them. Trauma survivors are more likely to have a highly polarised parts, and that means that we're more likely to be aware of them.

My system feels less polarised now, and I can feel the difference. I feel more whole. There's more of my Self, if that makes sense. When I first started reading about IFS, I was a bit concerned about whether working with parts might be fracturing and make my head feel crowded. Actually, it's the complete opposite. Listening to and healing the parts gives me a feeling of more space inside, and my Self is stronger. I've also noticed that my energetic boundaries are much, much stronger because they're being healed from within.

It's absolutely fascinating.

[Snowdrop]

All good after yesterday.

I journeyed this afternoon to check in with the parts I've been working with so far.

The 5 and 6 year olds are both fine. I held each of them, and told them how much I loved them.

The 8 year old was interesting. She often looks serious, and she reminded me of how she would be often be criticised or told off if she wasn't smiling. Her grandmother often told her nobody would like her if she didn't smile, and would give a running commentary on her facial expressions, which the 8 year old found embarrassing and overcrowding. She often felt that she had to put on a fake smile and mask how she felt and who she was in order to avoid all of this, and to be acceptable to people. The 8 year old often looks quite serious because she enjoys not having to put on a fake smile. She can smile if she wants to smile, she can frown or stick her tongue out if that's what she wants to do, and all of that is OK. She's entitled to look and feel however she wants to look and feel. While I was there, she released the burden of having to mask her emotions in this way in a mass of butterflies, and smiled at me.

The 11 year old is fine. She told me how one of her teachers would complain if the children in the class didn't have the "correct" facial expression, and that she was carrying a bit of the same burden as the 8 year old. She released her bit of the burden, and then we sat down to read together.

Finally, I spoke to the teenager's protector, and thanked him for looking after her. He said that the younger parts releasing their burdens is really helping her. There's a sense that she knows what's happening, even though I haven't spoken to her directly yet.

[Snowdrop]

I've finished reading the IFS book. The final chapter was really useful, as it went into the laws that parts follow, and deeper into the inner world. I was particularly delighted to read about things I'd already experienced on my journeys, and have my experiences confirmed.

I journeyed again this afternoon to check up on all the parts. The 5 year old is happy in the bear's cave, and I took the 6 year old swimming. The 8 year old unburdened a bit more, this time around letting her be a child. The 11 year old is enjoying being in the library.

I met a new protector part today, based on something I read yesterday. This part protects me by taking over and making me feel like passing out if it thinks I'm in a situation I need to get out of. It figures that if I pass out, I'll be removed from the situation, and therefore be safer. We agreed that I'm an adult now and it's approach isn't making me safe. It doesn't like making me feel the way that it does, and it says it would much prefer to go and learn circus skills instead . The part is protecting a teenager, and I will explore this relationship more another time.

[Snowdrop]

Today it felt right for me to see if I could help the teenage exile. I didn't want to leave her any longer, and I've also built up experience through retrieving the other exile parts.

I started by checking in with the 5, 6, 8 and 11 year olds. All good.

I then spoke to various parts involved in protecting the teenage exile, who I learned was 15. This surprised me, because I'd thought she was older. There were parts that were scared of letting her near my system, a SI protector part, another part that was scared of the SI part, and talking to all of these different parts took quite a lot of negotiation. Eventually, all parts accepted that I was an adult (my Self), she could choose not to overwhelm me, and that if I could heal her, they could stand down from their roles.

When I found the 15 year old she was very distressed. She was frantically running round in circles with her hands in her hair, unable to escape torment and she couldn't hear or see me at first. I could only get through to her by pushing a letter into her hands. After she read it, she looked up and saw me.

I spent some time comforting her, telling her that it was OK, I was there. When she felt able, she showed me various events, how she felt, what she thought. I had to spend some time with this in order for her to feel properly witnessed. A lot of the events were things I'd forgotten about.

I then needed to do over some of the events in order to rescript them. I told the 15 year old that when her supposed best friend turned on her, it wasn't about her. The "friend" had done this to other people too. The 15 year old accepted this, so I expelled the "friend" from the school and sent her to live in a different city. I stopped a boy from kicking her, stopped another boy from spitting at her, and expelled both boys and anyone else who had ever bullied her. The teachers noticed her and praised her. I gave her another best friend and a friendship group. F told her that she didn't need to work so hard to get good grades, he loved her regardless. He also told her that HB was never going to come back again, so she didn't need to be scared.

The 15 year old was able to release burdens. She chucked a mask into the ocean, and we built a fire pit on the pebbly beach and burnt the old coat she was wearing. I then took her to a house of healing for her to stay for a while. She finds it very peaceful on the balcony because it's high up in the trees and she can see and hear the birds flying and singing.

I showed the 15 year old to the parts that were protecting her. They were pleased to see her looking so much better. They would like me to keep her in the house of healing for a while, so that's what I'm going to do.

I suspect that the 15 year old has more unburdening to do, and there may be more for me to witness/do over. I'm glad that she's somewhere safe. I will continue to check on her and the others every day.

[woodsgnome]

  Good deal for the 15-year-old, for the other parts, and especially for you. I'm so impressed with your diligent efforts at putting this process into effect. And hope it keeps clearing some of the debris off hurts that have resulted from those years.

Thanks for sharing these 'rescue' missions; they're impressive but also daring in venturing back into such hurtful times.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks woodsgnome, that means a lot. The process I'm using with IFS is working really well. Helping the parts is making an enormous difference, and I honestly feel so much better for it.

I think one of the things that's made the biggest difference is being aware of my Self, and recognising when my thoughts and feelings are being influenced by a part. The Self is kind, compassionate and unafraid, for example, so if I start to feel afraid, that's an indication that another part has got involved. I can then unblend from that fearful part, and find out why it's upset.

I woke up at about 4am this morning because the 15 year old felt very scared. This worried some of her protectors and made them wonder if she needed to be exiled again. I asked the protectors if I could talk to her, and they agreed.

The 15 year old was terrified that HB was going to come and attack her. I told her that he wasn't, she was absolutely safe from him. I would protect her and keep her safe. I apologised for previously minimising her experiences. I'd forgotten what she'd gone through, and her feelings, all of them are completely valid. I also apologised for not being there at the time. I assured her that I'm with her now, and I'm not leaving her.

She felt peaceful and safe after that, the protectors calmed down, and I went back to sleep.

I was in touch with the 15 year old for most of the morning, listening to her and witnessing her experiences. There was so much I'd forgotten. Later, she found her old music collection in the healing house, and did a lot of singing and dancing. By midday, she seemed pretty good. She'd found a fluffy blanket, and was wrapped up in a rocking chair on the balcony with a pine marten asleep in her lap.

I journeyed this afternoon to check up on all the parts.

The 5 year old was asleep against the bear. I covered her in a blanket, kissed her forehead and let her sleep.

The 6 year old is much happier for letting go of the legacy burden. I took her to see the "I am worthy" plant that I planted some time ago, and it had grown into a dazzling golden tree. I told the 6 year old that this was because of her unburdening, and she was very happy.

The 8 year old is also happy. She had a look at the "I am worthy" tree, and she told me that all the work I'm doing is rippling out to all the other parts.

The 11 year old is very happy. She spontaneously unburdened some more by taking some rocks she'd collected and setting them on fire in her fire pit.

I spent the most time with the 15 year old. I found her sitting wrapped up in the rocking chair and feeding the pine marten. She was pleased to see me.

We started off by burning a model of her old school. She asked me why HB hated her so much, and I explained that he is driven by raging parts, and I didn't know if HB's Self was still there. She understood, and we agreed that it wasn't our problem. She witnessed me when M told her that she didn't love her, and also when M laughed at her and shamed her for putting on weight. She felt betrayed. I acknowledged her experience and rescripted it. We went out to the balcony, and she unburdened. Her burdens left her as autumn/fall leaves that danced away into the sky.

I held the 15 year old close, told her how much I loved her, and left her in the rocking chair with the pine marten.

I then met the 15 year olds remaining protectors. The ones that were scared of letting the 15 year old seemed to have given up their roles and wandered off. The SI protector spontaneously told me that it didn't need to do its role any more, and it went off for a bike ride. The protector part that was scared of the SI protector said there was no need for it to do its role either, and told me it was going to go and lie down in a flotation tank . After some discussion, a critical part told me that it wasn't really needed now either, and went off to practice juggling.

All is good.

[Snowdrop]

All still good after yesterday.

On today's journey, the 5 year old was eating honey with the bear, the 6 year old was playing with butterflies, the 8 year old was fishing, and the 11 year old has decided to leave the library and go exploring. All are well.

The 15 year old is peaceful and content. She's happy in the rocking chair, watching the world go by with the pine marten. She didn't have anything else for me to witness today, and nothing to unburden.

All the protector parts I've been dealing with seem to have wandered off.

[Sceal]

Happy to hear this!