Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Sceal.

The past 18 hours have been a little challenging, but I'm OK now.

Last night I received an email from someone I'm currently working with. The email was patronising, bossy, and said things that were plain wrong. I felt angry . I realised that the anger came from a part. I was able to unblend from it, but the part was quite stubborn, and kept wanting to blend back with me.

This morning I was unblended from the part, and came up with a strategy for dealing with the person who sent the email. Stage 1 implemented.

This afternoon I journeyed to check up on the parts I've previously been dealing with. They are all OK.

Before I finished, I decided to speak to the part that was angry. I asked it what its role is, and it said it needed to defend me by getting angry. I thanked it for protecting me in that way, and I apologised for always pushing it away. The part was surprised. I agreed to stop pushing it down, and listen to it if there was something it needed to tell me. In return, the part must stop overwhelming me. The part agreed.

After the journey I felt calm. I still do. I even feel compassion towards the person who sent the email.

I need to come back to this part at some point and find out if there are any other parts involved. There might be an opposing part that keeps pushing it down [looks inward: yes, I think there is]. I also need to find out if it's protecting an exile part. I don't want to do this just yet though due to the number of retrieved parts I'm currently juggling.

So all is still good.

[Snowdrop]

I checked in with the 5, 6, 8, 11 and 15 year olds this afternoon. All doing well.

I've not actively done any work on this yet, but I suspect there's another exiled teenage part that's about 18, along with protector parts. I need to go back to the IFS book and re-read the sections that mention putting an exile part in a waiting room (the Room technique). Doing this removes the exile from their painful situation, and gives them a place to wait until you're ready to help them. It also contains the part so they don't overwhelm.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snowdrop,

wow, and wow!  the work you are doing is so strong.  well done

i once heard someone say that anger is a result of  a boundary of ours being crossed in some fashion.  in your case, w/ such an email, i think anger would be absolutely appropriate, even from an adult perspective.  how to express that anger can be challenging.  as adults, we don't want to be throwing 2-yr. old tantrums anymore.  i think you and your parts are working together well.

sending love and a hug full of appropriate expression.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San.

I agree, anger was completely appropriate. A boundary was definitely crossed.

I think the main challenge was that the really angry part was ready to go , even if it meant me losing work, money and saying goodbye to an area of work that's important to me. It was also making me feel very stressed. The situation needed my Self to handle it in a proportionate way, and I needed to convince the part that I could and would do that.

Another journey this afternoon to check up on the 5, 6, 8, 11 and 15 year olds. The 15 year old was a bit anxious about Christmas and whether I would see HB at any point. I reassured her that I wouldn't, she was safe, and she was then OK again. All the other retrieved exile parts are happy as well.

[sanmagic7]

ok, got it.  makes total sense.  glad you're able to see that, know what it is and what needs to be done.     love and hugs, snowdrop.

[Snowdrop]

Another journey to check up on the 5, 6, 8, 11 and 15 year old retrieved parts.

I found the 5 year old splashing about in the pool at the foot of the waterfall, so I dived in to join her. The bear was there too, and we played games together. I've noticed that my relationship with the bear has evolved. Initially, the bear clearly belonged with the 5 year old and was quite indifferent to me. Now I have interactions with the bear as well as the 5 year old.

The 6 year old was watering the "I am worthy" tree. I asked her if she felt worthy, and she said yes. She said that her needs count just as much as anyone elses, and she has a responsibility to take care of herself. I gave her a hug.

The 8 year old was in a meadow and playing with energy. She asked me if what she saw and felt was real, and I told her that it was. She looked pleased, spontaneously unburdened her need to conform in a cascade of butterflies.

The 11 year old was in a hammock in the library. She asked me if I could re-read some particular children's books because she'd like us to read them together and talk about them. I agreed.

When I climbed onto the 15 year old's balcony I was greeted by the pine marten (it climbed onto my shoulder). The 15 year old is feeling much more peaceful. She's not ready to get rid of any more burdens just yet, but she's keeping some in a box so that they're out of her system. She says that at some point she'd like to burn them on a bonfire.

Before I finished my journey, I spoke to the angry part, which has calmed down a lot. When I asked it how old it thought I was, it said 18, which means that it's protecting a part that age. There was another part too, which was scared of the angry part. I thanked both parts for protecting me. Neither part enjoys its role, and the angry part would prefer to do some knitting. I will come back to these parts another day.

[Snowdrop]

Today's journey was much shorter. All retrieved parts are doing well.

[Snowdrop]

All retrieved parts are still doing well.

It feels as though there's quite a secure attachment between my Self and the younger parts in particular, but my plan is to keep checking in with them until at least the end of the year. If you don't do this, there's a chance that the part doesn't form a secure enough attachment with the Self, and takes back it's old burden. It generally takes 3-4 weeks of daily check-ins to make sure that the attachment is secure and the part is integrated.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I admire the work you're doing very much, and just wanted to say that I hope it continues to go well.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Hope.

I checked in with all the retrieved parts again today. All is well.

[Snowdrop]

The 5, 6, 8, 11 and 15 year olds are doing well.

The 6 year old unburdened a bit more today. She showed me how devastated she was when her best friend moved away. When she left, the 6 year old had felt very lonely, and found it difficult to make new friends. After I witnessed this, the 6 year old released the burden.

The 15 year old also unburdened. She showed me how hard she worked for exams, but if she didn't get 100%, she was told that it wasn't good enough. Over time, she felt as though she wasn't good enough, and she was tired of having to work all the time. I told her that she was plenty good enough. The 15 year old released the burden as a flurry of leaves, and I felt it leave me too.

I asked the 15 if there was some gift that she wanted, and she said one word: objectivity. I told her she could have that, and gave her a brightly wrapped box. When she opened it, a light went from the box into her heart, and I felt it enter mine as well.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I felt emotional reading your entry here, it is lovely how your parts have been able to unburden and share things, and the fact you felt the light from the box go into the 15 year old's heart, and into your own, that is so special.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

It really was special, Hope . I wasn't expecting it to happen, but then I don't really expect any of the things that happen on these IFS journeys. They're fascinating.

Yesterday has had quite a profound effect. I've felt pretty objective about things all day today. It's been a lot less stressful, and I feel as though I've achieved a lot.

[Snowdrop]

I went to a meal a couple of evenings ago with a large group of people. I knew it would be loud with lots of people I didn't know, but I was quite looking forward to going. This is progress, as normally I feel really apprehensive about it.

Overall, I enjoyed the evening. I felt overwhelmed by the noise and people moving behind me at one point and felt myself going a bit dizzy. It felt like a part, so I told it that I wasn't leaving yet because I wanted my pudding, and the dizzy feeling went away really quickly.

I was startled by a noise at one point, but then I was ok.

I didn't update my journal yesterday as I was tired from the night out, but I checked in with the retrieved parts, and they were all OK.

I had a much longer journey today.

I started by visiting the part that had made me feel dizzy at the Christmas meal. It had been trying to protect me by making me feel that way so that we'd have to leave early. I thanked it for protecting me, and took it to see my 15 year old part which it had been protecting.

The dizzy protector was amazed when it saw how well the 15 year old looked. The 15 year old thanked the protector for its work looking after her, and told it that she was happy and trusted me (Self) to look after her.

The dizzy protector told me that I no longer needed it, so I reassured it that it would always be part of me, but it could give up its role and do something else if it wanted to. It agreed, and has now taken up meditation.

Next I visited the retrieved parts.

The 5 year old was sitting in a pool by the waterfall with the bear and is happy.

The 6 year old was by the "I am worthy" tree, which continues to grow. It has beautiful golden leaves, and the light dancing off them made the 6 year old glow.

The 8 year old was playing with tree energy.

I went for a walk on a woodland path with the 15 year old and the pine marten. We found an old firepit on the path, so I lit it, and she cast rocks into it which she said were burdens. I watched as they transformed into a phoenix which flew away. We watched the flames for a while, and then I took her back to the cabin she's been staying in.

[Snowdrop]

Just a brief check-in with the parts today. All are well.