Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

I experienced a major triggering incident late yesterday afternoon, which resulted in flashbacks, fear, panic, massive hypervigilance, forgetting to breathe and other cptsd nasties. I also had more childhood memories of physical threats and violence resurface.

I woke up very early this morning in a bit of a panic, but after I'd calmed down a bit I realised how I could turn the incident into a vehicle for healing. The similarity of the incident to some of my early traumas, along with the corresponding emotions, gave me a direct connection to those original traumas. It amplified the energy behind the original traumas, making them much more apparent in my system, and more tangible. I could tell what the trauma energy was and where it was held, meaning that I could do something about the original problem.

I spent about an hour (?) working on releasing the energy, in particular the fear and guilt. [Slight detour: the guilt may seem like a strange one, but as a child I was told to make allowances for my HB as he'd had a tough childhood, and I felt guilty because I couldn't take the abuse.] There was a lot of stuff to release, but I was able to get rid of a good chunk of it. I then spent an unknown amount of time meditating in order to dissolve a large energy blockage relating to where trauma was stuck.

I think I've done as much as I usefully can for now, but I feel a so much better for it. I will almost certainly see what I can do to release more of the trauma energy later in the day, as it's currently easier for me to get a handle on what it is I'm dealing with.

[woodsgnome]

Snowdrop wrote:

"...after I'd calmed down a bit I realised how I could turn the incident into a vehicle for healing."

That illustrates a crucial turning point that I know I miss sometimes; and that's the ability to put the healing part in. So many times the EF gets stuck and we forget we now have the option to move in that direction, out of the pain we automatically slip into.

I admire your chutzpah in having the courage to enter into this turnaround phase. The original trauma might still filter into situations, but with this experience maybe you've discovered that you were able to realize there's options beyond just the suffering.

But that's projecting ahead; you deserve the peace you found this time around, but when those future setbacks threaten, perhaps this will remind you that you did 'escape' at least some of the thoughts that zoomed in on you this time.

All of this is hard work, though. Congrats on finding a way to experience some healing this time around. We often talk about steps and don't actually try (or give up on) taking them. Yours is a cool example that we can open the door to heal, at least in increments.

And pardon me for butting into your journal; but your experience caught my fancy. Thanks.

[Tee]

  that's awesome to take the bad and turn it and use it to help you move forward.  You are so brave and strong.  Get rid of the shame and guilt. What was done to by HB is just that done to you!  Therefore not your fault!  Standing with you I'm so glad you were able to release some of the trauma energy, here's hoping you'll be able to do more when your ready.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, woodsgnome, and you're very welcome in my journal  .

Yes, Tee, that's exactly it! Thank you! 

I did some more releasing work yesterday afternoon, and got rid of a chunk more. I felt quite content afterwards, and more solid and grounded. Some of the heat has gone out of the memories too. I'm still quite jumpy about any noises outside the house, but my hypervigilance has calmed down.

[Tee]

   yeah for moving on. Things will get back to normal before you know it.

[Snowdrop]

Today I journeyed to spend some time with my inner child. I asked her to tell me about the beliefs that she had learned in childhood. For each incorrect belief that doesn't serve me, I looked in her eyes, taught her a replacement belief, and told her that I loved her. I have more work to do on this, but it was very powerful, and afterwards I felt quite content with a feeling of inner gentleness.

[Three Roses]

Wow, this is great! Wonderful idea. 

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

Very powerful!

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, 3R, Tee and notalone. It felt very profound, and I could feel it having a deep impact on me.

I'm going to burble a little bit today, as it feels as though I may be on the cusp of being able to release stuff from another trauma, and let go of things I've been holding on to.

[Edit: I originally posted about HS, and secondary trauma. I don't feel as though I need that to be here any more, so I've removed it.]

Today, I realise several things. The things HS said to me weren't true. I needed time and space to process my own emotions. And she wasn't perfect. I have so much compassion for her, but she wasn't the person I wanted her to be. M had told me that she wanted HS to be someone who was there for me, and I played into that, seeing her as a replacement for my abusive HB. And it wasn't real. I need to let all of that go.

Words are going now, but this feels like progress. I know what I need to release.

[sunflower38]

This is really great insight, snowdrop 

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, what an incredibly painful, complex situation. That is a huge thing to feel about and to process. Your realizations about the relationship are significant. I wish you continued healing for your heart and mind on this.

[Jazzy]

You've done great working through this. Take care!

[Tee]

  that's a lot snowdrop!  I'm glad your are finding your way through I'm sorry for your pain.

[Three Roses]

Nothing new to add, only that I think that was an awful lot of burden for you, and totally unfair in the way it all unfolded. Lots of pain there, it sounds like. Sorry that happened to you on top of everything else.