Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

On today's IFS journey I checked in with all the retrieved exiles and the 13 year old's protector. I needed to speak to the 13 year old's protector to make sure it agreed to me speaking to her, and it was fine. The protector has no hint of HB's energy around it.

I primarily wanted to make sure that all the retrieved exiles felt safe and comfortable in their safe spaces, and they do.

I also wanted to check that they were all happy using containers to hold any burdens they weren't ready to get rid of yet. Most of them didn't feel they had burdens, but knew how to use their container. The 15 year old had some burdens in her container, and said that she'd like to get rid of them another time. The 13 year old hadn't used her container yet, so I taught her how, and she put various burdens into it. I felt a sense of openness and expansion as she did this.

I asked if there were any more parts I needed to talk to, and one surfaced. It felt threatened by my Self, and didn't want me to do any activities that would make my Self stronger such as Tai Chi, Qigong etc. I spoke to it, and it was scared of changes to my system in case it made things worse and I became overwhelmed. I explained the work I was doing, and how the Self can heal parts. Having a strong Self is therefore a good thing. The part was really interested, and agreed that it wouldn't sabotage my Self. I'm curious about this part, and how our relationship develops. It cares a lot about the other parts welfare, and I wonder if it might want to be a helper.

[Snowdrop]

I've spoken some more with the new part I spoke to yesterday, the one that felt threatened by my Self. The thing it's scared about is the feelings I had when I was 18-19 coming back and overwhelming me. There's a part holding these feelings, and it doesn't want me to go near that part. I said I understood, and I wouldn't do anything without its full permission. The part was very reassured by that.

Afterwards, the 8 year old retrieved exile wanted to speak to me. I found my Self asking her if she was really 8 years old, and she beamed at me. She said that she had held burdens from when I was 8 years old, but her actual age was irrelevant. Her actual intended role was much bigger, and it was to do with my spiritual and energetic connection and power. She now felt ready to take on this role. Her 8 year old appearance dissolved, and it was as though she was everywhere. I felt a feeling of huge expansion and deep, deep calm and contentment.

Since then, I've been feeling really good. My Self energy is much stronger. There's way more space inside me too, and I have a lot more energy. It feels as though something significant has been released.

[sanmagic7]

i'm so glad for you, sd, that you're feeling stronger w/ more space inside, and more energy.  you are doing amazing work here.  well done

even tho i'm tackling my crapola from a different angle, i still admire what you're doing, the strength and determination you're showing, and am truly happy for you that you are making such wonderful progress.  i fully support what you're doing, and thanks for sharing - i'm learning from it as well.  it may be something i look into down the road apiece.  love and hugs.

[Not Alone]

It feels as though something significant has been released.

Just want you to know that I hear you that something big has happened.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for your support and encouragement, San and Notalone.

I checked in with the parts again today.

The part that had been holding burdens from when I was 8 years old has been a near constant awareness. I've been unblended from the part, but she's never far away. It's delightful. My access to Self has definitely been stronger too.

The change with this part has had a positive impact on most other parts. The 5, 6 and 11 year olds in particular are all extremely happy.

The 13 year old is OK, but needs me to help her unburden. My intention is to spend more time with her tomorrow.

The 15 year old is happy in a mellow kind of way.

The part that had felt threatened by my Self is also fine. I had wondered if my Self being stronger would make it a bit tetchy, but it hasn't. There's actually more trust.

[sanmagic7]

well done, sd!   i love how the strength of self is being reflected in other parts as trust rather than defiance or defensiveness.  you are doing a remarkable job w/ all this.  love and hugs to you all!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San . The general principle is that parts like the Self to lead as it makes them feel safe. There can be ups and downs along the way, but that's the general pattern.

I woke up early this morning, so I went to see the 13 year old. I witnessed various things she'd been holding such as loneliness, bullying by isolation and being ignored, teachers behaving inappropriately and so on.

I asked her if there was anything she wanted from me, and she wanted her best friend back from when she was younger (her best friend had moved away when her F got a new job). I brought her friend back, and she felt happy.

I asked the 13 year old how she wanted to unburden, and she said with fire. We built a bonfire made out of school furniture, set it ablaze, and while it burned, burdens left her body to be consumed by the flames. Some burdens felt a bit stuck, so the big butterfly (her power) helped her. Eventually, she looked as though she was filled with rainbows and seemed at peace.

The 13 year old felt sleepy after this, so I took her back to her craft room and put her to bed.

[Snowdrop]

Quite an intense work day today doing something objectively stressful, but actually I was fine. I stayed in my Self with parts taking a backseat, and this worked well. It's getting easier to do this.

I was particularly pleased that I didn't seem to have critical voices, and the part that used to make me feel like passing out wasn't active either. This is progress.

I checked in with the parts this evening. All is well. The 5 year old is wondering about taking on a new role, and I've told her that it's up to her. The 13 year old was feeling slightly lonely, so I took her to see the 11 year old and left them together.

The part that had previously felt threatened by my Self is also fine.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Snowdrop]

I've been having quite vivid dreams over the past couple of nights. They were possibly sparked by the intense work day I had a couple of days ago, but I think the dreams reflect changes in my inner landscape.

A couple of nights ago, an ex popped up in a dream. I didn't realise at the time, but he was a controlling, manipulative narcissist. I can't remember the circumstances of the dream, but I can recall turning my back on him and walking away. My dream self thought that his words were nonsense and weren't worth paying any attention to. He was nothing to me.

Last night, I dreamt I worked somewhere where a manager was outwardly pleasant, but would abuse people, lock them in a dungeon and other unpleasantries. I started off being scared, but then I spoke up about his mistreatment to someone else. I was fitted with a wire so that I could collect evidence, and I woke up just as the police were about to swarm the place and put him in prison for his misdeeds. It felt quite powerful, and it felt as though I was rectifying past traumas in a symbolic kind of way.

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ you, sd - those are very powerful images!  it really does sound like your mind has made a shift which is allowing you to envision self-empowerment and strength.  well done!   looks like your hard work is coming to fruition.

when i've had dreams of empowerment like that, i was able to wake up with at least a slightly different perspective of myself, and a feeling of strength that i hadn't felt before.  did you, yourself feel better, stronger, more powerful?  like, you could take those attributes into the world of reality and utilize them for yourself?  i hope so - hope it's translating from a dream world to the world of reality.

i'm very excited for you, sweetie.  honestly, i think it's wonderful, and so are you!  i know this stuff can be hard work at times, but dang, things like this seem to show that it pays off and is worth it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ power and strength

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Your dreams sound very positive.   
I have been reading your journal and think you are making such great progress with so many things.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

If I were to give a title to your dreams, it would be "Empowerment."

[Snowdrop]

San, you asked if I felt better, stronger and more powerful. It's an interesting one, because I think the dreams made me realise that I was stronger. So reality entering dream world, then popping back out again to confirm reality. If that makes sense!

Thank you, Hope. I appreciate the hug, support and validation.

Yes, Notalone, empowerment! That's exactly it. Thank you.

I've been checking in with the parts over the past couple of days. All is well.

[sanmagic7]

it makes total sense to me, and sounds great!  your mind is making shifts, your perspectives are changing, and with that, to my mind, your reality can change.  love and hugs, snowdrop!