Snowdrop's journal

[sanmagic7]

i don't find you disgusting, not now, not when the accident occurred.  accidents happen w/ kids and it's the adults who are responsible for cleaning up the mess as kindly and quickly as possible.  it wasn't your fault.

love and hugs, sweetie.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,

As a mom (and just as a human being), the little two year old should have been kindly, quickly, and gently cleaned and reassured that she did nothing wrong.

I understand her shame. (Can't say more now, but my heart goes out to her and you.)

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, both . These comments are really helpful. They confirm my thoughts, and have also made me realise how I can do over this incident. I can step in and either prevent the accident happening in the first place, or take care of the two year old how Notalone describes. Which option is best will become clear. I can ask parts which would be best.

I'm aware of two parts this morning. The part holding shame, and another part that feels angry that I wasn't treated with kindness. It also feels angry that HB uses it to humiliate me and assert dominance, and my parents let him. It's also angry that my parents don't understand the impact that it had on me. The part's feelings of anger are valid and completely understandable.

I can now remember a bit of how excited I was about the trip out. I remember the song I was singing. Also a belief that if I look forward to things, it will all go wrong. Another part?

I'll explore these things later on.

[Snowdrop]

A couple of other thoughts.

HB would have been about ten at the time this happened. He was getting into trouble at school, things like bullying. F has often said that he found his behaviour funny. I don't currently have memories of how HB treated me when he was this age, but I can imagine. It's something to bear in mind when I meet with parts.

Another thing to throw into the mix is that HB's mother made threats against me when I was a baby and was aggressive towards me. I can't remember it, but it's something I was repeatedly told about. By the time I was two, these threats would have been in the marinade.

[Snowdrop]

IFS journey. Some of this might be tough to read, but it has a happy ending.

I started with the SI part. This part was very relaxed. It said it trusted me, and it didn't just give me permission to help other parts, it actively encouraged me to do so.

Next I spoke to the part who was angry about how the 2 year old had been treated. I said feeling angry was completely justified. Wasn't I going to push it away, it asked? No, I wasn't. I understood why it felt angry. It said that it had to protect the 2 year old. When I said I understood, it agreed to let me see her.

The next part I had to negotiate with was a scared protector. It told me that people wanted to hurt the 2 year old, and the world was a dangerous place. It had to keep the 2 year old locked away to keep her safe. I told the protector that I wasn't a part, I was my Self, and told it how old I was. It was surprised. I told it that the people who wanted to hurt the 2 year old weren't around any more. I was here now. I could keep her safe and protect her. The part believed me, and agreed to let me see her.

Next I spoke to the part that was holding shame. It was feeling much better. The partial unburdening yesterday was very helpful, as was containing the rest of the burden in the padlocked chest. It agreed to let me see the 2 year old.

I asked if there were any other parts protecting the 2 year old who I needed to speak to. There weren't, so I went to the 2 year old.

She was extremely distressed. She looked like she was absolutely covered in tar, with more dripping down her face and hair, onto the rest of her body. [The original incident hadn't involved tar, but I can imagine that it felt as bad that to her.]

I comforted her, told her it wasn't her fault, it was OK, I was here. I gathered her up in my arms and cuddled her. I then took her to a bath, cleaned her up, told her how pretty she was, how much I loved her, and put her in a beautiful new dress. The dress had fairy wings on the back, so she asked me if she was a fairy. I told her that she looked just like a fairy princess, and she smiled at me and giggled. I gave her a big cuddle.

We played with some guinea pigs for a bit, and then I took her to a safe space. Her safe space is a play area with a ball pool and other things to play with. I told her I'd come back and see her.

Next, I met the 11, 13 and 15 year olds. These parts are all delighted that I retrieved the 2 year old. They feel better for it.

[sanmagic7]

 :hug:you are doing tremendous work, snowdrop.  i couldn't read all of this, but sending you love and a hug filled w/ admiration

[Not Alone]

Beautiful.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, San and Notalone.

After yesterday, my intention today was to go on a lighter IFS journey as I wanted to let the 2 year old rest before unburdening her. A few things still happened, but with some of the other parts.

The SI part is fine. I thanked it for doing it's best to protect me, and it appreciated that.

The part that was angry was thankful that I hadn't pushed it away, which is what I normally do with anger.

The part holding shame said that it felt ready to unburden more after the work I did yesterday. As I witnessed it unburdening, the angry part got angry about the shame that the part had had to carry. I asked if the angry part wanted to unburden some of its anger at the same time as the shamed part unburdened it's shame, as the anger and shame seemed to be linked. It agreed, so the two parts held hands, and unburdened into a fire. When they'd unburdened all they could for today, they hugged each other, and I wrapped my arms round both of them.

The 2 year old was asleep, so I sang her a lullaby while she was sleeping, and told her how much I loved her. I know she heard me.

When I saw the 11 year old, she was spontaneously unburdening by stamping around, shaking off energy and sending it into the ground. It felt as though this unburdening was a result of the work yesterday, and also the shamed and angry parts unburdening.

The 13 and 15 year olds were both fine.

[sanmagic7]

i find it amazing that you're doing this work nearly every day!     you're showing your courage and strength time after time.  love and hugs to everyone involved!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San.

When you retrieve an exile, it's recommended that you check in on them every day for about a month so that the part can form a secure attachment with the Self. This is good for the part, and also minimises the risk of the parts taking old burdens back on.

When I check in on parts, I usually ask them if there's anything they feel ready to unburden or that they need help with. Some days they're just pleased to see me and that's it, and other days there's a whole lot more going on! I find that when something happens, such as retrieving a part or a part unburdening, this can have a knock-on effect on other parts. It helps other parts to unburden, which helps other parts to burden, and this can go on for a few days.

I try to unburden parts on the day they say they're ready for it, but they're happy to wait for me if for some reason I can't .

[Snowdrop]

I've been reflecting for a while on my usage of IFS, and I think it's worth me writing a few things down. I guess the main thing to say is that I don't think I'm using "true" IFS. I'm good with that, but it felt like something I should say.

In the "Greater than the sum of our parts" audiobook, there are sections on mapping parts so that you can build up a picture of what parts are there. I don't feel I can do this. I seem to have a lot of exiles and protectors, and finding out about them all in one go makes me feel so I'm not doing it. Instead, I'm focussing on clusters of parts, where each cluster is made up of one exile and its protectors. This feels more manageable.

I guess the key thing is that I'm using IFS in the context of shamanic journeying. I started journeying a few years ago, and things in the IFS book resonated with me in that context. It felt like two methodologies looking at a common thing. I get the best results if I use the IFS approach within a journey. It gives me a framework to work within, with rules I can understand and follow.

[woodsgnome]

 

Good summary of what's involved in diving into any approach as we look for ways forward. Two other keys that seem apparent to me when I read of your IFS explorations can be hard to come by -- Patience and Perseverance. So here's to your willingness to embrace those qualities as you continue traveling in the land of recovery. 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, Woodsgnome. Your words always mean a lot to me. I hadn't really thought of it in terms of patience and perseverance, probably because I find it genuinely fascinating, but you're right.

I've just checked in with the parts. The protector parts are all fine. The 2 year old needs more sleep and cuddles, but seems generally ok. The 11 year old seems to have more Self energy . The 13 year old shared some more details about yucky school body-shaming stuff, which she'll probably need to unburden at some point. The 15 year old is fine.

[Snowdrop]

Well this is really curious.

A week ago, I posted about having to face a trigger. The prospect of this was giving me flashbacks, and I felt upset, anxious, shame and other nasties. I felt I had to face the trigger because I was concerned that if I didn't, I might lose work. I also saw it is as something that might help me heal.

I was offered more work this morning, and this is irrespective of whether or not I face the trigger, and my reaction is curious. I don't feel relief, like a weight has been lifted or anything like that. Instead, I'm wondering about facing the trigger anyway because it might enable me to do a better job. I'm actually feeling pretty neutral about the trigger, and thinking it through in practical terms.

My feelings about the trigger might change, but I'm greatly encouraged by how I feel about it today. It feels as though something significant has shifted.

[sanmagic7]

it sounds like something has shifted, with what you've said about how you're feeling about the trigger.  sounds positive.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs!