Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Notalone. I appreciate your anger on my behalf.

It's been a couple of days since that journey. For the whole of that day, I felt more alive than I've felt in a long time. Very grounded and full of Self energy. Full of energy in general. I felt more motivated to look after myself, so I made fresh soup for lunch, and put more time and effort into the evening meal as well.

Yesterday I was still buzzing, but I was also a bit sleepy, and puzzling over a work problem. I elected to have a short work day and have a snooze, and that did me the world of good. I think I needed the extra sleep to help me stabilise from the work I'd done the day before.

Today I feel good. More energy, more Self.

IFS journey. All parts are ok.

The part that was holding shame unburdened a bit more. It felt really calm, and I thanked it for letting me help the part that was brought back to life.

The baby part is still being looked after by the angel, and still glowing with golden light. She didn't need to unburden, so I took her for a walk to see some ducks in a park.

The 2 year old is very well. I asked her how she was, and she said "I feel alive!". She didn't need to unburden, so we ran around for a while.

The 9 year old is ok. She hangs out at the top of a mountain, so we went for a walk around the mountain top for a while.

The 13 year old showed me one of her school friendships. It was a friend who used to continually try and shame her and others, and the 13 year old used to put up with it because she knew the friend had problems. I told the 13 year old that she didn't deserve to be treated that way. Yes, the friend had problems, but her behaviour was inappropriate. The part had nothing at all to be ashamed of.

The 13 year old unburdened as thick black smoke which was carried away by the breeze. When I asked her if there was any gift she wanted, she said "strength and independence". I watched as those gifts filled her.

Finally, I spent with the part that was brought back to life. She didn't know how old I was, so I told her my age, and said that I was in a safe situation and healing. She didn't feel ready to unburden any more just yet, so I showed her how to remove burdens from her body and contain them. She put a lot of stuff into her burden container, and feels comfortable using it.

I asked the part how old she is, but she didn't know. I was 29 when the incident happened, but I think the part is quite young, a child. She told me that she took on some of my pain from the incident so that I'd survive. She was then exiled as a result. I thanked her for saving me, held her close, and told her how much I loved her and how precious she is to me. I then left her back in her safe space.

[sanmagic7]

as i continue to read about your journey here, snowdrop, i find it amazing how intricately layered these parts can be.  having a younger self take on the pain of what happened to an older you is remarkable.  we humans are fascinating to me.  all the ways our minds have worked on our behalf in order to keep us alive and sane - well, and i don't use this word very often, it's awesome.  as in, i'm in awe of how our minds have taken care of us.

keep up the good work.  i'm glad you were able to get a bit of extra sleep for yourself - i know that sleep is my best medicine most of the time.  sending love and a hug filled w/ encouragement to keep going!

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,
Thank you for sharing so openly about your journey. Your experience has helped me to look at things in a new way. When I read the IFS book, there were things that I didn't (and still don't) agree with and things that felt frightening and dangerous. Although I am still cautious, I am more open from knowing about your process/journey. When something shifts inside of me, I think about sharing it, but it feels too vulnerable. I think you are really courageous. Your sharing is helping me.

[sanmagic7]

amazing to me how much we fear making mistakes.  as if it's a major blot on our personhood to not be perfect.  and, then, the fear of repercussions.  i've done that so many times even just writing on this forum!  i totally agree w/ you that c-ptsd is horrible - it's a beast that we're battling day in and day out, taking up so much of our strength and energy over and over.

i'm standing beside you all the way, sweetie.  we're in this together.  glad you felt better this afternoon.  love and hugs.

[Snowdrop]

Don't worry San, I was looking at posts from months ago, and somehow one of them reposted here! I think I accidentally clicked on the "Insert quote" action. I didn't notice until I saw your post, so I've now removed it. But thank you for being lovely.

I'm actually fine, and looking back at my old posts showed me how much progress I've made. A few months ago, it felt as though I would make progress, and then have setbacks. In hindsight, I think it was protector parts getting twitchy. Knowing about protector parts and how to deal with them has made a huge difference. It's a much steadier path for me.

You're right, the layering of the parts is fascinating. And parts can also have parts and a Self! I don't generally have to get into this level, but I find it really interesting.

Notalone, I'm so glad that me sharing is helpful to you. I find that sometimes writing about what's happened with parts on a journey helps them feel witnessed, and being witnessed helps them to unburden. I think there were things in the IFS book that didn't feel quite right for me either.

[Snowdrop]

I released some legacy burdens this afternoon. These were burdens that I'd inherited from my parents, and they weren't my responsibility.

All other parts are ok.

[sanmagic7]

wow, what a great release!  those legacies can be daunting, enough to keep us far away from our true selves.  well done!   love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San.

I think I'm healing.

There were multiple phone-ins on the radio today about the impact of CSA due to something in the news. I listened for some of the time, and I wasn't triggered. I recognised callers cptsd symptoms, I shed tears of compassion, but I didn't have EFs, I wasn't overwhelmed and I didn't dissociate. I also felt heard and validated, as the callers were able to speak of their experiences, and were treated with so much care, sensitivity and respect.

I've checked in with my parts, and they're all ok.

[Blueberry]

Sounds like really good steps forward in healing!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Blueberry.

I wondered if I might get nightmares last night as a backlash from listening to the calls yesterday, but I didn't. I actually had a pretty good night's sleep. This is encouraging.

I'd been wondering what to do for Lent. I normally give something up, but that's not feeling right this year. I really like the following idea, which Notalone wrote in Blueberry's journal, so I think I'm going to do this instead:

I was thinking of the Bible verse that says that the KINDNESS of God leads to repentance (Romans 2:4). Maybe if you want to practice Lent, instead of giving something up, you could think of a small kind thing to do for yourself each day, and consider that a kindness from God.

[Snowdrop]

IFS journey.

I checked in on all the parts. The parts holding anger and shame are both ok, as are the baby, 2 and 9 year olds.

The 13 year old showed me a time when she was crying in bed one night. She couldn't sleep because she felt so miserable. F stormed in and shouted at her for crying. Also threatened her if she didn't stop crying. She now felt shame, fear and abandonment on top of feeling miserable, and she tried not to move or make a sound for the rest of the night.

I did over the event so that I came to her. I held her and comforted her. Doing over the event allowed her to unburden.

The part that was brought back to life was ready to do some unburdening, so she started showing me things about the ex who had turned his back on her. Another part tried to stop her, so I talked to this part, and discovered it was scared of consequences. I told the part it was ok, it was safe, I wasn't in contact with him in any way. It stepped back and agreed to let me continue with the unburdening.

The part that was brought back to life showed me certain incidents involving the ex. She felt angry with him, and I said she was right to be. He was narcissistic, misogynistic, controlling, and was wrong about many, many things. She unburdened, and the burdens left her like birds of fire.

[Snowdrop]

I went to the dentist's today, and I didn't get flashbacks . Last year I had quite intense flashbacks, so this is progress. I dissociated a bit at one point, but I don't think it was for very long.

Yesterday I mentioned a protector part that tried to stop the part that was brought back to life from showing me things. I think my next step needs to be to spend time with this protector part. It's scared and needs more reassurances before I can help the other part some more.

[sanmagic7]

ugh - i have the dentist coming up.  not my fav!  i don't get flashbacks, just apprehension and fear of pain.  when i was young, they didn't automatically numb your gums, so the whole thing was quite awful and i can't get past that.  but, congrats to you for making it thru in stunning fashion!

best to you with sorting these parts out, working thru all the issues involved.  you're doing such great work!  love and hugs!

[Not Alone]

  For the dentist. I don't think I've been to one in about 10 years.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks both . I think taking Rescue Remedy beforehand helped. I also kept thinking "I am my Self" on a loop, which I think helped me to stay unblended.

I've been spending time with the protector part today. It's feeling less scared now, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to do more unburdening over the next few days.