Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Fighting off a cold and feeling a bit grotty.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, Sorry to hear you've got a cold - and I'm sending you a lovely warming drink of your choice - plus a comforting and gentle hug 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Hope, that's very kind of you. I'm glad you're recovering.

I think having the cold has brought back a few things that I can unburden. Some things relating to the part that was brought back to life and her protector. Also things relating to F. I don't know if I'll unburden today or later in the week. I'll see how I'm feeling.

[Snowdrop]

IFS journey. I was able to do some unburdening.

The part holding anger is ok. I'm not sure how much anger this part is still holding.

The part holding shame unburdened using fire. This part seems much lighter and happier now. I think most of her burden has been released.

The baby part unburdened a bit more. Black smoke left her body, and a second angel flew down to take it away. The second angel also helped to remove more black smoke from her body. She went back to glowing with a golden light.

The 2 year old unburdened feelings of being a nuisance to F when she felt poorly.

The 9 year old unburdened F being angry with her if she was ill. She remembered being accused of making it up.

The 13 year old unburdened too. She also showed me F being angry with her. She remembered feeling uncared for.

The protector part for the part that was brought back to life was much, much better. It agreed to let me help the part, and realised how much unburdening would help her. It had been scared of the ex, but it said it realised that he could no longer hurt her. It's good to have this part on board.

The part that was brought back to life also unburdened. Lots of things to do with the ex who'd turned his back on her. There was PA, SA and emotional abuse that he blamed on her. Spiritual abuse too, manipulation and gaslighting. He also cut her off from her friends, and made her distrust everyone.

She put her burdens in a pile near the waterfall, and set fire to them. The flames were a golden-pink, and sparks flew into the mist of the waterfall like little firebirds.

I asked her if there was a gift she wanted, and she said "belonging". The gift filled her with white light. I held her close, and when I let go, the pine marten that used to be with the 15 year old part came running over to her, and wrapped itself round her neck.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, suppport to all the parts who unburdened today. To the parts who were treated as a burden when they were ill: I am a Mom. Yes, it is hard when kids are sick. It is more work. MOSTLY, though, it is hard because the children aren't feeling well and I want them to be okay. It is also a time to shower even more nurturing and love on them. As for being accused of making it up; even if a child was making it up (and I am NOT saying at all that you were), the question would be why? What is the child needing? The answer is still more care. When you say you are sick, I believe you.

Snowdrop, I hope you feel better soon. As much as I can virtually, sending nurturing and care.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you so much for your words, Notalone. It's helped the affected parts feel heard, understood, cared for and witnessed.

I think there were a few things going on. Some of the time it was germs. Other times it was because I was injured because of HB's PA. F didn't want to believe the PA, so he didn't want to believe I was hurt. And I think other times it was the physical effects of trauma.

[Snowdrop]

I was feeling a bit better yesterday, but I'm feeling worse again today. I'm busy at work and need to be well next week and the week after, so I've elected to take today off and rest. I have a hot drink, a fluffy blanket, and I've put eucalyptus and tea tree essential oils in a diffuser.

I wonder how much of feeling grotty is due to parts being activated over coronavirus. I can talk to parts about this, as there may be burdens that can be released.

I had a nightmare last night.

=== Possible TW physical violence ===

HB was trying to break down my door in order to attack me. The details were different in the nightmare, but it was based on a real life event that happened when I was 5 or 6.

=== End TW ===

The nightmare was a bit disturbing, but I think I can use it as a tool for recovery. I can go back into the nightmare and do it over. It's also possible that a part used a nightmare to show me something they experienced so that they can unburden. I can talk to parts and find out.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Glad  you're taking time off to rest and wishing you the best for recuperating today - the Eucalyptus and tea tree oil in your diffuser sounds very healing, and sending you a hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're doing what you need to do, snowdrop.  sorry you're suffering, tho.  holding your hand, sending you lots of support.  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, lovely Hope and San.

I went back into the nightmare. While HB was destroying my door, I phoned the police. They turned up within seconds, put him in the police car and took him away. They said that he'd be locked up, and they'd also arrange a court order so that he wouldn't be able to contact me or come near me ever again. They also said that they'd send him for therapy, and I told them that was nothing to do with me, it wasn't something I needed any involvement with. The police also arranged for me to have a new door, which was better than the one I'd had before.

I feel much better for going back into the nightmare. I feel safe.

[Snowdrop]

IFS journey.

I started by asking if there were any parts carrying burdens related to the nightmare I had. I couldn't find any. I think this may have been because doing over the nightmare helped parts release burdens from the trauma it was based on.

Next I asked if there were parts who were worried about the coronavirus stuff. Several were, so I talked with them as a group, comforted them, reassured them, and told them I'd look after them. They were mostly concerned about getting into trouble, and I told them that they wouldn't. I was there, they'd be fine. This were able to unburden.

Nothing really happened with the parts holding anger and shame. I wonder how much work I have left to do with these parts, particularly the angry one.

The baby part isn't glowing quite so much now. It's like the glow is more inside her now, and less on the outside. The angel who protects her told me that she's doing well.

The 2 year old part unburdened a little bit more. She still spends most of her time with the bear.

I had a lot of witnessing to do with the 9 year old. Mostly around being bullied at school, feeling she didn't fit in, loneliness, and being shamed for telling lies when she was being completely truthful. I held her close and told that she didn't deserve any of these things. None of them were her fault. She unburdened.

Not a lot happened with the 13 year old.

The protector part for the part who was brought back to life was happy for me to work with that part.

The part who was brought back to life had quite a lot of things for me to witness. She started by showing me lots of things to do with the ex. One thing in particular related to the coronavirus stuff. He caught a cold, and blamed it on her in a very deep way. She'd brought it on him because she was spiritually unclean or something, and she had to make amends as it was all her fault. She thought all this was nonsense because it was just a cold that was going round. She felt manipulated into doing things for him, however, as if she didn't, he'd get even more angry and nasty with her. There were other things as well, this was just one example.

I agreed with the part how ridiculous and manipulative he was, and how she deserved better. She unburdened by putting the burdens into a cannon and firing them into the distance. We both thought this was really funny, so we did it again and again .

The part then began to show me some of the incident that had led to the part dying. After witnessing what she wanted to show me, I comforted her, told her it wasn't her fault and that she'd done what she could to avoid it. What had happened wasn't on her.

The part released burdens from the incident  by standing underneath the waterfall that's near her safe space. The waterfall washed the burdens away, and made her feel clean again.

The part has a lot more to unburden, but she couldn't do any more today. I reminded her that she can remove burdens from her body and put them in a container, and that's what she's going to do.

[Snowdrop]

I felt better this morning, went downhill this afternoon, but I'm feeling better again this evening.

I followed a guided healing this afternoon related to ancestral shame, beliefs and also worthiness. Part of the way through, I noticed that the part holding shame was following along and releasing burdens. I found that fascinating!

I felt a bit of anxiety this afternoon, but I think that was because I was a bit congested. I wasn't breathing as deeply because of the cold, and my body interpreted this as anxiety.

All parts seem fine.

[sanmagic7]

get well soon, snowdrop.

i'm just beginning to hear about the idea of going back into nightmares and rewriting the ending.  if i can remember, i want to do that the next time.  it sounds very powerful and taking back control.  well done!   love and hugs!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, San. I've consciously gone back into dreams and nightmares a few times now, and each time it's been helpful.

I felt a bit low last night and today, and cried a bit. The main trigger for feeling low was a call I sat in on. During the call I started feeling inadequate and not good enough, even though the call didn't directly concern me. I think I also felt a bit low from having a bit of a cold. Also, the previous day I accidentally bumped my head, and the bruise reminded me of HB's physical abuse. Quite a bundle of triggers to contend with, and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

This morning, I realised that there was an inner critic behaving like F, telling me I wasn't good enough etc. I realised that I needed to talk to this part. I also thought that I ought to talk to parts affected by the bruise on my head as they might be willing to unburden.

I went on an IFS journey this afternoon.

I started off by talking to the part that was behaving like F. It behaved like that because it wanted me to be successful. I thanked it for protecting me and having my interests at heart. I told it that I was already successful and self-motivated, and it's behaviour was hampering me. The part understood.

I asked the part how much of its burden came from F. About 60%. Would it be willing to release the burden that didn't belong to it? Yes. It was wearing a bodysuit that made it looked like F, so it unzipped it and stepped out from it, leaving it on the floor. It then cut the bodysuit into little pieces, put them into a firepit and set fire to them.

The F-like part agreed to let me meet the part it had been critical of. This part showed me lots and lots of instances where F had told her she wasn't good enough. If she got 90% in an exam, for instance, F would focus on the 10% she didn't get, so some of the time it didn't even feel as though it was worth trying. I did over some of these instances so that F congratulated her, and told her how well she'd done. She then unburdened by tearing up all her exam certificates and school reports and setting fire to them. I told the part she was brilliant.

I went back to the F-like part, and showed it the part it had been critical of. It agreed that it's approach had been counter-productive. It said it wanted to give up its critical role, and help me by encouraging me instead. It tried this new approach with the part it had been critical of, the part appreciated it, and they hugged.

Next, I visited the 2 year old, as the bruise on my head had affected her. She unburdened really quickly. I then asked if there were any other parts affected by my bruise, and a whole load of parts appeared! They were also willing to unburden. I told them all how much I loved them, and that they were safe.

Next I did a similar thing for any parts who felt criticised by F. They unburdened en masse, and the formerly F-like part encouraged them.

I think unburdening as a group is something I need to bear in mind for future IFS journeys as it's really effective. It's something I read about in the IFS New Dimensions book, and I think it would be helpful if I went back and read that chapter again.

I'm feeling like my Self again now. Much calmer and steadier.

[Snowdrop]

There are other things I'm contending with too. Next week, I need to face one of my triggers. And I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it.

About a month ago, I trusted someone enough to say that I felt anxious, and they told me that I didn't have to do it, they'd speak to the person who said that I did. I feel let down because since then I've heard nothing. She's not responded to me asking if she's spoken to that person. I feel minimised, and as though I was wrong to trust, and I have nothing in writing to say that I don't have to do this, only that I should.

I'm currently finding this hard.

And breathe. OK, let me read back through what I've just written.

Paragraph one: I was blended with a part who feels scared, and doesn't feel that she can do it. [It's OK, I'm my Self, I'm here.]
Paragraph two: I was blended with a part who feels as though it was wrong to trust, let down and minimised. [It's OK. I understand why you feel that way, but it's OK, I'm here. I'm my Self.]

This has helped. I feel calm again, more in control. I think I have a lot going on over the next couple of weeks that would be hard for someone without cptsd. I recognise that I'm at a disadvantage. I need to do whatever I can to soothe the parts who are upset. Maybe some of this can be a vehicle for unburdening.

I will be gentle with myself, and do whatever I can to take care of myself.